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Alcoholism

(71 Posts)
GagaJo Tue 09-Mar-21 11:48:11

Anyone else on here ever married to an alcoholic?

I hold my hand up. I was. For 13 years. I tried to leave 3 times. Once after 3 years, once after 4 years and then not again until 13 years when he had sunk to a terrible depth.

And then I got into a relationship with another alcoholic. You really couldn't make it up.

FannyCornforth Tue 09-Mar-21 12:10:02

It's a common thing though, isn't it, to repeat behaviour in relationships.
Is there something about these men that have in common that attracts you to them? Or more possibly them to you, I suppose.
Are you okay?
thanks

Hithere Tue 09-Mar-21 12:14:16

So sorry to hear that. I am so glad you got out!

Urmstongran Tue 09-Mar-21 12:15:44

Oh Gaga that’s very sad. Where there no ‘red flags’ the second time around?

BigBertha1 Tue 09-Mar-21 12:22:43

Sadly my first husband was an alcoholic and died a few years ago. It was a very early marriage and I just thought all men went to the pub constantly. It only lasted 6 years though - couldn't stand it. Current DH (42 years) barely drinks at all.

GagaJo Tue 09-Mar-21 15:04:49

Oh yes, I am fine Fanny, thank you. Both were a long time ago.

Like BigBertha, I married young and didn't know any better. The second time I did, but... I think because I am introverted, I like people that are lively and outgoing. What I didn't realise for a long time, was that some are only lively and outgoing due to alcohol.

I have learned now though. The loss of all that useless weight was fabulous!

Ilovecheese Tue 09-Mar-21 15:10:22

I havn't been married to an alcoholic but have had several family members who were and one who still is. They do say there is an element of hereditary involved, I don't know if that is true. To be honest, even if I love them, my main emotion when dealing with them, or being in their company when they are on a bender is boredom.

tanith Tue 09-Mar-21 15:12:55

I was for 20yrs and I stayed 10 yrs too long, sadly he eventually died before pension age after 2 more marriages.

My second husband hardly drank but my experience of living with an alcoholic drove me to be teetotal from my 30s.

EllanVannin Tue 09-Mar-21 15:13:52

What a trying time you've had GagaJo. A tough road indeed, that you've managed to survive unscathed. Though at times, initially, it would have taken its toll, flashbacks etc.
Just sit back now and enjoy the freedom.

Shinamae Tue 09-Mar-21 15:17:47

I am a recovering alcoholic been,in recovery over 30 years. I did have my second son with an alcoholic who I left many many years ago, he has been in and out of treatment and he just doesn’t want to/can’t stop. Sometimes we alcoholics pursue it into the gates of insanity and death... I have been lucky to survive it...

Lucca Tue 09-Mar-21 15:21:09

Shinamae

I am a recovering alcoholic been,in recovery over 30 years. I did have my second son with an alcoholic who I left many many years ago, he has been in and out of treatment and he just doesn’t want to/can’t stop. Sometimes we alcoholics pursue it into the gates of insanity and death... I have been lucky to survive it...

Well done you 👏

Grannybags Tue 09-Mar-21 15:23:04

Well done Shinamae

tanith Tue 09-Mar-21 15:44:29

I take my hat off to you Shinamae well done.

GagaJo Tue 09-Mar-21 16:11:08

Congratulation Shinamae. I admire how long you have been in recovery. It is a hard road, I know.

Life itself is hard EV. We all have ups and downs. The good thing about my experience is that it totally put me of marriage, so I haven't made that mistake twice!

GagaJo Tue 09-Mar-21 16:11:21

OFF! Grrr

Sarnia Tue 09-Mar-21 16:57:45

My second husband became a chronic alcoholic. Respect to Shinamae who has conquered the demon drink. My husband would never face up to his addiction, far less do anything about it. The change in him from a loving, hard working husband and father to a stumbling bully, permanently drunk or hung over was the stuff of nightmares. I felt physically sick when I heard his key in the door because that meant walking on eggshells. The slightest thing would set him off on a rampage. After 3 years of this and his threats becoming more frightening I finally packed his bags and kicked him off to his drinking buddies. By this time I was scared of my children's safety and my own. I divorced him on the grounds of mental cruelty. Any addiction is an utter nightmare for not only the sufferer but for those around them. I really feel for any man, woman and child in that position.

Polarbear2 Tue 09-Mar-21 16:58:15

GagaJo

Oh yes, I am fine Fanny, thank you. Both were a long time ago.

Like BigBertha, I married young and didn't know any better. The second time I did, but... I think because I am introverted, I like people that are lively and outgoing. What I didn't realise for a long time, was that some are only lively and outgoing due to alcohol.

