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(19 Posts)
Lollipoplove Sun 28-Mar-21 13:44:00

Hi, can anyone help PLEASE.
My Son in Law who’s nearly 40 is married to my Daughter who’s 35. They have 2 Girls 13 & 10. I’m the only parent & Grandparent that wants to be in their life’s.
The problem is my SIL is rude arrogant not respectful towards me
He says through my Daughter that he can’t forgive or forget I asked what cant he forgive & forget. She said things that happened many years ago!! ??? I had my Daughter at 16 I wasn’t the perfect parent but she never went without anything love food clothes toys quality time. Then when she went to school I went to work & had a good job so she got more & more of what she wanted. She was a awful teenager she hated me was physically abusive towards me she was lot taller & bigger than me. And I was scared of her
At 14 her father started to groom her especially during phone calls putting on porno films & explaining what the big man with the big c**k his words not mine were doing. As soon as she told me I believed her even though she had lied so many times stealing running away with boys she didn’t know. It was an awful time but she always knew I loved her.
I bought a recorder to tape the conversations & played them to her fathers parents & my Mum who were supportive at the time. But the next day his Mum & Dad denied he would do such a thing. They turned all that side of his family against my D for 8 yrs apart from his Aunt & Uncle. So we went to the police who arrested him but for some reason there wasn’t enough evidence & my Daughter didn’t want to stand up in court etc. Then they got incontact which my Daughter thought was because they wanted to makeup for all they had done
Well over the years my Daughter & son in law have visited him & his parents 4 times because she said she was owed apologies etc from them. I didn’t want them to go I certainly didn’t want them to take my Granddaughters I said I thought but I was told to keep
My nose out.
Well none of them have ever said sorry. But my SIL said if his wife wants them back in her life if she can forgive & forget so can he.
But I’m not afforded the same even though I know there is nothing I could of done that was anywhere near as bad as the way they had been treated by her Dad & his parents. I have done everything they have ever asked of me over the 12 years they have been together. I let her husband who was her boyfriend of 3mths at the time move in with us. I was headhunted & moved 250 miles away & he came with us he was in debt I helped pay of the credit cards they lived rent free. My Daughter worked as a legal secretary while he stayed at home playing games. Now they have a council house they both work but managed to get themselves in 45k of debt again. I’m the one who buys my granddaughters their most expensive presents at Christmas & birthdays I treat them all all through the year I give them an allowance every month. Because they are no longer to have credit they are on a government scheme which has dramatically reduced their debt ( my Daughter did initially ask me for the money) I think that’s the first time I said no.

Now things are getting bad with my Daughter because she said he has to take his time to forgive me ( I still don’t know what Iv done) but I said you were both willing to have your father & his parents in your & your Daughters life’s if you had got an explanation & apology. But he won’t forgive me & we had an awful time during your teenage years & we have the odd disagreement so nothing can be compared to your Dad grooming you & nearly the whole large group of his family turning their backs on you for 8 yrs. How is that fair.
My Daughter said if I bring up her Dad & his family again she will stop seeing me & stop my Granddaughters from seeing me too.

PLEASE DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m only allowed to see my Daughter & Granddaughters 2 times a month xx

Mary59nana Sun 28-Mar-21 15:31:33

My partner is in a very similar situation to yours where as long as he was giving out the money bailing them out of debt then he was needed but enough is enough he said and eventually said NO no more ...
So he no longer sees his grandchildren but hopes one day they will come into his life when older and like he says it is a weight off his shoulders and life is much easier not having to deal with the emotional blackmail
Hope you can get some good advice on here and I wish you well

Mildmanneredgran Sun 28-Mar-21 15:38:14

This sounds like you're going through a very hard time, but it's difficult to see what the problem is that you're asking for advice about? Can you try to summarise and say it another way?

Smileless2012 Sun 28-Mar-21 16:01:55

I do have some advice for you Lollipoplove and that is to take a step back, a big one.

I'm sorry to say that you are being used and abused by your D and her husband. If your s.i.l. has anything that he feels unable to forgive or forget then he should tell you what that it is, and do so face to face.

You appear to have been as supportive and accommodating as you can be and yet that isn't enough for your s.i.l. and perhaps your D too.

Your D threatening to stop seeing you and to stop you from seeing your GC if you don't do as she wants is emotional blackmail.

In your position I would stop contacting my D and wait for her to contact me and when she does, I would give fair warning that the allowance being provided will stop, say in 3 months time.

Of course you're worried that if you take a stand you wont see your D or the GC, but unless you're prepared to refuse to be treated this way, the threat of not being able to see your D and the children will be used every time she doesn't get her own way.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. We have been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 8 years so I know how terrible this is, but I also know how much better life is without the stress and pain situations like this bring. flowers.

sodapop Sun 28-Mar-21 17:15:15

I agree with Smileless you do need to step back from this and reduce the stress you are under. Time to stop with the allowance when you are being treated so badly.

It's going to be hard but the present situation is untenable for you I think Lollipoplove
I hope things improve for you. thanks

Carenza123 Mon 29-Mar-21 07:53:08

I don’t see what more you can do. Your dd and sil are treating you badly and this will not stop until you can make a decision to change your relationship. I would also withdraw your financial support - by you giving monetary help it is enabling their behaviour towards you. Why not save the allowance you are paying them into a separate account? This can then be given to your grandchildren later in their lives when it can be of benefit to them when they are older? Just a suggestion. Time to think of YOUR well-being for a change. All the best.

