Disappointed with son

Can't you just tell your son how you feel after all your disappointment is with him You don't need to argue with him .

As I have said before , you brought them up ?

My daughter and younger son always send cards and presents for my birthday. Elder son just doesn't really do birthdays! I also do, or rather did childcare for my granddaughter, before the pandemic. I would often stay over at theirs, and enjoyed it. But, elder son does impromtu gifts. The ipad he gave me, with my favourite colour - purple - leather cover; or the chocolates he knows I love.

I completely understand why you feel so upset. Don't buy him and his wife a gift when their birthdays come round.

What have they bought in previous years and was this year hugely different?

Pepper, ask your son if he loves you. Many people only give birthday presents to children, and think adults do not need little gifts for this and that.

If you need you son to help to pay for child care ask him in a friendly manner to do so, explaining you need financial help with the expenses , because your husband turned down a job offer to look after the child.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

In 'normal' times I look after my grandchildren - without expecting anything in return. In fact, it's a pleasure.

I sometimes (not usually or always) give adults birthday presents but I never send them cards. I'll text or email a 'Happy Birthday' so they know I've remembered.

They are adults, after all - so shouldn't expect anything much.

I always remember to send presents to children (still don't do cards as I can't see the point of them) as, of course, birthdays are very special to them.

We grow up though (well, most of us) and become less self obsessed, realise that everyone is very busy - and sometimes broke. Therefore, a simple 'Happy Birthday' message is quite enough!

I really think you had a little fuss made of you with the cake and chocolate and that your dIL was being thoughtful, your son wished you happy birthday.
I wouldn’t have really wanted more than that at our age, it’s usually only children that have a big fuss at birthdays except if they are big birthdays.
Regarding childcare only do what you and dh are happy with otherwise you could start resenting the time you are having with them instead of enjoying it.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such, it’s the way you are, and your grown up children should know this. We are just different. We don’t do presents for adults, unless it’s a landmark birthday. My MIL expected certain things, and this was one of the many things that lead to eventual estrangement. I looked after grandchildren while the parents worked, and it was such a privilege, and not fair for them really. I had had my time, and it almost felt like I was receiving a gift. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted paying for it. Well that would have defeated the object if nothing else. It sounds like you had a lovely gift, whether it was £3 or £300. Be careful, as this is the very thing that could cause problems further down the line.

You are not being unreasonable. You and your husband deserve more credit for what you do and your family are lucky to have you.

My son has ignored me for 15 years no birthday, no mothers day, no Christmas cards now that is hard to take... but I get on with it. Fortunately I've got a super daughter and son in law that make up for that.

I can relate to you my daughter is 19 and i dont even get a phone call or a txt wishing me happy birthday I think its the generation to be honest, I’ve noticed they are very self centred. I’ve come to accept it but I dont like it I think its disrespectful and I could never do that to my parents, happt birthday from me in NZ xxx

I am going to have to say this, when my son was in his young teens he relied on his older sister to get card and pressie. Which she did. When she got older moved into her home my son met his partner. She never sent cards for birthdays or Christmas, he would send a card if he remembered so I wasn’t to worried his relationship with girlfriend wasn’t good
She had attacked him a few times, so I really was glad her name wasn’t on the card, then my gd came along and we got a card from her and my step grandson.
My son was killed by his partner in 2007 and we brought up
Our gd. Step grandson went to maternal grandad.
I have the few cards he sent me, so glad I didn’t throw them
away.

First time posting but this scenario got to me. I think i would concede to say that it’s obviously time for us adults to not give gifts and that you would far rather concentrate on gifts for the children, Birthdays etc. As far as the childcare goes I feel that is a gift in itself, you are entrusted with their care and it keeps us active and young.

You really should count your blessings and enjoy what you have. This is trivial in the overall scheme of things. The fact that they trust you with their precious child speaks droves, and is far more important than obligatory cards and presents, which it would most likely end up being. As disco has said, you could end up losing a lot more than a few presents. It happened in our family too. Please don’t do tit for tat. That really is the slippery slope.

Apart from the lack of birthday acknowledgement you and your DH seem to be trying to be everthing to your family - parents, grandparents, childminders. Surely you know you have to either have a conversation with them explaining you can't do it all as well as you and your DH work too or just tell them no more as you have your own responsibilities to deal with. Your life sounds like you are constantly in turmoil. Yes families try to help one another but not to the detriment of others.

It wouldn't bother me in the least not getting a present. We're all different but to put a £3 price tag on your gift and say it wasn't good enough beggers belief.

Why do you expect a separate present from your son? Surely a present should come from both him and your dil. As it is you had a present from them and gd as you referred to it as a family present and you did say not to spend much.
Having said that I understand your disappointed. A bunch of flowers would have been lovely but as we are in lockdown difficult to do? I still believe it should be from all of them and not just your son.

I'm so very sorry that your son treats you in such a cavalier fashion pepper12 I think it's wholly unacceptable.
I count my blessings that my own DS always marks my birthdays and Christmas time with his own special thoughts and love. I get a joint present from him and his partner (sometimes expensive, sometimes modest, they're both self employed and income fluctuates) but always a card just from him ( partner sends her own) with a thoughtful message inscribed. A visit if work commitments allow (he lives 300 miles away) but always a phone call from him if unable to visit with time set aside for a good long, cosy chat.
It's not about money spent it's about time and consideration and being made to feel an important part of his life still.

Just to have a birthday remembered is enough for me.

They were thoughtless and you would be right to say something.

However, I see so many threads on Gransnet where people have fallen out and have limited or no contact with their grandchildren. Is it really worth the risk?

I know this is letting them off the hook. In your position, I would drastically reduce the amount I spent on them for their birthdays. I would not reduce what I spent on the grandchild.

Be very careful about telling your son that you are upset by his thoughtlessness, I speak from experience!! My son, who I supported in adulthood more than anyone else, treated me with indifference unless he wanted something. My counsellor asked me if I had told him how upset I was about this as maybe if he knew things would improve. Quite the opposite .. he decided to cut me out of his life completely rather than accept he treated me unfairly. He has even tried to prevent me having contact with my GC through their mother (they are not together) but thankfully she sees that it would be bad for the children as they know me very well and would be upset that I disappeared.

The daughter in law you mention is the wife of the son you're wondering whether to be disappointed in? I'd say this was standard married man behaviour. The wife was dealing with your birthday present, he simply added his voice as an after thought Nah, you're doing well that the dil cares enough to make an effort, you can be sure it's with your son's blessing.

I see why you were hurt - but I agree with so many others here that it is not worth endangering your love for your son and grandchild and such important relationships. If you can put it aside - and continue to be the person you want to be - generous, and kind - that will give you a happy way ahead. Its better to be the person you are and want to be, than let others' behaviour shape you. I wish you well!