Lonely

Patsyfagan, it is difficult for older women to find a decent man on a dating website. Not impossible but expensive if you persevere. Most men have something wrong with them so compromise needed.

You could join a special interest group on the internet that men like. They like pubs, football, cars, politics, old trains, old tractors, farming, power tools, DIY, ( men farmers need suitable wives and have little opportunity to meet them).

Patsyfagin - Just to say I know how you feel 100%. Sometimes people say they will help but after a while they can't be bothered anymore. I think generally people today are more isolated and that was even before Covid. I think its because we use to live in tight communities where everyone knew each other and now we don't. We have become less trusting and tend to 'squirrel' ourselves away.
We are supposed to have an MP minister in the government for battling loneliness. S/he is obviously doing a great job because I don't even know her/his name or what s/he has done. All I know is that loneliness is getting worse.
Please message me, Patsyfagin, if you want to chat.
Keep trying to meet people. I know Covid isn't helping at the moment. When workshops and classes open up again I would join up. The more you 'put yourself out there' the more chance you have of not being lonely.
Remember this is not your fault - millions are in the same boat-Keep busy - don't be too hard on yourself.
Dating sites I think can be a good laugh as there are some really weird people out there but also alot of people are looking for the impossible e.g a slim, 30 + yrs, blonde woman or a hunk with a 6 pack, full head of hair with loads of money, a swimming pool and room for a pony. People tend not to be realistic. Some are just looking for sex. If you can sift through and avoid these I suppose dating sites aren't too bad but go for a well known, professional site.
Good luck and all the best.

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Patsyfagan

Feeling lonely, not just because of lockdown but generally. Been on my own for 3 years now. Thinking about joining a dating site but there are so many and numerous bad reports, any recommendations. ?

Being single for 3 years can feel like a long time. Nowadays, many people are turning to dating sites to find companionship or committed relationships. According to Infogram, 1 in 5 relationships now start online, and Maturity Dating reported that 80% of people know someone who has found love online, so it's not an opportunity to be missed.

Some popular dating sites for over 50s are:

- OkCupid
- Saga Dating
- OurTime
- eHarmony
- Plenty of Fish
- Lumen
- SilverSingles

Also, if you're new to the online dating scene, here are some tips on dating in the social media era: www.vivastreet.co.uk/blog/10-rules-of-dating-in-the-social-media-age/

I hope this helps

Go ahead and DO IT! I met my husband on eharmony. I had dozens of people getting in touch. They weren’t horrible, either, just some very nice men who didn’t want to pick someone up at work/in a bar (just like us). It was good fun and I met my husband on it. He is an absolute class act. We married after a year of him coming to visit me here and me going to visit him there (Canada). We have been married for eight years and it’s been wonderful. Don’t stay lonely. Even having emails to read from all over the world was fun (in my case mainly Americans and Canadians). You can choose an option to include various countries. I wasn’t going to meet anyone of quality down at my local boozer (and I wouldn’t want to). Do it! It’s a good laugh and you just never know!!! The good sites (like eharmony) are very above board and don’t allow people who are married. The make sure the client is protected. Much nicer than “fancy a shag?” Tinder. Happy hunting, you little cougar, you!

My experience of online dating was through Classic FM.. four years ago. I put up my profile and I heard from a member after a week or so. We corresponded for 2 months. He was elderly, widowed, an Oxford postgraduate, and sounded very urbane, charming with a lovely family. What could sound better? He turned out to be an out and out rogue with a very dark history. A real Jekyll and Hyde! It took me a year to discover all this. I have been a widow for many years; I would not touch dating websites ever again!
I didn’t realise how much I liked my own company, and love being on my own, with my own friends and family.
I wish you well in your quest, but do be mindful and watchful of yourself. ☘️ x

Forever Friends is a interesting site but it is female only. I’ve met one or two really nice ladies. Restless is also an interesting site.

A while ago I joined a friendship/dating site, making it quite clear I wasn’t looking for a relationship. It wasn’t very successful but that doesn’t mean you won’t be. I met in coffee shops, in the daytime and didn’t share my address.

Give it a try but be careful. There are some seriously weird folk out there.

I met my husband on Plenty of Fish - a free site then - obviously both cheapskates! We were both in our 50’s and got married 2 years after we met. Good luck in your venture - there are some lovely men out there - but some rogues too. Take care.

My friend joined one called ‘Attractive Professionals’. It was very expensive to join and maintain your membership. She ended up marrying the third man she met. I did wonder at the time whether there were more women than men on the site.

