Mother in law has not given step granddaughter gift

I am amazed by how many suggest actions that are basically playing games!!

Why on earth is it so difficult to just have a conversation as per my earlier suggestion? The premise being that MIL is being allowed to make her own choice AND take full responsibility for it and the OP is also making her own choice and taking responsibility for it. Not saying anything breeds resentment and 'retaliatory" unkindness. Rowing just creates unnecessary drama, least of all when it isn't actually the OPs decision who MIL gives a cheque to! The OPs decision is just about whether she will participate in something she doesnt agree with!!

I haven't seen a cheque in about 15 years. People really still use them? Even my 89 year old FIL knows electronic banking.

Not every elderly person does electronic banking.
Some dont have computers so well done to your FIL.

However, the fact that she has signed a cheque probably means she is very elderly, perhaps she is thinking thos is the baby's starting sum for a bank account.

We have an extremely elderly relative, he always gives money and includes the step-child too but he is still very much 'on the ball'.

RosieJ18

Do nothing don’t react to her as that will be what she thrives on but cut this toxic influence out from you and her
Grandchildren’s life now . You have all the power here she has no rights and deserves none by the sound of it.
Surround the children with loving influences not ones that can hurt them.

Oh, for goodness's sake!

So why would you want to upset an elderly person returning a present especially at Christmas with terse notes? Surely there is a nicer way to show that you treat the children equally and hope others will too. Your mother in law might have felt as the child wasn't related to her that it would be stepping on someone else's toes.

I haven't seen a cheque in about 15 years. People really still use them? Even my 89 year old FIL knows electronic banking.

The cheque is for the child. Send it to child's parents. Not your call to make.

Do nothing don’t react to her as that will be what she thrives on but cut this toxic influence out from you and her
Grandchildren’s life now . You have all the power here she has no rights and deserves none by the sound of it.
Surround the children with loving influences not ones that can hurt them.

Well, I am waiting for angusann to come back and respond to all these ‘helpful’ suggestions.
There’s been a lot of umbrage taken on behalf of the OP and a lot of judgements made about the GGM when we know nothing about the backstory.

Has your MIL met the little girl? She may be of the opinion that if she hasn't met the child then she doesn't know her and doesn't need to give her a gift. Not very kind I know, but my GM was like that, rather old fashioned and had to be formally introduced to someone before she would include them in her family or social circle.

If she does know the little girl then she's either forgotten to include her or she's deliberately excluding her. Very unkind.

I would be tempted to add the little girl's name to the cheque, but that doesn't really solve the problem longterm. I think I would return the cheque, thanking her for her generosity, but saying as your grandson now has a big sister you would not wish her to be upset by not being included in her gift. Then leave it to her whether she sends another cheque or not. That way your GC and their parents need never know of the hurtful dilema.

This happened to us with my unmarried SIL, she always sent a present for DH and DD but not the boys. I use to buy them something and said it was from the aunt, until she sent a game boy to one of her nephews and nothing for everyone else. The children came to the conclusion at the tender ages of 6, 8,10, that their aunt didn't like children and gave up expected anything from her.

Now my DD has the same problem with her new MIL. She has never accepted my DD or her son. When the new GS came on the scene she was all over him, demanding to see him and her son once a week, always buying sweets and presents. Sadly she has never acknowledged her son's complete family no matter how hard my DD has tried to appease her. It now turns out that MIL has done the same to her daughter's family and never accepted her husband, even though they have been married for thirty years. Both families tolerate her behaviour but it is difficult and any presents given go straight in the bin, because if she only buys for one child then it's not fair on the others, which seems to be her intention. Any money also gets returned. Very sad

Now in this pandemic her horrid behaviour has seen her lonely. She lives alone and because she has never accepted her children's partners and family she is not in any of their support bubble. For Christmas she is seeing her sister but she doesn't like her husband either.
You reap what you sew.

This is one bitter mil and you would give her the satisfaction of knowing how her actions have hurt you if you mention your feelings to her.Bide your time, your turn will come.

