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future dil ashamed of her mum

(33 Posts)
Funtime Thu 27-May-21 15:48:18

My son moved in with his fiance & her mum last year and did a lot to the house as dil said she wanted it to be their house, not just hers. We haven't been there (they live a mile away) and whenever we mention it there is always some reason why not. We don't want to intrude but we are tired of being turned down. I spoke to my son today and said how we feel. He says its because she is ashamed of her mums start of dementia. He knows we wouldn't judge or interfere but he says I should speak to dil about how we feel. I don't think that's a good idea but I although don't want him to be in the middle, they should also know how we feel too. He says she isn't ready (after nearly a year!)Any suggestions?

Namsnanny Thu 27-May-21 15:52:08

Just have them around to yours.

Namsnanny Thu 27-May-21 15:55:05

But please take this advice and dont tell her how you feel!

She will have enough on her plate if her mum is suffering dementia.
Plus, you dont know what the future will bring, so you do you really want to get off on the wrong foot with her?

Katie59 Thu 27-May-21 15:55:57

Mother and daughter relationships are often fraught, don’t react to comments in any way, stay neutral, invite them to your place and go with the flow.

Peasblossom Thu 27-May-21 16:22:42

You say she should know how you feel. Can I ask, how do you feel? It seems to me that there might be a number of emotions involved in not being invited to their house depending on how you were expecting things to be, what you think should be happening.

Can you define how you feel for us?

BlueberryPie Thu 27-May-21 16:39:05

I think it's important to adjust your thinking to incorporate the fact that these two are now a separate entity. If you wouldn't behave a certain way with any other adult couple, tread lightly before behaving that way with them, whether together or separately.

I would not speak to future DIL about it but would always keep to direct lines of speaking to your blood relative about any issue you have. In my experience, it keeps mess smaller. And when I haven't done so, I've usually been sorry.

And remember that manners still apply, even with family, namely the one about not inviting yourself over to other people's homes. You say you've "repeatedly" tried to do so and that you are "getting tired of being turned down." I understand that you want to see where your son lives and that you mean well, but that doesn't make it your right. You say you "don't want to intrude," yet what else would you call repeatedly asking after you've been told "no?" Imagine how they feel to have to continually come up with excuses because you keep pushing?

Also, keep in mind that your future DIL's feelings about her mother's dementia are not about how you feel about it; they're about how she feels about it. So I don't think explaining to her that you really don't mind it is getting the point.

And, this latest reason could also be another excuse and not the real reason. Perhaps the real reason is more personal and they don't want to share that information with you right now- which is their right, even though of course you would prefer to be included.

For example, perhaps she/they are just overly stressed right now and feel they'd have to put in an exhausting amount of effort to make the house what they'd consider presentable to you. Or perhaps part of the MIL's dementia is such that she feels you are a threat. Or many other things. Their not wanting you to come over (while still coming to visit you at your home) can actually signify that the future DIL (and maybe your son too) cares very much about making a good impression on you. So let them. Attempting to get in there anyway even if it makes her (or them) feel exposed or whatever seems a bit tone deaf.

I'd be very careful not to get into a power struggle with future DIL but instead, accept that it's her/their right to set any limits she/they want in their lives and home. People who don't feel engaged in a power struggle tend to relax and let those walls down- when they feel ready and able to.

I think it will likely resolve itself in time and that the wise thing to do in the meantime is drop it completely. As in don't say one more word about it to either of them. Otherwise, you risk becoming associated in their minds, not as the great mom and MIL we all want to be, but as a Problem Person who needs to be Managed. I wouldn't like this boundary either but for a good relationship with them both, it is more important to show that you respect the boundaries they set and their right to not have to give explanations on demand, than it is to get to visit their home.

BlueberryPie Thu 27-May-21 16:49:27

Sorry, my post was so long anyway lol... but I wanted to add that if you can remember back that far (I certainly have a hard time doing so!) young new couples tend to be Very Serious about being considered Real Adults Who Can Run Their Own Lives so I think it's especially important to even go overboard in showing them that you get that and understand it. They'll probably calm down with all that in a few years.

Also, they are most likely up to their ears in e already when they a live with a mother who has dementia. Not your fault of course but yikes! So please also keep in mind that this isn't a scenario of them playing favorites among their mums.

BlueberryPie Thu 27-May-21 16:49:53

Most likely up to their ears in "mothers" already

March Thu 27-May-21 17:41:55

You can't change the way she feels and sounds like she has enough on her plate without adding to it.

Accept it and have then round yours.
I wouldn't push this.

cornishpatsy Thu 27-May-21 17:44:02

I do not understand why you feel the need to go to their house, I am assuming that you see them at yours so why do you want to see their house.

Bibbity Thu 27-May-21 18:45:02

She does not need to factor in your feelings with regards to her home.
She gets to be comfortable with no negotiation.

