Alcoholism

My husband is an alcoholic. He was from the beginning of our relationship 13 years ago, but as often is the case, I didn’t realise for a little while. In the early days he could sometimes stop for a couple of weeks and hide his resumption for a little while beyond that. Of course it a progressive disease and it became much worse about 3 years ago. He was essentially lost, I could no longer see my husband, just this horrible drunk thing that was killing itself. I reached the end and threw him out (the house is mine). Despite me always saying that I wouldn’t live with it beyond a certain point, this proved to be a shock to him. He told me later that he never really believed I would end our relationship. Thankfully, that was his rock bottom. He went into rehab for 3 months. He ‘graduated’ in October ‘19 and hasn’t looked back. We are both aware that he will always have a vulnerability. He has a completely differential attitude to himself and to alcohol though and I have every faith in him. We are happier now than we have ever been.

HA ..recognise this ! Having been married at 23 to a lovely man (or so it seemed ....despite warnings by his mum that he was a gambler !) ....long story short, he was a director of an Insurance broker in London ...earned a very good salary ....was all gone by the 2nd of the month after payday ....gambling on anything ...horses, greyhounds, card games ....I fortunately had a good job so paid all the bills and saved enough for a deposit on our first house. I even bought him a car (an old one, but it went ok !) .....he would then take stuff from the house (a coffee machine my brother bought as a wedding present for instance) and sell it to make money to gamble with. I was once asked by a local shop if I knew he had been in trying to sell a new car radio (cars had radios back then !! ha ha ) that I had bought him for Christmas ....got worse over the years,....when we had children I would find their toys had been sold, etc etc then his boss found out and paid his salary and bonuses to me .....great, until he started to lash out at me as I refused to give him money ...then he left and the most glorious thing was when the woman he left me for and subsequently married, phoned me one day and said 'Why didn't you tell me he was a gambler'...like I would ! Then I was 13 years with a womaniser ....and then I married an alcoholic ...he was 15 years older than me, and a widower ....even his mother warned me about his drinking, as did his daughter .....and when I found an entry in his old address book of AA I asked his daughter if he had joined ...she said, No that was mother ...she joined the support group for people with alcoholic partners .....he did not get aggressive just very drunk and fell over things but he spent a fortune on whisky, wine, beer whatever he could get his hands on ..... in the end he died aged 86 from Parkinsons, which our doctor said could sometimes be alcohol related....................out of interest, I drink nothing but sparkling water, never have gambled and there will NEVER be another MAN ...........

11 years married to one, 8 of those being horrendous. I married very young and certainly lived to regret it. I had 3 young DC witnessing his outbursts and aggression and even though I went to AA with him he could never abstain. He would never leave and when the house was eventually sold the buyers went in one evening to find him sleeping on the floor! I had managed to leave prior to the house being sold when I found somewhere to rent with the DC and when the mental abuse turned physical. He was an intelligent man with his own business that eventually collapsed due to his addiction. I wouldn’t wish that life on my worst enemy. He died through his drinking just before he hit 50. Happily married now to DH of 39 years and love him to bits. Second chances do happen- perhaps 3rd time lucky for you Gagajo ?!

My mother was an alcoholic and she died through drink at the age of 61. My younger sister has followed in her footsteps . Mom wasn't abusive but gosh my sister was evil . I never spoke to my sister for years Then I got in touch with her one day as she's the only sister and we used to speak every week . I received a phone call from her husband 5 years ago to say she was in hospital I went to see 2 days before we were going on holiday I didn't expect her to still be here when we returned She was but in intensive care the drink had destroyed all the nerves in her legs so she could no longer walk And she'd developed pneumonia. But again she pulled through She spent 5 months in hospital . No drink so thought well on way to recovery How wrong I was Two days out of hospital and back on the drink . Went through the next 4 months of phone calls all day all night Police ringing as she'd attacked her husband So abusive to me and her language awful In the end it was effecting my health and my job so once again I severed all ties So sad really. She wouldn't even allow her husband to have contact. I Just hope when if it hasn't happened already her death Her husband let's ne know .

