Friendship has run its course?

You said she and her husband share a email address. It is possible that there is something not right in their relationship. Have you thought whether there could be some domestic upset happening. It seems very weird for a 20 year+ friendship to end without explanation. Are you in contact with any other joint friends or relatives. Maybe you could contact one of them to voice your concern (don't mention possibility of domestic upset unless anyone else has similar concerns). It could well be that the husband is controlling the situation. Tread very carefully!

I am concerned she may have a controlling husband and he may have sent the email. Now he's got her all to himself. I dont know what you can do about it though.

I am naturally cynical but the fact that you were first asked to reduce contact to email only, then dumped by email leads me to suspect its her husband sending these emails. Has he recently retired? Jealous of her time spent talking to you or going out with you? Maybe one last direct phonecall just asking for an explanation, quite a reasonable request in the circumstances, would clarify the situation and remove any doubts. Good luck.

I'm with Blinko and Gingster

20 yrs is a long friendship. She doesn't want a call but perhaps a short text: "Sorry to get your email".

I would feel concerned for your friend and would delve further. I do not agree that it’s a simple matter of her terminating your friendship.

It happened to me in 1997. I had a very close friend, although she was American and lived in the USA. We had worked together over here and we had given her lots of hospitality, taken her to concerts etc. I had three times visited her in the States, each time with one of my three daughters. We had been friends for twenty years. Then, a year after I had last seen her, she sent the kind of letter the OP had by email. I wrote to her and faxed the letter too, to be on the safe side (this was pre e-mail days) but never heard from her again. At first I was desperately upset and weepy but after some months I started to get angry. I used to dream about her a lot. But it faded. I have my own children and grandchildren to think of and my own career to pursue but it remains one of the worst experiences of my life. I have never had a "best friend" since, preferring to spread my bets. She was 16 years older than me and died last year, predeceased by her husband and one of her two sons. (I look at the Facebook page of the other son sometimes, which is how I know. So it can never be resolved. But gradually, I remember a number of stories she had told me about perceived slights and cutting people off. I just never thought it would be me! Perhaps if we'd lived in the same country it would have happened sooner. I'm sorry for the OP but I think there is nothing to be gained it trying to find out why this happened. Let your mourning of the friendship run its natural course and move forward. I am sorry for your pain.

Many years ago, I had a good friend who, like me, was divorced and had 2 little boys. Our children were about the same ages, and all was well. Then I met a man who became my 2nd husband and she was a maid of honour at our wedding. I was soon pregnant and my friend visited me while I was in hospital. (I'd had a Caesarean and they kept us in for a week in those days).
Unfortunately I was asleep, so rather than disturb me, she left a card and a gift, which the nurses gave me when I woke up.
I responded by sending a thank you card, but never heard from her again.
I phoned her several times but she never answered. I left messages, I wrote letters - I was getting really anxious - and I called in at her house, but all to no avail. The ten years later I bumped into her at a charity event, and she acted as though nothing had happened.
I totally understand the AcornFairy's pain and distress, but unfortunately, I don't think there's anything to be done, regardless of whether her friend or the husband is at the root of all this.
Let go, grieve and move on would be my advice.

That’s very sad and not really an acceptable way to end a long friendship. I suspect there is something deeper here. Can you contact other friends and family to see if she is keeping in touch with them. If it’s just you she has dropped then you have to just accept the situation but if she is cutting all connections then you have a right to worry and ask if a close family member can get to the bottom of the problem. She may need help and good friends like you to stand by her.

Sorry you are left like this and all the feelings that it stirs, the unknowns.

Does she have neighbours, other mutual friends or children that could give you a very discreet insight just that everything is ok

Would she be on social media anywhere - that you can just see from a distance that she is ok?

The wording of the message also sounds off to me - more a male style of writing maybe?

Even I acknowledge that Covid and lockdown, being alone for almost a year is making me behave quite strangely (even with my very close friends). I can see I am being quite out of character, resenting any and all contact, seeing it as intrusion by phone, message and even face to face - could they both be experiencing something similar temporarily?

I wouldn’t make contact straight away, but is there a time coming up later where you could reach out? I guess you might not live close enough to do a spontaneous breezy “fancy going for coffee and cake” in a couple of months

I am very sure that you have done nothing wrong.

You may be right that the husband is writing in his wife's name as you have felt for some time that he is a controlling type.

I honestly cannot think of any way you can check whether the decision and this rather abrupt e-mail was his or hers.

In your place, I would try to accept that this friendship has run its course. Your friend has chosen to end the friendship in a rather childish manner - could incipient dementia be at play here?

Whatever the reason, try to move on, accept her decision and ask yourself if you really would like her as a friend after this rude treatment?

Just wanted to say even if she wanted to end the friendship.
What a spiteful way to go about it, absolutely nasty there is no other way to excuse this .
If its the husband my gosh what pure evil.

There’s been some good input here; from possible coercive control by the husband to having different views over Brexit and social behaviour during and after lockdown. I think the shared email address is probably a sign of the husband wishing to have control over and knowledge of his wife’s email correspondence.

