Friendship has run its course?

It could well be that circumstances in your friends life have changed.
Why does it have to be yourself that is responsible?
She may not want to discuss her reason, that has led to this decision. A brief reply that you will always be there for her . Leave it at that and move on.

That’s a brutal message with which to end a friendship, but I don’t think there’s much you can do, in practical terms, to find out if her husband is controlling her friendships.

I have a very long friendship which seemed to be fizzling out because my friend started dropping arrangements we’d made to see each other at the last minute, often on the basis of ‘So-and-so has asked me to go shopping with her, and I’d rather do that’. I thought she’d got bored with me when my health made it difficult for me to get out and about and do things with her. This upset me a lot, being dumped is never pleasant. But I then started to re-evaluate the friendship, and wonder if I had a bit too rosy a view of my friend. She was someone I thought was always ‘there’ for me, but after having arrangements we’d made changed on what seemed like the flimsiest of reasons, I started to see our friendship in more realistic terms. She is a person who likes to have a wide range of friends and the opportunity for lots of social outings, and I just wasn’t really fulfilling that role in her life.

I was never dumped by email, I’m glad to say, and as our lives moved on, the friendship revived a bit, with much lower expectations on my side!

As mentioned, does she have any wider family you could contact to express your concerns. 'Her' behaviour does indeed sound rather odd, as though there is more to it than meets the eye.
My husband had a friend whom he'd known since the age of 3. We were great friends (or so we thought) with him and his wife and they were/are both godparents to our daughter who is now in her early 30s.
Quite suddenly, without warning, my husband received a message from his friend, around 15yrs ago, saying the 'friendship had run its course, dont contact me again, just let's leave the friendship with the memories we have'. DH wrote letters back and contemplated turning up on their doorstep, even getting as far as the end of their road one day, they lived around 35 miles away.
This couple couldn't have children but desperately wanted them and I often wonder if that was a factor in the decision as everytime we saw or spoke to them, naturally our talk was of our 2 children. Such a shame as our daughter hasnt heard a word from them so has 'lost' two godparents who were always incredibly kind.
Nowt so queer as folk, as the saying goes.

Do you really mean that every time you met you talked about your children. Really? Honestly?

Everyone has been on the side of the OP.

Just maybe there’s another side to this story ??

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt Acornfairy. I was "frozen out" by someone I considered a close friend too. I was hurt and a bit annoyed, as I felt I had always been there for her during her many problems, she would ring anytime to unburden herself.
I have moved on now, but can understand your hurt.

It's difficult when friends don't have their own email address. I correspond with a friend who moved house, and I really resent that the email has to go through her husband first. I find that one is always guarded in what one says.

If she was a bosom buddy and you are feeling disquiet then I would approach via a side door such as her children or siblings. If it turns out she's either ill or being bullied you may feel forever guilty if you do nothing.

Acornfairy I really feel for you, so sorry, when a friendship runs its course there is often a much more gradual drifting apart that doesn't hurt quite so much.
I had to distance myself from someone who,
I finally realised, had been subtly undermining me for years but I just took it until I saw her in her true light. It was sad, but of its time. Drifting politely was the gentlest route.
But an email like that is pretty brutal, and actually, abruptly rude. Like others, I am also a bit suspicious about who it was actually penned by, I wouldn't dream of sharing an email address with my husband, but we're all different.
I hope you can leave behind the hurt and find new friends who wouldn't behave in such a way. Maybe there's someone genuinely kind and fun just waiting round the corner.
By the way, love your title, I am a fan of anything to do with oak, think it's a Celtic thing!

I wonder if there could be something she knows/has happened that you are not aware of that she cannot bring herself to discuss with you.

It seems very odd to me that she chose to communicate by email in these days of WhatsApp text etc . Is there any other way you can just send a fair enough but I’m still here when all the madness of lockdown is over kind of message without her husband seeing it ? Lockdown has affected people differently and some rather oddly myself included!

Quite some time ago we lived abroad and your friends become almost your family. I had a friend who suddenly stopped coming round, wouldn’t answer my calls and basically cut herself off from everyone. I was however the only one who got a you’re dumped letter - a not even spellchecked letter and she was a top secretary! - telling me I’d never been a good friend and listing all my flaws. These were twisted versions of what had actually happened in my eyes.
We took our kids to the same childminder and she would blank me there. I can’t tell you how much this really hurt. We left the country and returned back to UK - as she did a year or so later.
Fast forward about five years and my mum (who she had kept in touch with) told me that she had been asked for my details as this woman wanted to get back in touch.
I contacted her myself and basically she told me that her behaviour had been down to depression she was suffering at the time and her counsellor had suggested she get in touch to tell me this. I felt this was part of her healing and did nothing for me at all. I could never be her friend again as the trust had gone but I also didn’t want to stop her recovery. This resurrected the hurt I’d felt. We sent Christmas/birthday cards after that and the odd phone call but that was all really.
Another five years or so and I had a work reason to visit her area and phoned suggesting meeting for coffee. We met up and cleared the air and had a really good chat. I could never again be her friend however and nowadays there’s not any contact but I felt that last meeting was necessary.
I’m wondering therefore if there’s a bit of depression here - perhaps set off by or intensified by the lockdown. Whatever this is, it isn’t caused by you or anything you have or haven’t done.
I would suggest acknowledging her contact and saying that it’s a shame that she’s ended it this way but that perhaps at some stage when lockdown ends it might be nice to meet for a coffee if you’re in the area. Leave it unpressured. If there is coercion or depression then it’ll be good for her to know that there could be contact. But it would also be good for you to have your closure.
But in no ways is any of this your doing. And the good thing is that this gives you longer to spend with the friends who do value you! ?

