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When it’s time to walk away

(54 Posts)
manny Wed 05-May-21 18:27:13

I’ve posted on Gransnet before about several issues in my marriage that I’ve found very challenging.
To sum up: my husband (80) and I (72) have been together for 11 years now - married for seven.
After I moved into the house he had built for us, he made it very difficult for my family to come and stay. He was difficult, rude and had very rigid views about child rearing. So, the family eventually refused to come. We also have a house in France. Perfect set up - two apartments, each with separate kitchen and bathroom facilities. The same thing happened there. He alienated the whole family - and they’re all decent, funny, hardworking people who are great parents. I tried, with great difficulty, to tolerate that situation. I have to admit that I frequently lost my patience and my temper.
On top of this, he has interest which frequently involve use of the Internet. He is also addicted to social media. He sets no boundaries on this - hours are devoted to it, and I frequently found myself talking to the top of his head.
Last - but certainly not least - I came back downstairs one night unexpectedly and stood behind him, watching as he looked at the profiles of women on dating websites. He had registered on these sites. This wasn’t the first time this has happened. The final straw came in the following three weeks, when he made no attempt to reassure me, console me or reach out to me. So I left and am renting a flat nearby - he refused to leave the house.
Since then, he has agreed to marital counselling and we’ve had two sessions which were constructive and worthwhile.
Yesterday, I discovered that he’s flying back to France on Friday. He still wants to take part in the counselling via Zoom.
Long story short - I have very strong suspicions that he’s contacted a woman online, has been having regular internet chats with her, and plans to meet her in France. She lives quite close to our house.
Why am I so devastated by this? I feel devalued, humiliated and terribly hurt. I’m finding it difficult to cope and simply can’t understand how someone can be so unscrupulous. It’s as if a tap has been turned off - he shows no empathy or care at all for me.

Nonogran Wed 05-May-21 18:49:08

Dump him! He's 80 and acting up like a teenage creep & destroying you but I bet if he took sick he'd soon come running back expecting you to look after him.
Be strong, leopards don't change their spots however good the counselling is. Believe me, I know. This man does not deserve you or the love he could be part of within your family circle. His behaviour is beyond disrespectful. You've been courageous enough to move out so stay out. Alternatively, move back into the house whilst he's in France and change the locks!
Good luck, chin up.

manny Wed 05-May-21 18:55:20

Thank you. That just about sums it up. Problem is - I can say all of that to myself in my head, but I’m finding it very difficult to move on. Marriage is very important to me, and I feel very lonely.

Kamiso Wed 05-May-21 18:56:54

What would you say to a friend who told you this was happening to her? Run, don’t just walk!

Redhead56 Wed 05-May-21 19:00:41

You allowed an unsocial man like that to alienate your family. Why would you put up with it and why be upset he is interested in someone else. Your family is more important than him you need to sort yourself out and just leave him to it.

3dognight Wed 05-May-21 19:07:43

An excellent post monogram.
I agree, you’ve left him, so make it permanent.
He has alienated your family, spent too much time online disrespecting you, and all your marriage stands for.
I would feel as you do, vulnerable and devalued, but I would be angry too for sure.
Have you a friend or relative who can be with you.
So sorry you are having to go through this, stay strong flowers

J52 Wed 05-May-21 19:09:22

Use the opportunity of his absence to get all your paperwork, financial evidence etc. in place and go and see a solicitor for advice. Put your blood family first.
As pp have said he’s acting like a creepy teenager and is controlling your life. Marriage may be important to you, but obviously not to him.

Buffybee Wed 05-May-21 19:13:05

He sounds absolutely despicable and a bit weird to be fair.
Online dating at 80?
While he’s still married and doesn’t even care that you know.
I would do as suggested, move back into the house, change the locks and see a solicitor pronto.
Take him to the cleaners....

BlueBelle Wed 05-May-21 19:22:23

You ve made a move out the house stay out and I agree with J52 get all the money, paperwork, passport and everything else you will need while he’s away and stay out If you want counselling get it for you ALONE to build your strength not couple counselling that’s no longer needed
No man would come between me and my grown children if he didn’t treat them with respect and care he d be away I d much prefer to be alone to being with a cheating, bumptious, nasty old man
Good luck don’t lose your strength to carry out what you know you need to do

midgey Wed 05-May-21 19:24:05

Nothing worse than a ‘dirty old man’, you are well rid. Enjoy getting back to your family! Hopefully covid might mean he’s not allowed to return....

Clio51 Wed 05-May-21 19:35:59

You’ve done the hard part moving out and into your own flat that must have taken a lot of strength to do.
You say you lonely on your own, but really your own your own when you live with him
because he’s always on the internet and not actually sharing a conversation or watching tv with you is he?
Do you drive? You could alway go and visit your children to break your time up
If you have a friend perhaps go there for a coffee & chat or ask her round to yours.

Why as he not as you to go to France with him? Different scenery, places to go etc and have a chat about things ?
Or has he go on his own to France previously?

