Disappointed with son

weirdly enough I think it is because he feels so secure in your love he doesn't bother. My son is a bit like that and when I get outraged at his seeming indifference my daughter will remind me that it wouldn't occur to him that I was being slighted or disrespected. Its a kind of backhand compliment. And if your DIL is doing her bit even more reason for him to think it is not his job. I bet he'd be amazed at how strongly you are taking his forgetfulness...indifference whatever. So don't be too upset. He loves you just doesn't know how to show or know that he has to.

Giving childcare is just about the only way I get to see my grandchild on a regular basis (in normal times), otherwise would hardly ever see them as they live far away. Pay for all my own travel costs and put up with much disrespect from son. Sometimes feel I have to suffer for the privilege of being with my grandchild, but the years pass quickly and I will have to put up with it or my grandchild won't know me. I'm glad I stuck with it bearing in mind the long lockdown this year.

So many presents are bought with no thought put into them whatsoever ( a quick trip to boots to pick up a toiletry gift set you don’t even like etc )
I’d rather have a heartfelt ‘happy birthday’ than a nondescript present that never gets used.
But I do understand why you feel upset. You help them out so much ( saving them lots of money in childcare ) a lovely present to thank you for all your help would have made you ( & your husband ) feel really appreciated.
However, I would never stop looking after your grandchild as that’s just wrong in my opinion - ( unless you have to of course for other reasons ) - enjoy your grandchild and move on from this birthday disappointment as soon as possible.

Sheilasue, Your story is so sad, and a reminder to us all to value our children. Sending condolences.
pepper, I am sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Obviously the little gifts were from the whole family including your son. Be grateful that you have such a lovely daughter in law.

Sheilasue I'm so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your son. I hope your gd has helped to fill that space in your heart in the years since then. Thank goodness you are there for her. Wishing you many blessings. xx

You are not being unreasonable at all, you both are doing a lot in terms of childcare, and it would have been nice to receive presents for both of your birthdays, I don’t believe necessarily that sons don’t remember their parents birthdays, both of ours do with no prompting from anyone! The presents don’t have to cost much it’s the thought! We would also feel used, we have helped with our grandchild’s care but not in lockdown, but over the years certainly have, maybe it’s time to step back a bit on the childcare as you feel used, and let them find alternative, the cakes sound lovely by the way,

I find it very annoying that children expect a free ride with childcare. Yes I have helped out on occasion for both my Daughter's, but they certainly didn't "expect" us to. When our children have children they need to take into consideration childcare costs, helping out is one thing,but treating Grandparents as babysitters is another. I fully understand that childcare is expensive, but I also feel if grandparents are still working themselves it's a lot to ask.

I don't expect anything from my children as I love them unconditionally. That said, I always get a lovely card by Moonpig or in the post or in person where they thank me for everything I do. One of them sends flowers, one gives me a plant and the other one nothing as she is not working. It sounds like your son loves you as he wants and needs you in his life with his family. He unfortunately does not know how to express his feelings, and not to send you a birthday card is unforgivable. Have a word with him about it, tell him how disappointed you are and that it makes you feel you are not appreciated. See if he has a valid excuse. He did phone you so your birthday is definitely not forgotten. Hope he makes up for it and gets you a lovely Christmas prezzie. I hope things work out well for you.

Have your son and daughter in law had a drop in income due to the pandemic ? We have as my husband is self employed and though he gets the self employed grant, which has been a blessing, and I have my pension, we have still experienced a significant loss of income, so we are not spending as much on presents for my 6 grandchildren this year. They will still get something related to their hobbies, and I am making hampers with homemade chutney, ham, cakes, biscuits for my sons and their wives. I know a lot of people are in the same position this year. Difficult times.

Great point on the dil's present also being the OP's son's.

If anything, I would be more ticked about not seeing son in person that day and him not coming in with dil and gc - just being picky about the situation.

I'm amazed that you value relationships by the money involved!

As others have said I think we are all feeling extra sensitive at the moment, I would have thought the gift came from all the family and not expected a separate one pepper12.
I do think that now is probably the time to review your child care arrangements with your family. It does seem they are expecting a lot from you and your husband. You need to sit down together and talk honestly about your expectations and theirs, hopefully this will avoid misunderstandings and resentment in future.

pepper12

Thank you for your kind replies. Having spoke to my husband we have decided to enjoy the time we spend with our grandchild and value the special bond that we have with her. In the cold light of day it is more important than presents. However we are going to be cutting down the gifts of money for their birthdays and the presents at Christmas and we will think about how much time my husband gives up for childcare as he wants to return to work in the new year and my daughter in law will be on maternity leave and our grandchild starts preschool every morning. In reply my son can be thoughtless and I know that it will not change so it will be up to us to make the small changes that will improve our lives and not let resentment build and cloud our love for them

I think you are making some very sensible choices there. It can be hard when you think your adult child is taking you for granted. I could tell my two sons that I felt that way and I know we could discuss it without acrimony. My daughter would take offence and it would cause great upheaval. Consequently, I adapt my strategies to take that into account. It is only worth tackling if you think you can affect change and you are not going to suffer more for doing so.
I hope all goes well for the future.

