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When it’s time to walk away

(54 Posts)
manny Wed 05-May-21 18:27:13

I’ve posted on Gransnet before about several issues in my marriage that I’ve found very challenging.
To sum up: my husband (80) and I (72) have been together for 11 years now - married for seven.
After I moved into the house he had built for us, he made it very difficult for my family to come and stay. He was difficult, rude and had very rigid views about child rearing. So, the family eventually refused to come. We also have a house in France. Perfect set up - two apartments, each with separate kitchen and bathroom facilities. The same thing happened there. He alienated the whole family - and they’re all decent, funny, hardworking people who are great parents. I tried, with great difficulty, to tolerate that situation. I have to admit that I frequently lost my patience and my temper.
On top of this, he has interest which frequently involve use of the Internet. He is also addicted to social media. He sets no boundaries on this - hours are devoted to it, and I frequently found myself talking to the top of his head.
Last - but certainly not least - I came back downstairs one night unexpectedly and stood behind him, watching as he looked at the profiles of women on dating websites. He had registered on these sites. This wasn’t the first time this has happened. The final straw came in the following three weeks, when he made no attempt to reassure me, console me or reach out to me. So I left and am renting a flat nearby - he refused to leave the house.
Since then, he has agreed to marital counselling and we’ve had two sessions which were constructive and worthwhile.
Yesterday, I discovered that he’s flying back to France on Friday. He still wants to take part in the counselling via Zoom.
Long story short - I have very strong suspicions that he’s contacted a woman online, has been having regular internet chats with her, and plans to meet her in France. She lives quite close to our house.
Why am I so devastated by this? I feel devalued, humiliated and terribly hurt. I’m finding it difficult to cope and simply can’t understand how someone can be so unscrupulous. It’s as if a tap has been turned off - he shows no empathy or care at all for me.

Tangerine Thu 06-May-21 18:50:45

I agree with other posters. Good luck for the future.

manny Thu 06-May-21 20:20:27

Many thanks to all of you. The support is really helpful and I value it.

Clio51 Thu 06-May-21 20:23:33

Manny
You sound surprised by what people have said ?

Nobody in the right mind would give advice to stay with their husband/partner/wife
If they acted like this.
If it was your son or daughter I’m sure you would be saying take what’s yours and leave
You wouldn’t want someone to treat them like this, just because marriage means a lot to them

Roses Fri 07-May-21 16:30:54

manny you say you are worried about being lonely,surely your marriage to this awful man is very lonely?

Be strong a new life awaits

Urmstongran Fri 07-May-21 17:29:55

Leopards don’t change their spots.
You ignored the red flags at the beginning.

Lovetopaint037 Fri 07-May-21 19:01:23

I wonder if this woman, if there is one, realises how old he is. He certainly doesn’t sound like any kind of a catch unless he has regaled her or them with a picture of his affluence and property ownership. If so they are in for a shock. Sounds as if he is a bit batty to be honest. If you are married you are entitled to some pay out and then you can resume a relaxed and happy life with your family and friends. Of course if you love him then it is a different story.

jeanie99 Sat 08-May-21 11:50:10

My heart goes out to you having to put up with this situation and your fear for the future in being alone perhaps with possible financial problems.
My suggestion would be to take advice from a solicitor who specializes in separation and divorce.
You have a future and it will be better than the situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own.
Take the first steps.
Best of luck

Forsythia Sat 08-May-21 17:42:35

I’d imagine he has done this before as you mentioned his previous marriages. If it were me, I’d value peace of mind over being married to a man like this. A friends father was still sexually active in his 80s and spent all his money on paid for women. It was a shock to her family when he died to find he’d spent hundreds of thousands on them. Don’t let your man do the same to you. Men like this never change because there’s always someone else to fall back on.

Mo22 Sat 19-Jun-21 14:40:10

Totally understand as I am trapped in a relationship with husband who now hates me and I am nearly 60. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would buy him a lovely house far away from me, its hard! I don't hate him and I don't want him to be unhappy but he hates me now. If I had the money or if I was 30 this would be over by now. X

welbeck Sat 19-Jun-21 16:36:22

Mo22, that's quite revealing; if you won the lottery, why wouldn't you buy yourself a lovely house...
and why stay married in such a situation.
sounds like you are still quite enmeshed, in thrall to this person.
please take advice. there is always a way out.
you are not a prisoner. you do not have to live like one.

