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(57 Posts)
TrishJ Mon 19-Apr-21 19:35:50

Some help here please. Our ex Son in law has invited us to his wedding, which is just close family. We have always been very close and supported him as well as our daughter. He new wife to be is lovely and we get on well with her. My problem is that I don’t feel that it’s right to go to the wedding. I feel that it’s a new start for him and that the wedding should just be their parents and siblings and ex in laws. I somehow just don’t feel comfortable going. They are having a blessing a couple of days later and have invited us to that as well as the party after. I would feel more comfortable going to that. What do you think?

TrishJ Mon 19-Apr-21 19:38:40

Sorry I pressed Post before reading through, hope it makes sense.

Grandmabatty Mon 19-Apr-21 19:48:34

What does your daughter think? Would she be upset or hurt? How my daughter felt would be important to me before I made a decision. You don't have to go, you know. It isn't a summons. If you aren't keen then offer your congratulations and say you can't make it.

Redhead56 Mon 19-Apr-21 19:52:26

I think it’s lovely you have been invited it just goes to show how much you mean to him. If you don’t feel like going to both of the celebrations just politely make an excuse and go to one.
My biggest regret was not keeping in touch with some of my in laws when I divorced years ago. They were a nice family but it was such a difficult time I just didn’t bother. Hope you decide what to do and go and enjoy yourselves.

Hithere Mon 19-Apr-21 19:54:08

One vote for grandmabatty

Septimia Mon 19-Apr-21 19:54:37

I played the organ at a wedding where the groom's ex mother-in-law was a guest. They'd obviously got on well and everyone was quite happy with the idea.

Sara1954 Mon 19-Apr-21 20:26:34

It’s lovely that you’ve remained on such good terms, I think I might feel the new wife’s family might resent me being there, but if not, then I don’t suppose there’s anything preventing you.
I’m trying to think what it would be like in our family, and I think my daughter may have something to say about it.

3dognight Mon 19-Apr-21 21:40:58

Just go to the evening do.
That would be my advice.

BlueBelle Mon 19-Apr-21 22:32:56

I personally wouldn’t think it appropriate but there we go all different

CafeAuLait Mon 19-Apr-21 23:03:06

I really don't know what the correct thing is. Could be he thinks of you as a friend now, rather than the ex-MIL? How would your daughter feel?

GrannyRose15 Mon 19-Apr-21 23:14:00

People do not usually invite others to big events unless they want them to be there. so accept that he, and his new wife, both want you there. If you don't feel comfortable going then give your apologies along with your best wishes.

Personally, I try to go to all such events when I am invited on the grounds that if I am invited someone wants me there but accept that others don't have the same philosophy.

Daisymae Tue 20-Apr-21 07:18:21

You feel uncomfortable, so I would go with your instincts. Send a card and wish them well.

mumofmadboys Tue 20-Apr-21 07:44:45

See what your DD thinks. Well done to you for keeping a good relationship going. Do you have GC and will they be there?

Kim19 Tue 20-Apr-21 07:51:05

I tend to enjoy keeping all relationships open. This sounds both pleasant and complimentary. I would of course run it past my daughter but, assuming we currently have a healthy relationship, I would probably know her thoughts on the matter anyway.

timetogo2016 Tue 20-Apr-21 09:51:59

I agree with what Redhead56 says.

olddudders Tue 20-Apr-21 10:13:22

It's a huge compliment to be invited in such circs. So often divorce is shrouded in families each taking sides, often with reason, it seems to them. But I echo others who suggest your daughter should have a big say here. We don't know the circs of the divorce, but very clearly you have behaved impeccably throughout - well done.

Aepgirl Tue 20-Apr-21 11:14:04

I think I would graciously decline, wishing them a lovely day and a long and happy marriage.

jaylucy Tue 20-Apr-21 11:16:58

As long as your DD is happy (and I guess that she must be ok with you still keeping in touch with her ex. , I'd go to the blessing and just send a note or call to explain why .
If he sees you as a friend, he should accept your decision - or maybe he was expecting this hence the two invitations.

ReadyMeals Tue 20-Apr-21 11:27:45

The ex sil may be happy having you there, but has he considered whether his new in-laws could feel awkward or embarrassed? I think in your situation I'd be looking for a way to excuse myself from the situation. Something just doesn't feel appropriate about it.

Elvis58 Tue 20-Apr-21 11:27:50

I would go to the blessing rather than the actual wedding myself more informal affair.
If u have maintained a relationship and met his new wife to be and get on well with her,l presume your daughter is ok with it already.So l dont see an issue.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 20-Apr-21 11:28:20

Can you be honest and voice your opinion that the wedding is a new start and that you will feel out of place there?

Then go to the blessing and party.

Although perhaps you should take into account that wedding guests are often people who really belong to the past.

I invited a lady we didn't often see because she was a close friend of my aunt and had known me since I was a child.

I realise this is not the same, but it is worth considering the point already made, that they are inviting you because they want you there,

If the idea really makes you uncomfortable, send your regrets pleading a former engagement on their wedding day, but do then remember for ever what it was you attended that day!

Nannan2 Tue 20-Apr-21 11:32:33

Or do an 'old fashioned' idea if you decline, and send a telegram of congratulations!(do they even still do those these days?)- & send a gift/card too of course.Or attend just the night do if there is one, just to pop in to take the gift/card, and buy them a drink- then cut it short- so he knows you wish them well but its a new start for him.or if you attend blessing instead, again, take gift if you didnt give/send for wedding, but keep your stay shorter.Let him know you consider it his new start with a new family if thats how you feel, let him know this.

Bbbface Tue 20-Apr-21 11:36:47

It would 100% depend on my daughter.

If she was happy with me going - then absolutely I’d go.

If she wasn’t - then absolutely I would not.

Simple as that

SueLindsey Tue 20-Apr-21 11:37:10

I never forgave my parents for being pally with my ex husband after our divorce. He had behaved appallingly in the last few years of our marriage. How your daughter feels about it should be the important thing.

Edith81 Tue 20-Apr-21 11:38:15

You have been invited to your ex SILs wedding because he has a special regard for you. If it’s ok with your daughter then perhaps attend the nuptials but not the reception which might be awkward for you. This would be on an even keel to show you have no bad feelings towards him.