Breakdown in relationship with daughter

The OP didn't demand an apology through her brother Whatdayisit, she posted that her brother asked her D to apologise.

Dibbydodd I'm sorry to read that you are being treated so badly by your D. It's a terrible shock when our own children behave so cruelly.

I agree Tea3 and Whatdayisit and how a situation is handled can greatly affect the outcome. It would be tragic if this situation were to escalate and IMO whether she likes it or not, it's the OP's D who should be apologising and shouldn't need to be told so.

I think your daughter is just feeling overwhelmed at the loss of her champion and it is coming out in anger directed at you. I don't think it would have helped your brother having a word because it would seem to her that you were ganging up against her. Of course, it is quite normal for you to be upset too as it was your mother. If you had looked after whilst she had dementia, I suspect you had a sense of relief too that she was no longer suffering but also it was lifting a burden from you too. I expect that you also have lost a big part of your life because caring for someone for such a long time also gives you a sense of purpose. She might sense any relief and feel angry about that but doesn't know how to verbalise it.
I might be completely wrong but I know that is how I felt when my Grandad died in similar circumstances. I also felt very angry too at times. My mother and aunt, having side stepped caring for him, suddenly took over arranging the funeral and I was shoved aside so I was doubly angry. I am amazed my relationships with them survived!
I think if it were me, I would send a card to my daughter telling her how much I loved her and had had no intention of upsetting her. Perhaps give her the chance to say how she would have liked to have been included because it is important to you that you learn from this. Let her know you don't want to fall out with her and will always be there when she is ready to communicate again.
I hope you get things sorted out, it must be really hard for you.

Write her a short note, saying that you are sorry that she is obviously cross with you and hurt, but you honestly do not know what she thinks you have down wrong,

Mention that you are willing to listen, but only if both you and she can talk calmly about it.

If she phones and is hysterical or abusive, simply put the phone down again.

The only other thing is to give her time.

It seems to me that a lot of adult children are behaving extremely selfishly and badly in the face of bereavement these days. There is not a lot you can do about it,

Give yourself time to grieve for your mother and let your daughter stew in her own juice would be the way I would tackle it if I were in your place.

Sincere condolences at the loss of your Mum

In addition to your loss you write about a very sad situation, a sad situation for you and for all those who are grieving the loss of you Mum.

As has already been said it "seems as if" your DD is having a tantrum.

From what you have said she is having an emotional outburst and you are A recipient of hurtful and unwelcome behaviour.

You may not be the only person she is treated this way.

Although when you are the one on the receiving end of this behaviour It Is Only Happening to You at that time.

Her behaviour hurts you, feels unjust and you expect more care and consideration from your Child than she is giving you at this time.

Not unreasonable to expect care and consideration and at the same time your expectations may be unreasonable.

You are both hurting.

Other have said grief takes many forms and the emotional hit from the articulated lorry of pain and loss that knocked you and your family sideways takes time to manage. So allow Time.

Time for both of you (all of you) to reestablish some sort of balance with-in yourselves.

Do not put a time limit on this process, grief has a time frame all of it's own and is different for us all.

Firstly finding any kind of balance/normality at this time is exceedingly difficult, work at accepting these real difficulties and then find a way to be Kind.

Be Kind to yourself.

Then find a way to show Love, Compassion and Strength to your family.

You are very probably feeling empty and lost right now and don't think you can find anything to Give - you are a Mum - you can do this.

Ask yourself what other stressors and anxiety is your DD dealing with in addition to the loss of your Mum/her grandmother ?

What other stressors and anxiety are you, your brother and other family members dealing with that also take make this painful time harder to deal with ?

Getting an understanding on "the other stuff" often helps towards a calmer understanding.

It would be lovely if you got that consideration too but be very careful about expecting the understanding of others,

You said you "needed your children now" it's a hard thing to say but your children need their Parent now - that's you.

Sadly in your own pain and loss you are still Their (Her) Parent.

Even though you are The Child who has lost her Parent.

The support you need (it is OK for you to have support) you need to find from friends and or a counsellor. Some one has already suggested Cruse, good suggestion.

Find someone who is not grieving for you Mum to provide support to you.

As for you DD behaviour ? It isn't a time to demand changes from her nor is it a time for you to take this behaviour from her.

Finding the balance between not expecting caring behaviour and not accepting destructive is never easy so I wish you all the luck you need in finding that balance.

If you want a relationship with her after the worst of the pain and grief has passed STOP asking, expecting, getting others to ask her for an Apology.

TIME.

This is not the TIME.

