Alcoholism

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deaneke

I have just finished reading The Hungry Ghosts..... it’s about addiction. It is a challenging read. There is no evidence that being an alcoholic is genetic but more learnt behaviour. There seems to be a strong link to deep trauma from childhood.

There should be more support for families and better education as well as no shame linked to this illness.

That is only one perspective. There is good evidence that there is a biological issue. The way in which people respond to dopamine release may have a role, but we are learning more all the time. Also, it does appear to run in families, with several relatives, raised in different environments having the ‘disease’. My husband (I posted about his problems above) had a very happy childhood and was dearly loved by his parents. His maternal uncle was an alcoholic. They only saw him occasionally.

An alcoholic in recovery does not touch any alcohol at all...

Yes, not dry at all

I have a friend who insists her husband is 'dry' now as he doesn't drink vodka anymore and only has one or two beers a day. I don't know much about alcoholism but I thought that alcoholics couldn't drink any alcohol once they had given up.

Both my parents were alcoholics, never knew my father to be anything else, my mother joined him by the time I was 10. Luckily I was an only child so no others had to see and endure what I did. I left home at the first opportunity (aged 17) My mother who, with drink, was vicious and violent towards me died at the age of 51 (chronic liver failure) my father lasted until he hit 70. I had always thought that the drink made my father the selfish, uncaring two faced man he was....sadly during one of his “dry” spells I suddenly realised that that was the man and drink was just an excuse for his behaviour. My husband found him dead in the disaster he called home lying on top of a whiskey bottle!

alcoholics who are in recovery 12 step programs long term are principled and reliable (more than most) alcoholism is a dis ease not a moral issue !

Yes for 23 years. When he assaulted me for the second time, after years of verbal abuse and me keeping him after he was made redundant, I called police. They phoned back late evening to say he would be in court in the morning, but out on bail by lunchtime. I phoned my best friend, sisters and Mum, packed bags for my 8 year old son and myself, then left a note saying "I have left , divorce action to follow". Divorce took a long time as he was on solicitor number 5 by the time divorce granted. Had to get sheriff's officers to throw him out and get house sold. Been happily remarried for 14 years.

Some very brave people on here sharing their private experiences of the misery of living with, or even more bravely, being an alcoholic. I have nothing to add but my admiration for your sharing of what was probably a private shame at the time. The comments about inherited tendency to alcoholism are interesting, I was astonished to read years ago that George Best's Mother became an alcoholic in late adulthood after a life with no indications or hints of alcohol abuse, in fact I think she became addicted to alcohol after her son did.

#gagajo I was married to a binge alcoholic and stuck it for 12 years. I just felt it was better for my children to be part of a family than not. It took me three attempts to leave but I left the day after he had me by the throat against a wall and the thought passed across my mind I may not get out alive. That was 33 years ago. It took me 25 years to meet someone I was able to trust and who wasn't an alcoholic. My ex husband sobered up but too late for us to maintain any semblance of a relationship.

I am married to a recovering alcoholic. Have been married for nearly 47 years. For the first 35 years we were both just social drinkers, but slowly without my noticing my husband started drinking more heavily and secretly! This came to a head when he was breatherlized when leaving work, and consequently arrested. This proved a wake up call, and he has since attended aa meetings must days. He has now been sober for a year, early days, but hopefully we can survive this. Since then I have become tea total too. He has no idea why his drinking escalated, or what the reason was, he also didn’t realise he was drinking that much! I love him to bits, but the sober version, I have realised I hated the drunken one, even though st the time I didn’t realise he was drunk!

I have just finished reading The Hungry Ghosts..... it’s about addiction. It is a challenging read. There is no evidence that being an alcoholic is genetic but more learnt behaviour. There seems to be a strong link to deep trauma from childhood.

There should be more support for families and better education as well as no shame linked to this illness.

Oh yes Ngaiol the charmer thing. My father was handsome and made sure he had nice clothes while my mother had to try to borrow money from neighbours to feed us at times.