I do sympathasise with the care being taken for granted my husband had our grandson 2 or 3 afternoons a week to save fees at the nursery. Now he’s at school we hardly see him . We didn’t expect payment or anything but when it was my husband’s birthday I remember thinking to myself o well he should get a nice present which he did the first year but not much after that . I think grandparents very quickly get taken for granted. I think the present from you GC sounds lovely and thoughtful however and I suppose that was from the family asa whole ? I’d be happy with that x

Having the grandchildren is a present for me. A real privilege.

Personally I would not make an issue of it .....birthdays come and go, some people set great store by them, others don't ......also a lot of grandparents have no contact with their children OR their grandchildren ....so as you do, I would be content with things the way they are ! It is a shame if you love your birthday and think it should be celebrated and it seems you do a lot for the grandchildren. I would jokingly say to your daughter in law ...it was nice to have a chat with (son) ....ha ha did his card get lost in the post ? and laugh and leave it at that ...........she may give him the messasge that it is important to you .......BUT more important is that you are at least in touch with your grandchildren and children ...a lot of people would be thankful for that !

In reply my son can be thoughtless and I know that it will not change so it will be up to us to make the small changes that will improve our lives and not let resentment build and cloud our love for them

Very wise

Happy birthday for yesterday Pepper (we share with Prince Charles?). I got a very late phone call from and flying socially distanced visits from youngest. Think I'm more upset that all they seem to care about is how we intend to divide up our "wealth" now that we (as their parents) are divorced!! Must say that spending my retirement on wine, chocolate and travel is becoming increasingly favoured and leaving any funds left to charity. I had nothing but memories from my parents and expected nothing as knew hard work was how you got want you wanted. I thought my children had same thinking but seems they are selfish and entitled like so many others. In future I shall treat myself to nice things and appreciate the friends I have who put a lot of thought and care into their gifts to me ?

I think some children do use and abuse parents good nature. Especially mothers. And to a certain extent we don’t mind. But sometimes we feel it would be nice to be appreciated.
I help a lot with my grandson, I don’t want paying, but my daughter is very though at Xmas and birthdays.
My youngest son, who lives with us doesn’t do Xmas or birthday presents, which is fine as he does such a lot of diy jobs round the house.
My oldest son used to give Xmas and birthday presents, not always on time. But when he and his partner visited, would bring flowers and a cake. Which was lovely. We didn’t see him very often.
But we are estranged now and I haven’t seen him for 4 years.
You have to tread very carefully with ac, they can be very unforgiving. Whatever you’ve done for them in the past gets forgotten. As I know to my cost. I think once you’re estranged from one of your children, it makes you very wary of upsetting the others.
So, take one step back, don’t get too upset about your birthday. And give them plenty of time to sort their childcare out.

Oh dear, my son and DIL forgot my birthday 2yrs ago, despite it’s the same day as his and my youngest son’s birthday, and despite me taking a present beforehand toDIL to give him on the day.
Next two yrs nothing, just a card, long story. Moved on now, much better! (Sometimes)

I think the trouble here is that you and your husband originally took on child-care out of the goodness of your hearts.

Within a family, I don't think it is usual to expect to be paid for child-minding, so yes, a birthday and a Christmas present would be in order.

If you bring this up with your son and DIL you risk starting a quarrel, so I honestly think you should consider carefully whether it is worth it.

Crikey! Family relationships are a minefield, aren’t they?

Clear communication seems to be the best solution (as always) and I’d certainly want to clarify childcare arrangements before the next grandchild is born.

Grandparents seem to be assumed to be financially secure enough to become free childminders with lots of time on their hands these days.

Do grown up children enquire about their parent’s ability to do this when deciding to expand their family? Or do they factor in the cost of childcare if both parents need to work? Big questions when sorting out a family budget.

Sheilasue Just want to say you are in my thoughts. So sorry for the loss of your son.

You’ve arrived at some very wise decisions.
Maybe be excessive in your appreciation for the thoughtfulness and kindness shown this year in the hope that it will be redoubled in coming years. Failing that, do as I do (having been trained by my two sons): don’t be subtle! In advance of your birthday openly state what you’d love to receive and smile sweetly.

As others have said - I think you have worked it out yourself.

I would summarise it along these lines:
* accept our children are all different in how they regard their parents birthdays and how much they appreciate us
*often it is the wife who works out presents/cards for everyone's birthdays - and they view these as being from the whole family
* decide what is reasonable for you and your husband to provide by way of childcare
* decide what you can afford by way of presents (we give to mainly GC at Christmas)
* decide what's right for both of you in terms of working hours
* enjoy the time you have with granchildren
* don't make your giving/decisions based on what they seem to give back or how much they appreciate you , but on what your heart and your circumstances tell you is best

Best wishes for good health and a good work/life balance and many happy hours with your granchildren ( and children).