Being cut off?

Its can be a difficult one. My ex DIL and GSs live in Thailand and are still in close contact several years after the divorce. Until Covid they were here in summer hols and Christmas, very much part of the family with my siblings, their kids etc. I feel our relationship is as strong as ever. We’ve even met her new partner, at their insistence. He’s lovely. How long will it last? Who knows. But once we can travel again we will be together, here or there. Must add Im not “friends” with her on any social media sites as shes entitled to her privacy, as am I. Just enjoying it whilst I can.

Keeping you involved in your GCs life is your son’s responsibility, not hers.

I was dreadfully upset when my son's marriage broke up, obviously upset for my son, but my Dil was absolutely lovely and we were great friends and I miss her very much. But she caused the break up so my loyalty is absolutely with my son. But Dil and I do text now and then, with my son's blessing.
Their children are young adults and they keep in touch with me and I'll see them when lockdown ends.
It's almost been like a bereavement really.

When I divorced several years ago I didn’t expect my ex MIL to stay in touch really as the GC were young adults. She did, as did 2 of her other sons, and they were happy to accept my new husband when he came along. I was very lucky I think. My D is now divorced and although she left the family home with the children due to abuse, her in laws continue to abuse her verbally when she drops the children off at their house - ex is living there at the moment - and are rude about her to her sons. That’s despicable in my view.

My daughter in law stopped my Son seeing his daughter which means I do not see my Grand daughter I send Cards but nothing back

I had an acrimonious divorce with my daughter’s father even though I asked for nothing from him. He constantly put girlfriends underneath my nose and did such stupid things to cause problems. My ex mil doted on my daughter so l maintained contact with ex mil directly. I had to put my grievances with my ex husband aside and sometimes it was difficult not to take it out on my ex mil because she wouldn’t have a thing said against her son. But over the years the relationship between us deepened into a lovely friendship.
Even when l remarried she became a regular visitor to our home. When my second marriage ended she was there for me with her kind support giving no opinions just listening to me.
My ex mil was always there for all of us.
She came to stay with me even when my daughter was at boarding school. We had a relationship between us as well as her being my daughter’s grandma. We had things that we did that we kind of made our own little traditions like always having a Christmas shopping trip together, going for a special lunch around Mother’s Day, her staying over Christmas when my own parents were at my brothers.
Eventually as she got older and gave up driving we were still close and would still do our things but l would drive to her.
We had some lovely holidays together involving me taking her on flights to join my daughter.
She died two years ago and l think of her every day. I miss her so much because she was not only my daughter’s grandma she was my very dear friend and I was grateful that we had our own friendship.
It was her in the beginning initiated visits it was her that never forgot my birthday or my other children’s birthday’s. It was her that mostly always called me. It was her that worked very hard to keep me onside and eventually developed a “lm not giving up” attitude.
I soon got the idea that this woman was never going away and l loved her because of it.
Don’t give up contacting your ex dil even if she’s a little off. Unless she specifically tells you not to, persist , never argue with her, always be kind and you never know what wonderful things may develop.

I was very close to my ex MIL but on facebook she put a comment about my new wedding photo which she thought was a message to someone it wasn't very pleasant and also said she had to be in her son's side as blood is thicker than water. Told me really where i stand. Her vile son doesn't talk to her now he has a new woman to serve his needs.
So maybe as an ex MIL you may have inadvertently insulted ex-DIL or sent signals that you aren't neutral that you are unaware of.

Is it possible she has just left Facebook in preference for some of the other platforms?

I kept in touch with my imlaws, in fact when I left my husband for the summer one year I went to stay with her. My husband was as mad a hell, he said if you leave me you need to go and stay with your mother not mine. But my mil always made me most welcome and even when I remarried I still went to see her and take her out to lunch, along with new Mr Barmey.

yep, you are cut off. everything is thru your son now. dont complain. it wont go over well. dont get in the middle. just be grateful for what you have and go through your son.

Give her some space. I'm sure she's going through all sorts of emotions due to the recent divorce. In time, she might realize how valuable you were to her and might resume your connection. In the meantime, fill the empty space with some other thing you love!

