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Mothers day - what should i do.

(23 Posts)
Grannyclomps Mon 08-Mar-21 11:39:02

I have never had a mother daughter relationship with my mum. I was brought up by my grandparents and when i was an adult and had children of my own I tried to visit when possible but the mother-daughter relationship just is not there. It was quite a nice relationship albeit a long distance one for a while and a social media type of relationship. My mum is a different person online than in real life, so when i was getting mixed messages from her - all lovely online but quite cruel in private i posted on here for advice and everyone was very helpful. Our relationship now is practically non existant she does not acknowledge me at all apart from when she fell out with another sibling and she contacted me to let me know. I really don't know what to do about mothers day. Do I acknowledge it and feel a hypocrite or do I ignore it. No doubt that would cause issues with my half-siblings and my mother. I do usually struggle to find an appropriate card that isn't too gushy as they don't sit right with me and usually send flowers. My mum is not in good health and I don't want to cause her any undue distress. All advice gratefully received.

Septimia Mon 08-Mar-21 11:45:07

Given what you've said, I think a card is too personal and the wording could be difficult. I'd suggest sending flowers as you usually do. Something nice but not over the top.

M0nica Mon 08-Mar-21 11:58:19

Your mother does not deserve a daughter as nice and as kind as you. If my mother behaved like yours, she would get nothing on mothers day.

But, as you are nicer and kinder than me, I would just send a neutral card or flowers. You do not need to buy a dedicated Mother's Day card, there are plenty of cards, blank inside for the message of your choice that just show photographs of flowers, or animals or landscapes on the front.

Witzend Mon 08-Mar-21 12:04:29

I agree, it’s hard to find non-slushy Mother’s Day cards. I could hardly ever use even non-slushy ones for my DM, since they nearly all said ‘Mum’ and she hated ‘Mum’ - she thought it sounded fat!

So I’d usually buy a pretty blank card - usually a photo of flowers - and just write what I wanted inside.

Missfoodlove Mon 08-Mar-21 12:09:46

This will be my first “ motherless” Mother’s Day.
The relief is enormous, I hated the hypocrisy every year.
Not sending anything would have caused a narcissistic rage so it was easier to send something.
It was usually a bland card, I never put with love only best wishes.

Buffybee Mon 08-Mar-21 12:16:05

She doesn’t seem to have been much of a Mother to you but if you feel that not sending a card would cause problems for you with your half siblings, just send a card and flowers as you have before.
You will know that it was done just to keep the peace, so should not feel a hypocrite.
Choose your battles...

EllanVannin Mon 08-Mar-21 12:19:22

A bunch of daffs would suffice under the circumstances.

Kamiso Mon 08-Mar-21 12:28:37

There are plenty of cards with no words so use one of them and just write your name in it.

glammanana Mon 08-Mar-21 12:36:36

You sound a lovely caring person who sadly does not have a good relationship with their mum,I too would send a blank card with your own words inside.
Would you consider maybe letter-box flowers so you don't have to have any face to face contact,they are quite reasonably priced.

Grannyclomps Mon 08-Mar-21 13:15:04

Thank you everyone, I have taken your advice and sent a bunch of her favorite flowers for delivery on saturday. I will just use the card that comes with the flowers and not mentioned mothers day just that I hoped she had a lovely day. I have decided also that I am not going to encourage my grown up kids to see her as i have in the past as I am now a gran myself and she never shows any interest in my kids/grandkids. Hope you all have a lovely week and thank you again for your valued advice.

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 08-Mar-21 13:18:22

grannyclomps hope your own Mother’s Day (or Mothering Sunday as we used to call it) is a happy one.💐

TrendyNannie6 Mon 08-Mar-21 13:22:55

Your mother does not deserve a daughter like you, you have become the bigger person though so well done, you have done more than I would have done , I hope you have a lovely Mother’s Day yourself though

PamelaJ1 Mon 08-Mar-21 13:26:20

You did the best thing🌟

Blossoming Mon 08-Mar-21 13:43:36

I will be doing my best to avoid it as I lost my much loved mother many years ago and it still hurts. I can’t imagine how it feels for you Grannyclomps but maybe a small card saying ‘thinking of you’, as that is true, or flowers as previously suggested. You sound like a lovely caring daughter and I’m sorry your mother doesn’t appreciate you flowers

Blossoming Mon 08-Mar-21 13:44:48

Sorry, crossed post, I see you already decided 🙂

mumofmadboys Mon 08-Mar-21 14:01:29

Well done grannyclomps. Good choice. Keep the peace if you can. Although it is your loss, it is also her loss if she did but know it.

Hithere Mon 08-Mar-21 14:14:48

I am so sorry your mother was not the mother you needed and deserved.

If I were you, I would send a very heartfelt card and flowers to the mother figure in your life - the person who raised you.
She is the one that truly deserves the honour of being called mother and being recognized for it

Madgran77 Mon 08-Mar-21 14:26:10

Thank you everyone, I have taken your advice and sent a bunch of her favorite flowers for delivery on saturday. I will just use the card that comes with the flowers and not mentioned mothers day just that I hoped she had a lovely day. I have decided also that I am not going to encourage my grown up kids to see her as i have in the past as I am now a gran myself and she never shows any interest in my kids/grandkids. Hope you all have a lovely week and thank you again for your valued advice.

Good strategy!

Grannyclomps Mon 08-Mar-21 14:28:27

Thank you for all of your lovely comments. My gran raised me and she passed away quite a while ago.. I do have some wonderful aunties who I will be eternally grateful to for being there for me and I do tell them that regularly. I hope you all have a wonderful day x

icanhandthemback Tue 09-Mar-21 13:18:17

I send a neutral card to my mother. Our relationship will always be coloured by her behaviour but she has been a constant in my life unlike my many fathers! For that I acknowledge her but I cannot bring myself to wax lyrical about qualities as a mother she doesn't have. I do love her good bits so sometimes I buy her a card without a greeting, write Happy Mothers Day and write, "Lots of Love".

songstress60 Sun 14-Mar-21 11:39:36

I would not send her anything. Caring has to be earned not demanded. My mother was awful too, and made a favourite of my middle sister who has just lambasted me for not putting a greeting on facebook for mothers day.

JMcD Sun 14-Mar-21 13:05:04

I have just found your post so apologises for this late response. Like you I do not have a mother/daughter relationship with my Mum. I was brought up by my Grandparents who were amazing. Like me my Mother was an only child and the relationship between me and particularly my Nan caused a great deal of jealousy. Despite numerous attempts to strike up some sort of relationship I have been slapped down. Unfortunately my daughters do not want to hear about her and she has never seen her 4 fantastic great grandchildren. I will never stop feeling guilty but at some point I must admit defeat to preserve my sanity!
Live your life as suits you and your close family. It is regrettable that not all Mums deserve our love and respect.

isla1 Mon 15-Mar-21 10:05:57

Mothers Day is a nice idea - but really just another commercial excuse to spend money. On top of it all - you then have this anticipation - and when it is not met you feel deflated. Bearing in mind what is going on in our world at the moment - who cares - let us all be well!!