Why do you need to stay there?
Get and Air BnB and go out throughout the day. Have them stay with you?
Visit another place? Meet in the middle?

Lucca Thu 27-May-21 18:50:45

Bibbity

She does not need to factor in your feelings with regards to her home.
She gets to be comfortable with no negotiation.

Why do you need to stay there?
Get and Air BnB and go out throughout the day. Have them stay with you?
Visit another place? Meet in the middle?

An air B and B ? They live a mile away !!

Bibbity Thu 27-May-21 19:38:45

I completely missed that!
This now seems even more ridiculous.

BlueBelle Thu 27-May-21 19:39:55

I don't want him to be in the middle, they should also know how we feel to

Sorry to be a bit brutal but you are the one making your son piggy in the middle Why are you being so pushy at going round, perhaps her mum is acting differently and she doesn’t want to have to explain things to everyone, perhaps her mum can say things out of character, maybe she’s a bit incontinent, and your daughter in law is anxious about your judgement or maybe they haven’t done all the work they intended (or you think) and the house is a bit of a mess
What ever it is they re not comfortable to have you to the house and you need to respect that
Have them to yours or meet them in neutral territory and accept that for whatever reason they arent ready to share their home and her mum with you yet Don’t make a wall between you for a none existent problem

welbeck Thu 27-May-21 20:06:38

i don't understand why you are being so pushy about going to their house.
just drop it. you have to respect them if you are going to get on with them long term.
you talk as if they owe it to you to have you over.
i think you should apologise immediately to your son and never mention it again.
give them space and let them contact you.
they may not be able to meet at your house or outside at the moment as they can't leave MIL unattended.
don't put extra pressure on them. just be pleasant and not intrusive.

Hithere Thu 27-May-21 20:14:46

I think you are unreasonable on pushing this.

While you would like to see where your son lives, it is something you are interested in, but not in his end, for whatever reason.

As long as you have a good relationship with him, why push it and possibly create a rift?

TrendyNannie6 Thu 27-May-21 20:17:57

Goodness me, why are you pushing to go round anyway, the poor girl sounds as if she has quite a bit on her plate already, ( I looked after close family member with dementia) it’s very difficult!
You are tired of being turned down you say! I bet your DIL is tired of being asked, why should they know how you feel! Your son says she isn’t ready after a year! You seem so pushy to me, it’s not about you, give the girl some respect please

LovelyCuppa Thu 27-May-21 20:22:44

You say your son knows you wouldn't judge then put an exclamation mark on the end of "after a year". It suggests that you have judged that to be too long a time.

I think backing off the idea completely would be for the best for the moment.

CafeAuLait Thu 27-May-21 23:30:55

Maybe her Mum finds it hard to deal with visitors or becomes confused? If they are seeing you outside their home, it's not personal. This might be a decision made for DIL's mother as much as anything. Sometimes it's best to accept what we can't change and be glad for what we do have.

Chewbacca Thu 27-May-21 23:49:19

Bibbity

She does not need to factor in your feelings with regards to her home.
She gets to be comfortable with no negotiation.

Why do you need to stay there?
Get and Air BnB and go out throughout the day. Have them stay with you?
Visit another place? Meet in the middle?

Gone off on a tangent there haven't you Bibbity? Nowhere does Funtime say that she wants, needs or expects to stay at their house, in fact, if you read her OP, you can see that they're less than 1 mile away from them. Before leaping in with condemnatory instructions, it's a good idea to check what the actual facts are first.

welbeck Fri 28-May-21 00:14:22

Bibbity has already acknowledged that she misread the OP; in fact if you RTFT you would know that before jumping in with condemnatory comments.

Bibbity Fri 28-May-21 00:21:58

Practice what you preach Chewbacca.
The OP wants to enter someone’s home who isn’t comfortable with it for good reason.

The home owners comfort trumps the OPs wants.
The fact that it’s less then a mile away actually makes the whole thing even more of a non issue.

Hithere Fri 28-May-21 02:49:42

Another OP blaming the dil and ignoring the role the son is playing here.

Maybe this has nothing to do with dil's mother.
He doesnt want OP to visit his place of residence and no reason has to be given for that.

Lucca Fri 28-May-21 05:44:39

OP asks for any suggestions. Will she return and acknowledge these suggestions I wonder

honeyrose Fri 28-May-21 08:57:48

Funtime. I can appreciate how you feel, but if you don’t accept the fact that you’re not being invited round, it could become more and more of an issue for you. Perhaps your DIL is embarrassed about how her mum is behaving (her mum having the start of dementia). People with dementia can say and do rather inappropriate things. The young couple obviously have their reasons, so I would try to accept it, difficult as this may be for you. Things must be rather stressful for them at the moment - my mum had dementia and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If they only live a mile away, at least they can visit you easily. Eventually, you may get invited round - but do wait for them to ask you first.