Friendship has run its course?

Some years ago at work I took part in research looking into male/female types of writing. Which is a roundabout way of saying, like SynchroSwimmer I immediately thought the style of the email was male, quite dogmatic and controlling. If your friend had sent such a message - and I'd actually prefer a message to being ghosted - I think it would be somewhat kinder and maybe more apologetic. Who knows what is going on inside houses these days with lockdown being a perfect excuse for watching everything someone does? I too would be tempted to send her a text, or run into her somewhere you know that she will be when restrictions lift, and just say how sorry you were to get her email and thank her for being such a good friend for 20 years. If she didn't send it she'll probably give an explanation. If she did send it, that should make her feel sufficiently guilty!

@justwokeup I’d prefer such a message to being ghosted, too.

I suppose if the friend was having mental health problems she might write in a different style from usually?

Have you disagreed over Brexit, Trump, vaccination, adherence to lockdown regulations, religion... ?

Very sad way to do it but have to wonder if it was actually her that sent it?
I don't know of anyone that would rather conduct a friendship via email over a phone call - unless they are not in the same country and there is a big time difference!
Also, the fact that it is a joint email address with her husband - I mean, who has that these days?
OK, so sometimes when you have been friends with someone since childhood or through being work colleagues and both of you have changed over the years.
Why not just send an email back and say how disappointed that you are that she feels that way and that you have treasured knowing her and if at any time she needs a friend that you will still be there for her. If you get no reply, you will just have to accept it, sadly.

Yup, I'd go with the controlling husband answer- probably jealous of all her old friendships and wants to get her right oner his thumb. That said, if you a) can't speak to her personally on the telephone and b) you don't live close enough to see her regularly, there's not a lot you can do other than somehow contact her a be nice and supportive to her - without being horrid about her OH of course as that is bound to make her defensive ! I was advised all the above by a medic friend when bothered about an alcoholic friend- if you can't be there pretty much all the time, best not be there at all. Good luck - take care of yourself in the midst of all this. Kindness to yourself and to your friends does go a long way. Just make sure that she knows your ear is always open for her - whatever her email said.

I met a 'friend' through work and we used to carry out joint visits together, share office time and she even came to my house for family barbeques. Would we meet up in the evening with my other friends for drinks. I assumed we were quite close but I understood that she had her foibles and would go out without inviting me and would sometimes go off on her own. When she left her job I assumed we would keep in touch and continue our friendship. That didn't happen. I hear from her quite rarely, the last text was to ask if I had any toiletries I didn't want as she was collecting for her current job role. Sometimes you just have to accept people as they are and move on.

It could be something that you have said that irritates her, and you dont even realise it. I have a couple of friends who really irritate me, one is such a know-all, and keeps telling me where i have gone wrong, and the other will spend much of the phone call telling me about her granddaughter who is really clever, attractive, lovely figure etc. I think they dont even realise that they are doing it. I find it really irritating and wish they would email instead of phone.

My sister did exactly the same to me and said it was her husband that didn’t want her talking to me. Personally I think that’s just an excuse but it is what it is. Now my mother has died I won’t know if my sister is alive or dead ? it hurts me a lot to think a sister could treat me like that, but it all has come out in the wash now. My sister had my mums Will changed 3 months before she died and while I was in hospital last year.
This last terrible act of awfulness has now proved to me I’m better off without her. My mother’s money will not buy her happiness. I’ll stick with my friends. ?

If you are really concerned that this message came from your friend's husband and not her, perhaps you could try and speak to her directly by phone and say that, although you were upset by her email, you understand if she really does want to break off your friendship but you just want to check that the email came from her. If she says it did and doesn't seem to want to explain further, just wish her well and move on. However, if you still think she is being controlled by her husband offer your support and tell her you will always be there for her. Do you know her husband well and does he strike you as being controlling?