First husband was borderline alcoholic. Fortunately he went off with another woman and spared me the problems of extricating myself from the mentally abusive marriage. Don’t know what he’s like now. His father blamed me for the marriage break up but he drank excessively too. Is there an hereditary link to ‘drug dependency’?

Not married to an alcoholic, but have a few good friends who were and / or had drinkers in the family (some of whom are now dead). They are all much happier now, some in successful long term relationships but it amazes me how common this is and how devious this addiction can make people.
Hope you have found peace in your life now.

My late husband was a functioning alcoholic. We were married for almost 41 years, 25 of those years he lived for the next drink. Life was very difficult but, like many others, I thought that by supporting him, I could cure him of his addiction. The verbal abuse was hard to live with but he was never physically abusive.
He was diagnosed with mouth cancer and died within 11 months. His heavy drinking and smoking were the cause of the disease.

My father was an alcoholic till the day he died. He was fab when not drinking but as soon as he started it went on for ages. As children we did not speak about it but tried our best to look out for our mum who bore the brunt of his habit. He was the cause of our mums early death, the man who ruined every Christmas as he was a Scot and New Year was always hell, he sold anything of value. Ended up as a tramp sleeping rough. Never once said sorry to his wife and 5 children. Do not stay with an alcoholic, they can be devious.

I am married to a recovering alcoholic - the problem started in connection with a period of unemployment long after we met.

I made it clear that I was willing to help him conquer the demon drink, but not to continue living with him if he continued to drink.

It has been a long haul and hard on us both, but worth it as some alcoholics can recover to the extent of avoiding drink because they know it will suck them in again.

My brother was an alcoholic. Died a lonely death of malnutrition in a Spanish hospital. It is not easy. You want to help them but they have to want to do it themselves. I was just glad that when I last spoke to him on the phone that I told him I loved him and for the first time in his adult life he told me he loved me too. I am crying typing this because it is such a waste of life which neither I nor my other brother will ever get over.

HY. thank you for expressing your time u had married to an alcoholic. I too was living with my alcoholic husband for a terrible 26 yrs. 4 children. I was terrified of him all day and every day, but had no where to go with my children. My father and sister were alcoholics, so I suppose I was drawn to them. He eventually killed himself with alcohol. his family still blame me. I have never touched an alcoholic drink all my life. Feel I will never be free of his legacy,. and still have anxiety problems around men and drink.

Me too Margaret. I do have sympathy for those struggling with it, but I can't help. I just go into flight response.

Kate1949

Not married to but my father. A drunken, violent, abusive so called 'father'. My mother stayed as she had nowhere to go in those days.

Me too Kate. My brother followed in his footsteps. I am teetotal, but even now,at 83, if I see a drunk anywhere the old fear clutches at me. My mother had nowhere to go either.

I too am a recovering alcoholic of 24 years. I Can’t imagine the pain I put my ex husband through in the final 10 years of binge drinking. I was with him for 25 years and we divorced. After 2 years I found Alcoholics Anonymous which saved my life. I met my now husband in AA and we have been happily married for 20 years. We have lots of fun going out and enjoying ourselves but without the alcohol it doesn’t enter our lives now. My absolute biggest regret is that I never got the chance to make amends to my ex husband as he died after having a stroke whilst driving at the age of 53.

As a psychotherapist I have many clients who have been touched in some way by living with the alcoholism of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. Alcoholism is so far-reaching in the damage it can do and can totally wreck the lives of those who have to bear the brunt of it. However, whilst alcoholism is indeed a huge problem for those in its grip however that may be, it is only a symptom of something deeper, some trauma left hidden - and it's attending to that trauma that will bring a willingness to change. So glad to see that this thread has been really positive and understanding of the strength of character shown by people who have battled/are battling with alcoholism. At the same time so sad to see that there's a voice in society that can only ever criticise alcoholics.

omega1

I was married to a violent alcoholic for 37 years and didn't realise what the problem was He always blamed me for everything. I just thought all men drank. I am introverted too and like lively outgoing people. Too scared to leave, to scared to stay. Luckily he hit rock bottom and stopped drinking. He is a different man now, kind, caring, spoils me to death as he is making amends to me and the children. I go to Alanon a support group for friends and families of alcoholics. It takes a lot of work from both of us but he has been sober for 17 years now and is much quieter and very responsible.

