Lockdown was a good excuse not to meet up with my sister.

Don't meet up with anyone who brings you down, related or not.
The fact she was shouting at your mother's funeral would have been the last straw for me. Where was her respect?
I wouldn't ring or text, just enjoy a quiet life.
Sorry if that sounds brutal.

Both my sisters were very unkind to me when our Dad died and our Mum died a year later. It’s a long story but they were very unpleasant to the extent that I became very ill. My doctor advised me to cut contact with them until their behaviour improved. She likened their impact on my health to cancer. “You wouldn’t put up with cancer out of misplaced loyalty, would you?”So I cut them out of my life and I think we’ve all been happier that way.

Why do you feel obliged to meet her especially as she has been so unkind to you. Surely her family should step up if need be. Something in that saying about not choosing family etc. Just continue with a phone call.

Santana I had a toxic relationship with my sister over the handling of my mother's financial affairs prior to and after her death. My sister had got herself into severe financial difficulties and basically tried to blackmail me. Despite all the financial management being scrupulously managed by my accountant. I was also in the middle of my divorce, so a very difficult time emotionally. With the support of my son, my then ex-husband and my accountant we faced her down and surprise surprise she backed down completely. We now have an amicable, friendly relationship. You do not have to get back in touch more than you do now.

You mention an older sister. Is she the eldest of the 3 of you, which would mean this sister is a middle child which, although not an excuse, could account towards her behaviour through the years.

I can only think of one good reason why you should visit this sister when visiting becomes possible again.

That is, if it will ruin your relationship with your other sister, if you stay away from the one you have told us about.

It isn't always possible to love or even like family members, you know.

In your place, I do not think I would want to see this woman either.

I fell out with my older sister when our mother was hospitalised then died. She was awful and left me to do most of the work but could turn the waterworks on for anyone willing to give her time and sympathy. For my other siblings sake I tried to keep a relationship but realised it was a lost cause so gave up. I actually don't miss her at all. Our paths have crossed a couple times at family gatherings and I am polite, say hello as I would with any other guest but she has never made the first move and my siblings have realised this. I do not feel obligated as she is an adult and can look after herself and if I hadn't tried in the beginning we would have gone our separate ways sooner. As someone else posted blood doesn't always keep you close. I have better, more caring friends and I realised I did not need her negativity in my life. Stop feeling that you have to make contact, don't and just see if she makes the effort.

I haven’t spoken to my only sibling for over 10 years, and I can’t say that I miss her. We never got on as children and after our parents died I did not feel the need to continue a relationship with a person I would not choose as a friend.
You should do what makes you happy, and try to please someone who is unpleaseable x

Just because you are family doesn’t mean you have to get on. Don’t feel guilty about it - it’s true that you can choose your friends but not your family. My 2 sisters never got on with each other - I loved them both. When my eldest sister died I became closer to my other sister.

It seems as if you are the one keeping up contact with your sister so perhaps she would be relieved if you stopped doing so?
I don't have any contact with my sister since our Mother died and I feel so much better for it.

Coconut
You describe a situation very similar to mine. It's good although that's probably not the right word to read that other people struggle with family relationships. I often wonder why there is so much unkindness towards me.

I’ve suffered too many verbal assaults from my older sister and, for the sake of my mental health, we have no contact at all. I don’t feel guilty and, frankly, I don’t care. There is only so much you can put up with in the family situation.

I’m one of ten siblings in my ‘family.’

However....

One passed when I was 13 (in 1980) So sad. I do miss him and think about him often.

One passed in 2013. Hadn’t seen or spoken to him since 2010. No big deal. Didn’t attend the funeral.

I found out a few weeks ago (on a random post in a local group on Facebook) that my eldest sister died. Hadn’t seen or spoken to her since I was 8 years old. I’m 54 now. Didn’t really know her.

The others I haven’t seen or spoken to since 2010 and 2013 respectively. They are toxic in my life and after my Mum passed in 2010 I kept as far away as possible. Funnily enough they all used to fight but have grouped together and now I’m the black sheep of the family. Which is great - I love it! No idiots to have to worry about anymore. I don’t know if they’re dead or alive - nor do I care.

I walked away when the time was right for ME. I haven’t felt happier than I do now that they’re not in my life causing problems that I seriously don’t need.

