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Boundaries

(13 Posts)
Florencerosie Wed 21-Apr-21 16:27:14

Some of you may remember a while ago I wrote about my brother criticising my DS after he lost his job during the pandemic. I’ve spoken to him since after a relative of ours passed away.

My DS had said don’t discuss my business with him anymore. My brother rang me last night and we were having a chat about general stuff - then he asked about my DS. I said he’s very well, thanks. Then he said has he got a job? At this point I replied I can’t discuss his business with you after your unkind comments before.
He then started saying what do you mean? I wasn’t being critical, you took it the wrong way etc. I just replied you probably didn’t intend it to sound like it did, but he replied I’ve got nothing to apologise for. It went round in circles and I said you’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine.
I tried to move on and say I have to respect DS wishes, let’s just park this and not fall out. He was very very defensive.

My OH who overheard said you were right to say what you did very calmly. It’s up to him if he wants to make a big deal of it, but he has to know he can’t keep shooting his mouth off.

It wasn’t pleasant but he needed to know. My mistake was not saying at the time “ Why are you saying this?”

I hope we can get past this, but that’s up to him now. I said I’d ring him in a few weeks. Sometimes you just have to let people know they’ve gone too far and stepped over your boundary. Anyone else had something similar happen.

Esspee Wed 21-Apr-21 17:27:48

No experience like that but just want to say well done.

Shandy57 Wed 21-Apr-21 17:31:55

Good for you. One thing I never really got over was my late mother's lack of loyalty to me, I was very sad to find out she had not defended me when necessary.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 21-Apr-21 18:29:36

Unless your children have broken the law, in which case you get a Solicitor to defend them, you should always defend your children.

LovelyCuppa Thu 22-Apr-21 14:44:07

I think you did brilliantly.

hazel93 Thu 22-Apr-21 14:57:26

Well done !
Why on earth should his uncle be anything other than support in such a difficult time.?
Ridiculous.

Spidergran3 Thu 22-Apr-21 15:43:02

Typical narcissistic gaslighting - well done you. Non of this was your fault, your son has every right to choose not to have his business discussed.

vampirequeen Thu 22-Apr-21 15:56:46

Well done. No matter how he 'meant it', he upset you, your DH and your DS. Even if you hurt someone by accident you should apologise.

Florencerosie Thu 22-Apr-21 19:00:35

Thank you ladies for your replies. Vampirequeen - I also said to him if I said something to your son and unintentionally offended him, I would apologise and explain that I really didn’t mean to offend you.

I actually now feel better and lighter for telling him. I was reading that if you always just let people say what they want and not say how you feel, if they don’t accept that, then you’ve only got a relationship on their terms which isn’t healthy.

DouglasJohnsonJr Fri 14-May-21 15:50:52

I am sorry that the ability to defend boundaries comes only with negative experiences. This is the case in most cases. I myself learned to assert my boundaries when communicating on a dating site. I was not good at this then. But I was an active participant in the chats and copied the successful response style. Now, this is not a problem.

Quercus Fri 14-May-21 16:19:39

Your OH is right, he does need to know he can't keep shooting his mouth off. Like someone in my family - most of us are no longer on speaking terms with that person, or those who defended what the person said, which was inexcusable.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 15-May-21 10:54:47

I was in a somewhat similar position years ago.

Finally, I more or less had to back down in order for a disagreement between me and one relative not to escalate into a row involving the entire family.

It took me a long time not to feel resentful that even the members of the family who said they understood my point of view, obviously were not prepared to say that to the other party to the quarrel.

I hope you don't end up in the same situation. I think you did the right thing, but family relationships can be so difficult to negotiate safely.

Namsnanny Sat 15-May-21 11:02:38

grandtanteJE65

I was in a somewhat similar position years ago.

Finally, I more or less had to back down in order for a disagreement between me and one relative not to escalate into a row involving the entire family.

It took me a long time not to feel resentful that even the members of the family who said they understood my point of view, obviously were not prepared to say that to the other party to the quarrel.

I hope you don't end up in the same situation. I think you did the right thing, but family relationships can be so difficult to negotiate safely.

I so agree, family relationships can be so difficult. Well done you Grandtante in this situation.
Well done florencerosie for sticking to your guns and keeping cool.
Each situation requires an I individual response.