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Another failed marriage
(80 Posts)I am really struggling at the moment and hope you can help me see the wood from the trees. I am mid 50's, have 3 living adult children and sadly lost my second child at birth. The children were all to my first husband who I met at school and was with for nearly 20 years until we divorced, having never recovered from the death of our daughter. He was a good husband and father but we just grew apart following the tragedy. I had a few other relationships, whilst raising my children who are now successful adults who I am so proud of. What I am not proud of is myself. I met my 2nd husband nearly 9 years ago and everything was good at the start. Alarm bells did ring a bit when he admitted he had been married twice before and his adult children to his first wife, refused to speak to him or see him. He blamed his first wife from brainwashing the kids. However having lived and been married to him for 6 years now, I believe there is a lot more to this than he is ever going to admit.. I am a strong woman who has not only lost a child but my first divorce ended up being very stressful, my mother died of cancer, my beloved father developed dementia and at the end, literally starved himself to death (he was in a care home but just refused laterally to eat), I developed breast cancer after he died (caught early so I am fine), daughter developed anorexia due to pressure of med school, etc etc. Meanwhile husband no 2 has shown his true colours as somewhat of a bully, treats me like a modern day slave, and is very controlling money wise and in other ways. His late father was the same. Having been independent for many years whilst raising my children as a single mum, I have found all of this unbearable. Had he been a loving, caring man to me, I could coped. However he has shown very little concern or caring for me during the above, even walking out after I came out of hospital post breast operation, as I criticised something minor he had done. He has always been a good sulker and always thinks he is right and knows everything. He is also very lazy.... a week before we got married, he took early retirement at age 58, and has done nothing since. I own the house we are in outright but he pays the bills, food etc from his pension. He moans all the time about money, penny pinches and when arguments occur (which are more and more ) he continually throws in my face that "his money is keeping me", though he seems to forget it is my roof over his head. I am cash poor and totally rely on our joint account which he watches like a hawk and I have to justify even food bills. However all this paled into insignificance when during a heated argument, I wanted out of a doorway which he was blocking, I tried to push him out of the way to let me past and before I knew it, he grabbed me, totally lost his temper, had me in a headlock and then threw me across the room. I very nearly went head first into a glass door but my head struck the wooden fascia instead. I lay there completely dazed and frozen in shock and pain. Meanwhile husband is now sitting on the sofa watching tv. I got up. Took myself off to the spare room. He never apologised, never came to see I was ok and since then, when I bring it up, he says he reacted like that as I pushed him!!! I have never experienced anything like this and I just cannot get over it. Since then, there has been a lesser force used against me but again another troubling experience. He seems to be completely unable to accept responsibility for any of his actions, either minor or serious and I just cannot live like this. I have confided in one close friend but though my children know I am unhappy, they have no idea 're the abuse above. I am ashamed and embarrassed. My mental health has really suffered and I have struggled. I now feel that I do not want this marriage anymore but fear for the future. I know I will have a fight on my hands 're the house which is totally in my name but he will have a right to some of the assets from a sale of it, though presumably the same applies to his pension, investments he has etc. I just feel ultimately a failure that I chose this man and ashamed that my kids are going to have to witness another marriage of their mother's going down the pan!! What sort of example am I to them when it comes to relationships? Should I just plod on or should I bite the bullet and divorce?? The one thing which I have done since the start of the year is I have moved into the spare bedroom and have no intention of moving back. He seems to have accepted this, though it was a struggle. I am not advocating by the way that I am faultless but advice please would be appreciated
Ring a local law firm on Monday. Ask for a freebie appt of 30 minutes with a divorce specialist. They all offer this. Believe me, I know! They usually have "surgeries" a couple times a week. For them, it's a "sprat to catch a mackerel" in the hopes you'll do future business with them. Not necessarily straight away, but in the future.
Secondly, ring the Women's Aid help line. Google them. They will be a massive source of support & information.
Use all this as an information gathering exercise. Knowledge is power. When you've got all the info together, you can then make a proper informed decision about your next step. Right now it's all ifs & buts.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Big hug & chin up.
Talk to us whenever you want/need to. A lot of us have escaped from abusive men. You're not alone. You say you feel stupid but they get inside you head. I used to spend ages at the supermarket choosing 8 identical bananas then when I got home I wrote our names on them to make sure that the adults and children got two each. When my sister visited I used to tell her to make sure she took one with my name on it if she needed one for her toddler because I had to make sure that his weren't touched. If I didn't put our names on the bananas he would complain that he never got his fair share of food...and his complaining went on and on and on.
dear Susysue, can you go out from the house, go for a walk in open space.
then ring 101 police and tell them.
you are the victim of several offences, some ongoing.
then call womens aid.
and remember to delete your call history.
save the womens aid number under the name of the person whom you speak to.
assume he is watching, monitoring everything you do.
don't tell him you are planning to escape.
and come back and tell us how you are.
