Walking on Eggshells

Others have already voiced most of my thoughts. It seems to me you have spent years trying to please, finding reasons to stay etc - now you know the reasons to leave outweigh those to stay. If possible plan your leaving with care, get some legal advice, find out the consequences of either you walking out or asking him to leave. Whatever choices you make I wish you well for a better, brighter future and hope that you find your happiness - it will be liberating not having to dread the reactions of another person for everything you say or do - good luck.

Oh, please leave! (After doing what so many people have already said: get legal advice, or go to Citizens Advice and find out where you stand financially.) I have watched despairingly as a close friend has been gradually worn down by a mentally abusive husband until today she is a mere shadow of the once vibrant personality she was, despite all my attempts to help her. Don't let that happen to you!!

This sounds like controlling behaviour to me, Sue110. Only you can decide whether you are prepared to put up with it in the long run.

I wish you the best, whatever the outcome

Don’t waste anymore time #Sue110. 16 years wasted already. You owe yourself happiness and to live without fear and embarrassment. Obviously your finances are very important so maybe see a solicitor to deal with that. I would not let your husband know your plans as it is uncertain what his reaction would be ,given his behaviour. I hope you get all the support you need and good luck for the future.

If you are married, you are entitled to half the assets. That includes half the value of the home, cars etc, savings and joint pensions. If his pension is higher than yours, you are entitled to a proportion to make up half - including half if any lump sums.

Walking on eggshells is the perfect description of my marriage.
I left my ex after a 20 year marriage. Emotional abuse which got worse over the years. I had a close work colleague who I confided in but that was all. My family knew nothing of what he was like behind closed doors,

Our children saw a little of what he was like and my eldest really suffered. Was so pleased when she went off to university. 25 years on, my children are really close to me (only me).

See a solicitor Sue110. Also see a counsellor asap. I did before I left him, He never knew. She helped me a lot. It gave me that confidence to leave him.

and please see a counsellor. Pick up the phone today.

Quite shocked at the PP’s advising a 65 year old woman to leave a marriage without a second thought and without even trying to sort things out. When you say things have been like this for 16 years, is this the amount of time you’ve been married or did he change and start to have these moods 16 years ago ? If so, there could be some sort of long term undiagnosed mental health issue. In my experience, men don’t seek medical advice easily. You say that at other times he is kind and pleasant - could he be having bouts of depression ?

I think before you head for the door, if you haven’t already done so, tell him how you feel and see if there is something going on that you don’t know about - maybe go and see your GP if possible, but if you do decide to leave, get some legal advice as to where you stand financially. So sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Are you financially secure, Sue110? Going it alone can be very expensive. However, you shouldn’t stay in a miserable unfulfilling marriage for financial reasons. I wish you well.

My husband treated me like that
I couldn’t understand why as I always treated him with kindness...
Until I discovered he was having an affair..
Do some researching ,..?

You only get one life and I wish I had done this years ago from someone I'm still with due to his dementia but I became his FT carer and lost my own freedom/life. Prior to that he hardly worked a day in his life, encouraged by his parents and it was me who worked full time and worked our way up the property ladder. Look into your finances first without saying anything and make sure you have everything in place ready to leave. It's your time now and you don't need to put up with such rubbish.

Sue110
I admire your tolerance. I could not have continued to live with a person that treated me as H has treated you.
Obtain professional advice on how to continue living with a person such as you describe OR see a solicitor concerning your financial situation were you to decide that' enough was enough' and pack your bags and leave.
After sixteen years ? be assured it will NOT get any better.

PS - get out NOW rather than later. A dear friend has a horribly moody, emotionally abusive husband who she suffered for 20+ years when the children were growing up, but then didn't leave because, deep down, she didn't believe she deserved any better, plus she blamed herself for the breakup of her first marriage (not true). BUT when she turned 60, she finally decided enough was enough. As she was putting together her Plan to Leave, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is now his Carer, has a 10x worse life, feels that there is no alternative but to stay and every time I see her (not often now) she deeply regrets not leaving sooner. Don't make the same mistake.

When we put up with this kind of behaviour it can become our "normal" - but it really is abusie. He knows that you've put up with this for 16 years so it won't get any better and may even get worse? It also sounds as though this may not have been your first marriage - as you must have been 49 when you married - if so, what was your first marriage like? I would support what others say - say nothing to him initially but get copies of ALL your joint finances plus see a solicitor specialising in divorce and find out what you're entitled to; then make a plan and get OUT - you deserve so much better.

Wow what an empowering thread and Sue I wish you all the very best in planning your route out.

I'd rather be alone than unhappy...

I lived with someone like that, and left 10 years ago. The relief was overwhelming. That first week I woke in the morning feeling very odd. I then realised it was the weight of always treading on eggshells being off my shoulders. I felt so light and free.

First of all let me say he will never change, although I'm sure he will promise to they never do. He will fight to keep you when you tell him you have had enough, but I personally wouldn't believe it, and I've endured similar. Best thing I did was leave in fact wish I had done it earlier.
You don't deserve to be treated this way - you deserve peace of mind and happiness. Btw you are not old. Love yourself is my advice.

This sounds abusive to me. If it is, there is little chance of improvement and you would be better off without him, if that is practical. Do take legal advice and think hard about money.

How very wearing for you and emotionally destructive. It sounds like your husband may have a personality disorder but unless he is prepared to do something about it, you must protect your own mental health.
I would strongly urge you to take legal advice, start an escape fund if you have no money on your own and take copies of anything to do with his or joint finances. The trouble with dealing with anybody with this sort of problem is that they can be brutal in a divorce situation so you need to get your ducks in a row.
I really wish you the best of luck and hope you manage to work things out swiftly so you can start to lead a more emotionally settled life.

Don’t hesitate anymore and leave him . He is mentally abusing you . Enjoy your new chapter , you will have lots of years ahead to make new plans and live without worrying what will happen next . Good luck

This is classic Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder behaviour. It’s a nightmare. You have my sympathies. Get out if you can. If you can’t, try to have an RAF (Running Away Fund) so you can at least get some temporary respite sometimes.

I’m so sorry for you Sue . 16 years is a very long time to live with someone you do not feel at ease with. Life is short and we all deserve to enjoy it. I don’t want to give you advice but I know from my own experience that living without a man in your life can be liberating ! Good Luck !

What is it with some men that they think they can behave like this? Like other posters, I’ve been there. Now into my fifth year of being on my own after many years as a wife. Wouldn’t go back to being married. I’ve got to know myself over the years I’ve been alone and I absolutely love the freedom I now have. In your shoes - and I put up with my then husband’s behaviour for much too long - I’d get some legal advice and start planning how you want to spend the rest of your life. And don’t fall for comments such as ‘I’m nothing without you’, or tears, etc. (I did before I eventually divorced him.) Let us know what you decide to do.

If you're brave enough to leave, go for it.

Walking away is never easy. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but at the age of 70 I knew that I had to live the years I had left for me and not him. I had given my all - emotionally, financially, mentally but it was never enough.

Yes, there have been times when I've cried for my home, and then I remember the price I paid to pay for it ...