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omegal so pleased for you and your husband.

Two brothers, a sister a close friend and my first husband were alcoholics. None of them was abusive. They were all lovely people, most of whom just couldn't conquer the addiction. Three died before they were sixty. I had to leave my husband. I just couldn't cope any linger after he almost burnt the house down. He is now married to another alcoholic.
One brother is alcohol free a long time and still counts the days since he last had a drink. But his health is badly affected.
Alcoholism is such an awful disease. Its very sad.

Not married to but have a son who has struggled for the last 5 years. It’s cost him his marriage and his job and has limited his contact with his children. Hopefully he’s on the upward path now but I’m very aware that it’s easy to start drinking again. He’s had a lot of support from family and friends and from outside agencies which he appreciates I think.

Yes, Dee1012, my ex husband had a big family history of alcoholism. His mum and dad had been alcoholics but were both in recovery when I met them, until their deaths. He had an uncle who was an alcoholic. I was once with my MiL, Mother and my daughter and we walked past a wooded area, a little glade. My daughter piped up, "Look, there's uncle X!" My poor MiL was mortified. Uncle X was sitting with a group of drunken homeless men, day drinking.

I was married to a violent alcoholic for 37 years and didn't realise what the problem was He always blamed me for everything. I just thought all men drank. I am introverted too and like lively outgoing people. Too scared to leave, to scared to stay. Luckily he hit rock bottom and stopped drinking. He is a different man now, kind, caring, spoils me to death as he is making amends to me and the children. I go to Alanon a support group for friends and families of alcoholics. It takes a lot of work from both of us but he has been sober for 17 years now and is much quieter and very responsible.

I have every respect for those who can steer clear of the " demon drink ".Well done those of you who've survived the perils of it.

Not married to, but a close family member of mine is a functioning alcoholic (whatever that is). No one can mention it and the temper tantrums when you bring it up are awful. However one of the consequences is that I never ever drink. Heavy drinkers don’t realise how volatile they are and how unpleasant they are to be near.

Sarnia

My second husband became a chronic alcoholic. Respect to Shinamae who has conquered the demon drink. My husband would never face up to his addiction, far less do anything about it. The change in him from a loving, hard working husband and father to a stumbling bully, permanently drunk or hung over was the stuff of nightmares. I felt physically sick when I heard his key in the door because that meant walking on eggshells. The slightest thing would set him off on a rampage. After 3 years of this and his threats becoming more frightening I finally packed his bags and kicked him off to his drinking buddies. By this time I was scared of my children's safety and my own. I divorced him on the grounds of mental cruelty. Any addiction is an utter nightmare for not only the sufferer but for those around them. I really feel for any man, woman and child in that position.

I've lived through this too and it certainly left it's scars!

Without alcohol, he was a kind and funny man, with, a vicious, lying bully who destroyed anyone in his path.
He'd stop drinking for months and then create a situation which would make him turn to alcohol.
Eventually the gaps in between became shorter and shorter.
I can never forget one occasion after leaving him when he traced me to my new place of work, he stood outside screaming the most horrible abuse. I was utterly mortified...colleagues were wonderful.
He killed himself after leaving a letter blaming me for it all.

I do believe there's some truth in the hereditary argument, his mother was, I learnt later a heavy drinker and his brother died due to the effects of alcohol.

My mother was an alcoholic and really put my poor dad through it with her aggression and violence. I swore that if I ever met someone who was an addict I would walk out of the door. No I don't believe in "Stand By Your Man". Protect yourself. Don't let an addict drag you down.