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Mother in law has not given step granddaughter gift

(156 Posts)
Angusann Wed 23-Dec-20 00:32:03

Hi, I just need a rant! I have just become a bio granny this year, but I have an amazing step granddaughter, she’s 5. My mother in law gave me a cheque today for my grandson, her great grandson, but absolutely nothing for the little girl. I am gutted and hurt, the cheque is made out in baby’s name so is clearly only for him, his name was only one on card too. I cannot believe she has done this, even a pair of socks would have been appreciated..., we won’t see her again over Christmas so I know there is no other gift. Just don’t know how she can do this! We don’t have a close relationship so I can’t even say anything to her our she would create major fuss.

Lolo81 Wed 23-Dec-20 00:52:08

Angusann, how lovely to have welcomed another GC to the family, I say another because by the tone of your post you were already a Gran by way of your SGD.
In the shoes of the parents I personally would return the cheque, but that’s a call for the parents to make. I completely understand your hurt and anger at this sort of thing, if money was a factor as you say a wee minding like a pair of socks or a selection box would have been nice.
Would a fuss be the worst thing in the world to happen here? Ultimately as I say it’s up to the parents but I’m sure they’ll be grateful that you’re upset on behalf of your SGD and I’d encourage you to support them if they do choose to say anything regardless of any tantrums your MIL may have as a consequence!

Summerlove Wed 23-Dec-20 01:48:15

Is it at all possible she just forgot?

Otherwise, how unkind!! It saddens me so much how much stock some people put in “blood” relations only.

Angusann Wed 23-Dec-20 05:57:39

I know she hasn’t forgotten, she has spent the last 30 year's I’ve known her playing mind games, wanting a reaction, to the point we stayed out of her life for 5 years when my children were babies. But yes unkind is exactly what it is.

Loislovesstewie Wed 23-Dec-20 06:08:13

This is so unkind; I think someone needs to speak to her. I can't get over the fact that she is prepared to upset a 5-year-old! Perhaps 'forgetting' MIL's birthday should be on the cards? Childish I agree, but then she is behaving childishly.FWIW I was a stepchild and my stepmother treated me as though I was hers, despite the fact that I was an adult when she married my dad. He wouldn't have married her if she had been mean to me.
I really think she needs to be told; the little girls should be loved for herself, not just because she is a 'blood' relative.

Dottynan Wed 23-Dec-20 06:38:05

My MIL bought, from a charity shop, a used plastic boat for her grandson. Under her Christmas tree was a huge pile of Christmas presents for her other grandchild. I have never forgotten and never will

BlueBelle Wed 23-Dec-20 07:01:45

I don’t know what a bio grandmother is ? As she gave it to you personally and you know it’s not a forgetful mistake I would definitely hand it back and say I think you ve made a mistake you have two great grand children I ll wait to get the other one
or else I d tear it up or I d give an equal one tout my own pocket
I used to buy my kids presents from their father who never gave them a blooming penny

Ashcombe Wed 23-Dec-20 07:03:28

Is bio biological? As opposed to step grandmother?

vampirequeen Wed 23-Dec-20 07:37:11

If she's a game player then don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know it's got to you. Cash the cheque and share it between the two children. If she ever queries it say that you assumed it was both of them as you knew she would never intentionally be mean to a child.

GagaJo Wed 23-Dec-20 07:40:16

I'd return it. She'll continue doing this unless you block it. The baby is too young to know now, but you won't be able to take a gift back from a 7 or 8 year old to share equally between them.

I would post it back saying 'Send an equal gift for both, or don't bother sending gifts at all.'

PollyDolly Wed 23-Dec-20 07:50:28

I would return the card and cheque intended for the GGS to MIL telling her to give to both or give to neither. Despite their birth origin, all children in a family unit deserve to be treated equally surely!

Many years ago, my maternal Grandmother took exception against my brother; we were from the same parents so no "step" relations involved. Grandmother would not buy birthday/Christmas gifts for my brother and displayed extreme dislike towards him. My mum nipped this in the bud telling Grandmother that if she can't buy for us both she needn't bother buying anything at all!

