Walking on Eggshells

If you can leave, leave

That's no way to be living your life

We only get one go at it

So off you go and have some fun times

Two friends have separated from their husbands since the pandemic started. Things were not good anyway but the past year has brought it all into focus. One walked away with just a couple of suitcases and is currently living in one room in a relative’s house. She says the sheer joy of being away from her ex makes every sacrifice worthwhile.

Both friends have become new women. Their pleasure in life, a bright new future untrammelled by the burden of unloving, critical, confidence-sapping men, the absolute glory of being their own person once more is a delight to see.

Both of them are around 60yo so not that young, but they feel as though they’ve thrown off the weight from their shoulders and life is new and fresh again.

That could be you, too, Sue110. Xx

I am inclined to agree with all the posters who say you should leave him.

You say he is often kind and pleasant. I still think, from what you've written, that he's unkind often enough that you should leave him.

Just one thought. You've probably tried it before. Have you ever asked him in a calm moment why he behaves this way? Did his father behave like that?

It wouldn't be an excuse for his behaviour but you might get to the root of it and understand the reason. I think it's unlikely he would change but you could perhaps try one last time.

I'm in a similar position. I think being in lockdown and being forced to spend time in the same house all the time (I am still working so was normally out during the day, but have taken over 'his' study) has brought out the worst in him and all I can see is a very selfish, angry, uncaring and controlling person who has no hesitation in swearing and shouting abusive insults at our daughter (who has mental health issues, by the way) in public and then expects me to back him up.
I've reflected on this a lot in the last 6-9 months, and have come to the conclusion that, although I still love him, I don't like or respect him any more. What a strange position to be in.
I'm also thinking of leaving, but at the moment the thought of doing that is too scary.

My mother had a similar relationship with my father, he didn't speak to me for a year for a perceived wrong doing, only speaking to me when he couldn't remember why he wasn't speaking to me. We tiptoed around him for decades please don't waste anymore time.

Being kind and pleasant at times is part of an abusive person’s modus operandi. It keeps the subject in thrall to them, gives them hope to cling to that the abuser will reform permanently.

Assuming the cause of the poor behaviour isn’t illness or medication, he won’t change. Why would he? He’s got all he wished for - a companion for the times when he’s feeling good, a whipping boy for when he’s feeling angry or hard-done by.

Leave you deserve to live a happier life, don’t waste anymore time.

I left my ex after 20 yrs and was divorced at 50. Best thing I’ve ever done! I put up with his moods and silent treatment for too long. Not to mention the lack of sex and financial abuse. Trust me things won’t change. I might have less money now but I’m much happier and that means everything.

Well I’m married to my Mr Right but didn’t know his first name was always!!?
Being the eldest of 11 he’s used to having the last word and gets very cross if contradicted!! He’s been known to stamp off in a hissy fit!!
In balance he can be kind and thoughtful and is understanding of my sometimes lax housekeeping!! As we’ve been together nearly 45 years its swings and roundabouts I suppose?

Sorry didn’t mean to sound flippant - there’s been many an occasion where I’ve thought about going.

I suffered a relationship like this for nearly 3 years and it nearly sent me mad; the trouble is that we become codependent on the relationship and 'try' to make sense of their behaviour. You can't, you won't. Please please get out and start a new happy life.

I remember well the confused scary feelings that I faced when thinking about ending my marriage. It took a while but when I did, none of the scary things were there. Life was so much easier, happier and all those imagined horrible lonely scenarios did not exist. I did regret not doing it earlier, when I realised how much time and energy had been denied the children when it was wasted on that man. Please leave, the world is kinder than him.

Good luck . It will be hard but the rewards are worth it. He’ll be stunned but you have to do it. It’s the next part of your life . Enjoy !

Yeah, leave him. It's not as if you'd made any promise to support him 'in sickness and in health' or anything. YOUR mental health is paramount.

Hi Sue 110, just to say do it I did at 68 6mths ago, after 36yrs ... the situation won’t change , they wont change they are to set in there ways ! ..... It has not been a walk in the park but hey it’s so much more peaceful, for the first time in 36yrs I have not once had to question or be careful of what I say because HE Is not there . One crack at life we don’t get another go.... Go for it !!!! Be Happy ....

I know people think this is an abusive relationship but as you are in your 60's, I'm assuming your hubby is too. Please look into the symptoms of Alzheimers and also try to think back earlier in your relationship to see if he was getting forgetful. I overlooked my mums forgetfulness, thinking it was "just her age" but over the lockdown she literally nosedived into Alzheimers to the point not where I cannot have a proper conversation with her and I am now her full time Carer. Whereas this time last year, she seemed pretty much normal to me. It would be tragic to suddenly leave your husband due to his behaviour only to find out later that he is developing Alzheimers.

I left after 37 years of hell. Best thing I ever did. Only regret is I left it so long. Take courage and reclaim your life!

SueJ thinking and worrying about leaving is worse than actually doing it believe me. I dithered about then made one abortive attempt to leave and was so miserable. I finally made it with the help of friends and never looked back. Go for it.

Well done to your friends SueDonim life is good for them now.

Yes, I’ve been there too. Nothing I did was right. It was both our second marriage and I didn’t want to fail twice so I stuck it out for far too long. In the end he made the decision to part and I was forced into agreeing to sell our house which we built many years previously. That took 2 years of continued he’ll. We have never divorced .... neither of us saw the point as I was 69 at the time and he was 78 and were married for 40 years. However once I accepted the situation and found myself able to buy a small house I am very happy living alone with my cat. I’m so glad I went down the independence route where as he went and lived with our son so that he could contribute his share into a better house with them. We are now perfectly friendly and I thank God I can go home to MY house! I think our son finds their arrangement a bit difficult. I just wish all this had happened 20 years earlier. So, go ahead, bite the bullet and make the break.

You deserve better, I left my husband after 16 years of pure hell. It is the best thing I have ever done. Life is too short. All the best to you.

I knew what mood my ex was in the way he pushed the gate open. I used to watch out the window so I knew what was coming that evening. I kept thinking I would get "I'm sorry I'll never do that again" on his gravestone when he passed away. Didn't stick around, I got out of there before he totally ruined my life, he had got 14 years of it already. I'll never have a relationship again, ever.

You do not deserve this to be the life you have to look forward to. Only one piece of advice; Please get legal advice and discover what money is where before you tell him. Good Luck.

Good luck with your future plans. Well done for finding the courage to make this decision. You are worth more than that.

I’m glad you found happiness, too, Sodapop.

Harv1 - the peace. That’s what my friends have said. The sheer peace of waking up each morning, knowing you don’t have to second-guess anyone else’s moods or reactions.

This sounds like typical narcissistic behaviour. I had a 6 year relationship with someone like this and it was soul destroying. Sadly it put me off relationships for life but I’m very content on my own now. He won’t change. Free yourself and eventually you will realise it’s the best thing you could have done. Narcissists tend to home in on warm, caring people, suck them dry and then move on to the next victim. You deserve better. Good luck.