Friendship has run its course?

ixion

How do you know that the email actually came from your friend and not her husband?

My thoughts exactly @Ixion

I had a similar experience with a married couple who, I thought , were good friends. I had been a single parent for many years but , eventually , found a partner and introduced him to them shortly before my daughter’s wedding as they had been invited and I wanted them to meet him. They didn’t turn up and never said why and I haven’t heard from them since. I think they liked having a single friend who they could feel sorry for. I don’t miss them. It’s their loss . Chin up. You sound like the kind and caring friend that everyone needs, especially now. Her loss. Xx

Who knows controlling husband? You could try to contact her another way but no guarantee of success. She might be depressed or ill and not wanting to talk to anyone. Shame for her as you sound like a good friend but sometimes you have to let go of a frienship that is not reciprocated Sad

some people are mismatched; one may see it as a close friendship, whereas to the other it is merely an acquaintance, and the latter may decide not to bother any more.
just move on.
don't try to find out why, that could be seen as harassing or even stalking.
she doesn't owe you anything. leave her be.

A number of people have raised possible coercive control by her husband & I agree its definitely possible. I have both personal & professional experience with domestic abuse & isolating the woman is one of the most common signs that something is wrong.

In my personal case my ex husband "allowed" my friends to ring or call at the house (no mobiles or email in those days) but afterwards made my life hell and abused me in every way he could. I pulled away from all my supportive friends & family because the backlash was horrendous. Most drifted away as I never wanted to see them & didn't ring as he scrutinised the bill & I was in trouble if it was too large. I became the one driving away those closest to me. Luckily my BF refused to give up on me and had a "council of war" with my parents. They rang at times when he wasn't around & slyly supported me until I finally ended the relationship after he beat me in front of our DD. My BF & DPs were then there in a flash and helped me rebuild my life. I was so beaten down mentally and physically that I really needed the support & practical help they gave me.

Sorry for the mega post but I feel its so important for friends to continue to be there in the background. Reach out @AcornFairy to any mutual friends or her family & if she seems at risk, let her know you're there and there is help available if she needs it.

I wonder if her husband is behind this and if he has written the email. He might be a control freak. Try and meet her on the off chance.

Personally I would send her a note in time saying you received her email and you wish her well. A similiar thing happened to me with a friend I had known for many years, she actually 'phoned me to say she wouldn't be seeing me again and would be leaving our friendship. To say I was upset was an understatement, I was flawed. Roll on 20 years and hey ho she contacted me by letter saying she regretted her decision. We don't meet up but do email now and when I received this letter I just said she did what she felt was right at the time and thanked her for her apology and felt it was gracious of her to offer an apology. She has sort of said could we meet for coffee sometime but I haven't made a firm date and with Covid obviously not been able to. I am sorry AcornFairy this has happened to you, it can be a huge blow to your confidence as it was to me but I had to move on and you can as well. I wish you all the best for the future and I am sure you can make new friends soon.

very sensible, Mrsgreenfingers.

I was ditched by a good friend who got involved in pyramid selling and dropped me because we didn't want to be recruited into the scheme. She got her children to stop calling me by my Christian name when they saw me and call me Mrs ... Queueing up to collect our children, she would stand well away from me and started befriending other mums for the purpose of recruitment, no doubt. She underwent a complete personality transformation, and it was so hurtful to be cast off like that. I can't really understand why people have to be quite so blunt to someone who has been a friend especially if they've done nothing wrong.

I strongly agree with those above who are suspicious of her husband's involvement. Controlling and abusive people always try to isolate their victims from friends and family. He could just be very jealous, though, and want all her attention.

It seems highly unlikely/unnatural that she'd send such a message to a friend. If she wanted to end the friendship, she'd simply stop replying, surely?

What you do about it - I'm really unsure, it's tricky. Perhaps send a note to say that you're always there for her? (He probably opens the post as well, though, so maybe a note through the door when he's out?)

That must be very painful for you. I sounds like to me that her husband is controlling her and gradually separating her from a good friend. Alarm bells here. The messages were pretty cut and dried. Do you know anyone else that sees her or converses with her, ask them if she is ok.

Sounds like a controlling husband to me. Maybe being able to speak to your friend out of earshot of the husband is one option but if it is this and she is afraid of him then all you can do is wait it out to see if your friend comes back to you. Very difficult but I don’t think you can do anything at the moment.

All your responses are much appreciated. Before posting on Gransnet I did wonder if my friend was overly subject to her husband’s control, but I thought I might be over-reacting. But now I believe that is very likely to be the case. Until the coronavirus restrictions are significantly lifted there is really nothing I can do. With emails out of the question, and snail-mail communications dodgy, my hands are tied. She never shared her mobile number with me and she is not on social media. The couple have no children and her siblings – who I have never met – live many miles away. I do worry about her but she has a lovely home and an apparently comfortable lifestyle, so perhaps there is little more I can/should do. But I shall stay alert. Thank you all.

My thoughts too Blinko.

Oh, DO stop trying to blame the husband! The only likely way he's involved is if she moaned to him about you so much that he said 'Well, dump her then!'

I had a friend who insulted my son and grandchildren: said some rather ugly things about them, thankfully in their absence (she has no children). I was incensed and answered her in no uncertain terms. She told me that was the end of our friendship. that nobody had ever spoken to her like that in her life! I felt very upset by this but on reflection realised that she has often slagged off her friends to me behind their backs, and has fallen out with a number of neighbours & close family members. I haven’t seen her for a year but pass her house on my shopping trips and worry that I shall see her. I comfort myself that I am a forgiving person and am able to have a word with myself if I think I’ve upset someone. Evidently she can’t. I saw her husband and told him that Jan—e had had a rather extreme reaction to my remonstrating with her. He just said, “Tell me about it; I have to live with it.” Is that story any use to you AcornFairy? Some people don’t realise how hurtful their behaviour is, but perhaps they can’t help it.