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An embarrassing, "sh**ty problem

(63 Posts)
Nan2six Mon 07-Dec-20 15:15:56

Hello Gransnetters, my first post on Gransnet, but I read daily. Something wisdom and common sense here.
I really don't know how to talk to my DH of 30 years about a personal hygiene problem which has become worse the last year. Basically (and sorry to be gross) he is just not wiping thoroughly after a poo, and a few times I've noticed a less than fragrant smell when he gets up from the settee. I have just thrown all his jeans in the wash, after they seriously failed a confirmatory sniff test. I'm fretting about how to tackle telling him he needs to wipe better. I leave moist wipes in the loo, hoping he'll use them, but not actually said outright.
Any suggestions on how I can tactfully bring the subject up? He's a very defensive man and will disagree with me on principle.

Dottygran59 Mon 07-Dec-20 15:23:12

Hi Nan2six - can't suggest how to tackle DH re the unpleasant aroma, but PLEASE don't use those moist wipes in your loo. I know that they are supposed to dissolve in water like loo paper, but they don't, and can cause untold problems in the sewers.

I've worked for a water company for many years, and the slogan is - pee, poo, paper - (down the toilet that is)

Missingmoominmama Mon 07-Dec-20 15:24:01

Does he leave marks in his underwear? He must know he has a problem if he does.

Walk past the loo door when he’s in and shout, ‘I hope you’re wiping properly!’ in a jokey tone. He’ll know you’ve noticed, and you don’t have to say anything directly to him.

Liz46 Mon 07-Dec-20 15:24:33

I would just say ‘you smell of poo’ next time he stands up and you get a whiff.

ExD Mon 07-Dec-20 15:28:43

Read, and perhaps join, the BAM group of facebook. Its a closed group so you won't be able to read the posts unless you join - but it's very helpful.
BAM stands for bile acid malabsorption and you can look it up on google.
Would a small tin of Vaseline be helpful (I mean would he use it? surely it must be uncomfortable? My DH ignores moist sheets too.
He also won't discuss these things and gets furious if I mention anything like that. Years ago I noticed one of his crown jewels was swelling, and he went into a dark sulk for days about me interfering in things I knew nothing about.
Three years later he had to have it removed.
The temptation to say 'I told you so' was almost irresistible.

nadateturbei Mon 07-Dec-20 16:26:10

I like missingmoominsmama's idea. Least embarrassing, but gets to the point.

ginny Mon 07-Dec-20 16:31:11

To be honest , I would just tell him. Better be embarrassed by you than have friends putting up with his smell.

FlexibleFriend Mon 07-Dec-20 16:36:20

Next time he gets off the sofa and you notice a whiff ask him if he's stepped in something and continue in that vein till he takes the hint, said often enough he'd be really dense not to catch on.

AGAA4 Mon 07-Dec-20 16:39:16

Could he have piles Nan2six? They can make proper cleaning more difficult. If this is a recent problem there may be a medical reason for it.

EllanVannin Mon 07-Dec-20 16:39:17

I'd shame him and tell him there's more skid marks in his underwear than at Brands Hatch.

MamaCaz Mon 07-Dec-20 16:43:35

He might have a medicsl problem that actually causes him to 'leak'. If so, he might also also be too embarrassed to mention it or see a doctor. Do try to gently raise the subject with him, in case it's something like that.

Nadateturbe Mon 07-Dec-20 16:46:05

Reading recent comments perhaps you do need to talk to him.

Nortsat Mon 07-Dec-20 16:50:08

I know it’s an uncomfortable subject but I think you need to mention it.
Perhaps ask if he’s suffering from piles or diarrhoea and whether you can get anything to help ... such as cream or medication. Then you could ask again if he needs anything to help ... should you notice it again.

My partner never used the moist wipes, he just assumed they were mine for indeterminate uses. When I explained what they were for and he tried them, he found them useful and comfortable.

I think a gentle conversation....

shysal Mon 07-Dec-20 17:11:17

It may be a medical problem which means that 'the last little bit' of a motion seeps after wiping. This could be solved by taking fibre like psyllium husk powder daily. I sufferered following surgery for piles and accidentally discovered the benefits when I used the powder in a recipe for Keto bread when on a low carb diet. There is info on Google.
I think your difficulty will be getting him to admit that he has a problem. Good luck!

phoenix Mon 07-Dec-20 17:27:14

If his jeans are whiffy, then as others have mentioned, surely his underpants must have "evidence" , which must be noticeable to both of you?

Chewbacca Mon 07-Dec-20 17:35:07

EV @ 16.39

That had me howling with laughter! grin

Toadinthehole Mon 07-Dec-20 17:40:12

I wouldn’t tactfully bring it up....I’d just tell him! But we have been together for 44 years, married 38, so any ablutions are well discussed, no embarrassment 🤪.

Esspee Mon 07-Dec-20 17:52:53

I would have no problem pointing out to my other half that his underwear was soiled and asking if he had a medical problem. (Please don’t tell us he goes commando🙄)
I hate making generalisations but men really are their own worst enemies.
You may need to bully him into seeing his doctor.

V3ra Mon 07-Dec-20 18:07:40

I didn't notice a smell, but there was a time here when skid marks were becoming a regular thing.
I said I didn't feel any need to deal with this myself and would he please use the laundry stain remover spray before he put them in the washing basket. This he did.
I also had to point out that makeup remover wipes were not the best thing to use (!) and why didn't he just buy the right ones.
I'm not convinced they don't get flushed away either, despite me saying just bag and bin them 🙄

phoenix Mon 07-Dec-20 18:14:22

ExD, have pm'd you.

lilyofthewest Mon 07-Dec-20 18:21:15

Those moist wipes are definitely not flushable so I wouldn’t put them down the loo. I had to have my drain unblocked because of a build up of these a couple of years ago. It was an expensive lesson learned.

lemsip Mon 07-Dec-20 18:25:48

Just say it! not in a nasty scathing way though! say there is a problem then say what the matter is and that he needs to clean up properly! otherwise there will be pages and pages of different suggestions on the way!

timetogo2016 Mon 07-Dec-20 18:32:01

Agree with Liz46 and ginny.
But EllanVannin that made me LOL

dragonfly46 Mon 07-Dec-20 18:32:48

I think you should just say it. He won’t like it but he may take note.

B9exchange Mon 07-Dec-20 18:38:13

If this is a relatively new problem, then it sounds as though he has a sphincter problem or faecal impaction with overflow, neither of which he can do anything about. Unless he is also suffering from dementia he will be well aware, and acutely embarrassed and unsure what to do. Give him a hug, reassure him that you are aware of the problem and will support him in getting treatment for it. Then book an appointment with your GP.