Coping with mum aged 90 with dementia

I think you're all wonderful. It's so difficult and wearing much as you love them.

I feel your pain. I initially looked after my Mum who had Alzheimers and my Dad who had Vascular Dementia. Eventually I had to give in through utter exhaustion because they refused any help except from me.
Things do go from bad to worse unfortunately and it’s probably time that you looked for a care home. If it’s difficult now then it becomes much worse than that as time goes on.
You have done everything you can but don’t die in the process. It’s not fair on you at your age and with your own health problems. A family decision after a discussion sounds like it’s definitely needed sooner rather than later. Good luck.

Oh Annie you certainly are not a crappy daughter you sound fantastic and actually much better than me. My mum is similar to yours mentally, but has heart and mobility problems too, I do her shopping, paperwork appointments etc but only visit twice a week for around an hour, then I ring everyday.
That’s as much as I can cope with without it impacting my mental health and well-being. It is very draining, I try to destress on the drive home by having a cd playing in the car very loudly !
I’m an only one, your lucky to have siblings would they do some of the visiting for you, so you could do less ?
Be kind to yourself, I’m 64 overweight as well. that’s one of the reasons I’ve cut my visits down so I have time to go for long walks. Your important too. Good luck.

I think you’re doing a great job?

It is like having a toddler again. One thing I found worked was to watch television together. My relative liked wildlife programmes and I bought a box set that we used to watch together. It was repetitive but not as stressful as keeping up a conversation. It reminded me of sitting with a cup of coffee while Playschool was on.

I hope that doesn’t sound as if I’m making light of the stress of the situation ?

Not a crappy daughter !!!! I took care of my mother and it is not an easy task !! She developed dementia and life was not easy. Eventually a care home was found for her , but that is a very difficult thing to do. She died aged 92 and I miss her every day ! After her death I worked for many years as a volunteer with the Alzheimers Society. During this time I realized that my feelings during my caring years were very common . NEVER feel guilty , you must take care of yourself. If I may give a little advice - if / when you decide a care home is necessary choose carefully . The nicely presented ones are not necessarily the best , quality of care is the priority. A bit of dust is not important, also if your mum is in care don't be afraid to move her if you have any doubts at all about the quality of her care. Also please take notice of what she says , there is sometimes an element of truth in what she is saying, so don't put everything she says down to her dementia. You are doing an amazing job , however do not put yourself on the back burner - look after yourself , you are important too. Good luck to you and your mum . I recognize your feelings , do take as much support as is available. Seeking support is not easy during the pandemic but please do not ignore your health. I send you
' hugs' and good wishes . Be good to yourself !

Please tell me you don't visit while your sister is there!
Please take every opportunity for a day off!

Anneishere, you seem to be coping well. You can do no more than you are doing. All you need is reassurance and and more rest and relaxation.

I suggest you imagine yourself as a gramophone repeating the same over and over again. You might eventually be able to think of something else while you are talking to, or looking at photos with, the old lady. You seem to meeting her needs very well.

Please don't feel guilty. You are NOT crappy, just exhausted.

Lots of people here can understand that. I love my mother-in-law who has none of these problems but her slowness is really draining and my husband and I are generally exhausted after a visit. We generally visit 3 times a week. You are there all the time.

My mother-in-law is pretty great for 97 but just making a cup of tea takes half an hour it seems (never timed it but it feels like it! ) as she sets up a tray with milk jugs and cups and saucers and teaspoons, biscuits etc.
It's the waiting about that wears you out.

Do you remember walking with a toddler? Do you remember how weary you were after less than a mile? It's the pace I think that is the issue.
Psychologically and physically it's wearing. And on top of this your mother has dementia.

Be kind to yourself. We all do the best we can.