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Is my mother a Narcissist?

(18 Posts)
Unwanted Sat 20-Mar-21 13:29:52

Sorry to ask but l am hoping that someone may be able to help me put this in perspective.

All my life l have always felt that l was in the wrong family and l even used to think my life was someone's dream and when l went to sleep they lived their real life and one day my real family will come and take me home (honest).

Well unfortunately they are my real family but l just don't belong as l am not like them. This is my life.

My mum had her first child at 20 then her husband died and he went to live with his grandmother. Then she went on to marry someone else and have 3 more children - a girl and 2 boys then she left her husband and her children some time between June when her last son was born and Jan/Feb when she must have met my Dad as l was born the following Oct about 15 months after she had my 3rd half brother. They story l was told that she then brought her daughter and 2 sons from her 2nd marriage home when my Dad was at work - her 2nd husband had put them into care because he couldn't work and look after them (my Dad always said she had never told him about these children and l believe him because why would he lie - he wasn't like her). Then for some reason she put her youngest son up for adoption without telling anyone including my Dad and made up some story as to why he was no longer living with us (my Dad never really got an answer as to what really happened she just said he had to go away and that was that) and 3 1/2 years later she had my sister and l always thought there were 4 children because my half sister was told in no uncertain terms never to mention her youngest brother so l never knew.

My Mum and sister always had a very difficult relationship and my Mum was always nasty to her and l often so her get a slap for nothing but being a child l really didn't understand what was happening. As soon as she could she met someone and left home and then eventually moved to the other side of the world to get away from my Mum.

My Mum also turned my poor Dad into an alcoholic just so that he didn't have to be in the same house as her and over the years he walked out but always came back after a few weeks. I guess she had some hold over her and maybe he was afraid of what she you do to myself and my sister as we were his children so perhaps that was why he couldn't leave but when l was 16 he left for the last time and never came back and they got a divorce and for a few years l didn't know where he was but my half brother and sister knew where he was but refused to tell me probably so they could have some hold over me. Then 2 years later my sister got pregnant on purpose at least that is what she has always said and was sent to live with her boyfriend and his parents. We have never been close as she is very much like my Mum and is hard to get close to and loves nothing better than causing trouble just like my half brother who lived with us. For some reason my sister and half brother are very close and love nothing better than causing trouble even though they are the golden children. Half brother turned his mother and myself away from his last wedding (he too has been married a few times like her) and it was my sister who took the pleasure of coming over to the car in the registry office carpark and tell us we were not welcome which was fine with me. Half brother then sent a letter from a solicitor telling Mum to stay away from them all including my sister and she was upset but we tried our best to help her through it. Fast forward a few years and they are both back in the fold as if nothing is wrong and it was all forgotten. They have had lots of times when they have fallen out and not spoken to each other l have lost count.

Then my Dad became ill and by this time my sister had stopped all contact with him so when he asked us not to tell anyone about his illness we agreed because it was his choice. My Mum then asked my husband about my Dad and when he said my Dad didn't want anyone to to know but if my sister would like to call me if she wanted to know that would be ok. Because he wouldn't tell her there and then my Mum decided to cut us off and told everyone we wouldn't tell my sister about her Dad and after all she had a right to know. My sister never called and to be honest she couldn't care less and told me so when he died. This fall out lasted 5 years and my Mum even sold her house and moved to the north of the country near her sister who she often bad mouthed so don't know why she did this but guess it was so she could get away from us even though we had kept away from her just like she asked.

Then after 5 years she got in contact and like a fool l let her back into our lives and now it has happened again. Last year my OH took her shopping every week during lockdown and my sister did nothing. She kept saying we were Mum's bubble or covid was rife in the supermarket where she worked and any other excuse she could use. So we did everything because she was my Mum. She wasn't speaking to my half brother during this time another fall out about who knows what but my sister and him are as close as can be so she would have been keeping him upto date with what was happening but still keeping her hands clean. Then in Jan Mum was rushed into hospital with a mini stroke and only made a full recovery because of our fast thinking and getting to her quickly and calling an ambulance because my SD called us in a panic. I stayed at her house and took care of him because he had dementia and l thought it was best to keep him in his own home rather than put him in a home like my Mum said l should have done. The day we picked her up from hospital she barely spoke to us and when she got home she looked and my SD and he looked at her and they didn't say anything to each other then she started shouting that she couldn't find her phone and she finally found it in her back along with half a packet of crisps which she pulled out and started eating. We made sure they were fine and didn't need anything and left saying we would be back the next day to do any shopping she needed and if she needed anything to call. She was going to get help at home several times a day so we didn't need to stay.

