He feels nothing for me

I stayed in a loveless marriage for too long.......leave ASAP

I have to decide whether it's ethical to ask him to contribute towards my housing so I can move out. I'm just trying to be fair minded. On the one hand, I've invested myself in him for many years, made sacrifices and expected the outcome to be a comfortable secure retirement, when that time comes. Now I am feeling let down that because his feelings have changed, this will affect my life significantly. On the other hand, it could be me who caused his feelings to change and therefore I get what I deserve and should leave without expecting anything. The funny thing is that wjej I was, cracking in the past about the lack of coupledom, and asked if he, wanted me anymore, he couldn't talk about it but suggested if I wanted to leave, it would ease his guilt if he paid me some money. Whereas in this most recent conversation he just says he doesn't want a relationship but wants me to stay as company. As I don't want to live without love and can't bear this for much longer, I thought I should go for my sanity. Which way would you go with housing costs?

Joyfulnanna
It is not unusual to ask for alimony when a marriage doesnt work out

Make sure you talk to a lawyer to get what is fair for you. Ethical is not the right word

Joyfulnana, you seem to imply you are not married. If that is so, you don’t have much claim on money that is in his name from a legal point of view, but if you and he have been living together in the same house for a long time, you may have rights in that. If you and he are able to have a mature and reasonable discussion about this, you may be able to agree a division of assets that you agree is fair.

If you are married, you have specific rights to a share of your joint assets, which will be assessed when you divorce.

I’d encourage you to contact Citizens’ Advice or a solicitor to clarify what your rights are.

Thanks girls. I'm thinking whether it's morally right to ask for a lump sum, because his feelings have changed, as a form of compensation for what I'm going to lose.

I'm afraid you can't put a price on what could be a potential loss, but you have to look at what you both came into the relationship with, and what your assets are valued at now.
If you lived in his home and contributed to it's upkeep, you should have some compensation.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it looks like it is best to move forward with planning on leaving.

You say he's probably depressed, so is it possible his non feelings for you are because he feels so negative about his life? Can you try to coax him to talk, to see if there's a possibility of solving the problem?

25 years is a long time to be together and you must know him well enough to know whether it's down to his depression, or he genuinely wants the relationship to end.

Are there any signs of someone else he could be involved with?

Sorry you are in this position. He doesn't love you and life is too short to feel unhappy. If you are married you are entitled to half of everything you contributed to your home, unless of course you moved into a home he already owned. Why are you asking for what you have lost. Have you children together that prevented you from working for some years? If you already had a home which you gave up and put your money in with his, you should get that proportion back. You would need a solicitor.,You don't get compensation for living with someone it's down to what your contribution was.

A lump sum because his feelings have changed? I feel that would be somewhat ridiculous.
If you are married you are protected legally.
If not you will just have to hope he does the decent thing and helps you financially. If you take him to court only the lawyers win.

If you have been living together as man and wife then I think that morally you are entitled to the same ‘split’ of the marital home, contents and money, as you would if you were married.
Legally of course you will have to negotiate, as he is the one who wants you to leave then I think you should be able to come to an amicable settlement. (Including any pension rights on both sides).
Hope it all works out for you.

There is another thread about being taken for granted and lack of affection, in that case confronting the other half and asking for changes is producing results.

Men think they have to be the strong silent type without emotions, it’s time to say you want more, after 25 yrs he does love you and won’t admit it. You need to be convincing and have a plan B, so tell him straight what will happen if he doesn’t change.

My ex told me the same thing, also at 25 years very happy marriage. I was devastated when he left. I picked myself up, took a good, very hard look at my life and accepted a lot of things had changed almost imperceptibly. I was mid-sixties. Ive rebuilt my life and now am so much happier than I thought I was when I was married. You have not failed, life changes and nothing lasts forever. Good luck. Be happy.

So in effect you are his "housekeeper?" Life on your own might be a challenge at first but the eventual peace of mind after everything is dealt with will be uplifting. We only have one life ... Kick this loveless arrangement into touch.