May be in the future but not now.

I hope you find a way to get some support for yourself and that your DD finds a way to get some support too.

Grief is hard on everyone and in families we often hit the different phases of grief at different times and that is an additional burden on relationships.

I hope you find a way through this pain and that you and your DD have a relationship without anger and rebellion at some point in the future.

Wishing you the best possible outcome in this very sad situation.

Either way let your daughter know somehow that you are sorry she was hurt, it was never intended, that you are grieving too and that you would love to hear from her when she feels able to discuss things without upset on either side because you are human and she is loved. It's all you can do to be fair to her and yourself

Good advice. At the same time, I do not think that you should "beat yourself up" in any way at all! Grief is not an excuse to behave so thoughtlessly however angry or upset you are and I speak as someone with a daughter who has suffered unimaginable grief in a very traumatic situation. A few times where she would snap at me unfairly, but even in all that pain, quite capable of seeing how unfair that was and apologising. Yes anger can be taken out on the people closest to you. That doesn't make it right.

Condolences at your loss.

I am so sorry for your sad loss and the grief you and your daughter are experiencing. Unfortunately, we always seem to vent our anger & upset on those who we love and who, we hope, will continue to love us in spite of it.

Take a deep breath and recognse that it is only because you love her and still continue to love your daughter, that she has the confidence to rage at you. It is so much better than taking it out on partners or children as so many, especially men. do. Grief and misery are difficult to articulate and the adrenalin stress so easily turns to rage.

It may seem odd, but please try to see through the hurt and let the grief settle down without rancour.

Just go on loving. ,

Allow your daughter all her feelings and yourself yours. What you do about them is different. Respond to her with reasonableness however unreasonable you feel she is being to you. Trying to persuade (your brother) anyone to apologise is useless as it can never come from the heart that way - and the best 'apologies' are that ones that are not voiced, but, over time you see clear efforts to behave in a different way. Allow people their dignity, apologising can feel just too undignified for some people. You can tell your daughter you are sorry she is upset about (whatever it is that she is upset about) but that is not the same as you taking responsibility for her upset. You can reiterate that you did what you thought was right at the time and you really want to move forward with a mood of love and support. Find ways you can practically support each other, agree to discuss plans in future and to be honest about your feelings. Leave the past behind, it can't be undone - acknowledge it but then leave it.

Give her time - she is grieving and copes by being angry.

I'd leave it for a couple of weeks and then try a tentative phone call or text. Sometimes people need time to process things.

She ought not to have spoken to you as she did and may well realise this.

I hope the situation gets resolved.

You sound like a wonderful person,looking after your Mum etc.Children ,of any age,can be thoughtless and she probably only sees her point of view.Obviously you don’t want to fall out with your daughter could you phone/ write and say “Is there anything of Grandma’s you would really like?” It would be a good way to start conversing again,you have to be the better person,even in this stressful situation,otherwise it will fester——- good luck,things will get better,talk to your friends,and treat yourself kindly you have handled everything very well,good luck.

I would either send her an email or write her a letter and post to her to Gently say "It was in the first instance, indeed my OWN mother who I have now lost and has now gone. Please let me grieve, and know that it was also your Grandmother". As my own daughter was the first grandchild for my parents, and I sadly lost my own mother 2 years ago, after the last 18 months of her life being hard on us all with the dementia but mainly though for my father visiting her daily in the care home. And just say that you are Deeply Saddened by her behaviour knowing that it was also her Grandmother and that you daughter was her first grandchild, and that she will be missed by you BOTH.

Sometimes it’s easier to channel grief into anger with nearest and dearest

Thank you all very much for all you replies ,I will take bits from them all and let her have time to grieve I did not ask my brother to get her to apologise aa someone pointed out I would never do that my brother did that himself also I asked my daughter if she wanted to write a piece about her nan and was there any songs she wanted included I put a photo of her
with my mum on the order of service sheets I tried everything to include her but as I have said it was very difficult with distancing due to covid and her working full time I had to press on with arrangements ,I hope we will be able to reconcile when she feels able I love her very much and all this upset is really upsetting me besides grieving for my mum.xxthanks again for listening and all your help.??

Hollie so awful having to cope with losing your mom and your daughter behaving as she has. There has been good advise given on here, please look after yourself and give it time. I am not close to my daughter and have had to reconcile myself that I never will be, but that doesn't seem the case with you and your daughter, she could be feeling a bit guilty who knows what she's thinking, she knows however, you were brilliant with your mother and test you live her very much. You sound such a caring person and you need an arm round you.