Thank you. You are a marvellous lovely bunch of ladies. Yes in the UK and will do as you say 're solicitor. He watches me like a hawk and that's why I have not borrowed money from one of my kids (both parents sadly dead now, miss them hugely and have no siblings) to see a solicitor as probably need to wait to get an appointment when I can go and stay with my daughter for a few days in May. She lives 70 miles away. Will phone woman's aid UK as well. I did phone a local one about 6 weeks ago but didn't find them very helpful with solutions sadly. All your advice has given me hope. I am just so very tired and sad. Feel I have lost my mojo!! Much love and hugs to all you lovelies xxx
Go to Woman's Aid, get an initial free consult with a lawyer and tell your children. They will be shocked but protect you and help you. Please get help with this.
I’d also suggest setting up a new email account to use for your new life so to speak.
That way any consults, or correspondence can be completely safe - use a new and random password like bananas782 or washing machine400 - don’t make it something sentimental that can be guessed.
Please take care OP, and remember silence isn’t the answer here - you have a support system on here and with your children, please use it!
Excuse me, I am perplexed as to why you have no access to money? Is your salary (I am presuming you are still working as you called your husband lazy for retiring at 58) paid into the joint account? You need to set up a separate account, along with a new email account for contact with your solicitor and family members.
Vampirequeens advice is spot on. Please don't blame yourself. These people are very manipulative and the abusive is drip drip drip until it is too huge to get away from.
Thinking about you Susysue,
Fortunately I have never been in your position, however many of the lovely Gransnet ladies have , so I feel sure you will take advantage of their advice. Speak to your children , I know you don't want to worry them but they will support you. Who knows , you may be surprised to learn that they have their suspicions! Please be brave ! It must be very hard indeed for you to make decisions just now but I have the feeling you do know what to do.
You must leave this man somehow. What is keeping you there, you are young and can sort this mess out.
For what it's worth I have had two failed marriages, and just walked away with dogs on leads and a taxi full of everything loaded into black bin bags on each occasion.
One each occasion I walked away from the homes I loved and half owned. But to be free from violent mysoginistic and manipulative men was worth it for my sanity and mental and physical wellbeing .
There is lots of good advice on here, if you can follow it.
I see you have three dogs too, can you take them too? Even if you have to split them up, then get them back when you are more sorted.
Please do not feel alone and ashamed, and get your adult children on board. Once you have done that I'm sure it will get easier for you to move on.
eazybee; the OP has said that he watches everything that she spends. In other words he is abusing her and controlling her, it starts slowly and ends up with the woman being unable to make any decisions because he has persuaded her she is useless. It erodes the sense of being any good at anything and fearful of making the break because she feels incapable. To others, he is probably quite charming but in their home he is anything but. Believe me; I have met just the sort. And women can do the same to men as well, just to be clear.
Hope you are ok Susysue.
SusySue, it can happen to any one.
and it's never too late to get out.
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8898995/Novelist-Fay-Weldon-lays-bare-secret-misery-marriage-files-divorce-89.html
I would make an appointment to see a solicitor re getting him out of your house. The violence to you, the coercive control, the gas lighting, what a dreadful man, let people know what he is. Tell your children and friends, so they are aware, you need protection from him. You can’t blame yourself for not seeing his true colours, but you can if you put up with it. I would find out exactly what happened in his first marriage, was there violence there? Get the protection of people and authority round you, you can do this, don’t be a victim, no one deserves that. My heart goes out to you, Theo longer it continues the weaker you get.. Don’t let him browbeat you, plan you actions, get it out there and on record, better any day on your own than with a bully, they don’t change.
Try asking Citizens Advice. The service is free. Yes, in the future, you may well have to use a Solicitor but Citizens Advice could be a start.
Don't worry about other people's opinions. It is nothing to do with them and will be a nine days wonder anyway.
In my view, you should make plans to leave him.
Please, please, get some legal advice from a solicitor. The marriage is not the longest and he has a pension si you may ver well be able to keep your house. In y9ur mid 50's you could work to keep yourself if you can find a job, otherwise you would be entitled to benefits. You also need to see the police about coercive control and the assault, you should not expect to put up with this.
