future dil ashamed of her mum

Why do you keep mentioning it? You’ve been told the reason, so it’s time to back off.
You are the one making it a problem. For whatever reason they don’t want you to visit, they still come to you so just forget about it.

You have no right to go to their house or an expectation of being friends with her mother. As others have said, you can invite them all to yours, or meet in a pub for a meal or similar. We’ve meet the sil parents on a few family occasions over the years, but have never been invited to their house. They have been to ours once. We haven’t taken offence. Polite when we see them but don’t need them to be friends. We do exchange Xmas cards but I wouldn’t care if we didn’t. Don’t let it upset you - don’t upset your Dil by mentioning a visit again. One day they may invite you - when they’re ready? Or may not?

As long as you still see them, I can’t see a problem.

Even if you wouldn’t be the least bit judgemental of, or offended by, any rude or inappropriate behaviour by the mother with dementia, it’s entirely possible that DiL is protective of her mother and for her sake doesn’t want other people to see her like that.

I felt like this about my mother with dementia - formerly an intensely private person who’d have hated anyone but close family seeing what she’d become. So when other people wanted to visit, thinking it’d be ‘kind’ of them, I would say no thanks, she won’t remember you anyway and seeing strangers upsets her. Usually a big fat fib but I make no apologies for it.

Funtime I have gone through this thread with the help of my friend who gives me oodles of support. I have early Alzheimers so I can probably put a different perspective on this.

Visitors to the house, excess noise and disruption all have a negative effect on me 'putting me back' and contributing to confusional bouts. I suggest this is a possible reason?

Yours sons partner is also going through a bereavement process as she is losing her mum by degrees. I know. This dreadful disease slowly and surely strips away personality and abilities. When you still have a degree of insight like myself it is sometimes unbearable. Be kind and supportive rather than feeling miffed about invitations not being forthcoming.

Have a look at the Alzheimers website.

I think your son and his wife sound like a kind couple, looking after someone with dementia is very difficult (effected a close family member). I would lay off asking about visiting for the reasons outlined by Izabella and instead find ways to support them. Treats, pre cooked meals and tell them what a good job they are doing.

I have experience on family members with dementia and apart from inappropriate comments and lack of filter being a possible issue sometimes their hygiene could be a source of embarrassment. As long as you can see DS and DiL I would be happy with that .

Izabella what a kind & helpful post. I’m glad you have your friend supporting you.

janeainsworth

Izabella what a kind & helpful post. I’m glad you have your friend supporting you.

double ditto

My mother had dementia, and it’s incredibly difficult when others get involved with visiting etc.

DIL probably feels embarrassed, by her mother, as behaviours can be really hard to manage, and totally (socially) inappropriate..

My mother got verbally aggressive and very rude to everyone, and although everyone understood she couldn’t help it, the situation was mortifying at times!

Respect how DIL feels, don’t put your son in the middle, and invite them to yours.

Izabella what a kind and thoughtful post. Obviously those of us who are (mercifully) outside the issue don't always realise what it feels like when you are deeply enmeshed in it.

We sometimes think "oh, it's an illness, we understand", or "we won't feel awkward if someone can't remember x or y". But you have pointed out from the other side how difficult it is to be the person with the disease, and the effect a visit can have on you. Thank you.

I had a close relative with this many years ago and eventually I was asked not to visit as it was too upsetting. I suddenly understand this so much better now. It's not just that my relative thought I was my mother (which was fine for me) but that she was likely distressed afterwards. I just hadn't factored that in.

Sending you the very, very best wishes.


I hope funtime comes back and reads your post (and others).

A good post Izabella.
My mum died in the final stage of dementia. Prior to this she didn't like to have visitors. She would get anxious. She could be a bit blunt and hurtful at times and asking when they were going home.
My eldest brother is bed bound and has vascular dementia at the moment. He can at times be verbally aggressive. He shouts and f's and blinds even at his carers. We the family are used to it but if your son's fiancee is trying to cope with similar problems I can see why she would rather not have visitors in the house.
In my experience I wouldn't wish dementia on anyone.
It's very draining, emotionally, and physically on the carer, family and the person with this illness.
As time passes it will get worse.
Respect their decision and be happy to see your son and fiancee at yours.

