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He feels nothing for me

(80 Posts)
Joyfulnanna Thu 18-Feb-21 11:44:36

My man admitted that he has no feelings of love for me and feels awkward being intimate, even giving me a hug. I don't want to live for the rest of my life with someone who won't even hold me. He is probably depressed but won't seek help. Lots going on but nothing that can't be resolved with a bit of effort. Been together over 25 years and obviously built a life together, but what is life without love? Have to decide whether I can stomach this in the future, I'm keeping my head down during LD and wracking my brain whether I should move on soon. I am attractive and outgoing and would be able to form another relationship but I can't help feeling like a failure and wanting to find a solution. It's awful having these conflicting feelings.. Any advice welcomed x

Grandmabatty Thu 18-Feb-21 12:10:33


TwiceAsNice Thu 18-Feb-21 12:12:24

Leave you only have one life. I left after 42 years and have never been happier even in lockdown

timetogo2016 Thu 18-Feb-21 12:13:47

You deserve to be happy Joyfulnanna.
Walk away and be happy i did after 30 odd years and have NEVER look back.

Grandmabatty Thu 18-Feb-21 12:22:09

I apologise for my one word answer. Here's the rest. He is telling you who he is and will not or does not want to change. You are making excuses and want to work on a relationship that no longer exists. It isn't your job to fix someone who may be depressed. Speak to a lawyer and sort out financial information particularly if you own your home. Stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Make it clear you are now living separately. I repeat. You cannot fix what he doesn't want to fix. I know as I have been where you are.

Luckygirl Thu 18-Feb-21 12:30:09

If he is clinically depressed then this needs addressing - you do not feel love for anything or anybody when you are in this state. It is utterly miserable.

Do you feel any love for him?

cornishpatsy Thu 18-Feb-21 12:32:12

It is a sad situation, however no body can help how they feel.
He has been honest about his feelings in that he does not love you, I am sure it would be easier for him if he did.

There is nothing to work on unless you can live together separately in harmony, difficult but possible.

You need a plan as to living together or apart, once that is sorted you can plan a life for yourself.

I understand this must be very sad for you, try not to become angry and bitter, remember we cannot control who we love.

Luckygirl Thu 18-Feb-21 12:35:38

To expand a bit - when you are clinically depressed you feel little; just a sense of despair and the pointlessness of life. It is a pit that it is very difficult to crawl out of single-handed. If this truly is his problem, then he does need to get help - but I do not underestimate how hard it might be to get him to do that. I have been in a situation of having to try and persuade someone that help was needed and it was an uphill struggle.

If he were to be better might you wish to stay? If so, you could talk with him about the need for him to get help for his depression and explain that if he does not you are clear that you do not wish to carry on the relationship as things stand.

If, better or not, you do not wish to continue with this, then you need to begin sorting it all out.

Whichever way this goes I send you good wishes and wish you luck.

sodapop Thu 18-Feb-21 12:52:33

Can't add any more to Luckygirl's post. I wish you well joyfulnanna

geekesse Thu 18-Feb-21 12:57:47

I never cease to be struck by what people will put up with to remain part of a couple. After 15 years of being divorced, I can say with absolute confidence that living alone is peaceful, happy and far preferable to being unhappily paired up. Untangling financial and social affairs was a bit tiresome, but there’s nothing I miss about being married except having someone else to unload the dishwasher. I have plenty of love in my life now, from family and friends, and I am free to have gentleman callers if I wish.

If your partner is depressed, that is one problem that needs addressing, but no amount of effort, counselling or medication can make some who doesn’t love you love you. Perhaps your relationship has run its course. If so, there’s no compulsion to stay in it.

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 18-Feb-21 13:18:36

I’m with geekesse even with severe depression you still know who you love and who you don’t.
I’m sorry but If he doesn’t love you then you really have no choice but to walk away.

