Gift of Friendship

There’s one close friend I exchange birthday gifts with because it matters to her. The rest? Only for milestone birthdays. It doesn’t mean they are less close, my personal view is friendship isn’t measured by gifts but rather by the care we have for each other. Perhaps think about your relationship as a whole, if she is someone you value then why let this issue come between you, if you have drifted apart then it’s time for a re-evaluation. Relationships to change over time.

Just a card and a small bunch of seasonal flowers or a plant, for my friends. No big deal. Just say to your friend ‘ yes let’s just stop buying’ , as she obviously wants to.

Oldbutstilluseful

Your friend isn’t manipulating you, she just feels it’s time to stop a pointless exchange. My closest friend and I no longer give presents but we do have lunch somewhere different to mark the occasion and pay our own way. It’s what adults do.

That's right Oldbutstilluseful lunch is a nice idea too.

I think your making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Galaxy is spot on.

I do think I've been overthinking! Being stuck at home so much since C19 doesn't help.
Realise I've been seeing the presents as a confirmation of continuing friendship and I shouldn't need that, especially after 25 years!
I've spoken to friend today. All fine and going to meet for coffee soon so I will let her know I'm fine with no presents..... so long as we stay friends! ?
Thank you for your words of wisdom Gransnetters.

Friendship is way beyond giving gifts.
I am guessing that the problem is that she doesn't want to stop being your friend, but that maybe she is struggling financially so maybe not be able to afford to buy even a £20 gift ?
If it means so much for you to give her something - why not just say that a card will be ok ? You can always get a bunch of flowers from the supermarket whenever it is that you can meet up again.

After retiring, I asked the people who I had worked with and used to buy gifts for (birthdays and Christmas) and I wouldn't get to see regularly, if they were ok just sending cards, we all agreed and now send each other "nice" cards, which we enjoy buying and sending in the post.....we have been doing this for 10 years now.

I see two possiblilities here.

One, as you mentioned, that the friendship is more of an acquaintanceship and your "friend" is trying to increase the distance between you.

Two, which I personally think is more likely, she is hard up and really cannot afford to go on giving presents, but cannot make herself say right out that that is what is behind her tentative questioning whether you want to go on giving presents.

If you value the friendship, I would drop the presents myself.

I would be relieved if some of my friends hinted not to do gifts, I don’t think it impacts on a friendship at all. Meet up for a coffee/cake or a meal or trip out - that’s what I prefer from my husband/children too - think I’ve got everything I need! This has made me think of suggesting similar to friends but don’t want to cause the upset OP feels!

AiryFlyingFairy
I was your friend - I'm talking about friends I have known 40, 30 and 20 years. My rationale was that I had everything I needed so why should they go to the trouble. They all agreed and we are still all friends.

I think there's nothing nicer than receiving a card on the appropriate day. That in itself shows thought without the worry/ expense of going around looking for gifts----that nobody wants anyway. I wouldn't worry.

I don’t think I need gifts to be friends, I acquired a new friend two years ago and she gives me things that I don’t want or need and I stupidly make sure I give her something back. I’m now trapped! I was doing well until then. I note men I know would not join in in this behaviour!

that is not my idea of a friendship. but then I think there are different "levels?" of friendship

I would think that she wanted to stop the presents.. does the reason matter? but my friend, I would ask outright, but that`s just me.. and then, I don`t have that many friends,,, as I think , so many different levels of friends...

Don't many folk just grow into not giving gifts. Why don't you ask her what she feels? Perhaps a card would be enough for birthdays or a gift if a significant one. Surely your friendship shouldn't be based on birthday gifts.

Perhaps her finances are under strain but she is too embarassed to say?

Friendship real gift having travelled hugely lose touch modern Life is this

Whatever makes you think she want to end your friendship....she just doesn’t want to buy pointless gifts that you could happily buy for yourself! Continue with cards and with your friendship, but are the gifts really that important to you, especially as it’s never going to be a surprise if you just duplicate your favourite tipped every time? X

I find it really hard to know what to buy people. I actually get very anxious and worried about whether they will like it or not. I would feel such great relief if someone said that to me and I would still be friends.

It sounds to me as if you friend is having financial difficulties and is trying to save money without offending.

I've had to do exactly the same, but instead of asking, I have said 'just so you know, I have decided not to buy any more gifts for anyone other than close family'. It was taken very well, and so none of now have the problem of 'whatever can I buy'.

We stopped buying presents for adults years ago, when my MIL complained about something we’d given her!! She did us a favour really, because I could never really see the point. Half the time, we just knew they weren’t wanted, and the other time, we never knew what to get. To be clear...I don’t like receiving presents either.

I think your friend realises this is something she doesn’t want to do anymore, but is worried she’ll hurt your feelings. Just being great friends would always be good enough for me.

Friendship is more important than a gift surely. Be grownup about it.

Stop the presents, her heart is not in it. At a certain age it’s difficult buying present for even your own family, it’s not about the money, does she still want to meet up or treat you differently? Sometimes friendships just dwindle away, others stand the test of time, it has to be a two way thing.

You have my empathy AFF, it’s a rejection isn’t it, the older we get, for me the worse it gets? I have a very fractious relationship with my daughter, so my friends are a huge part of my support network. But when you detect something isn’t quite right, it’s hurtful and confusing ?

AiryFlyingFairy

I do think I've been overthinking! Being stuck at home so much since C19 doesn't help.
Realise I've been seeing the presents as a confirmation of continuing friendship and I shouldn't need that, especially after 25 years!
I've spoken to friend today. All fine and going to meet for coffee soon so I will let her know I'm fine with no presents..... so long as we stay friends! ?
Thank you for your words of wisdom Gransnetters.

Meeting for coffee and, hopefully, cake, sounds great and I am sure your friend will appreciate seeing you after all this time.. Personally I might still bother to give her a card but meeting up is the best present you can give!

I don't habitually buy gifts for friends. I'm close to a near neighbour and being handy at the sewing machine I tend to make her something for her birthday. We don't bother at Christmas though, just send extra special greeting cards. I also have a few friends who have all pulled together over the past year and we occasionally treat each other to flowers or a scented candle; nothing extravagant but just a token gift.
I give for the pleasure of giving and never expect anything in return.
Last year one friend had a beautiful bouquet delivered to me by a florist, I had supported her over a very difficult period but I don't seek reward, to know I've helped put people in a better place is enough for me. I did cry when I saw the bouquet though, it was beautiful.