This is going to be a long one sorry.
I have four children; DS age 32, 30, 23 and DD age 16. I also lost a DD when she was 1, in 1994. DS1 has a DC age 1, DS2 has DC age 6. My first 3 were from my first marriage, younger two have different dads.
My second son is once again very unhappy with me, this has been a pattern for many years. As a teenager we had a fraught relationship; we did have arguments and he would storm out, not coming home, doing whatever he wanted, pretty standard stuff really but his older brother didn’t behave like this which has led to my second son (who I will call G) saying I favourited his brother (who I will call D). This has been repeated hundreds of times over the years. It is simply not true, though I will say that I have found D easier to get on with, though I love all my DC the same.
When I divorced my first H, he became less and less involved in the boys lives; we had separated by the time we lost my daughter, indeed he had only seen her twice before she died at 18 months. A year later I met my second husband, we married fairly quickly and he was a wonderful stepdad to them for years, though not a good H as time went on. We had my youngest son (P who is now 23). However we split up in 2002 (due to his verbal and physical abuse of me) which is where the issues with G really started.
I then had my youngest DD (E who is 16) from a short lived relationship; since then I have had no meaningful relationships. I know this may seem a lot of men being involved in my children’s lives but that’s not really the case.
Between the ages of 13 and when he moved in with my now DIL, at age 22, myself and G had a somewhat difficult relationship sometimes, but also there were some great times. My second H had been the father to all three boys and never differentiated between step or bio.
G as I say left home at 22; there were some arguments after where he was upset that eldest DS was still at home, he thought he should be leaving hone too. He married in 2014 and my first DHC was born in 2015. Immediately there were further problems; he wanted to know EXACTLY what my first daughter had died from (it was a heart condition) and when I became quite upset and asked that my mum explain it fully to him, he refused, saying I must tell him as ‘she was dead and his DC was here, and I must tell him in case it affected DC’. I was absolutely wanting to explain it but naturally it had been a very traumatic time and it’s not something you get over. In the end I did explain it to him as I wanted to put his mind at ease. However it was the start of more berating of me, he said I favoured his siblings, I was a horrible mother ‘to him’, I didn’t ring him enough, why wasn’t I close to him (to be honest, I have over the years thought we were close, sometimes we argued but I didn’t think it was anything abnormal though I accept that he feels differently), I don’t spend enough money on DGC, I put youngest 2 first (DD naturally at 16 is at home, youngest son at uni). It really has been a barrage of abuse about my shortcomings for the last five years.
My mum passed away in November; she had been very ill for a number of years and for the last year of her life me and my sister had cared for her (as well as us both working part time and having DC at home). It had been difficult as mum was immobile for the last six months of her life and vey dependent on us so it did take over my life somewhat but I did want to care for her.
This past Friday G hurt his back again; this has happened several times before. I spoke to him (and DGC) and said I hope he felt better soon, would see him shortly for a park visit (he lives 15 mins away). Then yesterday DGC FaceTimed me and DIL told me G had visited A&E as he was in pain and been given painkillers and diazepam. I said I hope he feels better soon, however my mistake was that I didn’t ring him myself. I had been working and to be honest I did actually forget to and I also didn’t tell his siblings that he’d visited hospital.
It started off with a group chat to his siblings where he said they could ‘f.. off’ as they’d not rung to ask how he was, why didn’t they know, what sort of mother doesn’t tell her other kids about his visit to hospital. Bearing in mind, oldest DS works full time, lives with his partner and child, there would be no reason why I would tell him unless I was actually ringing him that night.
I held my hands up to the fact I had not told the younger 2 who are at home with me (P back from uni). But to be honest; I didn’t think, he’d had this with his back before and both P and I had been at work. My DD was very upset with her brothers vitriol to the group chat and other DS’s weren’t happy with him.
G had began drinking (on top of diazepam). He does drink sometimes to excess and can be unpleasant. He then started texting me telling me I didn’t care about him, his PIL were more like parents to him, I didn’t care and I never had. I apologised for not telling his siblings and for not ringing him. He then rang all
Three of his siblings but none of them answered their phones though eldest DS did have a long text convo with him. Eldest DS rang me this morning, worried how I was. G said to him he had been depressed for years, and he should ‘ask mum’ why. I really don’t know.
He has suffered from depression and had a course of AD about four years ago, and I really have tried to support him, both in my time, finances, talking. But the abuse from him has become awful; last night he tried to ring me ten times but I didn’t answer as I don’t want to speak to someone who’s drunk and abusive. Today he has just sent me a text saying ‘f...ing woe is you mum, it should I say Emma’ (my name).
I don’t know what to do, I feel worn down and worn out by it. I haven’t ever made a difference with any of my children, though I can see to G that his youngest two siblings get ‘more’ financially as I’m better off now. He doesn’t have a relationship with either his bio or step dad. And now his two brothers are angry with how he speaks to and about me.
I don’t know what to do. He has now said I can’t see my DGC and as lovely as my DIL she can’t go against that, and I wouldn’t want to put her in that position. I think he would benefit from some sort of therapy but when I have very tentatively mentioned it in the past he said his problems stem from me.
Maybe they do I don’t know. But my other DC aren’t like this. I feel like I’ve failed as a parent, I’ve been in tears in and off since last night, and I’m so anxious that I can’t repair this or make it better for him. My sister has said today that he is 30, and just because he is my child I shouldn’t put up with abuse from another adult.
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