I got engaged in May this year on my 75 th birthday. I had many blind dates. But my advice is. Have an email address that does not contain your surname. Send emails to each other only on the dating sites email. Never give your own email address until you are sure of the man. Then speak on the telephone a few times, this way you will pick up signs that that person is not for you. Never meet anyone at your own home. I used to meet someone in a public bar like a Beefeater. If I didn’t like the person, I would say that I have to go now. I met my gorgeous man through Match. Com. Do not use Plenty of Fish, this is a free site and in my opinion there are a lot of ‘players’ on there. I have my own house and did not want to meet someone who did not own their own home and car.
Go for it, it is very interesting, life is too short. Many of my friends, mainly Widows used to say ‘oh I don’t need a man’ well I do. It is heaven going on weekend breaks etc together. I am going to sell my house and move into his. It took me a very long time to meet this man and I kissed a lot of frogs. Please be careful though. You will get a lot of messages from younger men, just ignore them. Good luck and just be very cautious and do not trust anyone until they earn that trust.

I think I would join some local groups for interests I have. Maybe do some voluntary work to meet other people. I wouldn’t want another partner but someone to enjoy going out with (when we can anyway), say for a meal or to the theatre etc would be nice. I have some very close female friends of almost 50 years some are now on their own and we enjoy each other’s company, they are like family, better in fact. I don’t think I could start all over again.

I've always lived alone right from when my marriage broke up. 26 years. Well by alone I mean with my kids, and then 12 years ago the youngest went to Uni. Many, many times I have been alone, lonely, anxious and depressed ( yes blind drunk too whiles). I have tried dating sites but they are not for me. I just want to say though I don't think the way to address loneliness is to go out and find a mate. It has been a real struggle for me. I am by nature a loner and true friends are few and far between. I go by the thinking that I cannot be happy in a relationship if I am just taking my unhappiness into it. So I am starting to explore my interests and try hobbies which did not seem possible when I was raising my family. I can finally say that I do enjoy living alone - oh I might be ready to meet someone now lol. Quite happy and busy with my interests. Good luck though x

I had been widowed a while and was in my early 50's. I joined a couple of websites My advice avoid Plenty of Fish [for the younger generation I think] Only interested in Bed hopping! I deleted my profile on there very quickly!
I found the over 50's site much better. I talked to many people and met up with 2 or 3 all very nice people but just not for me. Then I met my current partner and we have been together 10 years now. Go for it but chat for a while before meeting up, maybe a few phone calls before you decide to meet. Always meet in daytime, just a coffee at first and see how it goes. The site gives safety info ie
Always let someone know where you are going and have them call to check up on you etc Safety is paramount, dont give out address until after a few meet ups.
Have fun and trust your gut instinct.

Two of my friends met their current partners on eHarmony and both are very happy. One told me you need to keep a perspective and not go overboard with people who are not ideal for you just because you are lonely. The other said you need to take it slowly and not rush into things. Probably the current situation of not being able to meet for a while would be ideal.

It's definitely about being cautious.
I've a friend who met someone who seemed nice but ended up being very controlling and jealous and it took her a while to break it off. I also have two friends who met their spouses through dating sites, so know it can work out fine. My own experience was mixed and didn't really work out for the best. I'm now married to a lovely man I met through work, after first becoming good friends.
If you start to have any doubts, follow your instincts and break it off. Try to avoid appearing too desperate to be in a permanent relationship but look for common interests and , preferably, shared views on issues that are important to you. Good luck.

Patsy

I am one of the few men on this site. I am on Match.com is ok but as advised just be careful and enjoy. I think now is a good time to join as you can get to know someone before you meet up after the lockdown.

Definitely try dating sites on saga. Do not go on Tinder, it’s free and attracts the wrong kind of men, generally married ones. I went on one for older generation that you paid a monthly fee. Keep chats on site at first before you give away your email address and arrange a date. It was fun, always meet in a public place, never give away your personal details, enjoy the general chit chat, then see how it goes. At least from reading their profiles it gives you bit of an idea if you have anything common, which is better than meeting a complete stranger in a pub. I met my man online, 3 years on we’re still together and he’s just proposed. I am lucky but was very cautious. Your first instincts are generally right.

Catterygirl have no fear- meeting safely will be top of the list. There were around 6 of us who have met a few times now.
Look after yourself.

I know of three people that have used dating sites. Of those, all three succeeded in finding partners. Two are now married and the other ones are living together.

Charleygirl, hope we can meet next year for lunch or coffee. If Debenhams closes down, maybe House of Fraser, John Lewis or Fenwicks have somewhere to meet.

I think as Annaram1 says, don't expect too much and you might even have fun. I set up Someone Special, an international dating agency in the 80's and did my best to vet the clients. I had a few marriages, one in Gretna Green between an Austrian lady and a German gentleman. I did get some weirdo phone calls but thankfully, they were rare.

