Gransnet forums


Not allowing access to my emails -AIBU?

(28 Posts)
SJ23 Sun 11-Oct-20 16:05:14

Three years ago my partner used my computer as his was not working, to do what he called some highly urgent emails. In the process he accessed some highly confidential correspondence, some to his detriment. I am not sure how he came upon this as the emails were in separate folders not the inbox. (He was behaving very badly at the time and his sister and I were emailing each other about it). I never heard the last of this. Now he is demanding to use my computer again to complete an 'urgent' email - despite not having got himself a proper computer during all these years, just a slow tablet. (He has been working on this same email all week and I mentioned a very good source of reasonable laptops). He told me on Friday he needed my computer, though I need to use the computer myself for work today. In order to help I said he could use my little Chromebook and went out and bought a mouse for it as he said he couldn't use the touchpad. He then told me that the mouse wasn't a good one and that I had paid too much for it (£7 - out of my pocket). When I tried to set him up to use the device I wanted to put him in as a guest user, signing out of my own account so he would only have access to his own emails not mine in order to preserve my privacy. However he had forgotten his password and refused to re-set it as he said it would endanger his own email access. He is now cursing and swearing at me and accusing me of having things to hide as I really don't want him having free access to my private mail again. I have said I would help him change his password and then he could use my Chromebook as long as he wants but he says he will wait till after I am in bed and use my computer and account. Am I being unreasonable in denying him access? It would lead to a terrible blinding row.

aggie Sun 11-Oct-20 16:08:20

Lock the computer , he has no right to access your private files

Pantglas2 Sun 11-Oct-20 16:10:51

This is far too much control from one partner to another! I’d have the row now as sure as hell, its coming over something else soon!

Smileless2012 Sun 11-Oct-20 16:12:07

No you are not being unreasonable. He broke your trust by accessing your personal emails, something he should never have done.

As for your partner "demanding" to use your laptop and cursing and swearing at you, if he was my partner he wouldn't be using my Chromebook either.

If it were me I'd take my Chromebook back and suggest he go out tomorrow and purchase his own laptop.

Toadinthehole Sun 11-Oct-20 16:12:45

It sounds like what happened three years ago hasn’t really been resolved. There is no reason why you shouldn’t let him use your computer, apart from the fact it went wrong before. You were emailing his sister behind his back, which I get if you were trying to sort something out, but why not the delete everything, once sorted.....or has it never been sorted? I’m actually wondering why you’re still together. Perhaps a bit more information would help. Sorry if I sound blunt.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Oct-20 16:14:59

I d say ‘goodbye‘ no trust no relationship

AGAA4 Sun 11-Oct-20 16:20:54

SJ23 it is your partner who is unreasonable. He is reading your private e-mails, cursing and swearing when he doesn't get his own way.
I would not only deny him access to the computer I would deny him access to the house.

MaggieTulliver Sun 11-Oct-20 16:24:58

Cursing and swearing at you and accusing you of things to hide? He sounds like a total twat - why are you with this man?

Barmeyoldbat Sun 11-Oct-20 16:26:28

To be honest he would be my ex partner by now,

MamaCaz Sun 11-Oct-20 16:42:54

If partner was snooping around your computer three years ago, at a time when you say "he was behaving very badly" - badly enough for you and his sister to have been discussing it - might the so-called urgent emails then just have been an excuse to do just that, to snoop, for some reason?

I hope you have good secure passwords that he doesn't know on everything, especially on financial things such as bank accounts.

I apologise if I am reading more into his behaviour than actually exists, but it sounds rather suspicious to me.

HootyMcOwlface Sun 11-Oct-20 16:51:01

Can’t you set him up with a separate log in on your computer? He won’t see your files then. He sounds like an arse.

Chewbacca Sun 11-Oct-20 16:54:41

Can’t you set him up with a separate log in on your computer

Doesn't really address the problem of OP living with an abusive, manipulative control freak though does it?

Personally, SJ23 this would be a deal breaker for me. He'd have to go. Permanently.

Esspee Sun 11-Oct-20 17:06:49

Chewbacca has hit the nail on the head.

Grandmabatty Sun 11-Oct-20 17:09:40

What do you want to do? What are you getting out of this relationship with him now? It sounds like there is distrust on both sides and it's very difficult to come back from that. Would this be the last straw in your relationship? If so, then you need to communicate that to him. He sounds very angry and is perhaps feeling frustrated but we don't know him as well as you do. When he behaved badly before, how did you resolve it? Or didn't it really get resolved? How much do you want the relationship to continue?

