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How do I mend fences with my grandson’s mother?

(60 Posts)
BallroomGranny73 Thu 22-Apr-21 23:11:39

I've been debating writing this for some time now and now I've now finally reached the end of my own ability to try to solve the problem alone. So, here i am writing this in hopes that maybe someone can help me untangle the Godawful mess that I've so stupidly made for myself

I'm going try to be as blunt and honest as I can about the mistakes I've made in this situation because unless you know the true scope of the issue there's no way any advice given to me here will be useful. I'm well aware that what I've done reflects badly on me and my family and I fully acknowledge that what I did was wrong and utterly beyond the pale. It was unacceptable and inexcusable but I can't change what I did. All I can do is move forward and try to do better.

I have 3 children. One boy and two girls. My eldest 23/m was always closest to me. I had him when I was quite young and for the first 4 years of his life it was just the two of us. Eventually I met my current husband and my girls came along in due course after we married. My son tragically passed in a car accident on his 23rd birthday. He'd been out with some friends drinking to celebrate and at the end of the evening when the bar closed he foolishly got behind the wheel of his car and then tried to drive home. He never made it, because a mile or so from our home he wrapped his car around a telephone pole going 80. My precious baby boy was killed on impact. I was devastated by the loss. I can’t possibly describe the depths of my suffering. Mothers aren’t supposed to have favorites... but The honest truth is that I did and it was my son and when I lost my him it felt like half my heart died with him. About two weeks after his death I was contacted over social media by a young woman claiming that my son was the father of her unborn child.

At first I was excited. The baby would be a part of my son. A piece of him still alive....but I was also confused because my son didn’t have a girlfriend that he ever told me about before his passing. He was a good kid. Smart, motivated, respectful and churchgoing. He told me everything..but he never said a word about this girl. It bothered me. Something didn’t feel right so I decided to do a little investigating about the girl and the more I looked into her life the less I liked what I saw. She was loud, foul mouthed and dressed poorly. She had no faith that I could tell from any of her online activities and even worse she came from a broken home. She wasn't the sort of person our family would normally ever associate themselves with and and after going though her IG and Social media thoroughly I honestly couldn’t imagine my son ever giving a girl like that the time of day much less being intimate with her and fathering her child. My husband and I are very financially comfortable and because of that I immediately suspected that this girl was just a golddigger trying to get a payday since my son could no longer defend himself or deny her claims. I was furious. I called her up and told her in no uncertain terms that I was wise to her scam and ( may God forgive me) that she and her bastard were no kin to me or my family and that as far as me and my family were concerned they needed to go back to whatever gutter they’d crawled out of and stay away from our family during our time of grief and that she should be ashamed of herself for attempting to prey on a bereaved family just to get money.

I was wrong to say those things. What I said was arrogant and stupid and I wish so much that I could go back in time and slap my self witless for even thinking such a thing about anybody much less saying it out loud but I can’t...and the damage was done regardless. It didn't end there. It should have. I wish that it had because if it had I might not be where I am now. Maybe she would have forgiven me.

About a week after that call I found out that the girl ( I’ll call her M) actually worked at the very bar my son was at the night of his accident. I was livid. I was grieving still and I became absolutely convinced that M was somehow involved in my son’s tragic death. That it was her fault he drove drunk that night somehow. It wasn’t. I know now that she wasn’t even working that night...but at the time I didnt care about truth—-i just wanted someone to blame for my pain that wasn’t my son.

I wanted to punish M for what i believed she’d done so I told anybody who would listen my crackpot theory and as i intended word got around quickly. It’s a very small town and my family is very very well known in our community. The result was that my family’s friends and associates weren’t kind to M. I wasn’t kind to M either, and to my shame i admit that I harassed her. I made it my mission to make her life as uncomfortable as I could. I even sunk so low that I convinced her OBGYN to
Drop her as a patient. I said awful things to her when I saw her and about her behind her back. I am so, so ashamed of how I behaved. I took my grief for my son out on M and others followed my lead and did the same. Eventually M had my grandson and when I checked her facebook to see if I could guess who the baby’s real father was my blood ran cold.

M’s precious baby looked exactly like my son did when he was a baby. Identical. Right down to his crooked little pinky finger and fuzzy hair. I knew I had made a terrible mistake in that moment, and that I had to somehow mend fences with M so I could see my baby but before I could really wrap my head around the situation M packed up my newborn grandson and moved out of state. She cut off her phone and left no forwarding address. I’m fortunate that she didn’t delete her social media as well.

Not long after she left my fears were confirmed for sure. There was a new DNA match on a genealogy site I use for my hobby and M’s son was without a doubt my grandchild.

I was devastated. I knew then that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I immediately sent M a message on the site and asked her to contact me ASAP. To my relief she did and once I had her on the phone I tried my best to apologize for what I’d said and what I’d done to her and then I begged her for the chance to be a grandmother to my grandson.