Lucca Mon 29-Mar-21 08:01:14

2 times a month is not bad to see your GC. Why not just accept that for now and ignore the rest?

Lucca Mon 29-Mar-21 08:01:14

2 times a month is not bad to see your GC. Why not just accept that for now and ignore the rest?

FindingNemo15 Mon 29-Mar-21 08:11:07

Smileless2012 we too have been estranged from our DD and GC for almost 2 years now and as you say it is less stressful. I was living on eggshells all the time, waiting for the calls when we were required for babysitting, errands to run, totally being used, being treated and talked to like I was an idiot.

No is such a little word, but such a big word to say!

Elizabeth1 Mon 29-Mar-21 08:31:20

lollipop love so very sorry to hear of the confusion in your life and family. You sound so lovely and no one deserves this sort of behaviour it’s too cruel.Like someone said can you please summarise your life story and say what it is you need from it. Something which will make things more happy for you. Look after yourself first and foremost.

3nanny6 Mon 29-Mar-21 12:49:22

Lollipoplove : Sorry that your dd and sil are being so unkind to you. You have done everything you can and even gone the extra mile by giving them an allowance. Personally I would stop the financial allowance support straight away.

Smileless2012 has given you excellent advice and also others on here as well. I am somewhat like you and have done so much for my dd and grand-children over the years mainly because I just want to keep seeing the grand-children.
The stress builds up because when we look at how we get treated then we wonder why we do it. I get calls to run to do food shopping, buy the school shoes and pay the utility bills.
I then get a hurried thanks and tossed aside until I am needed once more.
I have not picked up the phone to dd last three calls as enough is enough. I gave my eldest dd three large bags of clothing and some new trainers for 2 of the children as it was birthday time and my dd did not even call/text to say thank-you. (eldest daughter is not mother of the children she just had them for an overnight stay)

I do not see my dd changing her treatment of me she has been like this too long so I can change my treatment to her
let her pay her own bills and buy school shoes she just might appreciate that she has taken me for an idiot for too long.

Sarahjane001 Mon 29-Mar-21 13:53:02

This advice is so much easier saying than physically stepping back. If anyone knows how to do this without felling your world is caving in I would love to hear it.

Sarahjane001 Mon 29-Mar-21 13:54:04

sorry I meant to say - the advice of stepping back is so very hard to do.

Pumpkinpie Mon 29-Mar-21 14:13:45

Your daughter is a grown woman , married with a child & working So why are you giving them any allowances? How will they ever learn if they are bailed out by you?
They don’t seem to respect you even though you have always done your best.
It’s time to take a breath, step back & let her take responsibility and make her own mistakes. Stop enabling her immaturity
I’m not saying stop seeing your grandchild or buying them a birthday & Xmas present. But it’s not your job to fill in the gap left gaping from their poor life choices.

Sarahjane001 Mon 29-Mar-21 14:14:05

This is a heart breaking story but not unfamiliar. Personally I would focus on the 2 very important days you have with your grandchildren. As they get older they will hopefully want to spend more time with you than their parents. Make their visits count with lots of hugs and plenty of fun things to do. You are not going to get over the hurt and sadness but by focusing your time and effort on your grandchildren maybe it will be of some comfort. smile

Smileless2012 Mon 29-Mar-21 15:56:38

There is no way of physically stepping back "without feeling your world is caving in" Sarahjane and the AC who treat their parent(s) in this cruel, manipulative and controlling way know that.

Losing an AC and their children, your GC is absolutely heart breaking, the pain is beyond words and although with time the intensity lessens, it never goes away.

Some of the accounts I've seen here on GN over the years are truly heartbreaking, with P's bending over backward to accommodate every whim and desire for fear of being estranged and losing their GC too.

For some, that estrangement comes anyway despite doing all they could to try and prevent it.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we are enabling our AC to treat us this way by tolerating it. Some can tolerate it without paying the price emotionally and physically, because it's worth it to have that relationship, regardless of how bad it is. Some can't.

It isn't something that can be ignored because it's painful and distressing.

FindingNemo "No is such a little word, but such a big word to say" yes it issmilebut the relief when you get off that emotional roller coaster, no longer have to walk on egg shells and live in fear is even bigger.

3nanny6 Mon 29-Mar-21 16:44:18

Stepping back is difficult to do and the emotional upheaval
it takes is not to be underestimated, however weighing things up between seeing the GC when they are old enough to know that their GP is being spoken to in loud and sometimes abusive ways is not how some of us want our GC to witness things.
For me not only the relationship with my dd was getting intolerable but the GC pick up on all sorts of stuff and they would take their phones and tablets that they play on and go to their bedroom so there was no point in being there anyway.
I still agree with Smileless2012 that stepping back and trying to retain some dignity is still the best thing to do.
With hindsight I can see that by enabling my dd and giving in to her wants and demands I only made things worse and with each demand the price became too much to pay not only financially but emotionally as well.

timetogo2016 Mon 29-Mar-21 16:49:00

Great advice

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 29-Mar-21 17:20:39

I agree with others, the only way to sort this is for you to be strong, and for that to happen, you need to be on the outside looking in. It’s really hard, but the way it is at the moment, you’re just enabling them to do more of the same. You deserve better. All the best💐