Feelingmyage55 Sun 11-Oct-20 17:11:57

You have offered three possible solutions
1 Recommendation of suitable model to purchase
2 Loan of your chrome book as guest user
3 Help with setting up new password.
I can see no reason to reject any one, never mind all three options.

I’d be tempted to add others. Use the public library/computer cafe/his phone. In other words “not your personal appliance”. You know he might snoop. I guess there might be other private emails/financial statements you’d rather not share, rightly so. Perhaps that is adding to his unreasonable reaction. Can you reset your passcode and password to prevent his using your computer? Is this problem in fact a symptom of relationship issues, not a standalone argument?

Doodledog Sun 11-Oct-20 17:21:51

I agree with Grandmabatty. You need to think about the wider issues, if you haven't already. Sorry, but I don't think it's helpful for people on the Internet to say 'leave him' without knowing the full story, which is often complicated and messy.
It's real life for you, where actions have consequences - not a theoretical situation that disappears when you close the computer.

I suppose if you wanted to you could offer to access his emails for him, and when he refuses, point out that the reasons he doesn't want this are the same as the reasons you don't want him accessing your computer - privacy.

There is nothing wrong with people in a couple having their own lives and privacy, and it strikes me as unreasonable of him not to recognise this.

sodapop Sun 11-Oct-20 19:52:21

Say it how it is MaggieTulliver made me chuckle but seriously you are so right.

This sounds like an ongoing trust issue SJ23 and if its symptomatic of your relationship I would be thinking of making big changes. We all need privacy, our partners are not entitled to know our every thought or deed. My husband will carry my handbag downstairs for me to get something out of it rather than look inside it.
You are definitely not being unreasonable

M0nica Sun 11-Oct-20 19:58:39

The only reason he wants to use your computer again is because he wants to access your email and your files to check on what you are doing.

If that was not the only reason he would have done one of the things that Feelingmyage55 listed.

His behaviour is abusive and good for you for standing up to him. But you need to consider why he wants to read your emails and files and whether, he can, himself, be trusted.

Nonogran Sun 11-Oct-20 20:35:33

I have no access to my chap's computer but he willingly "logs me in" if necessary. His email section is separately & differently passworded but I'd never even bother to look anywsy. Likewise, my laptop has a separate password to log in & different one for email access. If my chap uses my laptop he goes onto the internet & picks up his own email provider/emails via that route. Doesn't need to go anywhere near my personal stuff. Anyway, we trust each other & however cross I get with him, I'd never discuss him with any third party via email!!
Your man's behaviour is unreasonable & he sounds like a bully. You know what you need to do! Maybe not now but eventually you will. You'll see.

SJ23 Mon 12-Oct-20 19:16:03

Thanks SO much everyone for this. Sometimes it helps to see things from the outside - when you're in a situation you can't see the wood from the trees. Actually after all the fuss, and my having supplied him with - and bought the mouse for - the Chromebook in an effort to keep things calm and be a total people-pleaser, he then told me he didn't want it anyway and was going to take some more time to think about his 'urgent' email. Aaagh...! I will think about what you have said

vampirequeen Mon 12-Oct-20 19:26:01

Your emails are not of his business.

Madgran77 Mon 12-Oct-20 20:54:51

Doesn't really address the problem of OP living with an abusive, manipulative control freak though does it?
Personally, *SJ23 this would be a deal breaker for me. He'd have to go. Permanently.*

I agree with Chewbacca. This would be a deal breaker for me too. Completely unreasonable behaviour.

SJ23 Mon 12-Oct-20 22:59:41

You have summed it up Madgran77 - thanks for that, and to everyone else.

Chewbacca Mon 12-Oct-20 23:12:31


welbeck Mon 12-Oct-20 23:26:47

is he disabled, if not why are you running around after him, buying him mouses, inconveniencing and stressing yourself over all this.
as for the various options and enabling, it reminds me of the rhyme, soldier, soldier won't you marry me...
so off she went to her grandfather's chest and brought him a pair of the very very best, and the soldier put them on.
i bet he did, fully kitted out, and off he went, only then mentioning that the reason he couldn't marry her was because he had a wife and childer at home.
as they say so succinctly on MN, LTB.