I rang her the next day to check everything was ok and she just started yelling at me. She said her husband had been lonely and hadn't had anyone to talk to - l was there all day and my OH came over every evening for dinner and stayed until SD went to bed so how was he lonely. They barely speak to each other. Then said l should have put him in a home and then accused me of taking her things - no idea where that came from so l hung up. She then rang a few days later and my OH answered and she had a go at him saying he took her things and he was only married to me and was nothing to her and he stood upto her and said none of it was true. She then rang screaming again we had taken her things and she had been in contact with the police and they had told her to make a list to which l said you have to do what is right. Then l blocked her so she couldn't call us. So she got my sister to contact me and say l needed to call her and it was urgent. That was last weekend and l finally called her on Wednesday after many sleepless nights and feeling sick but l just wanted to get it over with so l called. She only wanted another go and to tell me that she had seen her solicitor and that he had told her to tell me that it would be best that we no longer contacted each other anymore and if that was ok with me that would be best. I just said fine. I then asked her what it was that we/l did and her reply was I think it would be best if we didn't talk about it anymore so l just hung up.

Today l had to drop some paperwork off to her that she had asked us to look after (funeral plans) so l again asked her what we had done and first she said l had stopped contacting her and tried to say it was my fault and when l stood up and said No you were the one who rang me slagging me off for taking her things and making out l stole things she changed her story and said my OH had tried to take over and when l said he took you shopping every week she said I didn't want him to which is a lie so l said All you had to do was say you didn't need him to take you to which she said I did in the - another lie because she never said anything and he stopped taking her because she no longer needed to shield and could go on her own as lockdown had ended. I just walked away and forgot to hand her the papers so my OH took them and she tried to tell him that he had no right to tell me that she had been calling and slagging me off - so in fact she used my words to attack him and try and say that he was responsible for telling me stories about her.

I will not been contacting her again and need to regain my life. I know it is going to be hard because l have always tried to do the right thing and never cause her any trouble and this is the way she treats me and she has making me ill. I am so stressed l have had to take time of work but now l have to try and get on with my life without her.

Thanks for listening and l am sorry for the long post.

Newatthis Sat 20-Mar-21 18:21:28

OMG - I would abandon ship and find a new life. I am not sure how old you are but do you really want this hassle for the rest of your life. Life is too short. You will feel guilty for a while but it will pass and before you know it you will breathe out a breath of fresh air and realise you made the right decision.

welbeck Sat 20-Mar-21 18:52:26

dr les carter, on youtube, is very good on narcissism.

Smileless2012 Sat 20-Mar-21 20:22:03

Whether or not she's a narcissist you need to move on with your life and do the right thing for you and your future happiness.

sodapop Sat 20-Mar-21 20:34:58

I agree with Smileless move on with your life and look after yourself. Don't get caught up with all the narcissism stuff, too many amateur psychologists out there.

Tangerine Sat 20-Mar-21 21:04:47

I have no idea about whether she is a narcissist but I think she has treated you terribly.

It is no excuse but do you think the reason is that she has also had a traumatic childhood?

Look after yourself and try to get on with your life either without her or with minimal contact.

SecondhandRose Sat 20-Mar-21 21:16:25

Goodness. You put up with all this nonsense? It sounds like your mother has the start of dementia. Obviously I could well be wrong.

Why do you think it is OK to be someone’s verbal punchbag? Move away from this horrible situation. Make it on your terms. Not hers. If she is rude tell her you’ll speak to her when she isn’t and put the phone down. I would also suggest you seek some counselling.

