Going quite mad

Hi Cossy,
I bet you have been one of these folk who put everyone else’s needs before your own. Sadly, you then get took advantage of.

If you are not considering leaving your hubby and just generally want to be able to have a bit of me time and/or have someone look after you occasionally then the idea of getting a lovely shed/summerhouse that is exclusively for your use, that’s a brilliant idea. Also, having a sort of family meeting where you can be honest and say you are finding it hard to cope and would appreciate more help. Then between you all, maybe excluding hubby if you think he might poo poo it all, make up a rota together. Some folk might enjoy cooking, but hate the idea of cleaning and vice versa.

I think the idea of using your elderly mothers home as an escape route ie using one of her spare rooms as your office/den, is not a good idea. I don’t know how fit and well your mother is, but you could end up running after her while you were there, providing cups of tea, preparing lunch/tea and so on.

But you are definitely not going mad, you have so much on your plate at the moment, give yourself a big pat on the back for coping so well. Many would have ran for the hills a long while ago.

Take care and let us know how you get on. You are not alone xx

I totally understand that even though it is very diffierent to my situation. I would put a lot of that down to the effects of lockdowns and restrictions over the last year. You need to have a space that's just for you to do something totally unrelated to looking after the family. Even if it only sitting in your bedroom, alone, and looking at really silly youtube videos, or in my case, it's usually videos of songs from the 70's and 80's. You need to have time to be totally selfish and not to feel guilty about it. Do it now and put time aside every day to do just that, or go for a walk alone or with the dog (if you have one). If you haven't seen the film Eat, Love, Prey, look it up on youtube, especially 'Dolce far niente'.

Sorry you are feeling so bad,don’t worry about your weight at present,most people have put on a lot (I was relieved to notice even our news readers have ) You have been given lots of good advice,just try and be kind to yourself,sounds like you have done an amazing job up to now I don’t know how you have managed for so long without a break,good luck.?

Gosh. That sounds pretty overwhelming. But why are your adult children still living at home?? I think I would talk about selling up and moving - if you own your home (or have a mortgage). Then the adult children would have to start thinking about moving out. Do you charge them rent? Is it market value? I love my children to bits. But I did charge them rent once they worked full time. And when my son and his partner wanted to travel for a year they came to live with us while they saved, and paid us rent. Then when they came back they wanted to save for a deposit for a mortgage. They paid a bit less than market value for a room in a house, and saved up within a year. I do think adult children can take advantage of their parents and it does mean you have to be a bit tough to get them to get out into the world and live their own lives. I sound awful!! I have to say I did help both of them financially when they wanted to retrain and get masters degrees - "warm hand gifts" I think it's called. I managed to sell bits and pieces, and used savings. Son lives nearby, daughter lives abroad. And I would help them pay for major works on their houses if they needed it. However, they are both financially independent and haven't asked me for help for years :-) I am just about to move (to Weston Super Mare - can't wait :-) And I am hoping to now have time and money to do the many things I've been waiting to do!! A shed is great, but those grown up kids really need to be independent!!

Same age as me, i think now you are assessing things. I think i would feel overwhelmined too so many people in the house. Its too much now with the job. I would do something before you snap. Ive had depression for 4 years since losing mum its very hard to get rid of. The longer you force yourself to carry on the worse you may get. Do you have to work full time? Surely adult children are paying their way? If not they need to move out. Ypu need time and space and quick

@Cossy

I really feel for you. I understand about living with significant health issues as I do too, MS, arthritis, hypothyroidism to mention only a few.

I can see why you'd want to have some time andspace all to yourself but the way I interpreted your post was that you wanted to live alone, I may be wrong but that's how it came across to me and I apologise if I am wrong.

If I am right there are certain things that need serious consideration before taking that leap. I live alone and do sometimes have difficulty doing things, even just a simple no, I can't do it. It's time like these that I wish I had someone here, but I don't.

I've had falls, days and weeks when I couldn't walk and have been confined to my bed, I've even gone temporarily blind. How can you feed yourself when you can't get out of bed or can't see to be able to move around and prepare the food? (I know blind people can manage really well but if the blindness comes on fast with very little warning, it's difficult to manage).

Other posters have suggested a shed, conservatory, office, a room at your mum's and I believe this is the way to go, along with making sure that EVERYONE pulls their weight. Draw up a rota if necessary.

Your family needs to understand what your health conditions entail and how they actually affect you. They need to do their bit with looking after dad and granny, you can't do it all in your own, and, they also have to look after you. You've looked after them whilst they've been growing up, now you need the help, it's your turn to be on the receiving end.

Basically what I'm saying is get everyone at home organised so that you can take some time out for you. It's clearly better, if you have significant health issues, to have someone around who can help. I can assure you that as much as living alone does have some benefits, there are an awful lot of pitfalls like no-one being there to pick you up if you fall, you have to be strong enough (physically and mentally) to be able to pick yourself up and get on with things on your own.

I implore you not to move out and into another home on your own, it really is difficult, just organise the family and you'll get some free time where you can shut yourself away or go out for a walk or something and you'll start to feel better about the whole situation.

