Retirement Stresses

My late DH and I had a similar problem after we retired.

He was happy to potter about and wanted me around, whereas I became very involved in politics and other voluntary organisations. I had worked for my DH for years and the children were now off my hands, so I wanted to live my life.

The upshot was that we nearly separated over this but decided to see a couples counsellor. After a few sessions opening up to each other, we decided that we spend one day a week doing what he wanted. He also paid for me to accompany him on one occasion travelling to countries he always wanted to visit.

What I suggest here is that you communicate your wishes and find a compromise that works for both of you. You should be able to travel if you want and if your partner isn't willing to join you, than that's her choice. I suppose you could offer to pay for her, if she wants to join you.

Many relationships come under strain, or break up, after retirement because it highlights frissons in the relationship. Couples look ahead and ask themselves if they want to spend the next 30 years or so together!

DiscoDancer1975

I haven’t read other replies, but my first thought is menopause. The list of possible symptoms is exhaustive. It seems a shame you talk as if you’re separate people. Even if you’re not actually married, to all intents and purposes, you are. She may sense this and feel undermined, particularly if she IS menopausal. You need to talk I think, it’s the only way.

Did you read the OP though ? Menopausal in her sixties?

I'm curious if she is 'unwilling/unable' just because of her finances, or because she just doesn't have the travel passion that you do?

As others have said, communication is key. At age 60 you have many years ahead of you, so you need to prioritize what you hope to accomplish. What you see as her doing very little maybe her vision of enjoying small pleasures. But there will be trouble ahead if either one of you is unsatisfied with the way things are going.

I know of another couple, about the same age and together about the same amount of time, both still working but with differing views about retirement. They are also struggling with coming to terms with each other's ideals, and really need to have a summit meeting with a set agenda and hash things out towards a common resolution.

Perhaps by setting up such a meeting at a set time (in a month or two) will give you both time to set goals, come to the table with budgets and goals so a good discussion can be had without heated feelings.

Perhaps your partner just ran out of the incentive to keep slogging away each day and needed to slow down a bit. We all have different approaches to life. Surely you discussed her leaving her job at the time?
I get that she may be unwilling to go on holidays but why is she unable? Because she can't afford it? I don't get much sense of "we" in your post.

I am in a second relationship and we have separate finances. However if I did not have money to go on holiday he would most definitely pay. I think couples are actually meant to care and share.

Each person in the partnership needs to have some agency. - some freedom to choose how they’ll spend their time and effort, as well as money. Maybe take her out for dinner and calmly raise your concerns. There may be a back story you’re not aware of

It seems like you are "missing her". All of a sudden you have huge chunks of time and as you were well prepared for the end of your working life your partner wasn't. No children well as you can see from this site children even tho grown up and have families of their own still take up a lot of time. So what to do... any chance of her going to work again ? any chance of her starting up something of her own ? however small it would still be hers. You are 2 individuals who happen to be sharing a home and life, but still individuals, any chance of her taking up studies or interests by herself, ? shes feeling lost my dear and that's an awful empty feeling, its like saying " now what happens"and that's a bit scary for some people.

Retirement is different from what you have each been used to doing.
On a retirement course, we were told "You are about to start the longest holiday of your life"
It requires a change of outlook. Some people never accept that they are no longer a power in the land, and make themselves unpopular.
Fewer deadlines will feature in both your lives.
There are interests that you will enjoy, there are activities that he will enjoy. They may not be the same. But there will be things that you can both do together; some will give more pleasure to one than the other but they will still be shared activities that you both enjoy together.
Now that you are both away from the pressures of daily work, you can relax. Instead of dashing for the 07:10 train, read the paper and have a coffee before deadheading the roses! A crossword will maintain mental agility if such stimulation is felt to be needed. (Never ever thought that I would be trying to do one each day")
Jigsaws can be relaxing, and frustrating.
But whatever floats your boat(s)

My husband of 38 years (we retired 3 years ago too) has always done the finances, with my contribution considerably less as I didn’t have career progression opportunities as he did -however, I had similar hours after children were at school full time. We sound exactly like OP and partner except he accuses me of being lazy (unless I’m knitting or doing housework)
He does go mountaineering which I don’t, so it’s possible to
do different activities without falling out. Before lockdown we could go to cinema, visit family, go out for a meal. Now we go to Tesco together and the occasional walk but it can’t be helped, as Redhead says, it’s hard time for us all. Rubicorn, have a frank discussion with her and with love and respect for each other, you’ll cope.