I have a friend who I have known for about 50 years. We always kept in touch even when she lived in Germany (husband was in the RAF) in those days by letter or phone. However, several years ago she stopped contacting me but always seemed very pleased to hear from me if I phoned. Eventually I got fed up with always calling her and decided that I would leave it to see if she phoned me, she never did. However, every Christmas she puts a letter in my card saying that she has been very amiss in not contacting me and promising to get in touch in the New Year but she never does. I now feel that I have dropped out of her memory bank as she probably has other friends in her life now so I have sadly accepted it.

It’s such a shame and I wonder how many friendships will stand the test of this awful time. True friends are invaluable ones like this one isn’t worth the bother! Move on and have a nice life.

I also had this once, nothing to do wuth covid or a husband, over a silly misunderstanding,which my friend refused to acknowledge. In the end I was the one who wrote the mail saying it was the end 9f the friendship ...I said I considered we had both lost a friend. In this case,there doesn't seem to be any reason and the tone doesn't sound like that of a friend. Best to probably just move on ...

I wanted to share my family’s experience with you When my Dad retired he announced to my Mum that all her regular arrangements to see friends were to stop so they could spend more time together on lunches out and awaydays. He seemed to think this was his due reward for working, sometimes away from home. Mum had also worked but had retired at sixty. This all seemed sort of reasonable when Mum explained it to me. But then he insisted they shop together and he controlled the budget, he stopped her cigarettes she smoked one packet a week, stopped her magazines and stopped her lunch dates with friends and cousins which were all once a month arrangements , she also went to night school classes every year and he persuaded her not to enroll. All this happened as if it was reasonable then he intercepted phone calls and put people off, saying mum was out when she wasn’t etc. He turned family away including me, it took me a long time to realise what was happening. When he died suddenly at home of a heart attack I had to pick up all the pieces. Mum was in the early stages of dementia. People said that maybe he knew that and was protecting her in some way but there was a decline over the nine years in her whole life style, friends and family gave up on her, my dad could be very persuasive and also aggressive if he felt crossed.
It’s true you don’t know what goes on in a marriage, behind closed doors. I would advise you to step away for your own self preservation but keep some sort of eye on your friend and if she does end up on her own you can offer some support.
Take comfort from the fact you were as good a friend as you could have been. ???

It is common for abusive people to cut themselves off from friends and family, isolation makes things a lot harder for the victim and easier for the perpetrator
I've seen it happen, you are talking on the phone and she has to hang up suddenly as he has just arrived, and I've also seen a letter from someone that I was almost certain was written by a husband saying that she didn't want anything to do with the organisation we were both in, all we could do is send a letter thanking her for all she had done that would have arrived we hoped after her husband had gone to work, thanking her for her letter and letting her know we were there if she wanted to get back in touch
Without knowing more about the situation when things start opening up again is there any way you could get in touch, without her husband suspecting? Or ask anyone local who knows her or a family member, and maybe give them your contact details, as he might have deleted your number off the phone
My now ex did a wonderful job of cutting me off from family and friends, and eventually it was them who helped me.
She may not feel she can say anything but if it is that then knowing you are there for her will be a comfort

My thoughts were along the lines of a mental health problem. I had something similar, where a friend just dropped off the radar for about 10 years. She gradually started commenting on my FB posts & when we met up again eventually, she explained that she’d had a breakdown & seeing old friends was triggering. We’re now back to being good friends again.

It does sound odd. I think most friendships that have run their course sort of fizzle out rather than end like this if there hasn't been a big fall out.
Two possibilities that others have mentioned crossed my mind as well - does she have dementia and her husband is trying to protect her/himself from difficult discussions or meetings or is he controlling her life in an abusive way?
It's possible neither is the case, of course.
If you have other mutual friends you could talk to about it or live quite near her and could arrange to bump into her somewhere when her husband might not be with her, I would be tempted to try to find out more in case she is in difficulty. You'd certainly have to tread carefully though.
I know of someone in a second marriage where everything seemed great at first, but he has turned out to be controlling and doesn't want her to speak to or meet friends on her own, persuaded her into a house move that she didn't want etc.
If it turns out she genuinely didn't want to continue your friendship and there's no coercion by her OH, you just have to accept it and move on. Try to remember the good times and don't feel too sad - we're all odd in our own sweet ways and life's too short to waste time worrying about these things.
Hope you get some reassurance that she's ok.