SecondhandRose Sat 20-Mar-21 21:17:31

I would also suggest you change your username. Sending a hug.

Madgran77 Sun 21-Mar-21 11:07:56

I agree that you need to move on with your life. I would also suggest that you get some counselling to work through all the stuff that has happened to you and put that in the past, reframe the future flowers

Unwanted Sun 21-Mar-21 14:27:59

Thank you everyone. So at the age of 55 l have decided that l can't take it anymore and told her yesterday that l am stepping away because of her nasty calls. She did have to have the last word as l walked away that my OH had no right to tell me that she had been calling and saying nasty things again me. She called and spoke to me every time so guess she just had to blame someone else and she also said he was trouble from day one. It was only at Christmas she was telling her sisters that he was like a son to her and now she tells me he was trouble from day one.

I know it will be hard as l have been her punchbag all these years and have never been one to do things without considering her. For years we had thought about moving and she always talked us out of so perhaps it is now time to look further away to maybe start again without her in the background.

I think she may now be beginning to show signs of dementia but it is up to my sister and half brother to look after her now instead of me. Not sure how long that will last this time because they are all too much alike and someone has to be top dog. Am sure they will fight it out.

Many thanks for all your replies. Time for new beginnings smile

Unwanted Mon 22-Mar-21 14:09:17

welbeck

dr les carter, on youtube, is very good on narcissism.

Thank you so much for this. So much of what he says relates to most of my life. It got me to thinking and talking things through with my OH that my mother never owns anything she says it is always someone else's fault and never hers. She plays the blame game but is never to blame.

SecondhandRose Tue 23-Mar-21 15:12:50

Am really pleased to hear this. I have very similar issues. I am my daughter’s verbal punch bag. Mentally I distance myself from her.

Unwanted Wed 24-Mar-21 14:49:51

SecondhandRose

Am really pleased to hear this. I have very similar issues. I am my daughter’s verbal punch bag. Mentally I distance myself from her.

My Mum and step sister turned our daughter against us too and encouraged her to move in with her controlling family and his mother. He has two sisters and always said he had 3 mothers - a very strange family and the mother ran away from home to live with her abusive husband - her words not mine and couldn't see why l was worried about my own daughter but behind our back she was being encouraged to move in with him. Just wish l knew why the always feel they need to hurt me when all l have ever done is do what they ask. Guess l will never know.

I hope one day your daughter sees the good in you.

welbeck Wed 24-Mar-21 15:43:20

Glad you found him helpful;
just listening to dr les carter makes me feel better.
i think he is a true mensch, and his voice and manner is so warm and genuine.
all the best on the adventure of your new freer life.

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 24-Mar-21 16:47:20

This life is too short for this! Surround yourself with people you love, and who love you back. You’ve more than done your time. Say goodbye, forever💐

ayokunmi1 Sat 17-Apr-21 14:07:07

You are very brave well done

Didsbury Sat 17-Apr-21 21:19:38

There is a very good book - Boundaries by Thompson and McCloud. It has very Christian based principles but if you are not religious then the principles will help you per se

Can I recommend that book to you and it will give you a different perspective.

You will often hear from a narcist, After all, I have done for you and you will not do this for me. is typical narcissist behaviour. and blackmail and you have to put your boundaries in place The book speaks of what you will accept in your back yard - you have your principles and your boundaries and you will not cross them Now you can set those and if the other person will not accept your boundaries, then walk away until they do - and do not ever feel guilty.

The Book HOw to win friends and influence people was written by a son of a Baptist Minister and the principles are Faith-based but they are still very good

People who are narcissists have very shallow egos and they cannot bear to be criticised. Someone in my family gets into a vortex. a pity party and the only thing you can do is walk away - you have to keep your own treasures and your own self esteem for yourself and do not let anyone take that away from you

geekesse Sun 18-Apr-21 00:15:43

I hope you feel better for getting this all off your chest.

I cannot comment in response to your question - that is a diagnosis that can only be made by someone who has the qualifications to do so, based on much more than one person’s viewpoint. Beware anyone who makes a diagnosis in an Internet forum based only on your perception of the situation.