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Friends with our childrens friends

(47 Posts)
GagaJo Mon 08-Feb-21 18:48:09

I have many friends who were originally friends of my DD. I have known some of them for most of my DD's life. DD is no longer in touch with these people, but I chat with them via social media.

Is this weird or OK? DD isn't bothered, with most of them. She disapproves with those she fell out with, ending the friendship.

Lolo81 Mon 08-Feb-21 19:08:13

IMO it depends on why your daughter is no longer friends with them. If it’s the normal life goes on and people lose touch then I’d be fine with my mum still being in contact. If it were something more serious then I’d probably feel a bit weird about it.
In an ideal world adults should be able to be friends with whoever they see fit, unfortunately emotions aren’t logical, so maybe don’t fit neatly into this ideal.
In your shoes I’d be inclined to question if the value this friend brings to your life is more important than any potential hurt feelings from DD? If they are important to you, keep it separate and don’t include any discussion of DD and her life with them. If they are not then let life take its course, continue being civil, but don’t seek them out.

Galaxy Mon 08-Feb-21 19:21:05

I am trying to think what I would feel about that in your daughters shoes. It makes no sense for you not to be friends with them but I suspect it might niggle me. But that would be my problem I guess.

SueDonim Mon 08-Feb-21 19:24:41

I’m FB friends with a very select few of my oldest’s friends from school days. Most of them practically lived in our house anyway, so they’re surrogate children. grin

Otherwise, I’m not really interested in being friends with my children’s friends.

Doodledog Mon 08-Feb-21 19:44:19

I have a (very) few of my children's friends on FB, but other than wishing them happy birthday, or 'liking' posts when they have had good life events happen, I don't really engage. Much as when they were all teenagers and dropping in/staying over here - I would say hello, chat for a couple of minutes then leave them to it.

I pretend not to notice a lot grin. My mum is a FB friend too, and it can be embarrassing when she makes comments to my friends as though we are in our teens not our 60s.

paddyanne Mon 08-Feb-21 19:48:38

We're friends with a lot of our childrens friends ..not just on FB .My OH spends (or did)a lot of time with my sons friends as they are all into cars and he has done a lot of motor sport over the past 40 years .My daughters friends always invite me to nights out ...and her dad if men are included.To be honest we feel we have more in common with that age group than with some folk our own age .

BlueBelle Mon 08-Feb-21 20:05:01

No I would feel I was invading their territory
I certainly wouldn’t have been that happy if my parents had become friends with mine after I d moved on they were friendly and welcoming if they met them but they wouldn t have been friends as such
I would speak to my adult children’s friends if we met in the street or anywhere but no I wouldn’t have them on social media

EllanVannin Mon 08-Feb-21 20:22:02

I've always been friendly toward my family's friends, including GC's friends but would never have a full-blown friendship with any of them. They all give me a kiss when they see me too----when it was permissible of course.

kittylester Mon 08-Feb-21 20:51:52

I'm friends with a few of my children's friends but only if they have asked me and I don't comment much much. I have a few of my own friends who are similar ages to my children.

Chewbacca Mon 08-Feb-21 20:53:56

I agree with BlueBelle; it's almost an invasion of your daughter's space, especially if she broke off the friendship for a specific reason. Whilst I'm friendly towards my DC's friends and always pleased to see them, I'd find it a weird dynamic to have them as my friends when, for some reason or other, their friendship with my DC had been terminated. I can imagine they would feel awkward about it too. Wouldn't it be better to have your own, independent friendship circle, that didn't involve your daughter GagaJo; giving her a bit of space for herself?

Hetty58 Mon 08-Feb-21 21:04:16

I don't think I'd have much in common with the younger generation.

There's a big difference between being friendly - and actually being friends. You see friends, invite them round, share your life and go out with them (normally) whereas people you chat with online are just acquaintances. Being Facebook 'friends' means nothing.

Mollygo Mon 08-Feb-21 21:23:23

Just a couple-and they are because I used to work with them whilst my daughter was friends with them. We exchange messages on FB and prior to Covid we’d (my daughter and I) meet up with them for coffee from time.

GagaJo Mon 08-Feb-21 22:00:43

Of course I do have my own friends too. And my daughter has, in turn, become friends with some of my friends.

If I was in the area my DD's friends and ex friends live in (we moved away) I would have coffee / visit them. I have 'history' with the ones I have stayed friendly with. From doing things for them when they were teenagers, going to their weddings, meeting their new babies, looking after pets etc. It isn't just DD's friends who happened to come by the house occasionally as teenagers.