I would imagine - like someone else - that there is something going on in her life that she doesn’t want to share. A real friend would never do this to you - probably not the friend you thought she was. Chin up - someone who does that is not worth your kindness and friendship. Xx

Was it actually her writing? It could be mental matters that she does not want to tell and her husband is covering for her.
Or I had a friend who emailed every day without fail. It suddenly stopped for months then she emailed and confided a very big family secret and since then I get the odd email. She just did not know how to tell me, but it has harmed our friendship.

During this lockdown period, many women (and a few men, it has to be said) have been stuck marooned almost, in the house with an abusive partner. Although you've known her for 20 years, perhaps that's a side of her relationship that she's not been willing to share. Sharing the same email address suggests (to me) that he is possibly controlling - he can see who she gets emails from. The messages in the past which have seemed strange could be that he's dictating what she can and can't do. And it could be him who wrote that last email. My advice: do nothing. If you contact her again, and he is using coercive behaviour, it could reflect badly on her. Having once had a controlling partner in the past, I feel that this scenario is a strong possibility.

Daisymae

While it could well be her husband, you have actually spoken to her in lockdown so really there's nothing much you can do. I would be inclined to let it lie.

And a coercove husband may have been standing behind her while she spoke

I would be concerned that there is no actual evidence that the message was from your friend.
One of the many negative impacts of Lockdown is the deteriorating relationships between two people forced into isolation with each other for a very long period of time. Other clues also suggest that this could be a case of husband controlling her.
Or a slightly kinder interpretation could be that she might be showing signs of the beginning of dementia and husband does not wish this to be known.
Either way, it will be very difficult for you to find out. If you Google 'coercive control' you will find lots of information, such as
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Interestingly they give a list of signs that this may be happening and the first one is that the person is being isolated from friends and family.
I wonder if you have any mutual friends with whom you could share your concerns? I think it's very difficult to find a way of helping, but at the same time I would be very worried about her.

This rang a bell with me. A friend who I normally see when
I visit England but have only birthday/Christmas contact
inbetween, rang me to say she was better and had survived.
Apparently she had rung me and spoken to my soon to be
ex husband to say she was having treatment for breast
cancer, he never passed the message on, how mean can you
get. I should add this was in the 90's and we didn't really
email each other in fact never now I think about it. She was
as shocked as me.

I have found that most of my friendships tend to last around 15 years and then life moves in different directions or we 'grow' in different directions and have little in common. I do have a couple of friends who I see infrequently but each time we meet it is as if we have never been apart. I remember on at least two occasions gently warning friends that I am not interested in rows and dramas and will just quietly disappear if I sense the friendship has become unhealthy and damaging. I have done this three times in the past twenty years and I know it was the right thing to do.

I am always worried when couples share Facebook profiles or e-mail addresses. Unless she tells you why she's ghosting you, you can't apologise for what you did, albeit inadvertently. So... don't ask again. You may find out, years from now, what happened... till then... don't give it a thought, and don't ask third parties.

As other have said, I doubt it is anything you have said or done. I also thought could she be in a controlling relationship or have mental health problems possibly dementia. Or could her husband have developed such problems and she is either embarrassed or he doesn’t like her contacting others.Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances or her AC you could contact and ask for their take on it. If they are in contact with her and say she is Ok, then it may just be she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, upsetting though that is.

I think you should just move on. If you have any mutual friends then perhaps they can shed some light on it. I had a friend of about 5 years who did the same thing to me. It turned out that she had done the same thing many times before to other people.

AcornFairy That does sound very hurtful. If you think coercive control is a possibility (maybe made worse by lockdown), I would try to find out, but very carefully to avoid her husband taking anger out on her because of you contacting her. I don’t think Sellotaping an envelope would be enough. Maybe a phone call when you know he will be out (after lockdown if necessary)?

How close friends were you? Does she live far away?

Other possibilities (as mentioned): mental health problems (made worse by lockdown), and/or there was something she wasn’t happy about before lockdown and it feels worse to her now. If it turns out to be one or both of those, you could try to leave the door open to further contact, in case she feels differently later. If you think you might want to be friends with her again, that is. Maybe a text saying something like, ‘Sorry to hear you feel that way. If you feel differently later, do get in touch.’

I agree with people who have suggested asking people who know her if she is all right (if you can).

If you find out it wasn’t coercive control, you could consider if there was anything you did she might not have liked, or signs of anything wrong between you. Or of her dropping other friends as some people have described.

If she was unhappy about something, it would have been more fair to talk to you about it before ending the friendship. Sending best wishes.

Abusive husband!!

My ex H made me do that on two occasions. His words, my name. I carried out his wishes as, if he didn’t want the friendships then they wouldn’t have continued in any case. We never spoke about them again, and the loss was mine much more than his. (Unbelievably, about 20 years later he actually tried to re-open correspondence with one couple! ). If my experience is anything to go by then, as others have said, it seems to me that her husband has been behind this. Don’t look for answers, as you will only torture yourself. I think you have to simply move on, try to forget, but maybe be prepared to lend her a shoulder to cry on if she needs it at some future point. Good luck.

20 years ago I moved cities to get married and in doing so lost my mobile phone.
10 years later, after divorce, I moved away and bumped into a friend from the 1st city who was very abrupt with me. I persisted and discovered that 'I' had texted everyone in my phone that I was having a 'new city, new start' and didn't want anything to do with them anymore. Needless to say this was a complete shock to me.

Keep an open mind. If it is coercion she may not be able to respond in any way that explains it - it may be unsafe.
If it's not coercion and it is her being adament then draw a line and move on.