Beware of acting hastily if you feel he may be suffering from depression. You could ask him if he loves anyone at the moment- siblings, children, parents. He may have blunted emotions because of depression.He may be wondering what does love mean? It is not necessarily a warm glow when you think of that person. It means commitment. Encourage him to seek help if you feel he is depressed. Wishing you well.

You obviously do not want to stay with him as he is now.

Quite understandably, in my book, but would you want to stay if things returned to how they were formerly?

If not, go.

I do not know what you mean by investing in a man and making sacrifices in the hope of a secure retirement. To me that sounds like a marriage of convenience, rather than one built on love or affection.

Whatever the basis you formed the relationship on, and he agreed to, I cannot see you are entitled to ask him to contribute to your expenses, once you leave him.

Anything you own is yours to take with you and half of the house or flat you live in is yours if the property is in both your names.

Is he happy to continue living with you even although he says he no longer loves you?

I would not be able to stay, if my husband seriously said that to me, I would feel sick and angry.

You say he may be depressed. Unless you know he is and that he will do something about it, I honestly do not see that you need to take it into consideration.

Find out how you will be placed as a single woman and act upon these facts.

If you intend to stay, I suggest that you make it clear to him that you will only do so, if the pair of you can sort out whatever has gone wrong to make him say he neither loves nor desires you.

I am attractive and outgoing and would be able to form another relationship

Is this the secret to your indecision? You are afraid of being on your own and cannot imagine a life that does not include a man. Apart from making you disinclined to leave. It is also limiting your life once you go.

There is a lot to be said for being on your own and independent and you might find that was actually your best way forward.

He wants to keep the status quo and wants me to stay with him, but with no love or intimacy. He's always been a bit shy. I am the opposite. He says lots of people in their later years live together like this and cites members of his family simply rubbing along day to day. Its awful when someone you've spent so many years expecting to enjoy a fulfilling life with no money issues. I am aware that many men are emotionally unintelligent, stiff upper lip and all that. I thought I might do as one lovely GN suggested and give discuss what changes I would like to see if I stayed or am I grasping at straws and being unrealistic? I would welcome more advice please. X

Joyfulnanna,

First, let's stop making excuses for men being emotionally unable to express their feelings, etc
Again, another example of double standards. You are also excusing and justifying his behaviour

It is time to put you first and do what is best for you. In your case, I would go to therapy to learn to do that.

If you choose to stay, you forfeit your right to mean, complain, light heartedly mention your unhappiness, as you are choosing this.

Again, go to therapy. Get back the self esteem to know you deserve better.

If you stay, he is going to eventually find someone else, cheat on you or leave you

It sounds to me that rubbing along together may be right for him but not for you Joyfulnanna. If you are able you could try living apart for a time. I think you would find this preferable to living in the way you are now.
Living alone gives you the freedom to discover what you want and what you don't want.

as others has said, he sounds depressed. which is a nightmare to live with

But if he doesn't want help the only way I out that I can see is the door.

But would that make his depression worse?

An awful conundrum for you

I recently went through all this for very much the same reasons, he would not / could not change, I arranged mediation and he did not turn up, so I divorced him.

I was 60, did not see myself as attractive so was prepared to go solo, then met a man who I really get on with, so it all worked out better than expected.

All I can say is be serious, let him know what you want, give him every chance to change his ways, if not then leave.

Good luck

Joyfulnanna, relationships often run their course - then die. It's not your job to fix his problems, so just leave. There's no point staying in a loveless state.

Why not wait until lockdown eases and see whether change can be made.

Many of us are feeling low and depressed and helpless and hopeless during this long, never ending lockdown. Once things improve, your relationship may also improve. It seems a shame to ditch such a long relationship because both of you are struggling with the current, quite exceptional circumstances.

If you stay & he were to fall chronically ill, how would you feel about being trapped as a carer for him? It would be an even bigger moral dilemma for you then. You could be years and years running around after this husband/partner who has no love for you. What a waste of your life. Good luck with that possibility!

You need a time frame to organise to leave if he’s not prepared to change. Ask him what he thinks he needs from you. Tell him what you need from him then set the time frame. Possibly when lockdown allows you to change circumstances. ?