Mebster Mon 12-Jul-21 01:32:51

This sounds like my mom's story. He ran off her family and friends, lived off her money. She ended up as his nurse and by the time he died her friends had moved on and her grandkids were grown. Leave this man and reconnect with your people.

BlueBelle Mon 12-Jul-21 05:26:02

I wonder where manny is now did she take him back for fear of loneliness or did she continue with her quest for a life I hope it’s the latter
manny??

Sparkling Mon 12-Jul-21 06:46:59

I know of people existing in unhappy relationships for fear of loneliness. In the end they either end up a nurse or die themselves.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 13-Jul-21 11:28:04

Can you afford to divorce him and live on your own?

Will you be able to med the relationships to your children and grandchildren if you husband is no longer your husband?

It sounds to me as if your marriage is not worth saving, so please find a solicitor and perhaps have a frank discussion with an advisor in your bank as well.

Are the properties in both your names or only in his?

You will need the help of a French notary or solicitor regarding the French property and any other assets in France. I personally have no idea what the law in France is regarding property if you divorce, so please do look into that as well as what assets you are entitled to in the UK.

M0ira Tue 13-Jul-21 11:32:29

Manny………family first.
Good luck with what ever you decide. Some very sound advice coming from other people.
He sounds like a narcissist.

Hithere Tue 13-Jul-21 12:14:07

I would have left hom the moment he started alienating me from my family.

Talk to a lawyer.

MerylStreep Tue 13-Jul-21 12:21:54

Manny hasn’t poster since the 6th of May
I don’t think she’s reading her own thread any more.

Namsnanny Tue 13-Jul-21 12:33:12

Easier said than done by some of us Hithere smile
Of course the advice you give is the right course to take.

It must be hard for a poster to come back and let us know how they are doing, if they havent followed it.

Hithere Tue 13-Jul-21 12:43:17

Namsnanny
Life is full of situations that are easier said than done.

It reminds me of the movies where the character has to pick between the easy path and more dangerous one, at the fork of the road.

Namsnanny Wed 14-Jul-21 10:55:27

Yes, I think which one we choose has a lot to do with our previous experiences.
Walk in my shoes.....

silverlining48 Wed 14-Jul-21 11:15:52

Yes many people especially women stay with men who are cruel or uncaring because of different fears. Unless it’s life threatening it takes courage to make such important life changing decisions.
Years of emotional abuse can reduce anyone’s self confidence. My dear mum was never brave enough and ended up nurse, became ill herself and her last years were spent in with dementia. It’s sad and waste of a life not lived.

manny Wed 14-Jul-21 11:17:03

Hello again. I haven’t stopped reading my thread. the advice here was overwhelmingly in favour of leaving - not surprisingly!
I left, as you know. I havent found it at all easy, but I visit a counsellor regularly, which helps.
I wanted to try to resolve some of the issues, financial and otherwise, in an amicable way, but this proved to be impossible. I’ve put it in the hands of a solicitor.
Having been asked not to, on his return to the house in France, my husband definitely had his online contact to stay in the house- not permanently- I think at weekends. So no respect shown for me at all. It was very hard to accept that another woman would come into the house, which is full of all my things, family photographs and all that sort of stuff. It looked as if I’d just nipped out to the shops. What kind of person does that?
So now I’m in the French house myself for a while. It was so hard to come back into it for the first time. I’m managing ok, but there’ no getting around the fact that it’s lonely sometimes.
However, my head tells me that I definitely made the right decision.
I have - fingers crossed - family coming out soon. It will be a huge relief, not walking on eggshells all the time.
My husband’s attitude to me is truly bizarre - it’s as if I had created all of the problems in the marriage. But the, he’ s acting as if the marriage had never happened and as if I don’t exist. Anybody else had experience of this kind of thing?

silverlining48 Wed 14-Jul-21 12:16:39

Hello Manny. How lovely that your family are coming out to visit and yes it will be hard but you have done the right thing, and happily you know it. Your husband’s behaviour is bizarre, be happy that you have taken that first Important step.. Bon chance.

Namsnanny Thu 15-Jul-21 10:14:13

Nice to hear from you manny
I just think he's a bad 'un. But I suppose his behaviour could have become worse if he is in the early stages of dementia?
Is that or any mental deterioration a possibility?

Enjoy having your family aroundsmile
Good luck

Infinity2 Thu 15-Jul-21 11:26:00

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