You certainly need some me time, with your health issues, 4 adults living in the house apart from you and your husband and your husband not well also, sounds exhausting, there is no need to feel guilty as you say you are feeling selfish, you are not selfish at all, it’s perfectly understandable, I would be having a word with the rest of the family and tell them how you are feeling as I feel nothing will change until you voice your concerns

Cossy , probably writing on here has made you feel better ! Sitting on your own in the park , feeling the air and peace will set you right , I think . You're lovely , can I move in too ?

fevertree ?

I love it Fevertree

Hi Cossy no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

Forget about a shed. The most important question is why are all these adults living with you? (Apart from your husband of course).

When I was still working at 65, we had a young family member (a nephew) living with us who was out of work. He did very little in the house and wasn't paying anything, although he did have some money. I came home late and tired one day and he was on the patio tanning. I had a lightbulb moment and that night said to him "Something is wrong with the picture I see when I look at this household". I then told him what he would be paying as a lodger from the following week, and gave him a list of chores.

Lo and behold in no time at all, he found work and moved out.

Nothing changes until you change it.

Good luck!

Riggie

JeannieB44
Thought it was just me and I only live with hubby and grown up son. With everyone else getting excited about meeting up with people I am fantasising about a cottage with lovely views,no neighbours,on my own for a least a long weekend. To be honest a tent would do as long as there is no human contact ? I do wonder if I am weird.
I bavent quite been imagining that because I know what mess I would find on my return. But with husband having decided that he likes working from home and me bearing the brunt of supervising/ hone teaching our shielding SN adult son I am really looking forward to wednesday when he goes back to college! Yes I will worry and I will be tied by the college run but its been like having a young kid at my heels all day...M-u-u-m every tine I try to do something

No so sure I was planning on returning so who cares what the mess looks like

Hahahaha

Hello all you lovelies

Just want to say some of your great suggestions instigated !

Board on fridge - tick
Shopping list and cooking rota on board - tick
Some household tasks delegated - tick

Going to instigate loads more of your great suggestions, incl trip away !!

Thanks, you’re all wonderful, caring human beings, feeling better already !

Aepgirl, Cossy and her hubby in one room, one adult child and partner in 2nd room, two remaining adult children in single rooms = four bedrooms.

Firstly, I am intrigued how you fit all these people into 4 bedrooms, but that’s none of my business.

I just feel that you need somebody to convince you that you are doing too much and for too many other people. You need looking after. If you really feel depressed you should seek professional advice.

Take care of yourself.

Please tell your older children that they have to find their own accommodation. It's about time they stood on their own two(four/six) feet. They might help around the home but with your health issues you need extra rest and I bet you get none. With them gone you could have one of the bedrooms as your boudoir, an oasis of calm which is exactly what you need.

Yes you.need time alone. I'm alone 8am to 8pm and love it!

Just do less. If/when anyone asks about it - say you are doing all you can cope with. NONE of them should be getting ANY running around from you. You have 'marginal' health and they are fit adults. Sounds hard but works! (not in a week but stick at it)

You feel you are going insane! With your own health issues alone never mind everything else you have to contend with it's a wonder you aren't completely insane already. Why are the AC especially one with a partner still living with you? Can't they as a group all find somewhere to share if money is an issue and they can't afford individual rents. After all they are living together as it is.Basically you are a boarding house. Speak with them all explaining you need space and relaxation and best way to achieve that would be if they all moved out. Now is your time!

JeannieB44

Thought it was just me and I only live with hubby and grown up son. With everyone else getting excited about meeting up with people I am fantasising about a cottage with lovely views,no neighbours,on my own for a least a long weekend. To be honest a tent would do as long as there is no human contact ? I do wonder if I am weird.

I bavent quite been imagining that because I know what mess I would find on my return. But with husband having decided that he likes working from home and me bearing the brunt of supervising/ hone teaching our shielding SN adult son I am really looking forward to wednesday when he goes back to college! Yes I will worry and I will be tied by the college run but its been like having a young kid at my heels all day...M-u-u-m every tine I try to do something

Go for the shed. Brilliant idea.
All of your medical issues have an element of being stress induced and I believe when you feel calmer your symptoms will decrease and you will feel much better. I love being by myself and if the pandemic has proved anything to me, there is just my husband and myself at home now, we have never been happier and all the crazy mad social stuff I used to do holds little attraction. Solitude is bliss. Get the shed.

... and the other side of the coin
I would love to be amongst people
Funny lot us humans

Send one over here?

sian01

Cossie & JeannieB44

Weird? That's both the three of us then. I could happily escape to a desert island!

Me too. That's four of us so far !

Cossie & JeannieB44

Weird? That's both the three of us then. I could happily escape to a desert island!

You aren’t goi g insane. You are coping wi5 more than most healthy people have to cope with. I have ME so do understand to some degree - you sound like you have done amazingly well so far. As you know pushing through makes your health worse and maybe now is the time to think about where you can lessen your stress and delegate some more....