When I divorced my ex I didn't bother with my MIL again, we had no children so didn't feel the need. I had to do everything for her and I'm sure she would of thought I still would, so was glad in a way. Anyway, I often thought that if he remarried I'm sure his new wife would not of been happy me still on the scene anyway.

Sadly my son died 11 years ago. He was married with 2 children aged 5 and 3.
My DIL Ade it really difficult for us to see the children, and after 6 months my son’s best man left his wife and 3 month old baby to move in with her. They are now married and the children are 17 and 15, and I haven’t seen them for 10 years.
The thing is, when I insisted on seeing them, my GD watched me and her Mum, like watching tennis. She obviously felt really awkward so I stopped fighting it in the end, for the childrens’ sakes. I’m hoping that one day they will come and find me. I see pictures of them through a friend who is on FB but that’s all. So sad.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jen67patte

Hi all... I’m not actually sure if my ex daughter in law is cutting me off surreptitiously!!... I’m not mad on social media but do look at it to keep up with my GS etc. Recently what used to be a constant stream of daily posts from her have disappeared!!... also she never answers my FaceTime calls always either txt an excuse or just ignoring me completely.
To my face she is all smiles!
Btw, the divorce has just been finalised and is pretty amicable so I’m a bit surprised but maybe naive?

Jen67patte - I've noticed with Facebook that, when I've not looked at somebody's posts for a couple of days, their notifications stop showing up in my Daily Feed. I'm not sure if it's something to do with my Settings - but please double-check before assuming that she is trying to 'cut you off'.

I hope you can both find a 'new way forward' with your relationship. If there's grandchildren involved, I'm sure they'd love to see you with their mum occasionally, even if they see you with their dad.

I didn’t keep in touch with my MIL after we divorced as she caused many problems in our marriage, but her son would still take her GC to see her regularly, maybe she just feels she wants to get on with her life now a new start, but I do think it’s down to your son to keep you in your GC life and not necessarily your ex DIL , hope things go well for you

maybe its cut off time .divorced from you and every body

I think now it is up to your son to keep you up to date with your GS's activities, photos etc and he alone must take responsibility and be held responsible for this if this doesn't happen, after all she is no longer a member of your family. Sadly this seems to happen so often. If it were me I would still try to keep in touch with her and not cut her out of your life as she is the mother of your GS and the last thing you want is any animosity.

I was in the position of the ex daughter in law. My father in law phoned once when I was out and left a message. I didn't phone back as it was a horrible break up and I was struggling. My ex then held that against me and was vile so I never contacted his parents. I was sorry because I liked his dad but it wasn't my responsibility to maintain that relationship. My ex never took the children to visit his parents and blamed me. There was such bad feeling. You don't know if maybe your son has asked her to remove you.

I had the opposite experience, when I discovered my ex was having an affair and threw him out, his family cut off all contact with myself and 3 children. I tried to keep up contact, getting the DC to call them, they were always on way out. I took the DC to their house with Christmas presents the 1st year and they had nothing for my children but lots of presents under the tree for other gc. They had even replaced my picture with ex with one of him and new gf! That was the last straw, I wasn't going to let them hurt my children's feelings again.

Thankyou all so much for advice and options. Had helped me put perspective on the situation ?

Write her a nice letter telling her you miss them, asking if you can keep in contact with the children, e.g. write letters cards or send small gifts, also ask if you can take them out for lunch and or to the park for a picnic etc. If all this fails, start a small savings account and write cards to the children and leave them in your will. Good Luck and Take Care, it hurts I know, alternative you can seek legal advise, grand parents have rights also!

I would concentrate purely on your son arranging you to see your grandchildren, especially if the relationship between your son and his ex is not amicable. Also, I believe a lot would depend on the type of relationship you did have with your sons’s ex before they split. Good luck ?

* I always saw my DiL as a friend and, even now that she is my ex DiL, we are still friends. She sent me a mother's day card last week. Need I say more*

How does this help the OP? What advice could you give her, in the light of your lovely relationship with your ex DIL, that might help her to navigate the less lovely situation in which she finds herself with her ex DIL?