To my horror, in response to my pain and apology M only laughed at me and outright refused, saying that she and ‘her bastard’ are quite happy in their gutter and that tbey didnt need us. M told me point blank that my family and I would see the baby over her dead body and that she hopes that it eats me alive for the rest of my life to know that there’s a piece of my son still alive...but that I will never ever meet him.

The vindictive cruelty of it took my breath away and when I said as much M’s response was “Do you like it? I learned it from you.” And the she just...hung up on me. I called a hundred times but all my calls went to voicemail and the next day the number didn’t work anymore. My heart shattered into a million pieces. The worst of it is that M is right. She did learn it from me. I treated her so cruelly for no good reason at all. God offered me a precious gift and instead of accepting it gratefully I was prideful and arrogant and awful to this poor girl that I didn’t even know. All because I thought she was ‘beneath’ my family. I was wrong. I was so wrong and now I’m paying the price for it.

Ever since that day I’ve been doing anything and everything I can think of to try and convince M to let me see my grandson. I hired someone to find out her address and I’ve sent them both gifts and cards and money but no matter what sent it always gets returned. Even the money. I know she’s a single mother and that money is an issue for her but M flat out refuses to let us help her. She’d rather raise my grandson in abject poverty than accept anything from me or my family. I just want to make amends and see to it that my grandson has a good life but M won’t give so much as an inch. She’s denying my grandson so many opportunities purely out of spite and nothing I do seems to help. If anything it just makes her more angry. My grandson is all I have left of my son, how can I mend this relationship with M so that I can be a part of his life?

I’ve accepted that what I did to M was wrong. I know that I’ve made terrible choices but knowing that my grandson is out there in need and living in an unsafe environment when he doesn’t need to and that he has no idea how precious he is to our family is killing me inside. I feel like I’ve betrayed my son’s memory by allowing his child to go without ...all in the name of my own pride. Please. Help me fix this because I’ve run out of ideas entirely.

Niobe Thu 22-Apr-21 23:26:42

So M put her son’s DNA on a genealogy website? Hmm. Why?

V3ra Thu 22-Apr-21 23:41:53

Where to start....?

"I had him when I was quite young and for the first 4 years of his life it was just the two of us."
So you were either a single mother, or your relationship with your son's father had ended and your son was from a broken home.
And you criticise M for being the same?

You should be forever thankful that your son wasn't responsible for injuring or killing someone else that night.

Apart from that I really am lost for words....

CafeAuLait Thu 22-Apr-21 23:43:03

I thought you had to to over 18 to put your DNA on one of those websites? Anyway, I'll bite.

I think you need to leave M alone. Stay far away. I'm not sure it's possible to come back from this and she has made her wishes known.

Adding to that, when you contacted her your words really show that you want access to her baby. My children didn't tend to have relationships with people who wanted to bypass me. They had relationships with people whose first relationship was with me.

BlueBelle Thu 22-Apr-21 23:49:17

This is terribly sad all round and what I say will sound harsh
I m afraid

I think the girl sounds a strong woman who will never let her son be open to the kind of treatment you didn’t think twice about dishing out to her on many occasions, she has great reason to not trust you and I don’t think your attitude to her has changed, if she didn’t have your grandson you still wouldn’t have any respect for her
She was not worthy of licking your feet until you found she had your grandson then you wanted to reverse the situation
I m sorry to not give you the comfort you so obviously need but I believe she has done the right thing to distance herself
You want to make amends ONLY because you want access to your grandson
It’s good that you see the error of your ways but that doesn’t take it away, all you can do is work on yourself to make sure your attitude will never ever surface again in a any future situations when you feel someone is below your status you haven’t really changed though because you think she is just being spiteful by not accepting your money and gifts No she is showing great strength of character by sending it back to you
You can’t buy people

You ask how you can fix it I m sorry but I don’t think you can
I m so sorry I can’t be more positive in answer to your plea

GG65 Thu 22-Apr-21 23:54:16

Some things cannot be mended.

You reap what you sow BallroomGranny.

Gannygangan Fri 23-Apr-21 00:04:13

I think you made your bed and now you'll have to lie in it.

Doodledog Fri 23-Apr-21 00:13:36

Goodness. What a tragic and complicated tale. It's almost like something from a melodramatic novel, isn't it?

I wonder how M knows how to return the gifts and money? Have you given her your address or bank details?

If they are in abject poverty and claiming benefits your gifts and money would be counted against them because of our punitive means testing system. I don't think that there is anything you can do, except maybe to put money into a trust for the boy to receive when he reaches majority, or leave him an inheritance, so that he can benefit from your belated largesse without his mother having to make contact or feel beholden to you.

What do your daughters make of the situation? And your husband? Is the money you are talking about his, or did you turn your own life around after your shaky start as a single mum before you met him?