Citizens Advice or a solicitor should be your first step .You cannot live like this.
You need to get away from this person as soon as possible. The situation will only get worse. I’ve been in this position, with two young children, and it is physically and emotionally devastating. Please seek help immediately from Women’s Aid, a solicitor and CAB. Tell your children and close friends exactly what is happening. If you haven’t got a personal bank account, open one without delay. Are you able to get another mobile phone, pay as you go, which he’ll have no knowledge of? Keep it on silent. Be strong and positive Susysue. Keep in touch with your friends on Gransnet. Sending you hugs and very best wishes.
So hard susiesue, but we are all thinking about you. This man has has taken away your confidence and will continue to belittle you. It will continue if you don't take action. I feel sure you have the courage to get away asap! A pay as you go secret phone is a very sound idea if you are able to manage that. When you begin telling family and others remember you will be believed and supported by family and professionals. Nobody deserves to be treated in such a cruel way ,you are worth so much more! but I think you know that. You must escape , plan your moves with care then GO !!!
Thank you all for your kindness and support. Things have gone from bad to worse and tomorrow I need to contact a lawyer and speak to my adult children. He has now got me feeling like i am going mad and my head feels like it is going to burst. I feel like i am having some sort of breakdown and tonight i felt completely helpless and almost I am ashamed to say suicidal. But I cannot do that to my children or my dogs. To answer someone's earlier question, I do not work at the moment though i have considered this as that would help towards my independence on him for money. Earlier tonight, he went on a major sulk because something has gone wrong with my car and it needs £500 of work done on it. It doesn't seem to matter whether it is this or one of the dogs needing the vet(my lovely 13 year old doggie had a very sore tooth and I had to literally beg him to allow me to take the poor dog to the vet, he needed several teeth out, costing £500 and husband had a fit at the cost. I had to dig my heels in and say my dog could not suffer) or indeed anything which is not for him alone eg a bloody new golf club !!! It is not that he hasn't the money, he just is so mean with it. There was a huge row tonight, probably made worse by me standing up to him and though no physical abuse, there was plenty mental abuse. He says I need psychiatric help, that he has never physically abused me and that no one will believe me anyway. I said that we could not go on living like this and could he go and stay with his mother. He refused completely and said he is going no where. I really don't want to leave what is my house and not his (I own it outright in my name) as I don't trust him. Nor would I leave my dogs with him. How do I get him out or is there no choice for my sanity and safety that I have to leave. I had already said to him that I plan to go and stay mid may with my daughter for a few days before tonight and he wasn't best pleased about that. I am getting desperate now so I know something has to give. I have arranged a lawyer's appointment with a firm where my daughter lives but that is a couple of weeks away. I have even suggested to him that maybe we should both move out of the house, lock it up till we can sell it and move separately elsewhere but again he is refusing. He is now also taping our arguments on his phone. I am seriously losing the plot. Sorry I am sure I am not even making sense anymore xx
Susysue, please try to stay calm, this man is controlling you by having control of all the money and he thinks he has you trapped because of course you will not leave because of your dogs.
When you see a Solicitor please tell him about the physical abuse and mental abuse, I hope he will advise you to go to the Police, who I trust will remove this man from your home snd place an injunction on him.
You can apply for benefits to keep yourself until you find a job, if you don’t know how, Citizens Advice will help.
Tell your daughter what is going on and do not sugar coat it... be truthful.
You need help and while you are keeping all this to yourself he is winning.
You can do this.... and you will get through this.
Stay internally strong and do not listen to what this toxic idiot is saying to undermine you.
Do not let him know of any of your plans as he could become more physically abusive when he realises he is losing.
Take care and come back here for support....
have you read fay weldon's experience.
so many similarities.
it may be difficult to get him to leave the marital home.
you will need legal advice on this.
but don't wait 2 weeks to seek help.
why did you need to get his permission to go to the vets. don't you have access to money.
anyway, it's time to get out.
can you go stay with your daughter tomorrow.
tell her everything.
i think you should speak to your GP too, so it is on record there. tell them, everyone you speak to, tell them the worst.
they may also be able to refer you to support services.
Please call the Police, please get a solicitor's appointment sooner, call women's aid for Advice, tell your friends, GP, family. You have reached crisis point with this vile man and can't continue. If you are feeling suicidal then you really must get him out and seek help urgently. You know he is gaslighting you, and he is the one at fault. There is loads of help for you;you just need to take the next step. You have taken the first step by telling us on Gransnet, and we are all behind you;if I could physically come to you, I would and believe me he would leave. Please tell us how you get on.
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