My advice during lockdown would be to join some recommended to you and use the time to chat with the frogs and you might just find a prince. At least it will pass the time. When this is over, I feel a coffee is best so you can make a quick escape if he looks nothing like his photo or is boring, or worse still, over cheeky. If you like him, slip him your mobile number and suggest dinner another time. Hope this helps.

A very dear friend of mine lost his wife after a long illness. After a few duds he has now met a wonderful lady. She has been a life saver for him.

The most important thing is to keep safe, by meeting only in public places. This is a bit difficult at present, but it can’t do any harm to dip your toe in the water. Get used to how the sites work and, if you find someone you like, just chat online to begin with. Good luck/

In pre-online dating site days, my divorcee cousin ‘met’ men in Chat rooms (remember those?). She worried me to death arranging to meet up with men in hotels and I persuaded her to ring me when she got there, I’d ring her half way through her evening to see if she was safe or needed an excuse to leave in a hurry, and she’d ring me when she was leaving or when she got home. Eventually she met The One - and he lived less than a mile away from me so I was able to check him out. So, if you give on-line dating sites a go, please make sure you have a Safety Plan, like the one that my Cousin and I devised, before you meet up with any of them. No matter how long you’ve spent corresponding over the Ether before hand. Good luck

After being twice widowed, I tried "Plenty of Fish" - and met the man who is now my husband. I agree though, that you DO need to be careful. DON'T, as others have suggested give out personal information such as your telephone number or address. There are definitely people out there who will have lied about their age and/or circumstances, as well as those who are looking to benefit from vulnerable people. I asked for "friends for now", and stated that I wanted to talk at least for a while before any meeting (this was prior to Covid - in 2011). There were a few "oddballs" who responded, but also people who seemed nice. After emailing for a while (through the POF site) I used Skype to contact people, and if they use a computer or laptop, rather than a phone, you get to see them and usually some idea of their home in the background. This would be less obvious with smartphones. We married in 2014 and been happy ever since. Use your own common sense, but give it a try. You can always stop using the site if you are not happy with the contacts you find. Good Luck.

I have quite a bit of experience with OLD.
It was a very sharp learning curve and I developed a few strategies over time.
Initially I wasn’t ready to actually meet men but was happy to get to know some online. I eventually selected 3 to chat to. One each in the US, Canada and NZ who had seemed like worthwhile correspondents. It was lovely to come home from work and have messages waiting. Since the death of my husband I had dreaded going home to an empty house.
I’ll give you a few tips from my experience.
Get a new email address and only use this for OLD. In doing this should you decide to stop you simply drop that email address.
Start with a free site e.g. Plenty of Fish. Register as a man 5years older than you in your area. This will allow you to see the profiles of the other women on the site. Read their profiles and decide what works for you and what really doesn’t. Make notes and gradually get your profile composed.
Don’t give your life story, keep it brief and upbeat. You’ll need a profile picture. Be honest but be sure it is a little flattering. I took my own photograph but you could ask a good friend or family member to help. You needn’t tell them what for, it is required by a club you are joining is quite enough.
Once you have honed your profile register as a woman and load your photo and profile.
Initially you get a flurry of interest and the responses allow you to amend your profile. Edit your profile regularly in the light of your experiences. Once I felt I knew what I was doing I moved onto a pay site.
If someone was quite unsuitable I politely told them I didn’t feel we had enough in common but thanked them for getting in touch and hoped they found a match soon.
The ones I eventually corresponded with were interesting and we all enjoyed the correspondence. My first big shock was when the Canadian one told me he’d be in Glasgow in one weeks time and wanted to meet me. We had a few dates over the next 6 months as every time he flew into Europe he would detour to meet me. Nice man, interesting life but not for me so that gradually fizzled out.
Meanwhile the American announced he had to be in Blackpool soon (aerospace engineer) and wanted me to come down to meet him. He was staying at a five star resort and would book me my own room. Warning bells made me wary so I called him, he thought to make arrangements but I wanted to find out more about him. Within 1 minute I knew I hated his voice and a weekend in his company would be torture. Sad as he wrote exceptionally well.
That left my Kiwi.
I made a point of phoning him and he had a lovely voice. We got to know each other really well online (I could write a book about that time) and then he decided we had to meet. I met him at the airport and on the way to my car I realised I was highly attracted to him.
I visited him in NZ to see his home and family, he came back here and asked me to marry him.
I’ll leave the story at that point. I do recommend OLD. If you are careful and selective it can be a great experience.
Happy to answer any questions from any of you via private messaging.
Good luck.