Do you spend similar on adult children & partner

Saranine had my mil waited for cards and presents from dh she would never have received anything! I think it’s something about men’s psychies that they tend to leave it up to their wives. Nothing to do with control. Does your dh send cards and presents or is it down to you?

Saranine

@Stilton I have definitely taken people’s opinions on board. I said early on in the thread that I would give a joint gift next Christmas. I’m just discussing with people to get my thoughts straight. It’s not just the money, it’s if I really am as in the wrong as my Son makes out.

The thing is, this is probably not really about the gift. For someone to get annoyed about the gifting issue, I think it's likely part of a bigger picture where this dynamic of DIL feeling like an extra, because of your actions, is the real and ongoing problem. I'm not saying I'm right here but do think about whether there could be any truth in it.

Saranine

@MamaCaz It would just be nice to know that my Son had thought of me by sending me photos of the Grandchildren that’s all. It’s like he’s checked out of our relationship by letting DIL do it all.

I can understand that. It's nice to feel that our children care and are interested. It must hurt a bit to feel he has checked out.

I don't know why but my husband is like this as well with his family. I don't think it's that he doesn't care. He just doesn't, and has never, 'done it' as far as social and contacting/connecting things. I'm sure it's not personal.

Given this is the situation though, your DIL is your key to being connected to the family. Why not build a relationship with her? I'd have loved it if my MIL had wanted to spend time with me and become a friend to me. Instead she made it very clear where my place was, alienated me, resulting in her son's efforts to connect being all she could rely on. He still doesn't 'do it' socially and my MIL has lost out as a result.

I spoke to my Son again today after he rang to say happy new year. It seems that he is holding a grudge over different things I have “done wrong” and so it wasn’t just about the money. I feel like he never lets things go and constantly wants to punish me.

No. I am sorry but you have made a mistake. You can never expect to have a close relationship with your DIL if you continue to treat her this way. I have 5 adult 'children' but I also have their various assorted partners! As the parent of adult children I think I have to try very hard to like all of them. I certainly love each of my children but I do not necessarily like them all of the time! No, the best way is to gift money to both of them and keep gifts equal in quantity and value.

We have a target sum for presents for AC and their other halves. Exactly the same. I would hate to think my AC were treated differently by their partners’ parents.
Slightly off subject but a friend’s children were treated very differently by her mil. The son used to be showered with gifts and money, the daughter got very little. MiL preferred boys! ?