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My husband thinks Covid is a 'plandemic' and his attitude and ways of thinking have become so against mine, not sure we can survive it.

(29 Posts)
SuzyP2 Sat 09-Jan-21 12:45:59

We have been married nearly 30 years, we don't share the same political beliefs but we agreed a long time ago to agree to disagree.

He is however becoming more and more convinced by the Covid conspiracy theories which has caused heated arguments. He reads about it and listens to podcasts about it all the time and doesn't believe the numbers of people dying are truly Covid related

On the Thursday TV press conference, the medical officer made reference to those who think it is all a hoax and they should grow up, he also said that attitude is an insult to the nurses and medical professions.

I have heard the terms before but it just resonated with me this time and I asked my husband if he thinks the entire NHS and the army are in cahoots and are just playing along with the hoax. He had his eyes closed as if pretending to be asleep (he wasn't) and didn't answer me, the rest of the evening was spent in silence.

By the time I went to bed I was shaking with anger and just wanted to scream and cry at the thought of his denial of all the people involved in caring, helping, supporting, this list of people is endless.

Perhaps I have blown it all out of proportion and I wasn't sure whether to post this under coronavirus so forgive me if I am in the wrong place, but at the moment it feels like I cannot get over his lack of belief, care or humanitarian compassion.

I cant quite see where our relationship can go from here as I really cannot agree to disagree on this.

Can anyone please help me to see and think a bit more clearly please?

Poppyred Sat 09-Jan-21 12:51:11

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you disagree with him and tell him that the subject is TABOO.

Is this something new or just the last straw SuzyP2?

Iam64 Sat 09-Jan-21 12:51:39

Sorry SuzyP2, I can't think of any way to help you to see and think a bit more clearly. You seem to see it very clearly. Your husband has drawn into a crazy conspiracy theory and you haven't. Is he going out and breaching the covid guidelines, so putting you at risk physically as well as causing you to be so angry and upset.

Namsnanny Sat 09-Jan-21 13:00:38

For the moment dont look for reasons to argue.
It seems you wont get any sensible discussion with him so dont try.
He is entitled to think anything he wants, however odd it seems.
So long as he isnt putting you at risk, put your own mental health first by distracting yourself somehow.
If the relationship is over you cant do much about that for a while, so fo us on things that make you feel better!!

Toadinthehole Sat 09-Jan-21 13:04:39

I think I’d want him to write a detailed account of how he thinks all this ‘ acting’ is being done...rather than regurgitate what he’s heard others say. The amount of work that would need to be done, to make the theories true, is massive. All the world governments would need to collude for one thing. Can’t see that happening, and what would be the point? Could it be he is actually quite terrified of it all, so he goes into denial? As Poppyred says, the only other thing you can do, is refuse to discuss it, but if he really believes it...then he should be able to put some constructive arguments together, which I doubt he’ll be able to do simply because they don’t exist! Good luck with it all🤔

cornishpatsy Sat 09-Jan-21 13:16:02

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. As long as it is not putting others in danger I dont see what the problem is. You disagree politically without it causing problems.

Callistemon Sat 09-Jan-21 13:16:12

Could it be he is actually quite terrified of it all, so he goes into denial?

That's a good point, Toadinthehle
Ostrich mentality?

However, there are some truly frightening conspiracy theories out there on the internet. Does he spend much time on the internet, SuzyP?

Galaxy Sat 09-Jan-21 13:19:18

I think frequently it's a form of not coping, I am watching a friend go through this at the moment, I think we are all finding this difficult but I think some find it harder than others. I think it's often a form of breakdown, I realise that sounds very harsh. I am not sure I could live with it though.

Lucca Sat 09-Jan-21 13:19:45

cornishpatsy

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. As long as it is not putting others in danger I dont see what the problem is. You disagree politically without it causing problems.

Disagree totally. This attitude leads to non compliance and delays the end of the pandemic.

Sara1954 Sat 09-Jan-21 13:53:30

I talk to people on the phone every day, and am totally amazed by the amount of people who deny the whole pandemic. Others who won’t accept that we have supply problems. Every day someone, usually in a very loud voice, and with very colourful language, tells me they are sick of people using the pandemic as an excuse for incompetence.
It’s not my place to argue, and at work we are all used to it, but Suzy, I don’t think I could live with it.

Casdon Sat 09-Jan-21 14:00:12

Galaxy is right in my opinion, some people are just unable to cope with reality so look for any explanation to support that. You may be able to work out if that’s the case with him -is he following all the guidance for social distancing or not? If he is, then he is probably scared and just not coping?

