Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

Traviata we could do with knowing what Mum's opinion is about this issue?

Tell the sister who owns the house that if Mahomet can't come to the mountain, then the mountain must go to Mahomet. Obviously discuss it with your mother first, but you could take her out to meet the other sister. Wrap her up warmly, maybe hire a suitable vehicle to use, and take her out. That might make the home owner think again.

I also was caught between two sisters, The eldest and the youngest had a dispute many years ago. It was to do with the fear that the youngest may get more from mum's estate as they spent a lot of time together. Mum has been dead now for over thirty years and the sisters still do not speak. I am in touch with both of them, but nothing can be done to bring them together, even though it was mum's dying wish.

This is why I sympathise with Traviata.

GoldenAge

Younger sister's home yes - but younger sister doesn't have the right to say - which effectively she is doing - that your other sister can never see her mother again, and vice versa. Imagine your mother dying without being able to say goodbye to one of her children who wants to see her - clearly there was something major between your two sisters but whatever it was your mother's wishes should be the more important concern so she should be asked.

While I agree that the mother should be able to see her daughter...

Younger sister does have a right to say who is allowed in her house.

Mother’s wishes/sisters wishes are not more important than younger sisters and vice versa.

Which is why if possible, mother should be removed from the home for a visit.

It's irrelevant as to the issues that started the row. The plain and simple truth is that its emotional abuse of an elderly lady to assume that as a daughter we would have the right to prevent the elderly mother from seeing her adult offspring before she passes. Which she surely wrll, as we all do. The elderly mothers gp needs to be informed, so that a meeting takes place with the sisters regarding the mothers rights in all this. There are ways around it.

I agree Fuchsiarose, it doesn't matter what the argument was about or when, its abuse and needs outside help to protect the mother.

The sister should go out for an hour so the other sister can visit, as her poor mother obviously does not have long on this earth. This sister's conduct is cruel. The most important person is your mother.

This is now known as 'Elder Abuse'. Coersive control springs to mind too.

You don't have a say in who your sister allows into her house. Maybe you could take your tablet / laptop and engineer a FB / Zoom / Skype meeting with the other sister, though.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. Mother moved in with younger sister prior to the estrangement and has put a lot of money into the house so it is partly hers. More importantly it’s her home and my feeling is that she should be allowed to see who she wants in her own home at when approaching the end of her life. Despite all that’s happened I love both of my sisters and have told them I will not take sides, that this is not about their corrosive relationship, ( they will never reconcile) it’s about mother. As it is my support of other sister to visit is being viewed as emotional blackmail. Seems no way to resolve this but thank you all so much for your supportive comments and suggestions, it’s a relief just to be able to talk about it.

The house belongs jointly to mother and younger sister.
Mother is too ill and also virtually immobile, impossible to get her out of the house.

The original fall out didn’t involve Mother. The two sisters weren’t interested in sorting things out between them. And sorry to disagree with you but as a member of the family of course I would try to adjudicate in a non judgemental way. That’s what reasonable people do if their loved ones are going through a bad time. Mother is 92 and she’s dying. She makes no demands on anyone but she wants to see both of her daughters who she loves equally so I find you comment about the elderly demanding their own way out of order. This forum is for support, not apportioning blame.

No, the rift had not taken place when she moved in with YS. She was still striding across the golf course at that juncture, no problems.
Unfortunately my house is too small and totally unsuitable for a disabled person and also unsuitable for adaptation - I’ve been down that road.

Thank you - I’ve looked at that too!

So sorry to hear this Seastar. Money isn’t the issue with my problem but I suspect the outcome will be as intractable as yours. Never thought this would happen to us but then we never do until it explodes.

Well said.

Coercive control is a crime btw...

I'm guessing you aren't able to take her out of the house in a wheelchair for a stroll in the park on a nice day? If it was a short walk, you could "accidentally" bump into your other sister...

Your updates puts a different complexion on things. I am going to do a u turn here and say that as it is partly your mum's house and she wants to see her, then of course her daughter should be allowed to visit. However if your other sister won't budge, then I don't know what else you can do. I'm really sorry for your mum here.

Sorry to say this was a disaster waiting to happen.

If your mother's plan is living with her youngest daughtet the rest of her life, her health is supposed to decline eventually.

Your mother is picking a side in the fight of the two sisters by choosing to live with the youngest.

It is not reasonable to expect this long term conflict to disappear just because of age and health status

Ah sorry I also missed the bit about definitely not being able to get mother out of the house.

Sorry to say it, but this is actually a Human Right's issue and there must be help out there via the correct channels.

Here's a link about Human Rights www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/human-rights-act/article-8-respect-your-private-and-family-life
It doesn't specifically have guidance on your individual situation, but hopefully it's a bit of help. I also wonder whether a charity such as Age Concern can be of help?

Bottom line is if your mum wants to see her daughter and her other daughter is preventing this, it is a safeguarding issue, and whatever's more if this was happening in any care home or other institutional setting, would become a human rights issue (Article 8 Rights to family life I believe).

As a nurse you will know all of this.

Is the youngest sister getting any help to care for your Mum? She may well have become exhausted, and so may be less amenable to compromise.
During your visits, why not do as some have suggested and let your Mum phone the other sister while you are there and/or bring a device to Skype. That would be a start. Good luck with this.

There's a helpline on this page Traviata and it may be helpful www.equalityhumanrights.com/en

At the very least, let someone outside the family decide if Human Rights are being breached.

Your Mum has a right to Family Life en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right_to_family_life

Within the United Kingdom the right to family life is a ‘qualified right’ under the Human Rights Act 1998. This qualification allows a public authority to interfere with the right to family life if it is in protection of others' rights

"Theright to family lifeis the right of all individuals to have their established family life respected,[1]and to have and maintain family relationships.[2]This right is recognised in a variety ofinternational human rights instruments, including Article 16 of theUniversal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 23 of theInternational Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, and Article 8 of theEuropean Convention on Human Rights."

Assuming other method of communication (videochats, calls, letters, emails, etc) are allowed between the mother and middle daughter, the lack of in person visits is not
preventing the mother from maintaining a relationship with her middle daughter

Claiming abuse and violation of personal rights is an overreach