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Lying partner, what to do

(27 Posts)
Pritt Sun 20-Sep-20 16:40:02

The other morning my partner told me he would be at a particular place, he had been gone about an hour when I called him to ask if he was still there, as I thought I would go & join him, we spoke for a good few minutes, then I said I would see him later. I got myself ready, didn’t take long & he was only ten minutes away, when I arrived clearly he had only arrived a few minutes before me, & his hands were shaking. It occurred to me straight away that when we had spoken on the phone he was somewhere else, as there was an empty slightly echo sound, in the background, like in the hallway of a building perhaps, no noise at all, but the place where I met him was really noisy, some sort of industrial noise, & traffic in the distance, a few voices..
This isn’t the first time this has happened, him telling me he is somewhere that he is not. Obviously I am worried otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it on here, but my question is, do I say anything or just leave it?

biba70 Sun 20-Sep-20 16:46:56

Pritt, I am so sorry you are going through this- but truly, we do not know enough about you, him, your relationship and background- to possibly advise.

You should really talk to him- calmly and tell him you are concerned. Or not - you only can possibly know. Hope you find a way.

Grannybags Sun 20-Sep-20 16:48:11

Next time don't phone him first. Just go and if he's not there then you can ask him where he's been when he gets home.

PinkCakes Sun 20-Sep-20 16:56:01

Why haven't you already asked him if he had actually been there? Afraid of what you might discover? If he'd only been gone an hour when you rang him, do you think he could have been up to no good in that time? Only you know him. Talk to him.

AGAA4 Sun 20-Sep-20 17:16:53

He is lying to you and you need to know why. You say this isn't the first time this has happened so something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about. For your own peace of mind find out what he is hiding.

Oopsadaisy4 Sun 20-Sep-20 17:20:25

How do you know that he had only just arrived?

He might have been in the Gents when you called him and then just come out.

Do you have reason to distrust him? If not maybe you are being a tad over suspicious.

If you have other reasons to suspect him then talk to him about it.

MissAdventure Sun 20-Sep-20 17:28:56

I would have to do a bit of detective work, I think. That's just me though.

Do you have any idea where he might have been?

Urmstongran Sun 20-Sep-20 18:13:03

If he was ‘shaking’ you know really don’t you? Whether or not you call him out on it is a different matter. It’s not the first time so on some level you want to avoid the issue.

lemsip Sun 20-Sep-20 18:15:48

Ask him!!

welbeck Sun 20-Sep-20 18:19:51

so is it a case of LTB, as MN would say.
probably is. only you know. often we have to prime ourselves, kind of go through a process mentally, to get to the point of actually doing what we really know deep down, that we will have to do.
do what is best for you.
i don't see much point in discussing it with him, but that;s just me. if someone is dishonest, shifty, unreliable, they'll just spin you another yarn.

Grandmabatty Sun 20-Sep-20 20:47:49

If you confront him, he may deny being elsewhere and you're no further forward as you really don't have proof. If your instincts are tingling, then the chances are you know he's up to something. Someone else suggested that the next time don't tell him but actually go and see if he is where he says he is. If not, you have choices ; ignore, ask and accept what he comes up with or tell him you know he's up to no good. My sympathies are with you as I've been in this scenario.

paddyanne Sun 20-Sep-20 21:28:21

There could be a very simple explanation,maybe he had a hospital appointment and doesn't want to worry you...I would never think my OH was lying ,but I dont keep tabs on him .If hes out, he's out, I have no need to know where or for exactly how long .My OH goes AWOL often send him for bread and expect him back in 2 hours type of AWOL.He 's a very sociable man who could talk for Scotland .Trust ....thats a different thing you either trust him or you dont you cant trust someone a bit ,its ike being pregnant you either are or not.If it worrying you ASK him .

Jaxjacky Sun 20-Sep-20 21:34:25

The heading on your post is ‘lying partner’, seems to me you know already.

sodapop Sun 20-Sep-20 21:37:33

I agree with paddyanne about trust. You are obviously worried Pritt so talk to him.

vegansrock Mon 21-Sep-20 04:59:28

He’ll deny anything obviously as you’ve no proof - can’t you track his phone location next time you have suspicions before you accuse him of anything?

BlueBelle Mon 21-Sep-20 05:27:01

missadventure me too
paddyanne if you haven’t been cheated on you wouldn’t suspect but if it’s happened before especially more than once you get instincts and know in your heart
He will deny it if you ask him although in your favour it sounds as if he can’t cover his feelings very well
Good luck, once the trust has gone it will be hard to regain it

jenpax Mon 21-Sep-20 06:59:11

I would not let it be but would do a bit of detective work! maybe as someone else suggested when he says he is going somewhere just turn up and see if he’s there or not as and then take it from there. Are there any other signs of deceit, sudden abruptly ended phone calls, secretive behaviour over phone?

PECS Mon 21-Sep-20 08:01:44

You obviously do not trust your husband. Not a good basis for a relationship. You do not need to tackle the "you were not where you said you were" situation head on. That will just end in a denial. Be honest and say you are not happy in the relationship, communication between the two of you is poor & you are feeling unsettled & are considering ending the marriage.
Offer to go for relationship counselling to see if you can rebuild things. See what his reaction is to you taking control of the situation. Making accusations you cannot prove always puts you on the back foot.

trustgone4sure Mon 21-Sep-20 10:08:32

Spot on Grannybags.
A friend of mine caught her husband out the same way,and he too was shaking and could barely stand up,he denies to this day he wasn`t up to anything.
But he was as she followed him to another location where he met up with a women known to his wife.
Be sure your sins will find you out.

vampirequeen Mon 21-Sep-20 10:12:59

Are you sure you want to know?

Sparklefizz Mon 21-Sep-20 10:45:57

I knew for a long time (years) before I finally stopped finding excuses for him and admitted it to myself, and then faced it.

Pritt Wed 23-Sep-20 12:27:43

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you that took the time to respond with your thoughts, opinions & advice.
It is most appreciated.

Urmstongran Wed 23-Sep-20 19:19:07

Did it help you make a decision though Pritt?

Gilly1952 Tue 13-Oct-20 13:23:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gilly1952 Tue 13-Oct-20 13:26:31

Damn! I wanted to send this as a private message!!