They say blood is thicker than water. But is it? Really? I don’t think so. And people are shocked when I say I don’t care about them, and to make the first step to reconcile. Erm... no thanks. I have some amazing friends that I consider my ‘family’ and don’t need the poison and toxicity back in my life.

If you don’t want to contact your sister then don’t. You’re possibly setting yourself up for more heartache and unhappiness. Move forward - and be happy without her ??

Sometimes it is ‘time’ to let go, be that family or friends.
If you are uncomfortable with making this choice, why not start with a decision & an undertaking to yourself to make no contact for a specified amount of time. As time goes on you can extended the period of time until it eventually stops. Best wishes

I have sister 5 yrs younger than me, we are so unlike people have said they can't believe we grew up in some home. She is racist, homophones a complete snob. We have never had good relationship and about 4 years ago it all came to a head. Not seen or spoken to her since. We send each other birthday and Christmas cards but that's only contact we have. I have no interest in any contact with her.

It’s interesting how many of us have problems with our siblings. If my sibling and I met outside the family, we could never be friends. We have polar views on so many things. With that in mind I minimise contact. My life is much less dramatic and more pleasant

Drop her!
My husband has a brother who is 5 years older than him. They shared a bedroom as children and, according to my sister-in-law, they were always fighting and arguing! My husband is quite a self-contained person, so he seldom speaks about his younger years, before he met me, when we were both just 18.
My husband's brother married "The Woman from Hell". No-one in his family liked her - she really was that bad - but my husband absolutely loathed her, as she was the embodiment of everything he hated in a person! So, when his brother moved out of his parents house, he kept contact with him to an absolute minimum! Being an only child myself, who would have loved to have a brother or sister, I found his attitude hard to understand. At one point, they went for over 15 years without a single word passing between them!
In February 2018, his brother's wife passed away, aged 64. I thought then that there might be some sort of reconciliation between the brothers, but it was not to be! My husband said he wasn't going to the funeral of someone he hated, and he stuck to his guns! I asked him if he ever planned on ever speaking to his brother and he said it was highly unlikely! He has always been close to his sister who is 12 years older than him, and kept in regular contact with her. I like her very much - she's the sister I never had! She's now nearly 76 and in poor health. I know that when she passes away, my husband will certainly attend her funeral, but I also know that he will completely ignore his brother, who will also be there!
I don't like the situation between my husband and his brother, but I have eventually realised that I cannot change it! I also have a grown up son and daughter who are estranged from one another, and it breaks my heart, but I cannot change that either! My daughter, the older, has always been difficult, is jealous and resentful of her younger brother, who despite being disabled, is academically very bright, did well at school and has been a professional musician since his teens (he's now doing his Music degree) and made quite a lot of money from what his sister considered just a hobby. In the past, she has said some terrible things to him, so he has chosen to distance himself from her! She lives over 50 miles away, so it's not too hard for him!
In spite of being upset by my family situation, I do my best to have my own interests and friends and keeping busy takes my mind off something I can do nothing about! If your sister makes you unhappy and you really don't like her, then let her go, and don't feel guilty! Life is far too short to not live your own life to the best of your ability! Good luck!

Guilt is the most pointless of emotions. I was brought up by wonderful, kind gentle parents who both died before I was 30. We were part of our Catholic community where guilt has always played a part in everyone's lives. My husband says it still plays a big part in mine where I put up with difficult people as friends. In the past couple of years I have decided to gently disappear from their lives and it has been a good decision in each case. I feel much calmer now and the lock-down has also caused me to re-assess my previously very busy life. Do I want a permanently crowded diary? Actually, no. Sometimes 'Less is More'. If we let 'guilt' become a habit our lives are full of shoulds and oughts. Since lock-down I have hardly used those expressions.

YOu say you always do the instigating - why? It sounds as if she wouldn't contact you first so why do you? I was once told the only person that makes one feel guilty is themselves. Your sister is a 'big girl' she's presumably managed in lockdown and will continue to do so. Follow the advice of your family

Why not give up contact with her? I did that with one of my 2 sisters over 18 years ago and I have never regretted it. I do regret that her 2 children decided to stop all contact with me as a result of my decision about their mother but that regret is far outweighed by not having to bother about the sister .
You need to do what is best for you - why keep in contact if it is causing you grief? You only have one life so why should your sister ruin that life for you?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi Santana