Retirement can be difficult even for the most closest of partners. Get real there will be no travel allowed really for some time to come. That will save you money so it can go into a holiday account. If it's a partnership does matter who pays really? There must be something you both have in common so build on it. Live each day as it comes and compromise this year has been difficult for everyone.

I think what bugs me about the first post is the equating of financial means with a work ethic. Not all jobs pay the same, not everyone has the same capabilities, not everyone has the same good fortune in life to not have to worry about responsibilities other than work.

Maybe she just has different values? Personally, I have no intention of slogging away during my more young and able years to put money aside for some future day decades in the future. I want to live life then but I also want to live a full life now. I try to find a balance between thinking of the future and living in the now. I've seen too many people make retirement plans only to have one of the spouses pass away right after retirement, so they never achieved their goal. Who is to say I will live a long retirement? Or that my health will enable me to do what I can do in my younger years? I'm going to meet some goals now. This is my preferred value, to have balance and live now too.

As it is, life has not left me unencumbered enough to work much, but any employer I have had will tell you I have a top notch work ethic.

It is odd you have separate finances after 17 yrs, even if you don’t want to marry you still should have comparable finances in day to day terms if not property. Maybe she is just a home bird and is happy doing that, in which case you should adapt and spend as much time close to home as possible. Or days out together, taking only a couple of indepedant holidays in a year.

All you can do is ask her if she would like to go anywhere with you, or suggest places she might like.

As long as you are both happy separate holidays are OK, more usually it’s the woman who is more adventurous in later life, leaving hubby at home with his pipe and slippers

I don't find it odd that people who partner up later in life keep separate finances. Presumably OP.s wife did not spend many years raising their family together as they were past that stage of life.

Seems he may just have to do things with other friends or alone as his partner appears to lack motivation to join him, and perhaps contribute toward the cost sometimes if she does occasionally want to join him. It may be worth trying to discover some joint interest that they can enjoy though or the relationship would seem empty.

I haven’t read other replies, but my first thought is menopause. The list of possible symptoms is exhaustive. It seems a shame you talk as if you’re separate people. Even if you’re not actually married, to all intents and purposes, you are. She may sense this and feel undermined, particularly if she IS menopausal. You need to talk I think, it’s the only way.

Me too ocean mama we’ve been married 43 years I raised the kids practically alone when he was making his way up the career ladder and now working full time when his career took a downturn. In the end it will be what we have both achieved with joint efforts. Never been his or hers.

I agree with you Hetty58. Me and my husband have combined finances and he even pays into my retirement to bridge the gap between us somewhat.

There can also be other factors that result in disparity between partners besides simply choosing to work for pay less.

If my husband ever held his greater earning capacity over me and refused to treat me as an equal partner, I'd be out of here so fast after telling him exactly why I am in that position.

Rubicon12, after 17 years together, it struck me as really odd that you have separate finances, also that you seem so focused on (bragging about) how much more you have.

It seems as if, having worked hard and earned well, you now feel you have a right to dictate how you both spend your retirement years.

I do wonder how much work and effort your partner put into running the home and looking after you. I'm willing to bet that you didn't do your fair share.

It may be that you 'owe' her 17 years of unpaid (and unappreciated) housework, laundry, cooking, shopping and gardening wages - all work which allowed you to put in the time and effort to make a success of your working years.

