An embarrassing, "sh**ty problem

Unless he is also suffering from dementia he will be well aware, and acutely embarrassed and unsure what to do. Give him a hug, reassure him that you are aware of the problem and will support him in getting treatment for it. Then book an appointment with your GP.

Exactly that!

Reminds me of when FiL was left alone by his second wife,
He started bringing his washing around to me, He wore woolly longjohns and they had multiple skidmarks.
I already had my hands full with our family so refused to do it eventually. and understood why she'd left him.

As you say this has been going on for some time Nan2six then there must be evidence of the problem in his underwear. Don't really think you can pussyfoot around this, tell him you are aware he has a problem and he really needs to get it investigated, I don't see how it could be just a personal hygiene issue if its gone on for a year. It's important any changes like this are checked out.

phoenix

If his jeans are whiffy, then as others have mentioned, surely his underpants must have "evidence" , which must be noticeable to both of you?

He wears dark cotton boxers and I just chuck them in the wash without examining. I've been sniffing every seat he sits on and the definite whiff is there.

I am wondering whether there may be a medical issue but he'd be mortified to go to a doctor. I'm trying to psyche myself up now.

Thank you everyone for your replies. He is such a proud man, which often makes him stubborn. I'll try and broach gently...

Mr P has a similar problem as that posted about by ExD, a very enlarged testicle. He has refused to even consult our GP!

Women have smear tests, mammograms etc, why are (some) men so bloody precious about these things!

One very, very cross phoenix.

I have bought up 2 sons and have never had the skidmark issue in underwear!! disgusting! teach them right from young!

may be a health problem in the op case but needs talking about!

EllanVannin

I'd shame him and tell him there's more skid marks in his underwear than at Brands Hatch.

Ooooh, he's not always renowned for his sense of humour??

How do you think he is likely to feel about it? I know you've said he can be defensive, but is he the type to be embarrassed that it's noticeable, or annoyed that you have mentioned it?

If he's likely to be embarrassed at you noticing, he would probably be mortified to think that others will be aware of it too - maybe not so much in lockdown, but when it's over and he's mixing in company again, so that could be a way in for you. You could gently point out that there is a problem, and offer to help him to get to the, er, bottom of it.

If he is likely to be annoyed, you could have a word with his GP and ask if they would bring the conversation round to it at his next check up. I'm sure they are used to having to broach embarrassing subjects with reluctant patients, and can do it tactfully.

Either way, I would be gentle with him. Some people are very embarrassed about this sort of thing, and as he can't help it there is no need to make things worse (not that I'm suggesting you would )

As you say it’s been going on for sometime you need to speak to him about this and get it investigated, I wouldn’t leave it, and nor should he,

I can’t understand that if you find him whiffy why he isn’t aware of it himself, unless he’s lost his sense of smell.

He isn't constipated is he?
I haven't read the entire thread, but perhaps he has overflow caused by constipation.
You really need to have a frank discussion with him, and get to the root of the problem.

I'm never shy about discussing such things with Mr. MM.

EllanVannin

I'd shame him and tell him there's more skid marks in his underwear than at Brands Hatch.

That absolutely creased me - I'm sat in bed (note the time) giggling like hell

Sorry OP, I know that doesn't help

This is your life partner. No doubt through the years he has been aware of your issues...heavy periods, diarrhea bouts, etc. Did he shrink in embarrassment or take it in stride? Did he shame you? I rather doubt it. You owe it to him, and allow him to avoid embarrassment in the future. If he gets mad, he is probably relieved on the inside,

Is he overweight? The reason I ask is that I have noticed that men, who are overweight are often a bit smelly in their nether regions. I think they find it harder to wipe and probably sweat as well which adds to the mix, also due to being overweight washing in the underpants region is more difficult. (No offence intended BTW).

Unless he has dementia, he must know himself. I would tell him straight but kindly that it's upsetting you. He needs to don the job thoroughly, I woukd not wash soiled underpants either unless he was ill or had dementia. You have been married so long, shared the most intimate of moments so how can you not say anything. If you notice so will other people. Do not believe in those wipes, they don't bio degrade ever and inflict so much damage to innocentvcreatures and our planet.

Several posters seem to find some of the comments amusing.
I’m afraid I don’t.

It sounds as though it might well be a medical problem, and I feel for the OP and her DH.

If it is just that he doesn’t wipe properly, and smelly, she needs to speak about it as tactfully as possible.

If medical, then see the doctor.

Hope it gets resolved.

Perhaps he has a rectal prolapse. You need to check his underwear and then gently ask him about it. Hope you get it sorted.

I would have thought you’d know if it was anything serious. He wouldn’t be able to hide his discomfort, and there’d most likely be blood there too, although not always I know. It’s still worth checking though. Could he be finding it difficult to wipe for other reasons? Back or neck stiffness for example? Or is he a big man, so it’s awkward? You definitely need to broach it. I think sometimes humour can break the ice, and then make the conversation easier. No one would laugh if it was serious.

Yes, we always discuss everything. We laugh about things because we’ve been together so long, it’s easier. I’ve pushed my husband to the doctors on a few occasions, just to be sure though. Nothing serious to date, but there’s always going to be that first time.

And I am not being facetious but is there any possibility of getting a bidet? And of him washing after using the loo?
A friend has a disability and has one of those loos that washes and dries the nether regions, I wish more of those were around.

My husband wouldn’t know the term skidmark. Perhaps he doesn’t notice when he gets undressed if his boxers are dark, as unlike us men don’t need to take down their pants to go for a wee, so it’s only when undressing he’d notice , unless he needs more than one poo a day. Buy him some white boxers and he might start to notice.Incerainly wouldn’t put the aforementioned garments in with the rest of the washing.

This has made me think, how about the bed, does he leave any marks on the sheet. You will just have to talk to him however hard it is. Maybe mention that just maybe other people notice it. Good luck with problem, I hope all the advice you are given helps.

I am truly sorry for both of you.

I honestly think it's a medical problem if it's only fairly recently started happening.

If he was just careless about such things, the problem would have been there years ago,

I suspect the muscles in his anal sphincter have weakened. He may have piles. There are other problems which could cause such unpleasant things to happen.

He may well be defensive when you speak to him and I can understand why. He must be aware and be acutely embarrassed. In his position, I would be defensive although I think I would have not ignored the problem in the first place.

Visit to the Dr may be needed.

Tangerine

I am truly sorry for both of you.

I honestly think it's a medical problem if it's only fairly recently started happening.

If he was just careless about such things, the problem would have been there years ago,

I suspect the muscles in his anal sphincter have weakened. He may have piles. There are other problems which could cause such unpleasant things to happen.

He may well be defensive when you speak to him and I can understand why. He must be aware and be acutely embarrassed. In his position, I would be defensive although I think I would have not ignored the problem in the first place.

Visit to the Dr may be needed.

Thank you Tangerine, I thinknyou have some valid points here. We did talk about it the other night, it was painful, as he hates talking anything bodily function and us very private about such things. He did say he's been self treating haemorrhoids, but this morning there was blood on our sheet where he'd sat up to drink his cuppa. Without freaking him out more than he us already he is calling the doctors this morning, I've had to pop out...

Thank you everyone who replied to me and its helped me try and help him now. X