SueDonim Fri 23-Apr-21 00:18:31

I’m sorry you have had to endure the loss your son, BallroomGranny. flowers

On your main question, I don’t think there is anything you can or should do except wait for M to make a first approach. That may well never happen, given what you’ve told us, so you’ll need to be prepared to live forever with the consequences of your own actions. Some things simply cannot be undone.

crazyH Fri 23-Apr-21 00:27:12

A sad, tragic story, from whatever angle you’re looking .....
I have no advice , but my condolences go out to you on the loss of your son flowers

Callistemon Fri 23-Apr-21 00:34:26

I am sorry for the tragic loss of your son BallroomGranny and assume your subsequent actions might be a result of your grief.

However, no-one could blame the young woman for acting as she did as life in your small town was made intolerable for her.

I hope she realises soon that she needs to increase the privacy settings on her social media accounts.

I thought you had to to over 18 to put your DNA on one of those websites
I would have thought so too.

Spice101 Fri 23-Apr-21 00:35:07

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but as you are aware it is completely of your own making.

It seems to me you still have your priorities wrong. Your son was obviously first and foremost in your life and I understand why you want this part of him. However, it seems you did not know your son as well as you thought and perhaps he does not deserve to be on the pedestal you have him on.

I think it is time you started to focus on what you do have ......two daughters before your obsession with gaining access to the grandchild ruins your relationship with them as well.

OutsideDave Fri 23-Apr-21 00:46:10

Kudos to M. She and her child are much much better off this way.

Hithere Fri 23-Apr-21 00:52:43

Please let her live her life and raise her child the way she prefers
Stop stalking her. Stop contacting her. Stop harassing her.
She has gone through enough thanks to your actions

She sounds like a very brave person - she will go (good) places in life.

The moment you contacted her to have access to her child while not trying to repair the relationship with her - huge nail in the coffin and very common mistake, sadly

There is a chance you did not know your son as well as you think you did.
You seem to have idealized the golden child in your head.

Hithere Fri 23-Apr-21 01:03:32

"She’s denying my grandson so many opportunities purely out of spite"

No, she knows you are a dangerous person and she is protecting her son from you. Well done for M!

You are still very much judging her and unaware of the damage you created.

granzilla Fri 23-Apr-21 04:04:02

hmm Don't believe a word of this.
Reported.

CafeAuLait Fri 23-Apr-21 04:51:49

granzilla

hmm Don't believe a word of this.
Reported.

Well it is odd that a baby has their DNA on a site when I don't think that is possible before 18.
And that the money she sent was returned when there was also no forwarding address or contact details to have sent the money to.
However, you never know.

Grannycool52 Fri 23-Apr-21 05:25:09

A number of aspects of this story do not ring true.
If it is all genuine, then my sympathy is with M.

Loislovesstewie Fri 23-Apr-21 05:34:17

I'm going to be harsh; if this is true then she is better off without you. I think you would be sheer hell.

Sparkling Fri 23-Apr-21 06:30:55

Your way of speaking about people and judging them is unkind, I do not understand how you think you can be part of their lives. I woukd respect the mothers wishes and look at your own life, your family must be bearing the brunt of this. They must be fed up.

Shelflife Fri 23-Apr-21 06:53:59

My advise would be to leave this girl and her child alone .
Look at your family , consider your daughters , appreciate them and rebuild your life as best you can. Your actions have been the result of grief.
Please remember that if this child is your grandson, he is her child - not yours. She had made her feelings very clear and I sincerely hope you can do what is right and respect that.
I wish you peace and hope you are able to accept the situation , forgive yourself and please move on . You have daughters who deserve a mother.

Margomar Fri 23-Apr-21 07:32:22

This tragic story is eloquently written, almost journalistic in style, so I’m a bit suspicious of it’s veracity. What leaps out of the page, however, is the sense that money, things etc are of overwhelming importance to the writer. She tries to win over M with cash and presents - but there are other types of currency, time, eg listening, poetry - a gentler approach that’s not about trying to buy a relationship with the grandson might work,
Also, as a mother of 4 and grandmother of 5, I can acknowledge that one can have a favourite - as I do, but keep it well hidden.

silverlining48 Fri 23-Apr-21 07:41:48

I am unclear how you are so sure this is your grandchild but whether true or not what you have said and done is abhorrent. You have accepted you were wrong and of course you were but now to expect M to forgive and forget is probably hopeless
however much money you throw in her direction. She seems to be an independent woman deserving respect who will cope, as you did when you too were a single mother.
Please leave her alone and just hope that one day she relents, but from what you tell us about your behaviour I wouldn’t be hopeful.

I am sorry about your loss, there are many on here who have also lost children. It’s a long hard road but best now focus on the family you have and be not so quick to judge in future.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 23-Apr-21 08:07:20

This poster has a lot of power if she convinced a Consultant to stop seeing M.

Babies DNA on a site that proves it’s her GS.

Nope, don’t believe it.

I’ll probably be deleted.

BallroomGranny73 Fri 23-Apr-21 08:18:14

. My son was well aware of my hobby, perhaps he mentioned it to her in passing. Honestly I can’t say for sufe WHY she did it —I don’t know M well enough to really speculate and I’ve learned my lesson about jumping to conclusions.