Forgive PLEASE HELP

I agree with others, the only way to sort this is for you to be strong, and for that to happen, you need to be on the outside looking in. It’s really hard, but the way it is at the moment, you’re just enabling them to do more of the same. You deserve better. All the best?

Great advice
Smileless2012.

Stepping back is difficult to do and the emotional upheaval
it takes is not to be underestimated, however weighing things up between seeing the GC when they are old enough to know that their GP is being spoken to in loud and sometimes abusive ways is not how some of us want our GC to witness things.
For me not only the relationship with my dd was getting intolerable but the GC pick up on all sorts of stuff and they would take their phones and tablets that they play on and go to their bedroom so there was no point in being there anyway.
I still agree with Smileless2012 that stepping back and trying to retain some dignity is still the best thing to do.
With hindsight I can see that by enabling my dd and giving in to her wants and demands I only made things worse and with each demand the price became too much to pay not only financially but emotionally as well.

There is no way of physically stepping back "without feeling your world is caving in" Sarahjane and the AC who treat their parent(s) in this cruel, manipulative and controlling way know that.

Losing an AC and their children, your GC is absolutely heart breaking, the pain is beyond words and although with time the intensity lessens, it never goes away.

Some of the accounts I've seen here on GN over the years are truly heartbreaking, with P's bending over backward to accommodate every whim and desire for fear of being estranged and losing their GC too.

For some, that estrangement comes anyway despite doing all they could to try and prevent it.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we are enabling our AC to treat us this way by tolerating it. Some can tolerate it without paying the price emotionally and physically, because it's worth it to have that relationship, regardless of how bad it is. Some can't.

It isn't something that can be ignored because it's painful and distressing.

FindingNemo "No is such a little word, but such a big word to say" yes it isbut the relief when you get off that emotional roller coaster, no longer have to walk on egg shells and live in fear is even bigger.

This is a heart breaking story but not unfamiliar. Personally I would focus on the 2 very important days you have with your grandchildren. As they get older they will hopefully want to spend more time with you than their parents. Make their visits count with lots of hugs and plenty of fun things to do. You are not going to get over the hurt and sadness but by focusing your time and effort on your grandchildren maybe it will be of some comfort.

Your daughter is a grown woman , married with a child & working So why are you giving them any allowances? How will they ever learn if they are bailed out by you?
They don’t seem to respect you even though you have always done your best.
It’s time to take a breath, step back & let her take responsibility and make her own mistakes. Stop enabling her immaturity
I’m not saying stop seeing your grandchild or buying them a birthday & Xmas present. But it’s not your job to fill in the gap left gaping from their poor life choices.

sorry I meant to say - the advice of stepping back is so very hard to do.

This advice is so much easier saying than physically stepping back. If anyone knows how to do this without felling your world is caving in I would love to hear it.

Lollipoplove : Sorry that your dd and sil are being so unkind to you. You have done everything you can and even gone the extra mile by giving them an allowance. Personally I would stop the financial allowance support straight away.

Smileless2012 has given you excellent advice and also others on here as well. I am somewhat like you and have done so much for my dd and grand-children over the years mainly because I just want to keep seeing the grand-children.
The stress builds up because when we look at how we get treated then we wonder why we do it. I get calls to run to do food shopping, buy the school shoes and pay the utility bills.
I then get a hurried thanks and tossed aside until I am needed once more.
I have not picked up the phone to dd last three calls as enough is enough. I gave my eldest dd three large bags of clothing and some new trainers for 2 of the children as it was birthday time and my dd did not even call/text to say thank-you. (eldest daughter is not mother of the children she just had them for an overnight stay)

I do not see my dd changing her treatment of me she has been like this too long so I can change my treatment to her
let her pay her own bills and buy school shoes she just might appreciate that she has taken me for an idiot for too long.

lollipop love so very sorry to hear of the confusion in your life and family. You sound so lovely and no one deserves this sort of behaviour it’s too cruel.Like someone said can you please summarise your life story and say what it is you need from it. Something which will make things more happy for you. Look after yourself first and foremost.

Smileless2012 we too have been estranged from our DD and GC for almost 2 years now and as you say it is less stressful. I was living on eggshells all the time, waiting for the calls when we were required for babysitting, errands to run, totally being used, being treated and talked to like I was an idiot.

No is such a little word, but such a big word to say!

2 times a month is not bad to see your GC. Why not just accept that for now and ignore the rest?

2 times a month is not bad to see your GC. Why not just accept that for now and ignore the rest?

I don’t see what more you can do. Your dd and sil are treating you badly and this will not stop until you can make a decision to change your relationship. I would also withdraw your financial support - by you giving monetary help it is enabling their behaviour towards you. Why not save the allowance you are paying them into a separate account? This can then be given to your grandchildren later in their lives when it can be of benefit to them when they are older? Just a suggestion. Time to think of YOUR well-being for a change. All the best.

I agree with Smileless you do need to step back from this and reduce the stress you are under. Time to stop with the allowance when you are being treated so badly.

It's going to be hard but the present situation is untenable for you I think Lollipoplove
I hope things improve for you.

I do have some advice for you Lollipoplove and that is to take a step back, a big one.

I'm sorry to say that you are being used and abused by your D and her husband. If your s.i.l. has anything that he feels unable to forgive or forget then he should tell you what that it is, and do so face to face.

You appear to have been as supportive and accommodating as you can be and yet that isn't enough for your s.i.l. and perhaps your D too.

Your D threatening to stop seeing you and to stop you from seeing your GC if you don't do as she wants is emotional blackmail.

In your position I would stop contacting my D and wait for her to contact me and when she does, I would give fair warning that the allowance being provided will stop, say in 3 months time.

Of course you're worried that if you take a stand you wont see your D or the GC, but unless you're prepared to refuse to be treated this way, the threat of not being able to see your D and the children will be used every time she doesn't get her own way.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. We have been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 8 years so I know how terrible this is, but I also know how much better life is without the stress and pain situations like this bring. .

This sounds like you're going through a very hard time, but it's difficult to see what the problem is that you're asking for advice about? Can you try to summarise and say it another way?

Lollipoplove
My partner is in a very similar situation to yours where as long as he was giving out the money bailing them out of debt then he was needed but enough is enough he said and eventually said NO no more ...
So he no longer sees his grandchildren but hopes one day they will come into his life when older and like he says it is a weight off his shoulders and life is much easier not having to deal with the emotional blackmail
Hope you can get some good advice on here and I wish you well