3nanny6 Thu 18-Feb-21 14:00:31

Your man has told you he has no feelings of love for you, and he feels awkward being intimate with you and even a hug overwhelms him.
You then say there is lots going on but nothing that cannot be resolved with a bit of effort.
Are you trying to say that he can change and recover to have feelings for you.?
As upsetting as it must all be for you, this man has laid his cards on the table. If you want more in your life and someone to appreciate you then start thinking about moving on with the possibility of meeting someone else.

Bridgeit Thu 18-Feb-21 14:08:32

How can you be a failure ? it is not supposed to be an endurance test.
Try changing the perspective that you are currently viewing your situation from.
The ‘ Solution’ is looking you in the face, go for it & be happy or at the very least happier, best wishes

Esspee Thu 18-Feb-21 14:26:02

I hope you have the courage to leave and start a new life.

BlueBelle Thu 18-Feb-21 14:34:25

I think you actually owe to BOTH of you to move on he can’t put it any clearer than he has, knowing that you would probably go when he told you
Has this always been the way or has it only just happened ? I suppose if it’s a very recent thing and he wants to work though it, you could have a go but it doesn’t feel as if it’s a shock to you so I m guessing it’s been a long time coming

Joyfulnanna Thu 18-Feb-21 14:34:56

Thank you so much for your advice girls. It's so much clearer that it's the right thing to leave. It will be very painful even if amicable. I do think our relationship has deteriorated because I grew up!

paddyanne Thu 18-Feb-21 14:40:04

What happened to in sickness and in health...if he's depressed he wont like himself never mind love anyone else.If you cant be with him when he needs help then try to get someone who will help him.And we wonder why so many men are suicidal nowadays ! Do you only want him when he's a happy chappy treating you like a goddess or does love mean being there for him when he doesn't know its what might get him through a tough time

BlueBelle Thu 18-Feb-21 14:49:10

Oh come on paddyann someone tells you they don’t love you, they don’t want to be with you and don’t want to be intimate with you and you say carry on regardless All the poster says is she supposed he might be depressed she didn’t mention anything about diagnosed depression or suicidal thoughts you ve totally have run away with the original posters ‘maybes’

Tangerine Thu 18-Feb-21 16:07:11

I agree with what most posters have said. The relationship appears to be finished. Leaving him may well be the best idea.

Paddyanne has a point. If he is genuinely ill with depression, is this causing him to think he doesn't love you?

Does he treat you well normally?

Maybe you've already done this but is it possible to ask for a calm and honest discussion with him?

AGAA4 Thu 18-Feb-21 16:21:47

Is he really depressed or just down like many are at the moment? Living with someone you don't love can cause depression in itself.
You deserve a better life than this. Being alone is much better than being unhappy.

GillT57 Thu 18-Feb-21 16:24:05

Just get things sorted and move on, this man has been decent enough to tell you it is over, don't make it worse for both of you. Perhaps you may retrieve a friendship from the ashes of the relationship once he no longer has to pretend. If it was the other way around, and you felt as your partner does, then you would leave, move on. Do you really want to be forever thinking that someone is only with you out of sympathy or guilt? Sadly, your relationship sounds as if it is over. flowers

Smileless2012 Thu 18-Feb-21 17:08:29

Luckygirl has raised an important point Joyfulnanna that he maybe clinically depressed as that impacts on the closest and most personal of relationships.

You need to think carefully as to whether or not you'd be happy with him if he is suffering from depression, and that were to be managed so he could feel and express his love for you.

If you decide that this is no longer a relationship you want, there's no shame in that and no reason for you to feel that you've failed. We all change as we get older; for some those changes bring them closer together but for others, those changes drive them apart.

Hithere Thu 18-Feb-21 17:32:31

When a door closes, a window opens.

Galaxy Thu 18-Feb-21 17:35:52

I think in sickness and in health is something that should be looked at as to whether it has a place in modern society. I find it an awful thing to ask of anyone. Staying with someone just because they are ill is horrendous.

Redhead56 Thu 18-Feb-21 17:37:36

I would be very depressed listening to someone so negative depressed or not he knows what he is saying. Don’t be looking at yourself for fault you still have spring in your step get moving and best wishes.