Funtime, your son sounds well balanced and has replied to you so well! There is no reason for you to feel disheartened because you have not been invited to his place. He loves you which is obvious from the quiet and dignified response he gave you. I think his reason for not inviting you is adequate and you can now feel reassured.

My son’s partner’s mother had dementia. For years he kept saying we couldn’t meet her yet as it was difficult. Finally we met her at our granddaughter’s birthday. Yes, she was difficult and it must have been so hard for my son’s partner as she watched her mum ignoring her granddaughter, ranting a bit and telling the tallest stories. That was the first and last time we met her. She had been in assisted housing but had to be moved somewhere secure. She died when our granddaughter was three and I think those years were very hard on my son’s partner.

Funtime, is the problem that you haven’t visited the house, or that you want to see more of your son and his partner?

You’ve got me thinking now. When our son got married he and his new wife moved into our house and lived with us whilst they got jobs and saved for a place of their own. My daughter-in-law’s parents (close friends of ours) live literally around the corner, so it never occurred to any of us to invite them to the house; there was no need.

Blueberrypie has given some fantastic advice on here, listen to it x

Funtime , your son’s m.i.l. is in the early stages of dementia- how sad for her and them. It’s only going to get worse. They have enough on their plate without pressure from you. Just back off. You say your d.I.l. is ashamed of her mother’s dementia. Are you just jumping to conclusions? If she is, shame on her- that’s all I can say. …………

the DIL may be embarrassed, due to some people's reactions.
it is natural that she would want to avoid any difficult situations, also it may distress her mother to be presented with outsiders.
has OP come back, at all ?
i was a little surprised by her attitude, given that she knew dementia was in the picture, to speak of her feelings/wishes, and having waited too long.
as if it was some entertainment that she had been denied.
rather than a very sad family situation, esp for DIL.

Your interaction with your DiL should start by enquiring about her mother, in kind and caring way, let her understand that you realise that life must be difficult for her.

Dementia is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed off. We are all in danger of developing it. I suspect that your DiL's mother, might have early onset dementia, which might be what makes her embarrassed by her mothers illness.

If you can be kind compassionate and empathetic over this lady's illness, your son's partner, will, hopefully, learn to relax in your company, knowing that you really understand the problems of living with someone like her mother, and if you are unembarrassed and entirely accepting of her mother's illness, she will perhaps, gradually be happy for you to meet her and to have you in the house she and your son live in.

If you have no experience of dementia or have never met anyone with it, go to a site like the Alzheimers site www.alzheimers.org.uk/ also Age Concern and other reputable sites.

Just be kind, don’t embarrass your dil. You have no right to a visit. If they still like to see you, make them really welcome at your home, let her relax when she comes and gradually she might confide in you, if not I would just be really pleased they want to see me.

Surely it is a normal expectation when ones son or daughter moves in with their fiancé(e) to expect to be invited round?

So stop jumping on this poor lady, for half a sec, will you?

OP as a prospective MIL you need to take care. Your son has explained why they haven't invited you, so accept his excuse.

If you don't, you risk getting off on the wrong foot with your propective DIL and we all know how easíly mothers of sons can do that, whether they are being perfectly reasonable or not. You also risk offending your son who is quite naturally more concerned right now with his fiancée's feelings than with anyone else's.

I have a DIL myself and don't find her particularly easy to get on with, but my son loves her, so I have become adept at holding my tongue.

If your DIL mentions her mother's incipient dementia, you can ask if there is any way you can help, but don't bring the subject up yourself.

It's good that you've raised this issue with your son Funtime and I hope that knowing the reason for you not being invited has reassured you. It's all too easy to fear the worse and see this as being an issue your future d.i.l. has with you.

Now you know why, simply enjoy the time you do get to spend with them. I certainly wouldn't do a your son has suggested but would ask him to tell her that if there's anything you can do to help, she just needs to ask.

Funtime, expecting to be invited is rather like inviting yourself - or just turning up - not very good manners. I don't really see the problem, just be sure to invite them over to your place regularly.

In his final days, my father was inclined to suddenly discard his clothes - and walk around naked. I can't imagine having visitors!

Has it not occurred to you that perhaps it is the mother who does not want you in her house?
Let it go.

Isabella, what a lovely post.?