Late 50’s over 60’s what exactly does your other half do round the house

My hubby is bin man, cat litter man,recycling and shredding address man. Plus annoying ‘ do it like this man!

Daisymae, kittylester is right. You should apply for Attendance Allowance. David’s was £85 a week and that was four years ago.

I made my husband sound an angel but, I have just thought of something he did which drove me bonkers. He would offer to put the shopping away and empty the bags onto the kitchen table and leave the contents there. I tried pointing out that there is a difference between taking the shopping out of the bags and actually putting it away. The same happened when he said he would empty the dishwasher: he did empty it but, the table was full.

Daisymae

When he was well my DH did his fair share and maybe more. He is ill now so I do everything and it is wearing. I would discuss what needs doing with your DH and insist that he pays for half of all maintenance. With regard to other regular chores just ask him.

Daisymae, and others - have you considered applying for Attendance Allowance? The lower level is worth over £50 pw, it is not means tested and would enable you to buy help in.

Second marriage here of long duration. DH was very capable Looking after two children on his own. As I worked only part time, I took on the domestic routine. I did get a cleaner when I worked full time, but his job was more time consuming than mine so his contributions were limited. Since retirement he has not changed. He is no longer able to do decorating, and although he does some maintenance he is no longer physically able to do much himself. The large garage is his workshop but no work goes on there! It is a mess.
He is good with IT stuff and sorts out any problems.
He is in charge of the garden, but again, can’t do very much. I might help out for half an hour occasionally.

So I do all the cooking and cleaning, washing, bed changing. Apart from getting his own lunch and making me a cup of tea, he does nothing. I get tired of clearing up after him, wiping wash basin and worktops especially, not difficult chores and well within his capacity, so why can’t he help by not making so much mess or clear up after himself? So many crumbs and dirty tissues by his chair.....Grr....and yet in other ways he is very precise, obsessional even, eg must use a white linen napkin, place setting at table or on a tray must be exactly right.
So why leave tissues around?
Oh, the bins are his job but I often end up doing them.
He is for ever ordering things online, gadgets, collectibles, Tools. Several deliveries a week. So much stuff.
I shall have a huge clear out when he has died and be able to keep the house clean and tidy.

I think it is obvious by the way many of us have written, how exasperated we are. So in lockdown, I have lowered my standards, and I let the dust gather.

You know * pippa* everyones life is different ,when we were first married my OH would regularly drive a 200 mile round trip TWICE in a day to cover a wedding and get proofs back the same day .He worked on average 12 -14 hour day at the best of times and often well into the wee sma hours .I left an hour later in the morning and walked with the pram the mile and a half and bought shopping on the way,left work around half four and walked home , .When I got in I did the baby;s bath and fed her and got her ready for bed Put the washing on and did the housework.OH often had his dinner at 10pm .I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to come home and cook or do housework .If that offends you then thats your problem.
We still live a traditional style of life I do everything at home ,he decorates ,does fabulous DIY ,Ive never paid anyone to build a kitchen or fit a bathroom and we change kitchens every few years .He spent lockdown doing gardens for folk who were idsolating and even built the odd wall or patio for them.he likes to be busy .We're happy with our "old fashioned" lifestyle ,its nobody elses business .

My dh cleans downstairs and I clean upstairs. Whoever uses shower last cleans it. Dh cooks/prepares all of our meals, and also looks after gardens and house maintenance. (Just realised how lucky I am)....

Gawd I wish my hubby would do half of what your hubbies do. Admittedly mine still works 4 days a week but would love a job just to be completed. I rescue livestock, so my days are busy involving them as they roam free, they like me to play with. I do that plus any other jobs that require my attention into day to day running as well as all the housework, finances,cars. You name it I do it, but a simple job becomes major for hubby, eg rat traps in ceiling. Yes well, he bought the ladder down and left it at back door, yes you guessed it, I had to do it. A fence needs replacing, so he just puts an extra post in, ahm no the fence needs to be replaced. Not him, I’m afraid, it’s me to get the job done properly otherwise his attempt is the bandaid effect, an extra post. Grrrrrr. I can go on and on, why oh why don’t men think outside the square. Pickup the screws he had left over from another job not yet completed. No left them there, I got so mad about it, I picked them up and put them in front of his car wheels, so he would get a puncture. He did, and I pretended I couldn’t hear him calling out to me for help to change the tyre. Geez he had to change the tyre himself. When he took it to be repair a screw was found in the tyre and he couldn’t believe that it was one of his screws when he was no where near the car using them. I just said diddums and walked away laughing to myself. Needless to say he is still scratching his head at why would a screw be near his car, it’s a distance away. As I walked off, I did say that maybe he should pick them up after use and put in right place then it wouldn’t happen. So you ladies have it easy, please send your hubby’s out to Western Australia, Pi would love some assistance ?

When I married it was to have a H to build a life together. I soon discovered my H married to have someone in the life he already had. And that his habitual routine not expected to change in any way, shape or form. I found I had married a little boy, afraid to grow up and stand on his own two feet. And without any sense of domestication or what being a husband and father meant. It took seven years and fear of a coming job change which made him engage with me to buy a home of our own. Not lack of financial ability as both had well paid occupations – horror of change. When he died at 82, and after 38 years of marriage, I finally have a life in the type of home I had always wanted. Heaven! Should have left years ago.

