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How do I mend fences with my grandson’s mother?
(81 Posts)I've been debating writing this for some time now and now I've now finally reached the end of my own ability to try to solve the problem alone. So, here i am writing this in hopes that maybe someone can help me untangle the Godawful mess that I've so stupidly made for myself
I'm going try to be as blunt and honest as I can about the mistakes I've made in this situation because unless you know the true scope of the issue there's no way any advice given to me here will be useful. I'm well aware that what I've done reflects badly on me and my family and I fully acknowledge that what I did was wrong and utterly beyond the pale. It was unacceptable and inexcusable but I can't change what I did. All I can do is move forward and try to do better.
I have 3 children. One boy and two girls. My eldest 23/m was always closest to me. I had him when I was quite young and for the first 4 years of his life it was just the two of us. Eventually I met my current husband and my girls came along in due course after we married. My son tragically passed in a car accident on his 23rd birthday. He'd been out with some friends drinking to celebrate and at the end of the evening when the bar closed he foolishly got behind the wheel of his car and then tried to drive home. He never made it, because a mile or so from our home he wrapped his car around a telephone pole going 80. My precious baby boy was killed on impact. I was devastated by the loss. I can’t possibly describe the depths of my suffering. Mothers aren’t supposed to have favorites... but The honest truth is that I did and it was my son and when I lost my him it felt like half my heart died with him. About two weeks after his death I was contacted over social media by a young woman claiming that my son was the father of her unborn child.
At first I was excited. The baby would be a part of my son. A piece of him still alive....but I was also confused because my son didn’t have a girlfriend that he ever told me about before his passing. He was a good kid. Smart, motivated, respectful and churchgoing. He told me everything..but he never said a word about this girl. It bothered me. Something didn’t feel right so I decided to do a little investigating about the girl and the more I looked into her life the less I liked what I saw. She was loud, foul mouthed and dressed poorly. She had no faith that I could tell from any of her online activities and even worse she came from a broken home. She wasn't the sort of person our family would normally ever associate themselves with and and after going though her IG and Social media thoroughly I honestly couldn’t imagine my son ever giving a girl like that the time of day much less being intimate with her and fathering her child. My husband and I are very financially comfortable and because of that I immediately suspected that this girl was just a golddigger trying to get a payday since my son could no longer defend himself or deny her claims. I was furious. I called her up and told her in no uncertain terms that I was wise to her scam and ( may God forgive me) that she and her bastard were no kin to me or my family and that as far as me and my family were concerned they needed to go back to whatever gutter they’d crawled out of and stay away from our family during our time of grief and that she should be ashamed of herself for attempting to prey on a bereaved family just to get money.
I was wrong to say those things. What I said was arrogant and stupid and I wish so much that I could go back in time and slap my self witless for even thinking such a thing about anybody much less saying it out loud but I can’t...and the damage was done regardless. It didn't end there. It should have. I wish that it had because if it had I might not be where I am now. Maybe she would have forgiven me.
About a week after that call I found out that the girl ( I’ll call her M) actually worked at the very bar my son was at the night of his accident. I was livid. I was grieving still and I became absolutely convinced that M was somehow involved in my son’s tragic death. That it was her fault he drove drunk that night somehow. It wasn’t. I know now that she wasn’t even working that night...but at the time I didnt care about truth—-i just wanted someone to blame for my pain that wasn’t my son.
I wanted to punish M for what i believed she’d done so I told anybody who would listen my crackpot theory and as i intended word got around quickly. It’s a very small town and my family is very very well known in our community. The result was that my family’s friends and associates weren’t kind to M. I wasn’t kind to M either, and to my shame i admit that I harassed her. I made it my mission to make her life as uncomfortable as I could. I even sunk so low that I convinced her OBGYN to
Drop her as a patient. I said awful things to her when I saw her and about her behind her back. I am so, so ashamed of how I behaved. I took my grief for my son out on M and others followed my lead and did the same. Eventually M had my grandson and when I checked her facebook to see if I could guess who the baby’s real father was my blood ran cold.
M’s precious baby looked exactly like my son did when he was a baby. Identical. Right down to his crooked little pinky finger and fuzzy hair. I knew I had made a terrible mistake in that moment, and that I had to somehow mend fences with M so I could see my baby but before I could really wrap my head around the situation M packed up my newborn grandson and moved out of state. She cut off her phone and left no forwarding address. I’m fortunate that she didn’t delete her social media as well.
Not long after she left my fears were confirmed for sure. There was a new DNA match on a genealogy site I use for my hobby and M’s son was without a doubt my grandchild.
I was devastated. I knew then that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I immediately sent M a message on the site and asked her to contact me ASAP. To my relief she did and once I had her on the phone I tried my best to apologize for what I’d said and what I’d done to her and then I begged her for the chance to be a grandmother to my grandson.