Personally, I would send one final email saying that you're sorry she feels this way right now and that you'll not write again power the request but that if she feels that she wants to reconnect, you'll be happy to respond should she make the first move.

I don't think I can say much fairer than that.

Sorry.... per the request, not power it..... flipping predictive text

Yes I'm afraid some men are very jealous of their partners friends.strange but true.

don't worry about it. its not you, its a reflection of her. it happens. it happens with family, it happens with friends. it has nothing to do with you and I suggest you just let it go, don't contact her (she wants the opportunity to tell you how awful you are - so do not bother) and find another friend to worry about. find 2 more friends. find 3 - and your life will be better for it. I am with this situation but its my adult son and his family. trust me, for whatever reason, these people are looking for a fight and they have no intention of letting you win, so don't bother. spend time with people that enjoy you and lift you up. you don't need to really know why she has chosen to let you go and whatever reason, its intention is to hurt you so she can feel justified.

Quoting you words Acorn Fairy rang bells with me :
We had not met since Covid raised its ugly head in March. I phoned her on occasions but she said that she would prefer to be contacted by email. So that I did, although her responses were a bit random and left me rather concerned about how she was coping in lockdown. If I voiced my concern she simply said that she was fine.

You were concerned how your friend wasn't coping with lockdown. I may be wrong but my thoughts are that a symptom of depression is of wanting to be alone and be left alone, as in talking to people. Withdrawing away from people.
She asked you to email her rather than talk on the phone.
She didn't want to talk. It was easier to for her to have an email therefore it would be easier to cope with.
Depressed people often say they're fine when in fact they're not.
I could be completely wrong but this is what hit me when you said you had concerns for her.
If I were you, if possible, send a text or phone, if no answer leave a message to say you were saddened by her email and that you are always there for her is she needs you.
Or maybe put a card through her letterbox saying the same.
Only time will tell.

Does anybody have a mum have a mum suddenly in a care home with delirium?

Two of my ex friends could have written the OP ( other than being in doubt as to who had written it) because I did the what the OPs friend did.
But they wouldn’t have told you why.
One had the most foul and abusive mouth when she had been drinking. I’d just had enough after one too many such evenings.
The other is very mean with money. After one too many evenings out where we would go for a meal and she would have several gins and I would have coke because of driving and the bill was split ? she also had the most amazing gift of finding something interesting to look at in the car park so that I got to the ticket machine first ?
The straw that broke the camels back was only £5 but that was it. She got the email.

I’m not saying for one moment that either of my experiences relate to the OP. I’m just saying that very often there are 2 sides to most stories.

I wonder if she is ill and her or her husband doesn’t want anyone to know—— it’s sad and hurtful but probably best to leave it,do you know another friend of hers you could just check to see if she is OK.You are obviously caring and have been a good friend.

Years ago I remember my mother being very hurt because her best friend moved to another town and sent my mum a letter ending the life long friendship. A few months later the friend's sister contacted my mum to tell her that her sister had terminal breast cancer and was in a Hospice and wanted to see my mum one last time! She was a very private unmarried lady and didn't want anyone to pity her and that was the reason she cut herself off. Of course my mum went to see her and they made their peace. You never know what goes on in other people 's minds. Let it go for now and I'm sure you will find out from someone who knows her. I'm sorry you are hurting- my poor mum was devastated at the time.

I would just say 'Forget it and move on'. A similar thing happened to me after many years of friendship. There was no explanation given and I was worried. I then realised that if the person didn't have the guts to explain why, then it was their problem, not mine, and I haven't looked back.