I personally would just keep contact to birthday cards, Xmas cards. I had similar issues with my sister. She is younger than me and for years before my mum died she was very difficult, always coming out with unpleasant, rude comments. She lived near my mum and arranged a lot for her. It was always her who decided what was best for my mum, my opinion or my brother’s never counted. I put up with it while my mum was alive to keep the peace.
When my mum passed my sister decided she was in charge of everything. If I had accepted that and gone along with everything she said we would probably still be in touch today. After me deciding to speak to the solicitor myself after my sister told me just sign this document and send it back to me, I was pretty much dismissed by her. I did ring her to ask her to come up for dinner and to get past this, but she didn’t want to know.
It took me a while to accept this as I kept thinking there was more I could do for us to be sisters again. I stopped thinking like this and now accept the situation and I have peace in my life. It was always like walking on eggshells with her.
I hope she’s ok, and if she ever rang me and asked if we could start again, yes would be my answer, but I know that won’t happen.
If the thought of seeing your sister doesn’t make you look forward to it, then you gave your answer.

Santana If I have read your post correctly I can understand how you have arrived at your current position and your strong sense of "Responsibility" towards your sister.

However...

As you have already identified lockdown has given you a break and time to reflect. Time to access what you are Willing to Give to the relationship. Also time to have a reality check about what you Get from the relationship.

You seem to have good insights into what you are Expected to Give and what you really Get. As others have said "Life is too Short" to be in a toxic, guilt driven relationship.

You already KNOWN what is Healthy for you to do.

It's what You Want to do. It seems what you are struggling with is How To DO what is Right for you and still Feel OK with yourself.

If I can suggest some strategies for you to arrive at a "Choice" you will feel comfortable with going forward re your concerns and sense of responsibility make lists.

But first get on the internet and do some reading, sounds like you have a heightened sense of "Responsibility", understandably so.

Read up on Managing/letting go of Toxic Relations, being Over Responsible and see what insights you get from what you find. Use whats useful and ignore what doesn't feel right to you.

This is your opportunity for you to get that back in balance with what You Want and for You to put Yourself ON Your List of Responsibilities.

This is a chance for you to make your future relationship with your sister on Your Terms Not Hers or based on Left Over Guilt from Childhood/Birth Family.

Make Lists. These are for you, only share them if you want to, they aren't for anyone but you.

Hand written lists. Doing this gives you time to Think, time to Feel your Feelings, time to work out what You want and what you will feel OK with.

Start by making one page with a simple statement such as "I Have the Right to Take Care of My Wants" or "I have the Right to Give my Care to the People I Choose". Nothing more on this page. Make the statement that is right for you, you can change it but keep it about You.

List what you are expected to Give to this relationship AND what you Get from it. Then List how you Feel about that. List who will give ??? to your sister if it's not you. List what will happen to You and those you care about IF your sister does Not Get ??? from You.

List how you think you'll feel if you keep on Giving to your sister and Getting Abuse.

List how you think you feel if you give yourself Permission to Take Care of Yourself and let Her Take Care of Herself. It sounds like a chore but the insights are useful.

I wish you luck. But I feel as if you are someone who will put the work in to get to a better place within yourself and have healthier boundaries where this relationship is concerned so may be you'll only need a little bit of luck.

Santana, I really feel for you. My sister is 2 years older than me, we have never been that close, she has five children and I have one we also live 250 miles apart and we both live completely different life styles. I would only visit to see my parents which was 3 or 4 times a year and see my sister then. My only worry was that I wanted to be with my parents when they died if possible. My mum died 4 years ago and my sister and I was with her. Whilst my mother was in her last few hours my sister out of the blue went berserk hitting me, shouting, verbal abuse it never stopped. I had to call my nephew to come and get my sister because of all this I was wasn’t with mum when she took her last breath. I really hated my sister for taking that away from me. Over the next 4 years I could never talk about it, it was too painful. During the lockdown early last year my Sister developed terminal cancer and was diagnosed in June sadly she died the day after her birthday in September. I was with her the day before she died and one off the last things she said to me was. I guess this is payback time for how awful I was to you when mum died.

Santana - my relationship with my sister is similar to yours. Even our father said once, when she was too busy to see him, "well at least I don't have to say thank you'. When he was ill then died she was still too busy!! At the funeral she made an appearance with one son really to find out what they were going to get from his estate! She was no better when our Mother was ill. However, when she was going through a divorce everyone was expected to be there and handle all the proceedings.
Just exchange birthday and Christmas cards now.

Sounds as if you could let this relationship dwindle to Chistmas cards.