Roommate relationship

I could of written this post. Both myself and my husband are 54, sleep in separate rooms ( we blame the dogs sleeping on the bed, but not sure if this is the really reason ) My husband also thinks that everything is great but I often think ‘is this it’
I’m sure I would be ok living on my own ( apart from financial) certainly don’t want to be with anyone else.
I love my husband very much but half the time we hardly talk, he’s never been a great talking with me, everyone else he can talk for England.
Sadly I haven’t got the answer for anyone in this position, I’m sure a lot of us expect and hope for a different type of relationship. xx

Communication is key - have you (gently) told him how you feel and asked him how he feels about the situation? I've been married for more than 30 years and our sex life is on rare occasions these days - but we still share a bed and enjoy each other's company. We are best friends and, in my opinion, that is what keeps a relationship together long after the passion has died.

I don’t think your situation is uncommon at all. My marriage is similar and I hear of others where people have been together for decades and it’s settled into a non physical friendship rather than anything else. I don’t think there are rights and wrongs. I think it’s understandable that this happens in some relationships after a number of years, whilst others happen to develop differently. So it depends what you want...and that’s really the issue surely. If you want a different sort of relationship with someone, (or want to live on your own) and you are happy to end this one, then there’s no reason to stay together, and you could leave...and take the chance that you will meet someone else. Or, if you don’t want to to take that chance, or don’t want to lose the friendship you do have, (or think that it’s really other aspects of your life that need changing) then I guess you will want to stay there. These are hard decisions to make and maybe during a pandemic isn’t the best time...unless you know for sure...Some might also say of course, that you could do it all.,,stay there...and have another relationship. Only you can know.

I’m coming up 60 he’s 66. We sleep apart for last 5 years. We both admit there’s no love. We tick along and it’s sometimes tense (mostly me) I started the conversation about what the hell we are doing. We’ve agreed to stay together (in my house) for our own reasons, convenience age etc. It’s about being honest i spose. No sex of course which is ok for some and not others. If I wanted sex or another relative I’d part company. Be honest with yourself and be brave enough to act on it x

I meant relationship not relative hahaha

You should speak to him..for all you know maybe he moved into spare room cause he had felt hurt by you doing that to him occasionally- maybe he thought thats what you wanted? But you dont know, if you didnt/dont talk about it.

Thank you for posting up to date, and all the others who have replied. I thought I was on my own in a similar position after 40 years. Maybe the lockdowns are affecting our lives accentuating things but there are things that happened in the past that I can’t forgive him for.

I definitely think you need a good grown up conversation and to discuss your feelings. It sounds as if you have just slipped into this situation without meaning to and just accepting it. But you don’t have to.

As others have asked - do you want to be on your own? can you cope with more of the same for years to come? What do you want for your future?

I think you need to ask yourself these questions and ask him what he wants and have a good open discussion - you may find that actually he’s only going along with it for your sake, or that he would like to remain separate.

I don’t think I could cope with no affection for years - you are not that old! I loved the fact that early last year my other half dad proposed again to his wife if 68 years telling her how much he loved her. We lost her in December. She slipped away knowing she was loved with him holding her hand. Closeness and love is important for many - how important is it for you?

Sometimes people just forget how to be nice to each other. A smile, remembering to say please and thank you. Little things but all add to one's feeling of self worth and appreciation. There is a technique ( I call it The Stepford Wife routine) and have seen it work amazingly well, particularly with young mothers in relationships. It is based on deliberately not nagging, complimenting one's partner on their thoughtfulness whenever they do small positive things. People love praise and will do more of the good stuff if they get it. Going up a level in personal appearance as you would be doing if you had just met.
I was working with a lovely young mother who worked very hard, kept a lovely home but nagged her partner constantly leading to shouting matches and no 'lightness' in the relationship. I suggested it might be worth trying the Stepford technique for a week to see how it worked out.
The next week she came back and told me that she thought I had really 'lost it' the previous week but decided to give it a go anyway. She also told her friends about it. She could not believe the results, nor could her partner. They had experienced their best week that they could remember in ages. her friend tried it out too. Her husband said " You have not been this nice to me for four years".
It works brilliantly with older people when the children have left home. Just making your partner feel 'special' again when he has sacrificed (and so have you) being no.1 in each other's lives for the pressures of parenthood. These can truly be the best years of your relationship. It does not need to be about sex but more about being there for each other and being best friends.

Maybe we have too high expectations of relationships and therefore miss the real enrichment of the actual good aspects of our being together. This is an interesting and helpful very short video about this - what really matters ?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOn9HVQdOGc

You do sound as though the relationship is making you sad. If I were you I’d sit him down and try to make him talk. What do you want? What does he want? In my experience people are happier when they receive more love from others. For me that means hugs, kisses, hand holding etc. My DH went through a phase where he withdrew all that and I was miserable. We eventually had a marital crisis and luckily things improved. We now hug and kiss etc, and for me that’s all I need. We do have a sex life, which we both enjoy, but I know not everyone needs that. But I do think that as humans we do need physical touch. It might feel awkward at first as you’ve been so distant, but keep trying if he’s willing, and it can become a nice part of your life. Wishing you all the best ??

Snap! except we still sleep together I love the bones off him we spend a lot of time together and although we don't have sex anymore we had a very good time when we was younger ? now we realise sex isn't the be all and end all of our relationship we like spending time together. We are your age and have been together about the same amount time. Personally I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without him.

Morning. We have been married a mere 27 years.

Ask yourself a couple of questions -

Would I be happier living alone and splitting the house and finances?

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Still in the same position? Will you be kicking yourself for wasting 10 years when you could have been free and moved on?