You don't come across as being truly thankful, valuing the good in your relationship or wanting to adapt to fit in with your partner's lifestyle.

All you can do is make plans and ask if she'd like to be included. If she doesn't (and who could blame her) then go on your own.

is this really about retirement.
or about the relationship.

I have been in the exact situation,even the ages were the same.

I am the wife that had less money and liked staying at home having little interest in travel.

My husband was happy to travel alone in the same way as I was happy to stay home alone.

The way I saw it was that nobody is right or wrong in wanting different things and to try live as you do not want to only leads to resentment.

We are still married, this started 3 years ago, and see each other when my husband is in the country and get on well.

Is the op married to his partner?
I thought perhaps they were 'courting'.

I accept you may not feel able to fund all of her travel expenses (depends on how far you want to travel) but I do think money may be worrying your wife.

Ask her outright perhaps.

If she is frightened about running out of money, this will influence her decisions. Women often have less money than men in retirement because they may have stayed at home to look after children etc. etc.

She has probably contributed other things to the marriage and life is not all about money.

Good luck to you both.

I am not really a fan of bucket lists but it might be a way in for you both to start talking about the next few years. With a group of our friends my DH & I put together a list of places we wanted to visit or things to do ..each contributing a couple of ideas ..we then planned them into the diary..then Covid hit!

However the point was for us all to share time with each other doing different things that were not necessarily our choice but might broaden our horizons.. Do you and your OH have a close enough relationship to choose even a couple of things each to do together? It might be as simple as spending a night in the Kielder Forest star gazing or going to an art exhibition or as grand as a cruise up the Amazon! Your shared budget will determine what you do! It is always about give and take.. and you both have to do your fair share! But talk about it!

Your wife made lifestyle choices. She’s short of disposable income for retirement.

Is she bothered? Maybe not.
Perhaps she never had any intentions to travel.

You need to clear the air by talking and listening. Then deciding what to do about the retirement years.

Good luck.

Rubicon, she might not have made as much financial contribution to the marriage, but has she made her contribution in other ways? It is very common for women to retire with less money and to be at greater risk of homelessness in retirement years, though this is often because of time taken out of the workforce to raise children, which the two of you haven't had to factor in. Myself and my husband have a very different approach as all assets are on a 'what's yours is mine' approach.

It sounds like you and your wife have very different approaches to finances. You sound like more of a planner while your wife sounds like she might be happy just living in the present. This has led to where you are now, so now you both have to decide what this means going forward.

Does your wife want to travel, or is she willing to, but the issue is finances? If you can't pay for her to enable her to do this, is it possible for you both to do less expensive travel, more locally? Does it always have to be travel away? What about day trips? Dining experiences?

Does your wife have the energy to constantly be on the go? I like being on the go myself but I also need some down time. Do you need to compromise here and do a bit of both?

Would your wife be okay if you sometimes travel alone or with a friend?

There are a lot of different options for approaching this time in your lives and I hope you can work it out.

Most of us don't realise what a huge transition retirement is.
We certainly didn't plan ahead.
Having said that, I remember now how horrified I was when husband suggested we buy a boat and sail around the world.
Imagine being stuck together 24/7 in the close proximity of a boat.
In the end we compromised and moved to France, where we had nearly 20 happy years - back in UK now.
So Rubicon- try to find a compromise, tell her you want to do things together.

Hi all
Thanks very much for all the feedback, its been very helpful.
I think deep down, the key issue for me is that we are quite different in motivation in that I like to be on the go a lot and she is very laid back. Trouble is, that's what has caused us to go in different directions financially. She has always looked after her own finances so, though I have expressed concern, she has always insisted that all is fine. Its only now that I realise what this could mean going into Retirement and I suppose I feel a bit resentful of the fact that she did not feel it important to prepare better for the future. I also feel she is very naive in terms of financially what is required to have a comfortable retirement. I definitely could afford to fund some of our travel but not all the time and am thinking that we do need to come to some sort of agreement on this without getting into yet another argument.