I was married to a functioning alcoholic until he died of Oesophageal cancer. He was really Jekyll and Hyde - absolutely charming to people and no one he knew would appreciate how horrible he was to live with. He charmed me until after we married. He was a verbal bully and gradually controlled my life until I was not even able to choose my own newspaper! Now I am free, I realise how downtrodden I became. It is a gradual process and eats into one's soul. I am a real person again now and enjoying my life again. I can never forget what he did to my psyche and wish he had never crossed my path.

I want to mention here that Al Anon is available to help families affected by an alcholic. Especially at the moment during lockdown itcan be support that is online and non judgemental

I have a relative who married an alcoholic. It wasn’t apparent for a long time. The family was so pleased that she had married such a pleasant and talented man from a good background. She went through hell with him as he increasingly made her life a complete misery. She stuck with it until he died in agony from liver failure 4 years ago. She is now rebuilding her life. She has a new job and some new friends. No children as he refused to start a family. So cruel.

Ah Goldenage u took the words out of my mouth. My sister was an alcoholic she was in recovery for 11 yrs but sadly took her own life coming up to 5 yrs ago she just couldn’t cope any longer with the trauma she had been through as a child. She tried so hard to overcome it. My husband and I flew to Australia to arrange her funeral and empty off her flat it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I miss her greatly.
I feel for everyone who has lived/is living with abuse due to alcohol my childhood was blighted by it.

My loving, reliable husband became an alcoholic after over 20 years of happy marriage. I was so horrified that I hid it from my whole family. Kids had all left home and other rfamily lived a lot g way off. Life became very frightening often involving late night visits from the police. Eventually I left and later divorced him. My family never forgave me for abandoning such a 'wonderful husband'.

Daughter of a volient abusive alcoholic. My poor mother stayed with him because she had nowhere else to go. He is now 87 has dementia and remembers nothing ?

Yes Meryl Yes it affects us in different ways. Well done you for your attitude. I'm sure your dad suffered in the war.
Unfortunately in my case, I find life very frightening. I was scared every day of childhood. Frightened at home and frightened at school - Catholic nuns and priests etc. I am now scared of everything. I can't think of anything in my father's life which caused him to be like he was. He didn't go to war. His sisters and brother were kind and homely. He left the country of his birth at 16 and never contacted his parents again.
My aunts told me he broke their hearts.

I met husband no 1 when i was 16 and he was 36 i didn't realise he was constantly drunk until he sobered up 18 months into the relationship by then we wete married and had a baby. He even had vodka in his bottles of coke when i was given birth..
It was all my fault he drank of course. We had another baby when i was 19 the love was dissolving with the abuse. It became a constant cycle of stopping drinking then falling off the wagon.
I finally left for good when the kids were 5 and 3. He was hell i cannot stand even now to see a drunk staggering toward me. I loved him but he lived alcohol more than me and the kids.

Kate1949
It’s interesting how different we can turn out, isn’t it.
Like you my childhood was very violent. But there’s nothing or nobody that I’m frightened of ( except heights ?)
A psychologist could have a field day talking to the two of us.
Is it nature or nurture?
It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I found out what my father did in the war. He was a signalman on the Russian convoys aged just 19.
I knew nothing about this so read up on it. It gave me lots of answers to his violence.

My Stepfather was a Sea Captain and an alcoholic. When I first met him 30 years ago, he was lovely, very sociable and kind and was very good to my Mum. He was 12 years younger than she was and they lived in a very nice big house overlooking the sea. She travelled all over the world with him and had a wonderful life. The trouble really started when he retired, as the sea had been his life. He just sat watching television all day with a whisky in his hand and had no appetite at all. We all tried to encourage him to stop but he didn't want to and wouldn't try. Sadly he died last year and now my Mum is on her own at the age of 90.

I believe it’s genetic. Both my parents were alcoholics but my mother only from the age of 40.
Both my brother and sister are/were heavy drinkers.
I’ve often observed that we are very different ( even without the drink) Those 2 are very similar in character and I’m completely different to the 2 of them.

Violent alcoholics should never have children. We witnessed and experienced things growing up that no children should endure. We are all nervous wrecks and our brother didn't survive the trauma of his childhood.