I have learned now though. The loss of all that useless weight was fabulous!

If you’ve ever watched Friends there was a character called ‘fun Bobby’. Excellent fun - except when he stopped drinking. 😕

Shinamae Tue 09-Mar-21 17:20:02

Sarnia

My second husband became a chronic alcoholic. Respect to Shinamae who has conquered the demon drink. My husband would never face up to his addiction, far less do anything about it. The change in him from a loving, hard working husband and father to a stumbling bully, permanently drunk or hung over was the stuff of nightmares. I felt physically sick when I heard his key in the door because that meant walking on eggshells. The slightest thing would set him off on a rampage. After 3 years of this and his threats becoming more frightening I finally packed his bags and kicked him off to his drinking buddies. By this time I was scared of my children's safety and my own. I divorced him on the grounds of mental cruelty. Any addiction is an utter nightmare for not only the sufferer but for those around them. I really feel for any man, woman and child in that position.

Total respect to you Sarnia for finding to the courage to leave this man. 💐💐.... many don’t and suffer years and years of terrible abuse. I identify with the walking on eggshells with my ex partner, my two children who were not his were also terrified to say wrong word and they were only seven and nine It chills me now to even think of it and What I and my two children went through I feel so guilty putting them through that and when we had a son at one point he came home drunk got hold of our son who was about one year old got in the car and said he was going to drive into a brick wall, I got my other two children out of the house and phoned the police this was way before mobile phones were popular. They came and arrested him he spent a night in the cells but then was home by 7 o’clock the next morning I was utterly terrified. Never mind that’s all in the past now and I am happy living on my own, well my son and girlfriend living with me at the moment but he was my last relationship...

Sarnia Wed 10-Mar-21 08:46:35

Shinamae. Thanks for your reply. I suspect, like me, you didn't realise just how awful it had become until it all stopped. Good luck in the future. thanks

Kate1949 Wed 10-Mar-21 10:41:05

Not married to but my father. A drunken, violent, abusive so called 'father'. My mother stayed as she had nowhere to go in those days.

Shinamae Wed 10-Mar-21 10:43:45

It’s tragic that so many suffer in silence

slightlyvixed Wed 10-Mar-21 10:45:34

Yes, but we reached our silver wedding. I stuck it out for the good times, and then very late we had a beautiful daughter. He blamed me for all his problems (not just the drinking), and after a couple of drink drive incidents, his parents and close friends seemed to blame me too. After losing his last business I was the sole breadwinner, and he was down the pub every afternoon and evening - 'good old xxx' to his pub mates. Eventually he'd told me he'd met someone else, laid down rules for staying married, e.g. my giving up working, but I was delighted as it gave me a way of splitting up without his continuing to control us. Well, that was helpful to me, if not anyone else!

songstress60 Wed 10-Mar-21 10:46:00

My mother was an alcoholic and really put my poor dad through it with her aggression and violence. I swore that if I ever met someone who was an addict I would walk out of the door. No I don't believe in "Stand By Your Man". Protect yourself. Don't let an addict drag you down.

Dee1012 Wed 10-Mar-21 10:49:22

Sarnia

My second husband became a chronic alcoholic. Respect to Shinamae who has conquered the demon drink. My husband would never face up to his addiction, far less do anything about it. The change in him from a loving, hard working husband and father to a stumbling bully, permanently drunk or hung over was the stuff of nightmares. I felt physically sick when I heard his key in the door because that meant walking on eggshells. The slightest thing would set him off on a rampage. After 3 years of this and his threats becoming more frightening I finally packed his bags and kicked him off to his drinking buddies. By this time I was scared of my children's safety and my own. I divorced him on the grounds of mental cruelty. Any addiction is an utter nightmare for not only the sufferer but for those around them. I really feel for any man, woman and child in that position.

I've lived through this too and it certainly left it's scars!

Without alcohol, he was a kind and funny man, with, a vicious, lying bully who destroyed anyone in his path.
He'd stop drinking for months and then create a situation which would make him turn to alcohol.
Eventually the gaps in between became shorter and shorter.
I can never forget one occasion after leaving him when he traced me to my new place of work, he stood outside screaming the most horrible abuse. I was utterly mortified...colleagues were wonderful.
He killed himself after leaving a letter blaming me for it all.

I do believe there's some truth in the hereditary argument, his mother was, I learnt later a heavy drinker and his brother died due to the effects of alcohol.

Annanan Wed 10-Mar-21 10:51:39

Not married to, but a close family member of mine is a functioning alcoholic (whatever that is). No one can mention it and the temper tantrums when you bring it up are awful. However one of the consequences is that I never ever drink. Heavy drinkers don’t realise how volatile they are and how unpleasant they are to be near.