We both pay for household items and furnishings.
My husband works well with a list which is mostly maintenance items. I generally pretty up the house...... but have stopped asee are selling so keeping the house viewing ready is a two man job.
Jobs he does in the house i sometimes redo and think at least he’s attempted them !

My late husband was very good about sharing household chores until he became too poorly to help.

I worked shifts so, if I was on a late shift, he always cooked the evening meal. If we had friends coming for a meal, we shared the cooking and preparation. Once retired, we took it in turns to cook. He always did the garden (although I sneaked in a flower bed when he wasn’t looking). He was quite handy for plumbing and electrical repairs too but, did not like decorating. Luckily, I did, but, left the ceilings for him, as an old neck injury made them difficult for me. Ironing was something he would never do (probably came from having a batman when in the army ?). He was quite happy to get out the duster and vacuum cleaner though.

When he became too ill to help and his illness meant more work caring for him, he insisted on sending stuff out for ironing and got cleaners in and a gardener. He said his Attendance Allowance paid for that when I said it was cheaper for me to do it.

Since he has died, I only keep the gardener but, even living alone now, I appreciate how much he helped.

My DH's mother was totally chaotic as a housewife, with the result that he has NEVER done any cleaning. We've been married 55 years. But he cooks nearly every day, shops (before Covid), will wash up in a slapdash way, some gardening, excellent at mending things.
So I do all the housework, laundry, finances, also making sure we have a social life.
One time I remember getting really cross with him was when I complained that I hated vacuuming. What did he do? Went out and bought me a new vacuum cleaner! (Probably my most unwelcome present ever.)

Clio51. You haven’t been back but I have a few questions.
What, exactly, does he do all day? More importantly why are you allowing it? Who owns the property? I find the idea of “your” money odd. Surely everything in a marriage is joint money?
If you are not married to him all the better. Time to lay down the rules or move out/ move him out.
You have allowed this situation to become normalised. It is not going to improve without considerable upheaval.

Can I assume he is either a great lover or a wonderful companion taking you out and treating you extremely well? If not I cannot see what is in this relationship for you.

We share the shopping and cooking.

I clean and wash, DH does repairs, services our bikes, mends punctures, cuts the hedges, but the rest of the garden is my lookout.

We have a joint budget account and seperate accounts, but there is no his and her money. We discuss things we need or want before buying them and they are paid from the account there is most money in.

I wonder why you are still with him...

As a widow of several years I read your comments with sadness and dismay.

That so many of you in 2020 can reel off the jobs that you as the little woman of the house do appalls me and most of you seem proud to be martyrs. Half jokingly saying all the things you do whilst your husbands do nothing is not something to be proud of.
As I guess most on here are grandparent age and a lot have been married or at least been together for decades it is inexcusable that you have incapable men around the house. You have only yourselves to blame and not be proud that you have dependent men and that you are skivvies. The days of running around after your man should be long gone but seems very much alive here.

My partner is a sweetheart who positively seeks out tasks to do. A far cry from my late husband who did almost nothing outside of work (and expected me to help him with that, too.)

Think we strike a good balance, but mainly very traditional couple ( 51 years married). He grows all the veg and does occasional DIY. But any big jobs we get a man who can. I do all the house work as I am particular how things are done, he walks the dog, takes out the bins. Cooks once or twice a week, but not from scratch as I prepare and freeze a lot of meals. Happy with my lot, but if something needs doing it's me who does the organising.

Clio51. Be thankful you still have him. He seems to do more than most men.

My DH can't cook and would never dream of picking up the vacuum. The other day he asked me which button to press on the washing machine! He is domestically-challenged. BUT you should see his DIY. We havc a fabulous home thanks to him and his skills. Ours are what used to be the old strictly female/male roles but I'm not complaining.

Build up.
I know what he was like when he was single. When we were first married I worked "away" in the week returning on a friday evening. As I had housework to do where I was living for work, he was in charge in our home as I wasnt doing both places. I insisted that I came home to fresh bedding and at least a clean kitchen and bathroom. One week his train was very delayed and I got back first to an absolute tip, which was when I realised that he obviously did everything during the couple of hours between him getting home and me arriving!!

Over the years he has said that if I want to go away for a weekend or longer he doesn't mind. Except I would not relax wondering what I would be coming home to!

Such an interesting thread to read! My DH has definitely upped his game since retirement. Has found a late enthusiasm for cooking and has discovered where the vacuum lives and has actually spent a fair bit of time - with passion! - researching a new vacuum (our current one has lost its mojo). To be honest, throughout our life together we've played to our strengths or interest - mine the garden beds, his the lawn, mine the Sunday roasts, his the ironing (he does it while watching sport on a Sunday). Worked for us. To be fair I probably have picked up more of the cleaning jobs over the years, but he's definitely improving with age.

Many older men were spoilt by their mothers and expected the same from their partners but I blame any woman who allowed this. However, because their mothers did everything for them they now simply fail to see what needs doing. Women need to make it clear what they expect. Successful partners share the chores and play to their strengths - he mows the lawn she does the washing or visa versa what ever suits. It's never too late to put your foot down ladies.

^ Mine would rather be OUT than do anything around the house.^

I would rather he was OUT than do anything around the house!!

We both do whatever needs doing, apart from the car and technology which are his domain The difference is that he always has to tell me what what he's done whereas I just do it and then get on to the next thing. I wouldn't be without him though.