To my horror, in response to my pain and apology M only laughed at me and outright refused, saying that she and ‘her bastard’ are quite happy in their gutter and that tbey didnt need us. M told me point blank that my family and I would see the baby over her dead body and that she hopes that it eats me alive for the rest of my life to know that there’s a piece of my son still alive...but that I will never ever meet him.
The vindictive cruelty of it took my breath away and when I said as much M’s response was “Do you like it? I learned it from you.” And the she just...hung up on me. I called a hundred times but all my calls went to voicemail and the next day the number didn’t work anymore. My heart shattered into a million pieces. The worst of it is that M is right. She did learn it from me. I treated her so cruelly for no good reason at all. God offered me a precious gift and instead of accepting it gratefully I was prideful and arrogant and awful to this poor girl that I didn’t even know. All because I thought she was ‘beneath’ my family. I was wrong. I was so wrong and now I’m paying the price for it.
Ever since that day I’ve been doing anything and everything I can think of to try and convince M to let me see my grandson. I hired someone to find out her address and I’ve sent them both gifts and cards and money but no matter what sent it always gets returned. Even the money. I know she’s a single mother and that money is an issue for her but M flat out refuses to let us help her. She’d rather raise my grandson in abject poverty than accept anything from me or my family. I just want to make amends and see to it that my grandson has a good life but M won’t give so much as an inch. She’s denying my grandson so many opportunities purely out of spite and nothing I do seems to help. If anything it just makes her more angry. My grandson is all I have left of my son, how can I mend this relationship with M so that I can be a part of his life?
I’ve accepted that what I did to M was wrong. I know that I’ve made terrible choices but knowing that my grandson is out there in need and living in an unsafe environment when he doesn’t need to and that he has no idea how precious he is to our family is killing me inside. I feel like I’ve betrayed my son’s memory by allowing his child to go without ...all in the name of my own pride. Please. Help me fix this because I’ve run out of ideas entirely.
A brilliant opener for a novel. Definitely leaves me wanting more. 4 stars
The thing is, Fanny, some of us have known people (or maybe ^are people^) whose life story is like this. I have known through my work, life stories even more improbable.
Given that, I'm happy to invest some time "just in case".
How lovely it would be if this wasn't true.
If it is, I'd rather extend a hand to someone in pain, even if they have brought it up themselves.
Bithering? 
Gannygangan
I must say that it's bithering me a little bit that this thread is still up.
Many kind posters are investing a lot of time, thought and empathy in writing long and in depth replies.
Like many others I'm pretty certain that it's a work of fiction by the op.
FannyCornforth
'Help me fix this because I've run out of ideas entirely'
Writers' block.
Good luck with your future endeavours!
That made me laugh, FC 
BallroomGranny, apart from sending M the exact story you have posted here, there is nothing you can do.
I get the feeling you live in the USA - probably in a small town, but that is neither here nor there, except that it perhaps explains some of your to me hidebound attitudes and old-fashioned opinions.
M is a single mother and thus the sole guardian of her child. She, and she alone, has the right to say who she and the child will associate with.
On your own admission you have said some very nasty things to her, so it is hardly surprising that she does not want to see or hear from you.
I realise that you were devastated by your son's death, but that, as you have come to realise, does not excuse your behaviour.
Grandparents do not have any real rights to see or know their grandchildren, especially when the child's parents were not married, nor apparently, intending to marry.
All you can do is to hope that M might one day get in touch, although in her place I would most certainly not do so.
You could of course leave money in your will to your grandson, if you are now satisfied that he is your son's child.
One little ray of hope is that the child may. when he is older, want to know something of his father's family and contact you himself. It is unlikely, given what he will have heard about you from his mother, but it could happen.
Try to concentrate on your daughters and their children and on a life that does not entirely revolve about family as well, instead of repining over something that probably cannot be mended.
it does sound like an archers plot, on steroids.
BsllroomGranny
I think the best thing you can do is to be the very, very best mother to your daughters. You can look at them always and see the best in them. Shift your focus from the son you have lost to the adult children you can truly love. These are precious to you, don't let your obsession with the baby you haven't met blind you to the joys of the family you do have.
When the child is older, maybe as an adult, he may have an interest in his wider family, but for now rest assured you are not going to make up for the vitriol.
Do as others have said, get counselling to help you reconcile yourself to the situation.
It sounds as though you are (at heart) religious.
I think you should think about your relationship with your God and take some solace there.
Resolve to be a better person.
Those who we truly love, we may need to let them go.
Wishing you peace.
To those that say children's DNA isn't online, it may or may not be true in the UK, but I know 23andMe and others do have children's DNA on them in America.
I know this because there are numerous articles about it in the American press.
I apologise if I am wrong but this sounds like a plot for a tv drama. Something just doesn’t ring true.
Oh and also how many sons discuss their sex life with their mother.