Are you prepared for one last attempt? When meeting face to face becomes possible again, send a greetings card and suggest coffee or a drink “to catch up”. You might say that you value the friendship too much to jettison it for no apparent reason, and see if you get a response.

If you’ve known her for so long, you may have a mutual friend or know a third party who could comment on your friend’s health and state of mind.

I was ghosted by a friend a few years ago, but over the years I’d noticed references in her conversation about “not speaking” to other friends, and I thought how unfortunate she was to have such lousy friends. The the scales fell from my eyes and I realised that she was the lousy unreliable friend.

I would lhkne and ask her? Maybe there is more to this?

Hmm, I have been that person, the OPs friend.

For forty years, I did all the heavy lifting in the friendship, made allowances, went the extra mile.

Then one day I just saw it for what it was and decided I’d had enough and said It’s run it’s course.

No she didn’t understand, tried a few times to get it back on course, by which she meant the kind of friendship that had suited her. I genuinely don’t think she knew how much she was she’d used me to suit herself. She really thought it was a good friendship.

Which, of course, it was -for her.

It seems very cruel of your former friend to end your friendship like that without apparent reason. Do you have a mutual friend who could possibly have said something to her about you or something you said which she may have taken offence from? (Just a thought.) Otherwise, yes, it makes me wonder about her husband. I was going to suggest writing her a letter, one last time. But if her husband is controlling, she may not see it. Wait until after lockdown, then pay her a visit without warning, at a time when hubby isn't likely to be there, if possible.

Acornfairy. When I first read this post I automatically thought the husband might be involved and as others have said he could be jealous of your friendship. Could you not contact her when you know the husband is not around? I would have to get to the bottom of this but thats just me. Hope it gets sorted out. X

Hi AcornFairy I would be checking out if the email has come from your friend and not her husband joking around (is he that type that would do such a thing)? If the message is from your friend I would want to know why and what had she believed I had done wrong to end such friendship.

Does she have a habit of breaking up with friends. I had a friend like that. He had lots of broken friendships he told me about. Then one day I was dumped. I think because I got married (there had never been anything more than a friendship between us). I realised then that the broken friendships were prob a lot to do with him.

I always think sending an announcement to end a friendship is cruel and unnecessary, but she has set out her boundaries I guess. I would either leave it there, or - if you really think it is likely to be her husband - send a text saying ‘sorry to get your email, do let me know if you ever change your mind’. If you think it is from her then I wouldn’t send that. If you have a way to dig further I would!

So sorry to hear this. I don’t understand this at all, which makes me think she has either got some mental health problems or her husband has. When you don’t want to be friends with someone, you usually have a good reason. I find it strange that they use the same email address. I wouldn’t have any reason to share emails with my husband. Unless one of them is not IT savvy? I suggest you ask her why. Can you text her? Or send her a card, maybe on her birthday, addressed to Mrs ......, see if she responds. This treatment of you is unkind

Very odd and rather sad but better to feel bemused than bereft. She certainly doesn’t mince her words. Put it behind you. You’ll never get to the bottom of it.

Of course the thing is that if it did come from her husband now it will seem like you ended the friendship, cut off all ties in a cruel way so you will be guilty party. I don't think you can leave it. you need to know one way or the other . Once you have found out then at least you know there was nothing more you could have done. Does she have a mobile phone ? Ring her . She said she didn't want phone calls but at least you will have a chance to discuss it and you will know one way or the other . She can do a number of things, put the phone down, tell you she doesn't want to discuss it OR sound surprised if it was her husband. You need to know.

It's a shame to lose a friend but as long as there's nothing sinister behind it such as her husband bullying or isolating her I wouldn't worry too much. Sometimes we lose that common thread because we move on with our lives. You're bound to mourn your loss but there are other people with whom to make friends.

I had a friend for 15 years who did this to me. She used the excuse of my divorce not to contact . To be fair she had been distant for a while. I am still friends with her husband and he said she did this got bored with people and ended friendships. I would say hard as it is just move on. Nothing can be gained from prolonging the agony.

I had a close friend who lived in the same village. We were both widows and saw one another most days, went on holiday together several times. Then after a short illness she decided to,move back to Kent where she had lived most of her life previously. Since then I rarely heard from her. Just the odd postcard or Christmas card. She is not on the internet. I do phone her but she never calls me.

Acornfairy, I am sorry to hear that your friend of 20 years has sent you such a blunt message ending your friendship. It has happened to me too and it is cruel and it hurts. How can she throw away 20 years of friendship? the good times and bad times shared? I do agree with some of the others here that the email could be from a jealous husband. I have experienced the same with friends' husbands who try to break up my friendships using subtle ways. My ex husband too was the same. Very controlling and possessive and hate me going out to see my friends, even one day blocking the door so a friend I have known since my teens would not come into the house! I could not believe it. But it happens. Your husband is probably feeling very vulnerable at the moment and just wants you for himself! So please get to the bottom of it and find out the reason for her email. Send your friend a nice card. I would cellotape the envelope so he cannot steam it open to check who has sent it. It is difficult making friends these days and old friends who know you well are to be treasured. Good luck.