SuzyP2 Sat 09-Jan-21 15:24:51

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.
Do I feel at risk? Sometimes yes, whilst I am sticking to the rules, he is asthmatic so does not wear a mask. He is also refusing the vaccine when offered even though he has an underlying health condition.
He has one of those badges on a lanyard so there is always risk involved if he is out. He works part time in a customer facing role where there is always further risk with regard to social distancing no matter what precautions are taken.
He is a very intelligent man who likes to research things and does spend a lot of time on the internet and we all know that once you have started searching for a particular subject there is always more, and more.....
I suppose we had initially adopted the same unspoken 'agree to disagree' stance. I take the point that he may feel out of control and scared but he is not likely to change his views. As for me, I feel less likely to continue to agree to disagree when there are human lives at stake, but knowing this will fall on deaf ears.
I think I have talked my way out of the fog in my head, thank you x

Sparkling Sat 09-Jan-21 15:30:16

It’s a pity he can’t be made to work on the wards, he might review his thinking. I don’t think I could live with him,it’s ridiculous.

B9exchange Sat 09-Jan-21 15:34:49

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better SuzyP2. It is a worrying time for everyone and we all have to find a way of coping with it mentally. It really isn't black and white, and you have managed to agree to disagree on really quite major events in the past. You managed that without it winding you up to screaming point, so I think the current situation is just increasing the stress levels.

Don't watch the news together if it is going to wind you up, find time to spend apart, and also time together to do things that you do both enjoy. A few more months should see us through this, and things will calm down. Hang on in there!

PECS Sat 09-Jan-21 15:38:54

"Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. As long as it is not putting others in danger I dont see what the problem is. You disagree politically without it causing problems."

hmm.. wonder if that is what people said in the USA?

Personally I could not have lived in the same house with someone who did not share my values.. political opinion is based on values... but now is not a time to be looking to separate ..far too tricky unless you have a loclrealative you can go and live with... So it is about agreeing not to speak about the subject and making sure he keeps to the restrictions and does not put you at risk. All the best flowers

dragonfly46 Sat 09-Jan-21 15:40:24

The only way he will believe it is when he gets it!

grannyactivist Sat 09-Jan-21 15:51:22

I have a relative whose thinking has been dominated by conspiracy theories (QAnon) for years. He has had rows with almost all family members about it because they try to argue with him. I don't; I simply say that I have looked into it and have not yet found any verifiable facts compelling me to agree with the theories. Because he still thinks that I am willing to at least consider the claims he gets less and less dogmatic with me about it.

In a recent conversation I mentioned to him my concern for close family members who have/had Covid. He asked how I knew it was Covid and I simply said that their symptoms matched what we know about the illness. He then said that Covid was 'part of a plot' and I suggested that whatever the reason for the illness was, the fact is that my (named) family members were suffering with it. He then asked about how it was affecting them and expressed concern.

I hope that by not directly challenging his theories he may continue to ask me questions about why I have reached my own conclusions and open his own mind to other views. It's a slow business, but he's a very compassionate man and it was his belief that powerful people were being abusive that drew him into the theories in the first place.

EllanVannin Sat 09-Jan-21 15:57:43

I reckon he'll change his mind if he catches it.
As in the Billy Paul song, " Only the Strong Survive ", is true of Covid, if a respirator is necessary.

Madgran77 Sat 09-Jan-21 16:25:43

I suggest only focusing on any actions he takes that might put you at risk. If there any tell him what you are going to do to ensure your own safety.

PECS Sat 09-Jan-21 16:48:13

Are you suggesting that those who have died from Covid are weak EllanVannin??

That does not feel a very thoughtful comment.

EllanVannin Sat 09-Jan-21 17:04:27

Comparing an 80 year old to a 20 year old, yes,PECS. What would your thoughts be ?

PollyDolly Sat 09-Jan-21 17:09:02

I wish I could have madeyour husband sit at the side of my colleagues bed in ITU as he struggled for every breath; he died a very young man with his career and life ahead of him!

EllanVannin Sat 09-Jan-21 17:10:45

My comment is no worse than that published today about letting the old die whilst saving the young. Why do you think this is PECS ? Rationing intensive care to give the young a chance. What would you do and why do you think the old are weaker ?

EllanVannin Sat 09-Jan-21 17:13:02

My husband is sadly no longer here PollyDolly.

LovelyCuppa Sat 09-Jan-21 17:31:33

My BIL is very much like this. I think it's because he doesn't like anyone telling him what to do or think. He wants to be the only one whose opinions are valued, it's very wearing.

I'm sure if the government told him that covid was nothing he'd argue against it. Anything for an argument!

If I have to talk to him I steer conversations away from anything political.

You have my sympathy!