He is using you Jac64. Having got so tied up with his family it will be very difficult to walk away. but walk away you must otherwise you will never have a life of your own.
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So disappointed - what should I do now?
(182 Posts)I’ll try not to write a whole book, but I don’t want to leave any details out
I’m in my mid-fifties, my partner of 4 years is early 60s.
We met on-line, we don’t live together. He was widowed and left with 5 children 20 years ago. He’s had more tragedies in his life - his 21 year old daughter died, then a few years later his 18 year old son was left badly brain damaged in a car crash.
Through all this he had a platonic woman friend who supported him. They are still very close, phone every day, text repeatedly all day. I have grudgingly accepted this.
When we became exclusive we agreed to delete all online dating accounts, which I did. I later found out he hadn’t.
He then deleted them in front of me and I thought everything was going well.
However, last week I noticed a notification for a sex site pop up on his phone screen. I snooped in his phone.
He has made accounts on many hook-up sites. He has saved hundreds of explicit photos to his phone. He has messaged to arrange meetups.
But worse, there are 100s of photos of his “friend” - fully clothed, normal photos. There are none of me.
I confronted him. He said it’s research into scam sites. He said he’s sorry.
I am devastated - I had 2 abusive marriages previously. I thought he was different.
How Can I possibly carry on with this now?
Run for the hills and be glad you found out now.
I agree with other posts that you should ditch this man. At least you don't live together so it should be slightly easier. If it is possible perhaps you can arrange to still visit his disabled son and still see his grandchildren, although perhaps not to provide childcare as they are all innocents in this. Personally I would speak privately with the grandchildren's mother and explain that you are splitting up (you don't need to go into detail) just say that you no longer have anything in common, but stress that you are fond of the grandchildren and don't want them to be hurt.
I agree with other GNs here. Get out of this relationship now. There's a song which I recommend to anyone who needs to leave a relationship; I've mentioned it previously on GN. It's: "Shut up and Drive" by Chely Wright. (Not to be confused with another song of the same title by Rihanna.) Link here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6NmMe7RYhk
A line from this song is: "And you'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be". IMO, this says it all.....
What a horrible dirty disgusting man saving hundreds explicit photos from hook up sites when he supposed to be with you !
Then to flaunt his platonic woman friend in front of you by constantly on text messages to her . He has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. Leave him , you are still young enough to start again , and I’d tell everyone what an awful dirty deceitful man he is . Best of luck ?
If you stay with this man for whatever reason. You will have a lifetime of unhappiness.
You are worth so much more than the wolf in sheep’s clothing will ever offer you.
Even if you don’t love yourself enough to end it.
Think about what example you are setting for your children.
Would you ever want them to think that this sort of behaviour is acceptable.
Please don’t give into this manipulative narcissistic man. You will eventually look back and wonder why you hadn’t ended it earlier.
Be strong.
You CAN do this.
Your worth more Jac04. You know the answer yourself, you dont need us to tell you. Take care
Been there, done that and got the T-shirt. I kicked my partner out and have never looked back. Get rid of him as soon as possible and CHANGE THE LOCKS immediately!!
I am sorry to hear this, it must be very difficult for you.
My advice is to spend some time working this through, focussing on what you want and how can you achieve that.
This man has lied to you, of course he is not doing research into scam sites and he continues the communication with his ‘platonic’ friend, in a way which you find hurtful.
I suggest you work through how you could disentangle your life from his. Then have a conversation with him setting out what you intend to do.
He may offer alternatives or try to persuade you, but you have this knowledge about his behaviour and habits, that you didn’t have before. Knowledge is power.
I don’t think this man will change long term, he may offer changes but you now know he doesn’t keep his promises.
Do you have a trusted friend or relative you can confide in? You may need to work this through several times before you find a way forward.
All things pass and this very unpleasant situation will too. You have choices and options. You will find a solution. Posting on GN is a good step.
Good luck. ?
Please walk away from this horrible excuse for a man and start your life afresh,he certainly has no respect for you and you deserve better.Walk away now and start to enjoy your life you are young enough to start again but keep away from dating sites.
You deserve better.
I see this as you have 2 choices.
You accept that this person will never be honest with you and may have multiple meetings with other women
Or
You cut your losses and leave him asap and rebuild your life without him.
Really the choice is yours but good luck and best wishes whatever you decide xxx
lf you don't get rid of this man you will have a lifetime of stress. You deserve better.
This sounds like ‘Geoff’ from Coronation Street. I haven’t read any other replies, but it’s time to call it a day. You’re still young, go for it.
rosecarmel
*But why the hell would he do this?*
Because he's just another guy, like most- And what they don't store on their phones they commit to memory- They're shady as the day is long!
That’s a bit harsh!There are good men out there. Sadly, this one is not one of them.
I am sorry you are having to go through this but, as others have said, he is not worth it and you are worth much more. Good luck!
if you stay, he'll think he got away with it before & do it again. Go, there are decent blokes out there & I would tell your children why, in maybe a slightly sanitized version because it'll show them how to protect themselves in future
I really feel for you, I’m so sorting he turned out to be a liar and possibly a cheat ! Dump him, move on ! You’re worth a thousand of him. There are some lovely and lonely sincere and honest men out there. Sounds like you have supportive children ! Better luck next time xxx
As others have said GET OUT now! You do deserve better, good luck xx
I wish you all the strength and courage you will need going forwards.
If you stay with this disgusting man you will be treated like rubbish at your own expense.
Hi Jac64
I'm sorry to read you are dealing with this unsettling situation. Your partners past difficulties doesn't excuse his behaviour now towards you. He can't have any respect for you if he continues to behave in this manner. Once hooked on these sites, it becomes a habit to them. I have had past experience such as you and I finally walked away from the relationship.
As for his platonic friendship, I suspect from what you say about it that it could be unrequited love. It sounds like your partner wants more from their relationship than the friend does.
It's soul destroying for you and damn right cruel of him to keep you dangling as the back up plan. Hold your head up high and walk away. Don't strive for his attention. You are the star of your show, so hold out for someone who will treat you well. As they say, as one door closes another will be waiting to open. As someone once said to me when I was going through a similar situation....Better the right kind of nothing than the wrong kind of something. X
Totally agree with everyone else Get rid of the narcissistic deceitful creature Cut all ties and tell everyone why You may well find he's spinning the platonic friend the same lines as he's spinning you and all sorts more You are worth so much more Please make an appointment at the sexual health clinic asap HUGS XX
Jac64 this tells you everything you need to know. He will never be faithful and you are not his priority - run for hills lady!
Good luck - He probably has commitment issues and won’t change it is nothing to do with you . Do it for yourself and your children they don’t want to see mum miserable and treated like this and as others have said be thankful you don’t live together x
End it.
Good luck OP. x
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