BlueBelle Wed 23-Dec-20 07:51:19

She can’t cash it vampirequeen it’s made out in the baby s name
But she can hand it back with a sweet smile and say I guess you forget ?Samantha? if I give it you back you can write two new ones out smile plasters on her calm face

BlueBelle Wed 23-Dec-20 07:56:11

Just reread it and you arent seeing her before Christmas well I would still give it back post it, put it through letterbox whatever you would normally do....with a note something like I expect you forgot ‘Samantha’ if you can tear this up and get two cheques written out I ll definitely pass them on Thanks

TrendyNannie6 Wed 23-Dec-20 07:58:13

That would be going straight back to her no question about it,

janeainsworth Wed 23-Dec-20 08:30:21

Am I the only one isn’t clear about the family structure here?

Are the step-granddaughter and the bio-grandson step-brother and sister?
Or are they cousins?

If they are cousins it could be that MiL has a different present-giving arrangement with that branch of the family.
Possibly it’s a one-off because bio-grandson is a new baby.
I would certainly not do anything so hurtful as returning a gift without at least trying to find out exactly why step-granddaughter had been apparently overlooked.

dogsmother Wed 23-Dec-20 08:35:23

I’m with Bluebelle, make it clear.

kircubbin2000 Wed 23-Dec-20 08:39:26

Certainly wouldn't make a fuss or return the cheque. 5 year old probably won't notice if you give her a small gift like a selection box.Although rethinking that my 3 year old gs knew exactly who had given him what at his birthday party.He also knew who's mum or dad was who out of his class party..

lemsip Wed 23-Dec-20 08:43:26

I'll quickly say, the five year old won't know, so won't be upset!!
get her another little present yourself. I always made sure my grandchildren and there half sister had the same number of gifts to unwrap! The half sister was loved and treated the same as the others by me even though she had her own grandparents also!
don't be nasty at Christmas on someone elses behalf. It isn't necessary! it shouldn't have been a surprise as you say she's been the same for 30 years!

Madgran77 Wed 23-Dec-20 08:43:52

I would speak to her,(by phone?) rather than play games. As in..."I got the cheque for *. Did you intend to enclose one for *? as well?" If she says no, ask why! If it was deliberate respond with "I see. I am not willing to be involved in leaving out **! So I'll return the cheque to you and you can sort it out with *(parents)."

In other words you are not rowing, imposing your views on her. You are just refusing to participate in her choices!

Yes she might make a fuss etc. Just say " It is your choice what you do but I am not willing to be involved in leaving out *" Repeat! Do not get engaged in emotional stuff, do not respond to any criticism of you and your choice , just say "That is not what we are talking about. I am not willing ......!"

Good luck! flowers

janeainsworth Wed 23-Dec-20 08:49:51

Good advice Madgran.

I’m struggling to understand why MiL didn’t just give the cheque to the baby’s parents. confused

sodapop Wed 23-Dec-20 08:58:28

I think you need to deal with this now Angusann, it's obviously not an oversight as your mother in law does this sort of thing often. The child is too young to understand now but if you don't nip it in the bud then it will continue. I don't think you should pretend to send a gift from her or start any sort of cover up as this will end in tears. I think Madgran has a good suggestion to deal with it. I had this sort of rejection from grandparents as well.

Blackcat3 Wed 23-Dec-20 09:33:31

Does she know the little girl in question?

wildswan16 Wed 23-Dec-20 09:34:42

I would accept and thank MIL for the cheque. But also play mind games with her. Say "I realise that you don't consider xx as your grandchild but I wonder how we will cope with that in the future as she gets older and understands more. Is there a way we could help you accept her as the important part of our family that she is".

Say it sweetly - and if things don't improve then take action as you see fit. But giving her a chance may help prevent total family fall-outs. (Even if you don't really mean it).

Barmeyoldbat Wed 23-Dec-20 09:34:45

If it was me I would return the cheque and card with a note telling her why.. This is really a horrible thing to do to a young child. Just for the record I have two gc who my son inherited (as we call it in the family). They have always been treated exactly the same, in fact we were told we were favouring one of them over all the others. So we changed our approached.

Cossy Wed 23-Dec-20 09:37:20

My only grandchild is not “biological” but I’m every bit as much of a GP as my husband (it’s his wonderful daughter) my own mum always sends a pressie and card for his birthday and Christmas, it’s so not about blood. Either way, ignore this woman, either she’s thoughtless and does not realise or she’s done it deliberately, either way don’t give her the satisfaction of a reaction, enjoy your Christmas