Ask yourself why when you know he’s on dating sites, going off to France and not interest in conversation with you. He didn’t reassure you or comfort you when you saw what he was doing, that harsh and so selfish
Do you want to stay with him when you know this?
Your deserve better, he’s no respect for you(sorry, I know your upset already)

Get your half of things, house& apartment France, move into a retirement complex where if you want, when you want will have company there’s always something going on, meals, daytime activities, days out etc and also your family can come round

Your feel like you do because nobody likes to be made a fool off and your probably embarrassed of what he’s turned out like

welbeck Wed 05-May-21 19:43:23

go back into the house but don't change the locks, as that would be illegal, the marital home is a shared asset and you cannot evict him from it, he has a right to residency as much as you.
speak to your family, could you stay with them if necessary.
if you have joint accounts, i suggest you transfer half the money into a new account that is yours alone.
you will have great difficulty getting any money once he realises you want out.
don't waste the rest of your life.
don't look back. see a solicitor, make copies of all financial docs. good luck.

Startingover61 Thu 06-May-21 11:44:56

Some sound advice here. Having been in a similar position a few years ago to the one you describe, I can honestly say that four years into divorce I feel so much freer and happier. You deserve so much better. Leopards don’t change their spots in my experience. Get rid of this pathetic excuse for a man and live your life. I wish you all the best; let us know what you decide.

lemsip Thu 06-May-21 12:31:55

yes don't waste any more time with him. You certainly have all the material things as in homes etc but that is not everything. 11 years married isn't long. How long did you know him before I wonder.

manny Thu 06-May-21 13:25:58

We’ve not been married for 11 years - together for that length of time, but married for 7 years. I was aware he had failed marriages in the past, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. the houses and the affluent lifestyle weren’t what I wanted from him - closeness and support was what I was after. One of the most distressing aspects of all of this is that he appears to have no scruples about what he’s done and certainly there’s no empathy for me. I have lost my temper with him on numerous occasions - he says that’s the whole problem. He won’t accept any responsibility

Clio51 Thu 06-May-21 16:10:48

He’s got to the age of 80 being his he is
He is NOT going to change now, he’s done
What he wants, when he wants, how he wants,
Your flogging a dead horse, NO amount of
Therapy will change him.
Do you think the way he is, that counsellor saying to him
be kinder and care about your wife?
He’s going to get a blue light coming on in his head !

Why would you want to stay with him if
He’s looking for women on internet
Maybe meeting one in France
Doesn’t even hug and console you give you reassurance

What do your adult children say ? Have you confided in them about him?
Please don’t feel embarrassed, actually telling them may help you, I’m sure they’d be there for you

TrendyNannie6 Thu 06-May-21 16:14:51

Sadly manny your husband has no respect for you, he sounds horrendous , alienating your family, registered on dating sites, yuk! I don’t think I would be going to marriage counselling with him, planning to meet a woman in France! Good grief, I’d want to be as far away from him as possible, you say it’s not the first time this has happened, please for yous own sanity leave him! It won’t get any better, I’m glad you are renting a flat and you are away from him, I’d get legal advice! He’s not accepting any responsibility that doesn’t surprise me at all, he’s not bothered, please put yourself and your well-being first, x

silverlining48 Thu 06-May-21 16:20:21

Clio is right, he won’t change. Be brave Manny, you owe it to yourself.

Callistemon Thu 06-May-21 16:26:23

Marriage is very important to me, and I feel very lonely.

But you deserve better than this marriage. It's hard but you'd be better on your own than alone in a marriage like this.

You must find out how you stand financially and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man to whom you are married but surely don't love and who doesn't respect you.

Good luck.

trisher Thu 06-May-21 16:43:38

manny You obviously have feelings for this man and they are not just going to disappear, but you have to put those to one side and try your best to think first of you and what will be best for you. Some of the things we really like aren't good for us and that includes men. There's lots of good advice on here. Sort out your financial details, get to know everything, copy everything and see a good solicitor. That will sort out your relationship with him, but also do something for yourself. Contact those family members you don't see and invite them to visit if he's in France. Look for a hobby you once enjoyed or start something completely new you've always wanted to do. Pamper yourself. You will still someimes miss him and you may have a fight on your hands getting your rightful share of things, but you will wake up one morning and realise how much better your life is without him. Good luck.

manny Thu 06-May-21 17:06:27

Thanks. Quite clear what the opinion is here!

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 06-May-21 17:07:37

Bless you...sounds like you’ve done the hardest bit, in leaving. He’s absolutely not worth it. My friend’s dad did this, and as someone else said, when he was ill, he did expect her mum to help. She didn’t.

You sound like you have a lovely family. Get them to help and support if they can. They’ll probably be delighted to, as they will have seen how awful he is. Take legal advice, and move forwards.

All the best to you.

eazybee Thu 06-May-21 17:32:37

He is unkind, selfish and has alienated your family, and is unlikely to change.The point is, you are not getting closeness and support from him, nor or you likely to, so leave him or stay with him, you will be lonely. But on your own you can make a better life.
Hang on, is he able to fly to France at the moment?

Callistemon Thu 06-May-21 18:20:21

manny I know you have posted about the difficulties with your husband over several years and his attitude towards your family and have received sensible advice from Gransnetters.

What you have described over the years sounds like purgatory although the sins are not yours.
I hope that this time you can find the strength to build a life for yourself without him and with the support of your family.

nadateturbe Thu 06-May-21 18:29:35

I can only echo what others have said. Get legal advice now. You will be happier. Believe me.