Wedding

I am sure your ex-SIL has thought of the ramifications of inviting you and I doubt his bride to be would have agreed unless she thought her parents would be happy. Personally, I feel that it is an honour to be invited and I can't see why you think you know better than them about the appropriateness of their guest list. If there are children involved I think it is a good way of role modelling decent behaviour in a divorce unless you think that the invite is a two fingers up to your daughter.

Yes your DD should have first consideration here, because even if she says shes ok with it- well maybe deep down she may not be, and sees it as you putting ex SinL before her-Id also consider his new wife&family- they may be going along with inviting you as hes asked if he can but they may have reservations about it, despite what they say to him- id be inclined to decline all, (& send gift/congratulations) or attend just blessing or just blessing party, not both, just to take gift/give congrats, if at all.

Maybe just go to the blessing then. I invited my ex in laws to my wedding party, when I remarried 8 years after being divorced from their son. They were thrilled to be invited, and they came, and I was very pleased they came!

My ex SIL remains on good terms with my DD, and the rest of our family. Drink problems caused the break-up, but my DD has always spoken well of him to the children. His own family have always looked on him as the man who can do no wrong, and been rather offhand, even with the GC.
He is now a reformed character (as far as I know) and is engaged to a very nice lady. The wedding will be in Australia, so attending it would not be an option. If I was invited, though, and could attend, I wouldn’t hesitate to go. My DD also wishes them well, and hopes that he has learned from his previous mistakes.

TrishJ I would simply say to him that you feel now is the time to take a back seat. That you will be thinking of them and wish them all the very best for their future but that this should be a special time for the two families to come together.

I also think I wouldn't go because it would make me feel like someone from another "chapter" of his life. I would definitely be touched that he still cared though, and be pleased I'd been supportive of his wife to be.

Thank you for all your comments. I have decided to go to the blessing as I’m comfortable with that, but not the wedding. I haven’t been able to discuss it with my daughter yet but I will definitely only go if she is ok with it. The split was totally not my SIL fault but out of respect for my daughter I won’t go if she doesn’t want me to. It was so helpful to get other people’s opinions, thank you so much ?

I think it is lovely that your SiL has invited you to his wedding. However, if it is going to make anyone uncomfortable (you, your daughter, his new bride) then you should decline.

I’ve always been very close to my ex son in law since my daughter divorced him 14 years ago and he often comes to visit us, but I don’t feel I would be comfortable going to his wedding as it’s a new start for him and his bride.
I would buy a nice wedding present and card wishing them well.

The burning question is what would your daughter think about it? If it were my DD I’d know exactly her views however she responded!

Trishj, I would say follow your gut instinct and I think your ex son in law and his new wife will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Coming at it from another angle, when I divorced my now ex H, I did so because he had made my life hell for many years (belittling violence - slaps rather than punches - and verbal assault, he was very very good at twisting my words). My sister, who never saw that side of him, stayed in contact with him and I was bitterly hurt, although I didn't tell her. It soured our relationship for some time, and although it's now wonderful again, it still rankles. Your Dd may have been the person to end that marriage but are you truly privy as to why? There could be reasons that she may have not wanted you to know and she may, very much, not be happy if you go to this blessing. I think I'd advise having an open and honest conversation with her before you respond.

They wouldn’t have invited you if they weren’t comfortable with you being there. So, go unless you feel uncomfortable, in which case find that you have prior engagement and sadly can’t make it....

TrishJ. What a lovely person you must be. You should feel proud of your efforts to maintain a relationship that have resulted in a thoughtful and generous invitation.
Sometimes, delving into whys, what’s and wherefores simply muddles and confuses the issues!
Take the invitations as a mark of respect and go with your gut instincts. Hopefully your daughter will come to the same conclusion.
PS. New chapters don’t always require a ditching of everything before!

it would depend on what your daughter thinks, you are there for her and its her feelings that matter

With numbers as restricted as they are I think you should be very happy that he thinks enough of you to invite you to his special celebration. Go to all events, wish him and his new bride all the very best and enjoy!

He obviously still thinks of you as family. Guest lists are for the bride and groom to organise on the whole. I would think there had been a discussion already on who to invite.
If your daughter is ok with it and you are happy to then go.

I’d be inclined to go to just the blessing if you feel that you’d like to support him. I don’t know if all blessings are public affairs, ours was when we had our marriage blessed back in 1987 as it was part of the morning service so the whole congregation celebrated with us

I would check with your daughter and see how she would honestly feel. If she's ok with it go to the blessing where you would feel less uncomfortable.

back in the 90s i went to the wedding of my ex-husband with my husband, i knew it was going to be the last time i saw him as he was going to japan a few days later, we emailed now and again and then nothing after the tsunami in 2011.
if you do not feel comfortable going to the wedding then send a card, if you have gc you are likely to see him at birthdays and family gatherings, i have always felt it was easier if adults got along when kids are invloved, your sil must care for you to invite you to his wedding, just go with what feels right for you.

I stayed friends with my exDiL for the sake of my GD.
I met her new partner and when they had 2 children I became honorary Gran to them, I still am.
I went to family birthdays , first communions etc and met hid family on many occasions.
They decided to marry last year, just before the first lockdown and I was invited.
At first I didn’t want to go, it was just family, a total of 15 all together but my GD prevailed on me to go for her.
I didn’t go to the registry office but went to the hotel later.
The couple paid for us all to stay in a beautiful hotel for a dinner and breakfast the next morning.
It was a lovely setting and went well but I wasn’t comfortable even though I knew everyone and was just accepted.
After dinner I went to my room and stayed there..
On reflection , I shouldn’t have gone.
This was compounded by my not telling my S that she was remarrying and he still doesn’t know.
He would be very unhappy if he knew I had attended.
Unlike me , he doesn’t have his D’s interest uppermost in his mind.
A very sad situation.
Only you can know the right thing to do.

With all the current restrictions on wedding guests you are obviously highly regarded by your ex SIL. I would not feel the need to seek approval from your DD, she is divorced, for whatever the reasons. Perhaps only accept one invite expkainibg that would allow someone else to attend. Lovely relationship to have.

I was invited to my son’s ex girlfriend’s wedding. My son wasn’t happy about my going, so I didn’t. I wasn’t really that close to her so I don’t know why she invited me ?

I agree with Bbbface, if your daughter doesn't mind go. You must have a good relationship with him or he would not want you there. He still sees you as good friends.

Do what you feel comfortable with and honours his kind invitation and the regard that he holds you in. With such a limit on wedding guests at present you must mean a great deal to him.

Unless your daughter would find it upsetting, I think you should most definitely go to both events. He clearly cares about you a lot, and might be very hurt were you to decline.