Gransnet forums


Being cut off?

(51 Posts)
Jen67patte Thu 18-Mar-21 10:45:28

Hi all... I’m not actually sure if my ex daughter in law is cutting me off surreptitiously!!... I’m not mad on social media but do look at it to keep up with my GS etc. Recently what used to be a constant stream of daily posts from her have disappeared!!... also she never answers my FaceTime calls always either txt an excuse or just ignoring me completely.
To my face she is all smiles!
Btw, the divorce has just been finalised and is pretty amicable so I’m a bit surprised but maybe naive?

Peasblossom Thu 18-Mar-21 10:53:05

I guess you just don’t have any particular significance in her life any more. You were only incidentally part of it because she was married to your son? Now that relationship is ended that’s a chapter closed, an occasional text is as much contact as she wants.

Do you have regular contact with your grandchildren?

Hithere Thu 18-Mar-21 10:57:52

Maybe your son can keep you up on pictures of your GS?

It is common, in a divorce, for the former IL to branch away from the political family.

SM is also a touchy subject. It is her page and it is her right to monitor who has access to it.
What if she meets somebody else, for example, and wants to keep her new life more private?

I am glad you have a good relationship with her, dont let this change it

Jen67patte Thu 18-Mar-21 10:59:37

Yes when not in LD we do see them regularly via our son

NanaandGrampy Thu 18-Mar-21 11:04:02

Just a thought but recently FB has changed lots of their algorithms which manage what posts you see. If you click on a post from your DiL - ( I think its the 3 dots in the corner) you can whether you want to see all posts, no posts or just highlights.

Peasblossom Thu 18-Mar-21 11:04:23

I think that’s probably all you can expect. Try not to take it too personally.

After my husband died my in-laws didn’t want any contact with me, other than a birthday and Christmas card. They maintained very good, loving relationships with their grandchildren though 🙂

Jen67patte Thu 18-Mar-21 11:35:18

Thankyou I’ll have a look!

jaylucy Sat 20-Mar-21 10:40:41

I must admit that when I divorced, I didn't want any connection with most of my ex's family!
There were certain members that took sides.
I mainly only kept in contact with my MiL because of my son and after a few years, any letter or parcel I sent got returned anyway- she even cut off contact with her own daughter for several years!
Your DiL is moving on into a different time in her life and maybe she feels that if only at the moment, she can cope better with no reminders of her ex.
Suggest that you email/text/ write her a letter and tell her that even though she is no longer married to your son, you would still like to keep in contact with her as a friend, not just as his mother . Sorry, but the Facebook thing just sounds as if you are stalking her! She may have a very good reason why she no longer wishes you to see her posts.

Lyndie Sat 20-Mar-21 10:44:00

This happened to me. I tried to keep in contact with my DIL after my son left her. Checking how she was etc. but in the end she stopped replying, so I gave up also. She is in another relationship now. I see my grandsons through my Son. So nothing has changed on that front. Life moves on. My son is happier and I assume my DIL is too. Divorce isn’t final yet.

piano0156 Sat 20-Mar-21 10:47:46

Sounds like she wants to move with her life and not let you know what she's doing.

timetogo2016 Sat 20-Mar-21 10:59:03

She may think you dont want anything to do with her now.
Maybe you coud tell her that she is always welcome regardless of the divorse as she`s been a part of the family for a good while.

GrannyBel Sat 20-Mar-21 11:01:36

I am an ex daughter in law of many years standing. I can really understand she may not want you in seeing her every move on social media. She probably doesn’t want anyone to see it all. But she may also be wondering if you want to cut her off. If you have a relationship worth keeping then the thing is to acknowledge that and talk about how you will maintain that. I visit my ex mil regularly stating usually 5 days and filling the freezer mornings and taking her out inbreeding car afternoons.