You need to communicate with him, by letter or email if it is easier to voice. Have you got a dog? Get out for walks together. Laugh together.

Sort out the sleeping arrangements if you can and/or put both beds in one room so you are still connecting.

After 27 years we still laugh together, hold hands and cuddle. Sex has taken a back seat due me being unwell but we are still close and making 5 year plans.

Describes my marriage too thought I was the only one we've been married 40 years. He goes out to work I do the household things which is the way its always been.
I feel so alone there used to be the odd hugs occasional sex but thats all stopped since he went back to work after the first lockdown. I miss the affection I have asked him if he wants to split up but he says there's nothing wrong says he loves me guess I'm just not feeling it. Hugs to you all in the same boat x

Uptodate I think so many relationships go through all sorts of peaks and troughs - it’s life really. I battled through this three years ago when my hubby said he just wasn’t interested in sex anymore and I thought what’s the point - I felt like a housekeeper. Things got really bad and we did see a counsellor for a few sessions as he had lots of family stuff going on which wasn’t helping. We sleep in separate rooms as he doesn’t sleep well and snores. I miss that closeness. But we do have sex occasionally - it’s not swinging from the chandeliers but that’s ok. There is a lot to be said for a true companion as we get older. We would struggle to buy two separate dwellings if we weren’t together. It’s easy to imagine a different life - would it actually be better? It would be a brave step to try, I’ve not been brave enough but there is that old sayin ‘be careful what you wish for’. Maybe try and focus on all the plus points of being together. I wish you well.

Howabout a stay at home date night? Takeaways are still available from local businesses - or get a ready meal from the supermarket that you can just heat up in the oven.
Either let him chose a film to watch or a game to play - even if it's just cards!
Many long term marrieds say that every relationship doesn't just happen and you have to work at it, thinking of the other person first.
Worth a shot before you decide to part.

Sounds good to me. If you're tested, heaven forbid, with serious illness for example, I bet you would care for each other out of love. This has happened to me, and I thank God I have someone who may not be perfect, but I know I can rely on.

We are just the same in many ways if that reassures you. My husband is a snorer at top magnitude. He also "runs" round the bed all night, as well as twitching at regular intervals, rather like Chinese torture.

I used to get cross, even sleeping (or trying to sleep) head-to-foot and hanging on to his legs in a vain effort to keep him still, and he used to get cross because so often I would bale out into the guest bedroom. Then, one day we realised this was for the best because we each have a better chance of a good night's sleep. He would sleep better knowing I could sleep, and I could sleep better knowing I wasn't on the wrong end of the disturbance.

Yes, we're plodding, just like you two, but I think this disgusting virus situation, whilst keeping us safe at home (those with brains anyway), also gives more time for introspection and that can be depressing. We're all busy analysing too deeply maybe.

I'm trying to be grown-up about it all but I have severe cabin fever now, after nearly a year at home (my husband cleans ovens so has had to keep working where we can trust the customer). We had major problems with son and DiL over the years (who hasn't!) so I over-think that situation, as well as the virus problem, the fact that we can't see our daughter in N.Z., or the other one in Nottinghamshire who has a 5 year old son and now twin girls. Add in the not sleeping in the same room, generally plodding, and there you have the perfect miserable storm.

If we can ever return to a bit of freedom, I hope there may be brighter things to subdue the dull stuff. Good luck to you.

Have you watch the film Hope Springs with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones ? You might find it interesting.

Wishing you well whatever you decide

This was my relationship a few years ago we’ve been married 46yrs but eventually we had a conversation and things changed. I knew I couldn’t live without at least some affection and it transpired my husband felt the same! So it’s worth trying to talk even if u decide to move on. If u find talking difficult or it causes problems could u write him a letter saying how u feel? Sometimes it’s easier to do that it’s something I’ve done I the past when talking has caused arguments or felt I couldn’t open up.
I hope u manage to sort things out life is too short to be unhappy. Good luck x

This relationship is causing you concern. The most important thing is to decide whether it is actually causing you concern per se, or whether the concern is based on the idea that this is not how things "ought" to be - that it does not conform to what you see as the norm.

Do not forget that during these lockdowns people have been thrown together more than they would normally be and that what has seemed a satisfactory state of affairs is being thrown into the spotlight in an abnormal way.

Friendship and shared memories are to be treasured.

I think as we get older we hanker after what we had and mourn our happy times. We have to find a level of acceptance if we can
I am in a similar situation -for medical reasons ( and snoring!) we have had separate rooms and no sex for years ( which is the very opposite of how we were!)
The lack of affection bothers me sometimes but we jog along side by side accepting we like our own space - whether bedrooms or different tv choices in separate rooms! We are increasingly irritable at each others habits so it’s best! Often thought “that’s it I am off “but to where and to what - pros and cons get weighed up and it’s not like someone is going to sweep me off my feet plus financial impact , family fall outs -Also after all this lockdown time I think we have done pretty well and I realise blessings have to be counted in comparison with other people
So if you can do the plus and minus list of life with your husband and then the same for a life on your own — men are really quite simple in their needs and he’s clearly quite content - it’s us women who question and analyse our emotions far more

It probably depends on your relationship generally. Do you go out on day trips together ? ( pre virus )
Do you enjoy his company , sit together and watch tv , enjoy discussing topics etc ?
If not then decide if you are more lonely together than you would be apart.
How are your finances , can you afford to make those changes ?

My other half doesn’t talk openly yet he’s a chatter box to everyone else
But when it comes to emotional stuff itslike prizing open a very closed shell and not always successful

Message withdrawn at poster's request.