It would seem you are religious. Can you forgive yourself?
If this IS a made up storyline, it's a damn good one and I think it should be developed.
just because you are comfotably off .money cannot buy the child . i dont blame the mother ,from your words you are a really nasty person ,everything has to be on your terms . leave her alone ,and maybe one day , you can contact her again ,say like birthdays ,but i dont hold out much hope ,anyway what do you mean about "my baby" i think you need to go see a specialist ,and get your head sorted out .the girl could have you up for harrassment ...
you could contact social services . to see a consultant for your wicked words ,and maybe she would agree to a meeting(under supervision) i know grief can do a lot of harm and that you can say things that are better left unsaid .maybe in the future when the child is older ,she may allow you to see him/her. but something sounds fishy here . could she have got your sons DNA from a glass that he was drinking from . and why did your son not tell you that his girlfriend was pregnant.?you have your family to think of .be greatful for that ..
In all honesty, this literally left me unable to think of a response for some time....I do send you deepest condolences on the loss of your son, it's a dreadful thing to lose a child.
In a way I can understand your rage too....I don't think I could even comprehend how I'd feel in the same situation BUT, I really don't think I could display the level of cruelty to someone that you have done.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but there doesn't appear to be one point when you questioned just what it was you were doing....that poor girl.
It's not only you that needs to be ashamed but your community too although to be frank, I'm sure that both she and her baby are much better off away from it.
I don't believe that you can make amends, some things go far too deeply and you've learnt a hard lesson. Would she accept contact from your husband / daughters?
BallroomGranny,
I’m so sorry about your son’s passing, but it’s important you understand that in regards to the rest of the story, you are NOT the innocent party here. The mother of your son’s child is. Your word choices show you still don’t completely understand that aside from having done terrible things, you still see her as merely a vessel for your son’s replacement baby. 1) your son can’t ever be replaced. 2) she wasn’t cruel to you. She responded in kind the way you treated a pregnant single woman who had just loss her partner in an awful accident. 3) you need to understand the error of your ways beyond the fact that you have put yourself in a position you don’t want to be in. Your behavior was terrible not only because it cut you off from your son’s child, but because it’s a horrible way to treat other people.
I would recommend enrolling in therapy immediately. With time, you will come to see the full picture of why you are still wrong. Leave your son’s girlfriend/the baby’s mother alone for now. Hopefully with time and after therapy, you will understand your problematic thinking and grasp that you need to build a genuine relationship with her if you also hope to have a relationship with her son. It’s unreasonable to expect her to forgive everything and move on this fast, but there’s always time to better ourselves and potentially try again in the future. Otherwise, I agree with naming your grandson as one of your heirs (as well as his mother, for that matter).
'Help me fix this because I've run out of ideas entirely'
Writers' block.
Good luck with your future endeavours!
I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine losing a child and the subsequent grief that follows must be desperately hard to navigate. I do believe you. Why would you lie about something so horrendous?!
I don’t believe there is really anything you can do about it now and I think you know those bridges are well and truly burnt but I commend you on your honesty, it can’t be easy to tell others how disgracefully you’ve behaved and to listen to the negative replies. People aren’t wrong, but it still must hurt deeply.
This girl came to you as she thought it would help with your grief and that her child deserved to know his family. She clearly is not motivated by money or power so all you can do now is hope that one day, when the child is 18 he will come to you. Hopefully his mother won’t ever tell him how spiteful you were…that is probably pushing it a bit too far but he might very well want to see for himself. As someone suggested, put some money away for him. Write him letters, put away birthday gifts and make a box of your sons possessions he might like when he’s a man himself. At least that way he can see he was in your thoughts. Money cannot buy love but it may help him start his own.
Other than that, could your daughters make contact? How do they feel about their nephew? Do they have a different attitude to you that may mean you at least know what’s happening in his life growing up. Get photographs etc.
If I was his mother I would be very worried about you manipulating him and potentially taking him away from me so I really don’t think you have a chance at a relationship I’m so very sorry to say. My only hope is that your grandson grows up to be a wonderful, happy man.
If you have not tried grief counselling or a specialist psychotherapist, it might be well worth your while considering that. You have experienced a terrible loss which has become bound up with your treatment of M and the baby. I would gently urge you to find a practitioner and a therapeutic space to explore and confront your grief. It is a terrible weight to carry. Best wishes for your healing
I can understand the sheer desperation to blame someone, anyone, for your son's death.
I would write her a letter of apology, acknowledging how monstrously you treated M, and just tell her your door would always be open to her (would it?) if she ever needed anything.
Then stand back, and don't hold your breath, because I really think you've blown it.
What an apalling character you portray! I really hope none of this is true.
The only advice you’re getting is to give up and focus on the family you haven’t alienated.
How do you mend fences with grandsons mother ?
Write another chapter .
Thought it was bridges not fences.
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