GrannyBel Sat 20-Mar-21 11:03:24

I hate predictive text
I tak her out for a drive inn the car
She is 100 now and I am neee are nearly 70
Divorce was 2006

Daisymae Sat 20-Mar-21 11:04:33

I have managed to keep in touch with my ex DIL. Obviously difficult to negotiate at first but as she's friendly when she see you I would assume the best. Play it by ear, I wouldn't make too much of the social media contact.

Shirlb Sat 20-Mar-21 11:34:42

Think that’s normal same for us both daughter in law are more into their sides of the family ☹️Hardly see son’s unless they want something 🙄

JaneJudge Sat 20-Mar-21 11:38:11

People use facebook differently and I really wouldn't read anything into it at all. Maybe she feels uncomfortable you being on there now, it doesn't mean she doesn't like or doesn't want to correspond with you any longer. Ring her occasionally and ask how they, that is far more normal within our families tbh. I have no family at all on my facebook but I email and phone and send cards etc which I suppose is old school but I prefer it that way

Nannashirlz Sat 20-Mar-21 11:46:25

Hi yes that’s what happens I’m afraid. I had a brilliant relationship with my ex daughter inlaw when they were married. once divorced happened she turned off all contact with me. But that also had something to do with her then bf now husband. I did ask if I could have my granddaughter for overnight visits. Holidays etc like I did when married but her reply was you will have to do that when she’s with your son. I can’t take away his time with his daughter So now I get to see my granddaughter when she is with my son sometimes. She has just turned 10.I can video chat with her. When she’s at home and I send her a parcel and letter once a month. I’m getting used to seeing her when I can. It was hard at first but you get used to it. Unfortunately that’s what happens to being the mum of sons. So my message would be enjoy your time with your grandkids when you can but unfortunately life goes on and ppls life’s change. Not easy being a grandparent is it 🤗

red1 Sat 20-Mar-21 11:52:53

i kept in touch with my ex inlaws for some years, but on both sides eventually drifted way. do i miss them now? not at all.
they are a part of my history.

Lizbethann55 Sat 20-Mar-21 12:07:44

I can't offer any help with the Facetime, but if you were friends on Facebook you can check your list of friends to see if she has "defriended" you.

annodomini Sat 20-Mar-21 12:20:39

I always saw my DiL as a friend and, even now that she is my ex DiL, we are still friends. She sent me a mother's day card last week. Need I say more?

Jane43 Sat 20-Mar-21 12:21:59

We were cut off from our ex daughter-in-law when she no longer needed child care, of which I did a lot, and even more so when she remarried. I thought we had a good relationship, in fact she was always telling people we did but it became apparent that we didn’t. If you can keep up contact with your grandchildren via your son then don't worry about it, people and relationships change, especially when new partners come on the scene.

Unigran4 Sat 20-Mar-21 12:22:24

I had the opposite with my in-laws. They were so angry with their son (my ex) for walking out, that they offered unlimited help to me.

They lived on the coast and gave my girls wonderful holidays, one at a time so that they could have individual and individual attention.

We were in close contact right up until their deaths and my girls knew the joys of having grandparents who loved them.

cupcake1 Sat 20-Mar-21 12:22:28

My ex DIL was extremely friendly when her and DS divorced I even went to stay and look after her and 2 DGD’s when a life threatening disease was diagnosed. She was grateful and said she didn’t know what she’d have done without me. As soon as 2nd husband came on the scene I was ignored no communication, birthday/Christmas cards etc. DGD’s are young adults now so we see each other (pre covid) and FaceTime and text. Haven’t and won’t lose any sleep over it, she’s history now!

Unigran4 Sat 20-Mar-21 12:23:12

That should be individual and undivided

Notright Sat 20-Mar-21 12:24:53

Maybe she just feels a bit pressurised with the divorce etc. Especially if she has children. Perhaps you could send an email saying you hope she's managing OK, and you don't want to lose touch with her just because she's divorcing your son especially if there are grandchildren. Just let her know you'd love to hear from her when she has the time.
She will be looking for a new life and at some point she will pull away. (Again definitely if they have no children.)