There's nowt so qeer as folks
Especially in extended families.
Our 3 childre were a few years younger than their 2 cousins, and gifts from their joint grandpatents---my inlaws, were always very cheap, tacky type things, unlike those to the older 2 boys.
This we accepted, as my inlaws were older and didnt have much money.
They slso had an extremely dominating DIL as the mother of the 2 boys, and were ruled by her.
However, what was so difficult for our three was that this lady, their aunt by marriage, would give extravagant gifts to our son, and token ones to our daughters.
The 'best' ever was a full Liverpool FC kit for our 7 year old son----who didn't even enjoy football ---and home made, adult style aprons to our 2 daughters aged 4 and 9.
We still occassionally laugh about the aprons, but at the time it was very hurtful for them

I’d ring her up and say that you’re confused, and get her to clarify her thinking. Then if she sticks to her guns of only giving one gift, you can say that you’re not comfortable with her decision and send cheque back. If she chooses to carry on singling out one child and ignoring the other, just make sure you are not a part of it.
You can’t be responsible for the behaviour of others . ♥️

I think all this anger and meaness is destructive and ruins your day/s. She's an old lady and clearly has nothing better to do than play these silly games. Bank the cheque then equalise the funds. Your win is to neutralise and disarm without her ever knowing.

Just a thought, but if the little boy is newly born, is this a ‘welcome to the family’ present, rather than a Christmas present? And if your step gd has relations from her ‘birth’ family, do they give her presents, that you may not know anything about, and not to your biological grand son?

That is really unkind, it’s not the little girls fault that she’s a step child. She should be welcomed into the family and treated fairly. This is what happened to my granddaughter her step grandparents always treat her the same and see her as an extra grandchild. Step should never come into it.
I think if I was in your shoes I would want to point out all children are equal and to be treated fairly. This shouldn’t be a Cinderella story.

I have step-grandchildren and I have always treated them the same as my blood related grandchildren. They have had the same spent on them for their Christmas and birthday presents. They have had the same amount of holiday spending money and also an extra little gift when they have done well at school or achieved something special. If I were in your shoes I would be wrapping up a little gift for her on your MIL's behalf.

Our family has long and complicated branches with numerous, partners, ex-partners, step children, half siblings and other relationships. My mother in her later years found it hard to keep up with them and I would often have to remind her about who was who in her great Grandchildren. Perhaps your MIL has simply forgotten. I do wonder about giving you the cheque in your gransons's name as well, surely his parents will have authority over his bank account if he has one. Maybe your MIL isn't sure who is in charge of your step GC's money and doesn't want to give outside the family.

I really do see where you're coming from on this. But I think it'd be best to put it under the heading of 'stupid things people do' and not have a big falling out about it. The way the world is we all have bigger issues than somebody being a bit.. thoughtless, mean or just daft.

On first reading I was a bit confused as it seemed unkind. Now I'm wondering why GGC gifts were sent to you to distribute as opposed to the parents of the children.

I would just ignore the whole episode this year. Next year perhaps give her a gentle reminder.

I would buy and wrap a small gift pretending it was from her . Only for the child's sake so she doesn't feel left out .

You already hate her. You have already admitted to excluding her for the first five years of your children’s lives ( or was it grandchildren). Don’t make things worse. Buy a present for your step grandchild and say it was from her and pass on the cheque for the bio grandchild’s bank account.I doub if she did it maliciously probably unthoughtfully and how many five year olds have their own bank accounts or know what a cheque is. All completely bonkers.

Don't let her upset you and I agree with vampire queen cash the cheque and split the money between the children

We were fortunate that our SGD was accepted as ours but for 16 years no one but friends bought for our foster children. It shows people's true colours doesn't it.
I wouldn't visit her or let her see the children. It's got to be all or nothing. So cruel .

BlueBelle’s advice is spot on.

I don’t understand why this lady sent a cheque
A) in the baby’s name
B) to you, not the parents.

I would view it as a gift for a new baby and pass it on to the parents.

This step grandparent thing is not straightforward and not the same for everybody. I remarried, with two children, and my second husband also had two children. The four children were never together when we saw the grandparents( we lived at a distance) so the grandparents did not have the opportunity to form a relationship with their step grandchildren, so presents did not come into it. There was no animosity. It would have been unreasonable for them to have to spend double.( they were not well off).
On the other hand, my grandchildren have in total, 8 grandparents/ step grandparents so they get gifts from them all.