Chewbacca Mon 08-Feb-21 22:08:39

Ok then but you asked for opinions.........

nanna8 Mon 08-Feb-21 22:22:14

I haven’t been in touch with any of my children’s’ friends but I don’t really see why you shouldn’t. Sometimes I get suggestions to befriend them on Facebook but I don’t because I don’t really know them except from a long time ago.

Chewbacca Mon 08-Feb-21 22:34:22

Big difference between Facebook friends and real life friends.

GagaJo Tue 09-Feb-21 06:30:29

I am open to opinions. The only reason I don't see them though, like my friends from down south, is because I don't live there anymore.

Humbertbear Tue 09-Feb-21 07:44:33

I follow several of my son’s friends on FB. I have known them for 35 years and enjoy watching their children grow. They accepted my friend’s request so I assume they are happy with the arrangement. My daughter lives at home and several of her friends have become my friends too - but she has also been known to go out with my friends.

Calendargirl Tue 09-Feb-21 07:58:24

Cannot imagine being ‘friends’ with my children’s friends,

If I meet them in the street, will say hello, but they will think ‘Oh that’s Mrs. Calendar, so and so’s mum. Crikey, she looks old now!’

Doodledog Tue 09-Feb-21 08:47:55

I would never send a friend request to my children’s friends. If they ask me, I accept, but don’t overstep my role as my children’s mum, if that makes sense. Obviously they can see my posts, and sometimes comments - usually with an ‘I remember that’, or to wish me happy birthday or something. I admire their babies and congratulate them on new jobs etc.

As in real life, there are Facebook friends and Facebook acquaintances, and I hope I stay on the right side of that divide.

TerriBull Tue 09-Feb-21 09:15:29

One of our son's friends who we've known since they were in infants, is someone we are in very regular touch with. Growing up we often took him away with us to places like Center Parks, his father was never in his life. As an adult he has taken up golf and has been out on the golf course with my husband on several occasions, I think my husband has always been a bit of a dad figure in his life. He is probably the friend from the kids school days we are closest to, there have been others. This friend has grown up to be a very nice young man, the relationship changes in adulthood just as it does with one's own children.

I remember when I was growing up I spent a lot of time with at one particular friend's house, many of us did, her Irish parents were amazingly relaxed and kept an open house for their children's friends, it was very close to our town, and was a place where we congregated, they were incredibly tolerant about having lots of kids in the house. I was at her home as often as I was at my own, often stayed over. As we transitioned into adult hood, they asked us to use their Christian names. Mr and Mrs was the normal way of addressing friends' parents when I was growing up. At first that seemed quite impertinent. Lack of formality with children's friends was still a generation or so away, our children's friends called us by our first names right from babyhood.

We are not on FB, so contact with children's friends was pretty much on the basis of our children bringing them round to our house, or us bumping into them.

We've moved away now, but have told our son's golfing friend he will always be welcome in our new house once restrictions are lifted.

GagaJo Tue 09-Feb-21 09:19:30

That is similar for me with one of the friends Terribull. Without giving too much away (because someone on here knows her!) I helped one friend out a lot as a teenager when she was in a dire and extreme situation. A bit like our own children, I know her warts and all.

kircubbin2000 Tue 09-Feb-21 09:29:58

Daughters bubbly friend is friends with everyone but I only contact her if there is a problem. She sends me all her news.
I've off loaded 2 of my friends to son as he is much more interested in keeping in touch with them.

Iam64 Tue 09-Feb-21 09:48:26

The key point for me is the comment that your daughter disapproves of those she fell out with. Unless you disagree with your daughter, it seems odd to maintain a friendship that may make your daughter feel excluded.
I’m Facebook friends with women in their mid 30’s who used to sleep here, holiday with us. I accepted friend requests and ‘like’ their pics of their babies

TerriBull Tue 09-Feb-21 10:16:39

Yes we know this friend well, GagaJo, in spite of having difficulties in his childhood, epilepsy being one. His mother came round to see us the first time he came away with us to tell us that and didn't like other children knowing about it, although my son did, but he trusted him not to bring it up with other friends. We always took friend aside every day whilst he was away with us to quietly remind him to take his medication. He was absolutely no trouble, always has been easy to be with, more so than my older son, his friend, who has an up and down temperament and at times has been challenging. My son is also close to friend's mother who was very kind to him when one of his relationships broke up.

I know from my own growing up years that friendships with friends' parents can be rewarding.